dark, yet a light
dead, yet alive
scared, but secure
falling, yet rising
mistakenly honest
quiet demeanor,
loud thoughts
clear vision,
clouded past
looking but found
in love that lasts
perceived put together,
feeling rendered
joyful, yet sad
holding to what
once had
simple complexity
twenty year kid
plainly average,
but extraordinarily rare
staying, but going
repulsive, want to
be worth holding
secluded isolation,
yet forever embrace
carve myself
into your brain,
forgettable girl
world in her hands
she's got it all
wrong
included,
still excluded
closely far
helping the hurt
feeding the emptiness

loved, yet forgotten

seeking an answer
every notion falls short
nearing despair
she whispers her fear
err any rationalization
logical solution does not
exist here, upset
she carries her
sorrows nestled close

unswervingly unsure, but
naturally seeking praise
lost in fluctuating status
overt critic; herself
cutting the repulsive
knowing the faulty cure
each thought convinced,
deemed unworthy

poetically sad
open to love not
timid, she crawls out
every ray shines down
numb to passes
thriving, cage ajar
in total abandon
assuredly she flies
leaving him behind

manifestation, bruised heart
whirlwind youth, broken apart
lonely fight, feeling beat
quiet support, ED defeat
oh, take me back to the start
malnourished security, forget smart
hiding, lying; turned an art
freedom's sound, so sweet
manifestation, bruised heart
whirlwind youth, broken apart
lonely fight, feeling beat
empty soul matches her cart
dizzy barrage of number and chart
needing love, forced to eat
never feeling full, complete
look beside you, I won't dart
manifestation, bruised heart
whirlwind youth, broken apart
lonely fight, feeling beat
quiet support, ED defeat
oh, take me back to the start

nonsensical desire, confronted irrationality
unattainable aspiration, ugly ultimatum
status perceived, not of datum
distorted reality, blunt brutality

fear from retrospect, timid mentality
caring investors, issue relayed verbatim
nonsensical desire, confronted irrationality
unattainable aspiration, ugly ultimatum

lonely, no commonality
pensive, pounding cranium
demise of my own creation
fallen nature of mortality
nonsensical desire, confronted irrationality

a nobody, I want to be
unnoticed, hiding ghost
acknowledged, at most
back row degree

forgotten appointee
internally engrossed
a nobody, I want to be
unnoticed, hiding ghost

not even t. leigh
always guest, never host
hesitant, whispered boast
passed by, my plea
a nobody, I want to be

invisible, nobody, trouble cure
wear black, blend in, disguise
the light in me dies
trade-in, temptation lure

cautious, cuffs wrap secure
potential compromise
invisible, nobody, trouble cure
wear black, blend in, disguise

behind peers, I mature
lines noticed, you apprise
sleeves, leave you to surmise
pitifully unsure
invisible, nobody, trouble cure

downhill despair
of real concern
depression looms
help, save me soon
I know it's bad
lost ambition
to write, to breathe
synonymously
solitude strikes
words leave, as do you
goodbyes too soon
make me feel safe
hold me longer
I'm looking for
something,
someone,
anyone...


gone.

real intentions, sensitive beware
meaning in translation lost
pretty perfection cost
living my perception care
haunting habit, like a snare
impression purity, sure to exhaust
even ideal, lines will be crossed
observant to privy glare
but despite cutting tale
above all hearsay lies,
to society, still you avail
her pleasant guise
her incurable ail
many a mortal, you they prise

twiddle, nitpick, hyper aware
look around, distracting sound
simmer down, hair twirls around
finger fidget, anxious stomach

look around, distracting sound
concentration, familiar loss
finger fidget, anxious stomach
quick to pass on own comfort

concentration, familiar loss
staring, story supposition
quick to pass on own comfort
skip the line, go hungry

staring, story supposition
crowds, cliques, an anxious tick
skip the line, go hungry
unacceptable alibi

crowds, cliques, an anxious tick
butterfly squirms, I choke on it
unacceptable alibi
crazy claim, you're insane

butterfly squirms, I choke on it
hate, hate, hate; I choose to quit
crazy claim, you're insane
help me function normally

hate, hate, hate; I choose to quit
perseverance; out, not in
help me function normally
love me unconditionally

perseverance; out, not in
something's wrong, help me mom
love me unconditionally
twiddle, nitpick, hyper aware

voices blend, a buzzing murmur
steam swirls, mocha wafts
caffeinated atmosphere
java fog looms above

