It swirls it twirls,
Everything blurred by that one baby girl.
Blue eyes glowing, her blond hair catching the wind.
I hold her hand, say her name,
Watch her grin her silly grin.
Her body sways while the music is playing,
While they play through the day while
Suns shining, the day is unwinding.
We’re in the car
And as we approach I hear
This gentle crying;
A part of me is dyeing.
It tears my heart to pieces.
I want to give her what she wishes.
She whispers, with teary blue eyes.
“I wish time would freeze so you would be mine.
Don’t go stayyyyy with me.
When you’re gone I miss you,
Don’t leave don’t say goodbye.”
Her little lip quivers,
I’m so sorry I have to go..
All I can do is lean down and kiss her,
She is my youngest little sister
And I already miss her,
Her screaming in the morning,
Stubborn demands, her tiny fingers
On her hot little hand
her blue eyes glowing,
Even her quivering chin.
The red truck pulls away,
She’s about to live her life
And I’m about to miss it.

When I think about you leaving,
I have to stop my breathing
From stealing me away into waves of havoc ,
Awesome in their size taking me down
Beating me with panic, honestly
The experience is to traumatic,
So I leave the thought lurking
In the background of my anxieties.
Whispering silent pleas to a god
I don’t believe in, or who does not believe in me.
Scraping a sense of purpose from my tired
And ragged bit of existence expressing
My resistance in hushed goodbye wishes.
Hugs and kisses misted in years of tears
Drifting down pink cheeks, where red lips perched
And brow  becomes furrowed ,
From the words I’ve borrowed,
And slipped from A mouth that’s
Clinched “ I miss you already, I’m about to slip.
I will never be ready. I’m going to be sick.”
I bite my tongue back and realize what I haven't said,
Just a broken track playing inside my head.
Nothing but a scared heart filled with dread.
And the guilt of all the things I’ve just said.

Its in the smell of you t shirt,
Its on my sheets,
It lingers on me.
Your memory.
Captivating, entrancing,
Thoughts of you dancing in space,
The rise of your cheeks,
When your smiling at me.
The set of your face.
The look in your eyes.
The set pace you take,
As you take stride
To walk away,
when I said goodbye.
And your arms moved from around my waist,
Memories, and the heavy weight,
Of missing you came
To take its place.

It’s in the smell of your t shirt,
It’s on my sheets,
It lingers on me.
Your memories.

You are the counterbalance to my mischievous soul.
Providing direction to a wounder-er unsure of where she'll go.

You have become countless breath taking destinations;
Appealing to my wanderlust
pulling from my weary soul
a trust

I would hesitate to think existed,
your presence and persistence
are exceptional,
my perceptions shifted.

Your grin is a force to be reckoned with.
I gave you my will and you bent it.
I gave you my good sense
and you spent it.

Admit it,
you admire my wit,
even when driven to wits end,
we co-exist in perfect contradiction
amending every bit I'm missing.

And when when I whispered we were meant to be,
I meant it.

If I am the mother to a million poems landing on def ears and
a single one grows slowly to learn your language than
I will surly transcend into a kind of euphoria
and swim in satisfaction.
If I am the mother to a thousand ideas
and none but one shall strike you
but it is so loud the ground you stand on trembles
Than I will cross the threshold of my potential
knowing I have finally listened long enough to say something undeniable.
If I whisper a hundred nothings onto notebook paper
and after a hundred years a single sentence means something substantial to a individual..
than I have done something innately  good
and larger than myself; a single mother to a million poems

we need to build better bridges,
the floods are coming soon,
and sometimes my heart feels empty echoing and doomed,
but lately iv been full with this ache and temptation
to whisper into your lovely ear my hopes for our creation.
listen
I am broken,
I have fallen over sentences I swear I have  misspoken
I am a poet tied to a vocabulary dying of deprivation
no i have lived that pain, this must be crucifixion,
my faith in everything was shaking
and now i'm sorting through this rubble thinking...
perhaps this will be my resurrection
this will be my reawakening.
there is a  need for me to see,
perhaps a need to remain humbled.
to relearn to juggle knives
just un-jumble.  
And grapple with my life so I can comprehend the meaning
Of just  breathing
and stop and see me,
For what I am for what I’m being,
For what I say for what you’re seeing and I’m  sorry
I’m cut, I’m broken , I’m bleeding, I’m lost misleading
I'm caught red handed freeing all the daemons
I’ve been meaning to deal with,

