I wonder if I know I can't change him
I repeat it to myself
"He cannot be changed.
This is who he is.
He will not change for me."

But I wonder if I really know

I find myself hoping
that my lips will open his eyes
and my body will free his spirt
and my words will change his mind

That is not love
I want to hold your mind in my heart
and love your actions as much as your words
and breathe in your spirit
without it burning my tar filled lungs

I'm not sure I know how to do that
yet

They say I'm crazy when I sleep with the window open
and it's 2 degrees outside
but I promise it's the only way I can breathe

And I think they laugh when I stop and take pictures of the leaves
as we walk by
because flowers get enough attention

but they don't know the wind flows through my veins
and I can hear the universe whisper my name
the only time that my inner hurricane subsides is when I'm quiet enough to listen

Sometimes I wonder what you think of me. Do you hate me? Do you call me names? Put me down? Laugh about me with your friends? Those thoughts hurt. I don't like to think those thoughts.

I often have to remind myself that it is none of my business what you think of me. It's simply not. Those are your thoughts and you have them for whatever reason and that is okay. We are both grieving and probably coping differently.

In a few months time I know I will just be a memory for you and you will just be a memory for me. I hope by then I still won't be just a bad after-taste.

I am going to survive this because one day I'm going to have a daughter. And she will be heart broken. And I will not be able to save her. But I will give her the tools she needs to save herself.

I am going to survive this because I have a mother. She has given me the strength and support I need to get through this.

I am going to survive this because my friends are trying their best to hold my hand and make the pain go away.

I am going to survive this because I have a bright, amazing future and I want to see it with clear, happy eyes.

I am going to survive this because there is no way I will let this destroy me. I will get stronger, better, wiser, kinder.

I am going to survive this.

I once wrote you a poem
and you said you cried
as your eyes scanned the lines
tears grazed your cheeks

I once sang you a song
and you looked at me
and smiled and asked how
I got to be so cute

I kissed your lips
for the first time
7 months ago
and you asked me for another

I held your hand
And grabbed your arm
Because the world was scary
And I wanted to face it with you

But you kissed my forehead

You stroked my hair

You held me as my body was racked by waves of sadness

... And you said you loved me

You said you still do

But now it's all gone
I'm not sure what to do

Call me pathetic as I cry on the bathroom floor clutching your t-shirt and screaming to God with piercing words
Please give me strength

Call me a mess because my hands are shaking as I write this and I'm not sure where it will end up

And say I am weak because I'm not sure how I am going to make it through tomorrow without you

But never say I am a coward. I set my beating flesh and blood heart in your hands fully understanding that this may happen.

I still have some blood in my veins and the stabbing pain in my heart will heal one day.

Do not tell me you love me
If you love me you would pay for dinner sometimes
If you love me you would kiss away the pain
If you love me you would appreciate what I do
If you love me you would not treat me like this
So do not tell me you love me. Words are not enough. Show me your love because I've heard it a thousand times and the wind still blows through the trees and the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west and I still feel like nothing to you.