steam swirls, mocha wafts
music caresses lightly the ambience
caffeinated atmosphere
lively line of addicts

music caresses lightly the ambience
softly, I fall into clouded thought
lively line of addicts
contrast my peaceful bliss

softly, I fall into clouded thought
pen the pensive rumination
contrast my peaceful bliss
busy baristas hollering orders

pen the pensive rumination
inspiration in café population
busy baristas hollering orders
while I ponder life's purpose

inspiration in café population
doodle, draw, and dream
while I ponder life's purpose
I sigh, my mind screams

doodle, draw, and dream
let it out, let me be
I sigh, my mind screams
voices blend, a buzzing murmur

falling on the window pane
the sound of rain
questioning quelle of bane
a self-inflicted chain
mutilation deign
take away the pain
arm slain
blood stain
habit wane
I abstain
love attain
confidence campaign
looks of disdain
free from your reign
I'm not insane
treat me humane
pulsing vain
life mundane
help me obtain,
regain,
remain...

love.

artist Achilles
a walking contradiction
necessarily somber

exceptional work
none can compare; high a price
melancholy makes art best

sleepy-eyed, but wide awake
thoughts come, thoughts go
insufficient rejuvenate
drift and doze on sheets of gold

thoughts come, thoughts go
lucid dreams escape
drift and doze on sheets of gold
jot before it slips away

lucid dreams escape
glorious in-between
jot before it slips away
revelation unforeseen

glorious in-between
drowsy genius intellect
revelation unforeseen
grab it, quick to vanish

drowsy genius intellect
plainly superior prose
grab it, quick to vanish
internal accolade amass

plainly superior prose
find strength within
internal accolade amass
insight unprecedented

find strength within
the still of the day
insight unprecedented
sleepy-eyed, but wide awake

deficient of any real love
in image or from kiosk, lack thereof
paternal obscurity
search for quelle of security
cherished adoration from Above

fluctuation; climbing high, sinking low
natural rhythm, no need to fret
to and fro, ebb and flow

neglecting to rise, like unyeasted dough
soaring on contrails, altitude of a jet
fluctuation; climbing high, sinking low

deep affection, closer we grow
relationship roulette
to and fro, ebb and flow

distraught, distracted, distanced even though
overwhelming love, won't soon forget
fluctuation; climbing high, sinking low

unshakeable strength, despite a blow
hesitant paralytic, one sure regret
to and fro, ebb and flow

So, let His mercy flow
graciously affectionate, result: love, no threat
fluctuation; climbing high, sinking low
to and fro, ebb and flow

try not to eat
dextrose demise
aisle retreat
effects you despise
advertising lies
temporary fix
fraudulent "fun size"
ice cream licks
pixie sticks
pumpkin pie
try trail mix!
empty calorie
sweet in short
appetite distort

younger than me, but I'm jealous of you
oh, the headache that ensues
incessant "If you only knew..."
destined destiny, no more excuse
scared therefore silent; reality: nothing to lose
just as unsure, strangely comparable
futile alibi for intimidation's recuse
idle, unmoving; regret unbearable
thought alone, even more terrible
questions surround my small comfort zone
pray for relationship repairable
not broken, but opportunity blown
caustic, coping laughter, you see
I like you, and you like me.

filled with pleasant praises, add to the noise
outsiders merely hear a clanging gong
misguided stooge, highest priority poise
broken, segmented; melodious song
pitchy, discordant, strident, jumbled throng
cackle, not laughter; like nails on chalkboard
screeching halt, hacked lung, dissonant ding-****
novice strum, harsh ring, disagreeing chord
overpoweringly awful, not dexterously ignored
discrepant dichotomy, add worldly confusion
you learned disciples, jarringly shored
bash uncomfortable jangles, chime the delusion
like the bells in your tower, you inharmonious bunch
wanderers offput by your lazy, Sunday punch

planted in foundation firm, upright she grows
hardened by bullying winds, fragile she froze
spring sunlight begins to thaw her icy trunk
undreamt beauty within, temporary funk
nurtured and nursed back to life, the impact shows

meant for more than shadows, pretty she pose
structure, strength, and semblance; groundwater bestows
brilliant and confident contrasts wilted, shrunk
I, unraveling; opening; flourishing.