they spit and spin and grin at this brokenness
I wear
Like my own skin
Covered at the hopes of staying warm but only managing to create a line
Of what’s out there and what’s within,
To thin to keep things straight
I hate feeling this way,
But I love living these things,

And Your pain pains me and
I stay up late thinking you free me, you need me and
Maybe…
Just maybe, simply we are.
And that simplicity  has meaning
You are  all I could ever want or ask or need  to start believing.

I see that we are flying on struggling wings
In violent winds and your hand and my hand
Reach for similar things ..
And I love you I just wanted to say
When I’m broken I just want you to stay,
When I’m sinking…
I’m only thinking of pain
And when I’m with you
You’re the very first ray
Breaking horizon and giving life to new day,
You are second chances and hope,
You are ******* up and inconceivable pain
You are the ticket to knowing I’m alive every day.
Sometimes I cringe
Sometimes I’m wrapped in my own pain and I do things
Dressed as A devil in red,
From your heart Ill break open when the dark sets in,
From the lashes I've spoken with sharp words against soft skin
Quipped to quickly and singed in un-intention
filled with regret.

But we have this whole life to live and its time that we set
Ourselves against the lies we tell
about happiness and pain,
How closely there related and how everything’s the same.
I’m killing expectations leaving them to drown
In the waves of anxious teardrops you leave falling to the ground
So I can tell you from my knees
In hushed tones aimed to feel like desperate please
You  will  hurt  me,
And more than anything I apologize for what falling in love really means.
For the depths of the hurt that will come from these things.
And that you’re welcome for every night I’ll keep you warm,
For all the safety you will gain in the harbor of my arms,
I’m sorry for being overwhelming so much more than we can comprehend
And that more than absolutely everything I love that you’re my friend.
I know I **** the plan up.
I know we have both been lost
I’m sorry that truly loving always comes at such a cost.
But I know that we are worth it if I know nothing else.
You make me feel proud on the days I manage
To love you even more than I can even  love myself
Because you deserve to know those things
You deserve to know you count.
You deserve to know I’m sorry because I know I’ll let you down.
You ought to realize I've chosen you to be the one to  stay
So I can give you all  I’m worth
on the rays of brand new days
And that sometimes when I’m holding you
it makes me want to pray.

I am just a shadow.
The real me knows how to say the things that matter.
The real me knows how to smile,
How to free laughter,
After the tears I dry I fix broken hearts.
I’m smart and I knew you.

But I am just her shadow,
Because you look through me.
Tears In your eyes always undo me,
And I cant think of what to say,
nothing matters more than this…
Helplessness
Hopelessness.
My shadow passes through hallways and leaves a trail of tears.
At the end I’m alone forget our earlier years.


Your pain haunts me,
More than you will ever know.
It haunts me and its always there.
A shadow to a shadow.
I find I fall further,
From the truth,
From myself,
As I change.
And I lose you.
And I realize as I call your names
Again,
Again,
Again,
That I am the same.
That I have not lost your names.
You have let go of mine.
While i'm searching you hide.

I am myself, not a shadow.
I dry my own tears.
I know how to say the important things
You don’t want to hear.
I can say the truth,
And what’s right.
And I’m right here,
Calling names after shadows.
Calling,
Calling,
Calling,
Everything about you hunts me.
The real me.
And I know I’m right.
Because under the weight of the world im still standing.
Solid, whole, real.
And as your shadows pass through me,
It seems suddenly the realization hits me,
That in one way
A shadowed you and a shadowed me are the same,
In one way.
I’m still all alone in a hallway.

