I wonder if I know I can't change him
I repeat it to myself
"He cannot be changed.
This is who he is.
He will not change for me."

But I wonder if I really know

I find myself hoping
that my lips will open his eyes
and my body will free his spirt
and my words will change his mind

That is not love
I want to hold your mind in my heart
and love your actions as much as your words
and breathe in your spirit
without it burning my tar filled lungs

I'm not sure I know how to do that
yet

They say I'm crazy when I sleep with the window open
and it's 2 degrees outside
but I promise it's the only way I can breathe

And I think they laugh when I stop and take pictures of the leaves
as we walk by
because flowers get enough attention

but they don't know the wind flows through my veins
and I can hear the universe whisper my name
the only time that my inner hurricane subsides is when I'm quiet enough to listen

Sometimes I wonder what you think of me. Do you hate me? Do you call me names? Put me down? Laugh about me with your friends? Those thoughts hurt. I don't like to think those thoughts.

I often have to remind myself that it is none of my business what you think of me. It's simply not. Those are your thoughts and you have them for whatever reason and that is okay. We are both grieving and probably coping differently.

In a few months time I know I will just be a memory for you and you will just be a memory for me. I hope by then I still won't be just a bad after-taste.

I am going to survive this because one day I'm going to have a daughter. And she will be heart broken. And I will not be able to save her. But I will give her the tools she needs to save herself.

I am going to survive this because I have a mother. She has given me the strength and support I need to get through this.

I am going to survive this because my friends are trying their best to hold my hand and make the pain go away.

I am going to survive this because I have a bright, amazing future and I want to see it with clear, happy eyes.

I am going to survive this because there is no way I will let this destroy me. I will get stronger, better, wiser, kinder.

I am going to survive this.

I once wrote you a poem
and you said you cried
as your eyes scanned the lines
tears grazed your cheeks

I once sang you a song
and you looked at me
and smiled and asked how
I got to be so cute

I kissed your lips
for the first time
7 months ago
and you asked me for another

I held your hand
And grabbed your arm
Because the world was scary
And I wanted to face it with you

But you kissed my forehead

You stroked my hair

You held me as my body was racked by waves of sadness

... And you said you loved me

You said you still do

But now it's all gone
I'm not sure what to do

Call me pathetic as I cry on the bathroom floor clutching your t-shirt and screaming to God with piercing words
Please give me strength

Call me a mess because my hands are shaking as I write this and I'm not sure where it will end up

And say I am weak because I'm not sure how I am going to make it through tomorrow without you

But never say I am a coward. I set my beating flesh and blood heart in your hands fully understanding that this may happen.

I still have some blood in my veins and the stabbing pain in my heart will heal one day.

Do not tell me you love me
If you love me you would pay for dinner sometimes
If you love me you would kiss away the pain
If you love me you would appreciate what I do
If you love me you would not treat me like this
So do not tell me you love me. Words are not enough. Show me your love because I've heard it a thousand times and the wind still blows through the trees and the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west and I still feel like nothing to you.

I learned new languages
once I met you

Nothing in English
caught your essence

I tried French,
Spanish,
and Italian

Maybe the angels
who speak in tongues
could capture some-
of your beauty

But here on earth
there is no sound,
letter,
word,
or sentence
that could see your truth

Your eyes used to be so soft
so welcoming
innocent and pure

But now they are harder
different, angry
unsure

But darling when you cradle me
my head pressed to yours
the anger and fear
it's gone

I love the softness in your eyes
I love you

You got under my skin
You flow through my veins
I feel you in my finger tips
All through the thoughts in my brain

you're a good kisser
but you have a bad habit of lying to yourself

and you're the love of my life
but you can't ignore problems until they go away

you have a beautiful old soul
but I know it has been scratched, and hit, torn, and broken

and I know that when I show you this, you will deny it all.

But it's okay to want a good father
and it's okay that you want a better mother sometimes

and it's okay to admit that she hurt you

but I will not fix you.
I will not even try.
I will love you.
I love you.
I loved you for a long time.

I hate that I have nightmares about losing you. 

They’re too real and they’re too scary. 

I'd rather dream about demons

and the monster under the bed
rather than fears that lurk in the back of my head. 
So I’m sorry if I call you in the dead of night

I just need the reassuring sound of your voice
Tell me you love me and I think I’ll be alright

I didn’t fall in love

I am fall i n g in love

I cannot stop

I hope I never do

I never want to say
I fell in love
I want to keep falling
for you

I like it when you choke me 

I love when you pull my hair 

grab my wrists, pin me down

**** me, touch me there

Once my favorite teacher told me
"This is high school, you will go through boys like you go through tissue paper"
But my love, you are not tissue paper.