stretching toward light; jaws dropped, she fearless arose
petals so pretty, her true colors expose
stem entwined with stories; her purpose no bunk
floods, fingers, fierce feeling; she stood never sunk
wavering character, but bold hope she chose
I, unraveling; opening; flourishing.

secret isolation, best effort to hide
uncertain reply, when confronted I've lied
explanation escapes me, hard to defend
sincere self malice, to this vice I append
commonly pity, never love; lines eyed

misunderstood, breath of relief; brief reside
calming warmth runs down my arm, loony implied
appalling the stranger, understanding friend
Take with you the culprit, I offer to you

genuine compassion, all judgment aside
gentle and doting despite red tears I've cried
embarrassed Achilles wrist; don't condescend
perceived unshakeable, now I see an end
silent, spoken: vicarious Love; tears dried
Take with you the culprit, I offer to you

meaningful investment, definite impact
genuine compassion, to you I attract
unofficial adoption; like static, cling
nonverbal given, jubilant I now sing
protective walls liquidate, you're in; shell cracked

if anything at all, tender soul distract
short but ever so sweet, fill the gaps exact
gently you hold me; heal and bind broken wing
...if ever I've tasted of love's glor'ous life

trustworthy provider, fix all I've lacked
maybe walk down the aisle, heart intact
constant and watchful, giving hope for a ring
as I on an optimist pendulum swing
tangible, real, felt, believed. love not abstract
...if ever I've tasted of love's glor'ous life

desperate affection, abrasive arm
endless feeling of defeat, battle lost
malnourished sense of control, inflict harm

sweaters or wristlets, my heart starts to frost
scars you see and frown; evil, tempting vice
protect sure release, no matter the cost

unmanageable circumstance, I slice
wounded, but trying; please, tell me you're proud
losing familiar friends, the highest price

invisible, I cry out, feelings cloud
conflicted internally, loved despite
torn up wrist, warm embrace; wrap in a shroud

acceptably buried,
color: drab
effectively furrowed
gray.
heather, iron
jutting knife
lead, mousy
nearly opaque,
powder
'quisitively rugged
smoky
terribly unnoticed
verily withdrawn
xenon
yesterday's zeal

bitter yet sweet
tired not beat
light though dark
friendly shark
disguised deceit

tempting cheat
meet then fleet
flood and the ark
life, a daunting dichotomy of troubling truths

sugary treat
one-way complete
aftermath of spark
equivalent talk and hark
irrelevant elite
life, a daunting dichotomy of troubling truths

the road I walk,
I do not wish
to tread the rock
and rubble alone
companion, I pray
unhappily dependent

viewed resplendent
heard, small talk
subjected prey
boredom's side dish
lovely to have known
heart under lock

I ask, I knock
hope transcendent
drained of begging, weak groan
voice, dry chalk
squirm like a fish
counterpart delay

hold me as we sway,
embrace rewinds the clock
wooden panel, veil swish
secondly ascendant
refusal to balk
lifeline thrown

stoic face of stone
temperament at bay
creating small flock
promise, not a hock
slipping independent
dreams, strength squish

life in a whish
favor over crone
emotive attendant
vulnerable, I lay
life smock
eternal ****

firm the dock
lifetime pock
everlasting gray

quiet moment
still heart
dewy morning
lost art
expectant wait
learning patience
busy thoughts
His command
ponder beauty
grand plan
open doors
fostered strength
wings developed
total rock
testing times
open cage
invisible binds

fly, girl

fly.

understanding the move, loving you so
a calling, ready or not, there you go

phases of bitter and phases of sweet
primary reaction: ignore, there you go

tend the thought, no matter, hour approaches
wasted or treasured, the choice is yours, there you go

final moments so precious, holding dear
a culmination of the years, there you go

"I will follow", obedient response
misunderstood and despised, there you go

perspective reached, model life's hardest cry
to know and to love yet - go, there you go

pondered assurance of lasting friendship
with tears, she bids you goodbye, there you go

Happy yet sad, a conundrum of sorts
accept to love you from far, there you go

satisfied with devotion, love ceased not
displeased with the distance, but there you go

She can't wait to fly, to make you so proud
substitute dad, I love you, there you go

There you go.