I think you said it my heart beats hard in my head the raw edges of the hole in my chest aches like fingers submerged in frozen wake. Single syllable that makes me weak in the knees . Single word that brings me to a harder place where my heart would bring me to the floor I would sob until I couldn't any more and I was lost in unrequited love locked in all my pain. My chest constricts head rolling over feelings mixed at the thought of feeling safe with my guard down with sharp syllable like that being thrown around. Did he just call me? No he didn't say..

See me? My little nose,
My brown hair,
See me there, my pale skin,
Like porcelain
Speckled with kisses from the sun,
See me there my gray blue eyes,
Shining like the summer sky.
See me there is that me,
That smiling face,
Existing twice in time and space,
is that me?
That face to used to be safe…
Is that me? Am I that face,
Repeated too often,
To clear to mistake
So you think that’s me?
My heart is breaking,                                  ~~~      ~~~          ­                                  
Behind my face....                                         (o)  |   (o)    Behind my face no one sees me.  
my voice is  S     A       I        G    .....               :   ^    .      Behind my face I cannot be me.                    
                        H     K      N                              :   =           From my face I pray you free me.

I was lurking in the darkness
Surround in my abandon
Picking at my scars
contemplating life’s abandonment's
perplexed in Gods damning
and my sharp surroundings closing my eyes against
My internal turmoil
set against the existing struggles
Trying to forget to breath,
Listening to the whispers you start to hear
When everybody leaves.
Crunching dried leaves under
My lost feet and pondering
How I became bare like
Fall’s trees and empty
Like the vast space below dimming stars
And wishing I could be brave again
And dare to dream
Or discover something new
Or belive in anything
Bigger than my own pain.
And then you stepped between greedy branches
Clinging to your shirt
Caressing that shoulder
I have been so known to weep against
You told me
You loved me and I've always known you know me best
There were warm embraces and
A place for weary soul to lean against
You said I had come far enough you’d carry me the rest
And that best friends ought walk together at least
And be in love together at best.

How do you spit acid and warp the way
Perception soaks up reality
And then stroll up like you have curls
And didn’t steal that poor kids candy?
Demanding I start handling
All the cracks in your porcelain heart?
Thinking you can catch me
And make me who I was before
You tore my wings off and broke
Every promise you ever made.
Think you could have made me stay
In the pouring rain, endure the dark.
But the things you said and the way you say
Makes people think differently, when
It just don’t quite line up.
It kills me , draws on my old pains
And feels strange to turn you down.
But I can’t stick around and listen to your *******.
It’s you….
Or me…
And I have friends who’ll miss me.
And you make me lose hope in humanity,
Oh yeah and grip on my sanity.
Find someone else to blink your
Big
Blue
Eyes at.

I was counting on you hellopoetry to engage my mind.

Call after me as I hurry down worn and withered road,
Cramming hands in pockets to hide them from biting cold,
Call after me as I’m walking quietly down the halls,
I've left my friends and family beyond abandoned walls,
Call after me my future friend walking from place to place,
I spend all day out and about with not a conversation face to face,
So call after me in the garden, in the school, my town, my life,
Call after me when my face is blank and it appears i'm rather shy,
Call to me from where the reverie lies deep within my mind,
And just wait and see I bet we’ll be great friends in given time.

Hope lies,
It flies to new places and dies.
Disguises the things you want
With dimpled cheeks eyes wide,
They cry, lids flutter sigh.
I see it there but it’s still not mine,
Just out of reach, just beyond my grip,
Fleeting from my fingertips.
Silent whispers fill the air,
Tell my failures I feel them there,
A sudden heartache,
Fear of doom,
Confessions given
To an empty room.