Your heart beats like no other
and the blood in your veins is red as roses
and your mind has thoughts as intricate and colorful as the galaxies

And most of all you make me feel loved and important.

No tissue paper could ever do that.

I hope you think in poems

Or your heart speaks in songs

And maybe you feel with colors and a paintbrush

You might dance your opinion across a stage

Or design your body with the past

And always capture a second of it with a click and flash

Darling, just feel the air you breathe and dare to be what others are not.

If nowhere was a place
I'd go there with you.

And if somewhere calls my name
I'll tie a string from my pinky
to your's.

And if I tug on it, it means
I love you.

And I crave you so bad
that I want you under my skin.

And your names looks quite nice
right above my heart.

And when the distance between us
is almost to much to bear;

Remember that you and I are never truly apart.

I went into the wild
to look for dirt
something to cover the scars
bruises
and cuts.
I was never looking for you
but on my search for worthless
abundant
dirt
I found a gem so pure
so clean
And I think there was something
awful special about you
because the scars
bruises
and cuts
that I once tried to cover
were now fading
and I don't know how a gem,
like you, did it
but I think you saved me

I said your name so many times that it started to taste funny

I stared into your eyes so long that they didn't look familiar anymore

I held your hand so much that your skin felt just too smooth

So I said "it's over" and the words felt right for once

The first time burned and my lungs filled with something different and my eyes watered as I let out an innocent cough

The second time was with you and my eyes watered less and I only felt a small pinch

The third time we were together again and you took pictures as I blew smoke rings and kissed your nose and I think you saw the Milky Way in my eyes

But anytime after that kind of melts and mingles in my mind because love and *** and cigarettes all seem to run together

I don’t think it takes much to fall in love

Sweet whispers of cute nothing’s

dance through your head

because some fool

spoke a new language to you

and every word 
was magic 

and with every word 
you fell

and your heart 
began to love his voice

And the simple smile

that shines in his eyes 

like the stars at night 

and only a few see it

because most are asleep 
when the stars are awake
 and soon the stars twinkle at you

and you fall

The way his hand 
made you feel  
like the dust
 dancing in the sunlight 

light as air
and 
full of simple beauty 

and with his touch
 you fell

And by now it’s too late

because you fell for his

voice

smile

eyes
 and touch

Love

but for you darling 
I hope it doesn’t happen often

because to have it once forever

is much better 
than millions of times 

if you fall too much

you’ll eventually break

For the month of may her heart was gray
 and she only ate three apples

In the mirror she watched herself and on her cheeks were tears

She enjoyed the sin of eating
 but felt the fat pile on her body

So for the month of June her heart was black 
and she ate a stick of celery

It didn’t last long because the toilet called her name 
so nothing was all she felt

and by July her heart couldn’t beat 
and was faded into dust

and she couldn’t feel anything anymore because all she was,
 was nothing

I thought my essence
might hang on your hoodie
that I wore to bed
every night

Or maybe our favorite
movies
restaurants
and songs
might sting your eyes
every once in a while

Or maybe a bird would sing
and for one second
your heart would skip a beat
because you thought it was me
singing you whatever tune
was on my mind
like I used to

But she came to you
like the rain
and washed me away
like chalk
on the driveway
after it poured

I sang your name last night
The wind hummed along
The steam from the shower
Filled the air
And fogged my mirror

And I sang your name last night
And the neighbors awoke
And they yelled to be quiet

But I sang your name last night
And maybe my voice cracked
And salty water
Climbed down my cheeks

I sang your name last night
Tonight I'll sing your name
Tomorrow I'll sing your name
And when the world stops turning
And the stars fall and the sun fades
I'll continue to sing your name

I remember your words
they wrapped around my wrists
thin red ribbons

I remember the bruises
they flowered over my skin
a morbid garden

I remember your lies
they kept my body shaking & crying
many restless nights

I remember your insults
fat, ugly, not good enough, stupid
& somehow my body shriveled

I remember it all
and nothing is infinite but I was dust
and to dust I returned

I was the moon
She grabbed my hand
and showed me my own world
there were stars and planets
and loads of fairy dust
She saved me
from the darkness
But she was the sun
every night she gives me life
and every day I hide for her
and her world was her own
and our two never touched


Because sometimes
your lovers only come to fix you
and then they must go