crawling centipedes
spiders scurry silently
basement bug barrage

silverfish slithering so,
reverting fearfully back

awful arthropods
disgusting diplopoda
infamous insects

holes in the ground, walls and floor
inhumane habitation

pesky perspective
look at things my way, big sir
seek shadowed shelters

horrifying is my name
scaring people is my game

big shoes, enemy!
fear me? unreasonable
boneless body crushed

ironic scare, you not me
exoskeleton demise

now you see me, now you don't
until next time my good friend

swirling steam, meets the morning breeze
bubbling water encompasses the bag with ease
aroma of cinnamon fills me with savory grace
resting precious china on doily of lace
tepid tea, wintry soul appease

warm caress in a cup guarantees
moments of harmony battles bleak disease
warm trickle down, likening embrace
swirling steam, meets the morning breeze

dreaming of life overseas
imagine now, the possibilities
believing in an impactful trace
young and learning, necessary space
muddled thoughts over early tea
swirling steam, meets the morning breeze

Daddy's home: closed door, closed heart
leave no traces, no messes, be smart
atmosphere turned stiff, discontinued peace
learning is over, mistakes and laughter must cease
unacceptable failure, of knowledge impart

garage door sounds, to my refuge I dart
hiding and losing myself in my art
incomplete sentiment, paternal caprice
Daddy's home: closed door, closed heart

referring to the start
not always better apart
wrinkled fabric of our bond starts to crease
irreversibly rumpled, turning elsewhere for release
ugly routine, inherited in part
Daddy's home: closed door, closed heart

doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
anesthetic living, wasted capacity
unrealized with-it-ness, lies lure
doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
clouded by confusion, dreams obscure
brink of ideal, required audacity
doubt abounds, inwardly insecure
anesthetic living, wasted capacity

searching for satisfaction
try again, wrong
dead-end prescription
lost cause lover
dark world, a lasting hope
mutually exclusive

terrestrial is trivial, divine dominates

I strive to
live light,
roam the earth, delicate tread
unclenched fists
rid of superfluous
stranger here
no sense in
nesting in permanence

terrestrial is trivial, divine dominates

Out of place,
understanding
home is elsewhere
not  here, not here
found the answer
1:5, be the light

terrestrial is trivial, divine dominates

"As long as I'm living,
my baby you'll be."
Thick and thin
Tired, sick, hungry,
no matter what the circumstance
you're to remain

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

I'm the worst kind
I feel nothing but shame
I want to rip my arms
Fight for me to stay sane
I feel *****
let me clean
I feel useless
give me something to do

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

I've gotten myself stuck
wrapped in emotion
hands tied, I am grounded
long to flee
long to be free
final straw, ready to run

But you, even you, have given up on me, too.

Ordinarily able-bodied,
stop me in my tracks
I don't mind
a few days rest
weekend plans
you wreck

Detours don't phase me - obliterate stigma, my response

I'll walk or crawl or submit to the sidelines
I'll ride or sit or be a tour guide
Attendance, no question
my life's purpose
in one day gathered
I go, no hesitation
re-visioning the day
lesson learned, past mistake

Detours don't phase me - obliterate stigma, my response

different, I imagined the scene
life's greatest mystery:
reality versus dreamed
unseen struggle, just as real
ridding shame and damnation
love is the answer here

Detours don't phase me - obliterate stigma, my response

the puzzle of life, I remain perplexed
how people come and go
ebb and flow
what point is there in ever attaching
marrying, moving, distancing, dying
everyone leaves

You've played your part, how could I ask you to do anything more?

unable to view the mural of my life,
piece by piece, everything fits
I see portions, lacking summation
humbly, I admit humanity
accepting inability of omniscience,
appreciating lone piece independently
dear to my heart, supporting role
The Grammy is yours, I'd be nothing without you

You've played your part, how could I ask you to do anything more?

I'll see the end. Battle-worn but standing.
look down, see my calloused hands
I've worked to be here, and I've prevailed
Glance back, a myriad of encouragement
a touch from some, a word, a silent hug
handwritten love, novels of reassurance

You've played your part, how could I ask you to do anything more?

mimicking my tears, rain plummets to earth
driblets escaping, a plashet appears
caressing the window and kissing the street
elusively pleasant, ambiguously received
beads race down my windowpane
showers of comfort, salient skies of gray

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

perspective is important here
clouded minds find solace
whilst sunny cerebrums, unable to associate
ideas of positivity in days so gray
in one corner: better than resorting to a pill
the other: worse than spouse found unfaithful
opinions pitted, popular pins eccentric
one, two, three, four... will rain redeem their rapport?