You are the color brown.
It’s silly but when you say
It’s cuz I’m brown huh,
I’m smiling for another reason.
You are open to the summer sky,
Free feeling like my favorite season.
The ground under stumbling feet.
Ready to catch me,
Your stable reserved soft so warm.
You are all around me,
Awe inspiring astounding.
Leave me calm and centered, and heart pounding.
You’re the heat, flickering in front of me.
Flames fluttering, spontaneous,
the smell of musk, earth and sweet smoke,
Swirling, and taking me in.
Words unafraid to be spoke
You spoke then,
Whispers of the truth,
You know I’m broken.
Coals warm and glowing.
It’s the words you give to me,
No it’s the subtle sway in your walk,
It’s the sincere sound of your voice,
That one look when you talk.
No none’s lost in gest ,
Its that feeling I have deep in my chest.
When I cry , and you don’t reach,
Because you love me.
It’s in the way you never called,
Hopped in the car to get me.
Let it be said I can’t know
What you feel, but I know,
That you love me, I can’t begin to know
What you gave in hopes
that right now I’d be happy.
If I could say one thing ,
And have you know that I mean it.
Whisper one truth in the hopes that you’d see it .
I never chose him because you weren’t worth it.
I would give you my heart,
But half has been engaged,
Now I’m lost in myself choked by the haze.
And I say it again,
My choice was made for me,
I cannot win;
I guess I’ll just say,
You’re just barely more
than my very good friend.

Will never be
For lack of trying
that I'm alone

I’m searching for my muchness,
As the mad hatter always said,
I’m looking for the lively part
Of me inside that’s dead.
Scrambling after my Integrity
That crashed against the floor
Wondering about cohesiveness
Between who I am and was before.
Bits and pieces scatter an awful kind of mess

Still that bottle of adhesive
nimble hands and held breaths
Still add up to time spent on things
You can’t fix.
They all call me their rock,
I think im more of a brick.
I say I’m a bad *****,
But they all call me a ****.
And when the ground slips and mask crumbles
When I lose my grip on my cover
And I sob like a kid, no one will love me
Like I always thought that they did.
So back to the puzzle
Hand me the crazy glue.
I need a few eons and patience
an I’ll be good as new.
Given for contingency
I’ll be as good as you.

that feeling, when your heads reeling
and you keep seeing, everything
that’s telling you to be something
other than yourself,
and you are so mad
that the **** clock still says
its to late
to be awake
thinking about EVERYTHING
But I do it anyway.

This ******* thing
Gripping, ripping tearing,
Worse screaming reeling abused and wailing,
This thing grasping at
My patience. I hate this.
Can’t take it,
I want to make it all fall away,
But I’m so afraid that when,
I escape from this blanket,
You have  carefully placed, tight
Against my angry face,
That you will be nowhere,
Gone like the sound of
The words you say but do not mean.
Fabric tightens.
Now I cannot scream.
Forgive me
For now I am gone.
Forgive me
For I cannot be what I was before.
Forgive me for my inconsistencies
I cannot be sure of anything
Anymore.
I am so angry.

Its forced, like a crow bars metal bite
Against the cold surface of my heart
Where the anxiety pries,
Hard against my insecurities,
All my bad dreams, and
Old deeds done and buried, regretted
And carried to their graves,
Never to be replicated,
Torn from there spot
At the bottom of my heart,
Blood spills, crimson dripping
Down the concaved prison.
And with all the feelings that have risen
For no good reason I feel ashamed.
When I was dyeing but survived,
I wish I had just closed my eyes
And drifted to whatever end
Suits me best and sooths anxieties
I hold in my chest.
To feel free for
Just a single day,
Be free of me and this
I confess is the brightest
Of all my pipe dreams.
Not scared with the panic of my anxieties,
always chasing me.

Its been awhile I think
Sense ink dried un-smeared across
My skin , a page, or anything
To think it leaves me dismayed and I’m ashamed
To ponder what I left caged
What I don’t say and I think
I’ve become the type to leave dark things
Behind heavy drapes in my mind
Nothing escapes this mask
The task is to see the shallow echo in my eyes
And that’s
Simply more than I have right to ask
So know
I’m sorry for my silence
But it’s building violence, escalating in my
Quivering soul and
Soon enough
I’ll explode.
And I know
you will help me glue
the splinters back together
you are a soft coo
Love of mine,
A foothold
You make me hopeful
After I unwind I think
I’ll fall into the sunshine
And try on a smile.