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

rain, rain, go away
dark and dreary, "shame you!"
a lesson taught, not genetic
sheets of rain, stale excuse to stay
but I, but I - bid the day hello
when rolling clouds greet my morning breath

mere melody of drizzle or drops soothes my soul in ways you cannot

amateur meets expert
ignorance breeds dependence
swaying, your stable stance steadies me
falling down, falling for you
like blue and orange, you complement me
drowning in depths, azure eyes

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

miles don't mute the-get-to-know-you
scale the discrepancy, commonalities prevail
what I lack, you provide - ideal duo
I'm convinced, you complete me
provide my mind temporal vacation
reciprocated affection, mutual frustration
intimidating expanse kills strong pursuit
drawn to effeminate magic, sidestepping honesty

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

How long will you let your head win?
Give in, resist evident infatuation no longer
hourglass hope, dwindling inevitably
Am I lost in perception?
desperate for guidance and direction
let me in or let me go

Don't let distance dictate your decisions, darling.

constantly searching
introspective, self-aware
reality hits
looking inward, honesty
both a blessing and a curse

imminent distance looms
but naught to fear
though I shed an easy tear -
like flowers of April, love blooms
a growing gap, empty rooms
a lasting tie, I hold dear
love won't wane but wax by year
my guarded heart, he exhumes
enjoys me, accepts me, deciphers my art
wrapped in embrace, I'll forget never
healing, security, warmth - tranquil heart
inexplainable and sincere, leave it there -
a love that enjoys when together
and endures when apart

drenched in the stench of competition,
unattractive ultimate of winning
a loss equates to confidence thinning
stopping not, for sake of the mission
for someone of high cognition
victory consumes you, leaves you grinning
unnoticed until now, same from the beginning
determined to conquer this fission
strict, stoic, aggressive ****
maintain control, grip tighter the reigns
anything from professional to Yahtzee
uneven match, still your moral gains
stubborn, step into a familial kamikaze
severing connection, frees me from chains

Look what you've done!
double the serving size of torment
the battle has begun
hunger pangs won't relent
another helping: slashes of lament
I'd rather be empty
necessary rations, I resent
beneficial to you, poisonous to me
drifting through the days, rugged debris
I've become a lunchroom paralytic
ignore me, mediocre bourgeoisie
not a stomach, but a heart granitic
I ask for seconds - of love, not larder
For once, I feel full. Incomparable ardor.

you're supposed to nourish me
instead, I only despise
that head and gut disagree
sitting behind a plate of lies
she bows her head and cries
I envy you, enjoyer of food
from the ashes she will rise?
my perspective, chronically skewed
everyone, easy to delude
the beast inside growls for help
to change the way her grub is viewed
crimson slashes, a silent yelp
sustenance, quick to be sick
slip into the stall and snick, snick, snick...

You don't understand,
thirty-two minutes -
threw my head in a dizzy-
I ***** up all of the things.

Replaying my choices
what if, what if
I should have known better
nuisance of twenty

hinged on the detail
stomach in knots
a nervous wreck
forget-me-not

The ache is there
to **** and burn
After all,
it's what I deserve

So, forget me not
here I go
slow, slow
strawberry fields of old

lost cause.
too much to handle.
unworthy, gross.
psychotic.
scaring even me.
unclean.
falling short.
unaccepted.
lacking.
lots of thigh.
no guy, no guy.
*****.
deserving of this

abuse, abuse, abuse.

dear dumb deer,
gentle though I am
I wish the worst for you

When you jolted my car,
you set fire to a flame that
even Smokey can't contain

Like a stone cast in water,
your effects reverberated
loud through my house

your innocence
your ignorance
caused me many tears

cosmetic costs the least of my cares
You hit me way worse
echoes of him curse, curse, curse.

Type A, I'm your gal
competitive, time aware
ordered and organized
in these do I Excel

to everything, an explanation
I seek to discover
like in math,
there must be an answer

but this, I think is different
life, you're a mystery to me
no sense in finding sense
disappointment will commence

so confused do I remain,
weak, tired, broken down
"It's not that big of deal," I say
"My Savior wears the Victor's crown!"

simple tasks are hard to accomplish
when you hold a crippling lack of confidence
unless you're described as pompous,
there will be a question of your competence
I'm longing for a healthy balance
reveal the mean of humility and vanity
ridding dependence of a gallant
no answer in isolation from humanity
decisions made out of insecurity
often leads to regret
brinking abandon of reliant maturity
ideal me, only a silhouette
paralyzing doubt
let me out, let me out