I wonder how you see me
Through your long lashed eyes,
Closed ones, open ones, dark ones,
Slanted ones I wonder how
You see me under your own light.
I probably look a little fragile
Like porcelain before the kiln,
Like maybe I have never known a thing about
Whatever it is you think living means,
I’ve watched glass brake,
Under the hand of my drunk father,
I hate Christmas, and not because
No God exist either,
I just hate being sad over earthly things,
Hell on earth.. Christmas same **** thing.
If money is power than I’ve never been anything.
I’ve been stolen.
You don’t even know what that means.
That’s ok because when it gets down to
It you don’t know much of anything.
Whatever you are viewing,
Unless you ask you have no idea how
I’m just too **** human.
You haven’t understood a single fiber of my being,
Optimism and naivety, seem to me to be,
To similar in making and
Each as tragic in there breaking,
Even if you looking and I’m speaking,
In bits and pieces
On a page like puzzle pieces,
There’s a lot I’ve left unsaid,
Everyone’s blind you’re
Never going to see me,
Unless you reach out to feel me.
Then you’ll know I’ve been burned
Have vitrified and
Don’t give a **** what you've seen with those pretty eyes.
I made me a perfect version of myself,
I’m someone’s favorite vase ,
And I look gorgeous on the shelf

I keep trying to wrap my head around
The aching in my chest
I keep second guessing all the people who loved me best
And perhaps why I’m crying and feel
My soul unwinding,
Is my hearts been trying to
Get the attention of the two girls who had me
In a dark world, regardless of what was happening
Now think me pathetic and time has shown
That I don’t really know
If I was out grown , or
If after pain I came to think space
Even in darkness a nice place,
Regardless I miss feeling like
I belong and I try long and hard
But there are few people
Fewer places to call home,
And in the distance in the dark
I just wish I had you in my arms.
In arms that have yet harm
My throbbing heart ripped out my chest,
And laid bare to rest on your strong fingertips,
A risk I cannot fathom in a time like this
But non the less it happened,
And you make me happy,
In ways I never thought I would again
I have the best lover my best friend.
And I cry when your leaving
But don’t fall into thinking your thieving
Away my happiness, your smile
Dear is why it exists.

I broke away, suddenly and on unsure wings
I stepped forward swiftly into darkness
Giving chase to brighter things
And even I can say that faith is a beautiful thing
Even if I don’t possess faith in the typical things.
Even if it is only a faith in the fragile space
That exist between our heartbeats
Where quiet locks are kept
And keys are exchanged ,
Where lovers each learn
To pronounce
another name.

I have been broken down by numbers
And the harsh realities time has uncovered
Things that remind you, That fragile things die
Like butterflies lose wings
to vindictive trees  
I have been stolen,
And I have been lost,
Bound in life’s ties,
I have failed under different eyes
But I’m divorcing self hate
For a real chance at our
first real date
And let me make this clear,
my love, my friend, my dear
it is faith in the parts of you I will never see
in the layers of love
transending your physical touch
that evades any tie to the end of my pen,
in the reverberating sound of your name in my brain
that I found this thing
that makes me brave
that keeps me sane
And it is in these things I found my faith
And it is faith that makes me believe in improbable things

I broke away, suddenly and on unsure wings
I stepped forward swiftly into darkness
Giving chase to brighter things
And even I can say that this faith is a beautiful thing
Even if It is not faith in the typical things.
Even if its faith in the fragile space
Between our pain
Where we share the stories of which we are made
Collaborative artists, stenciling words to fresh page ,
Where lovers each learn
To pronounce
another’s name.
I have faith that your eyes and
“I love you” both say the same thing.

Falling in love is easy
Apparently I am inherently designed
To fall with my head over my heels.
It has been said I fall
Gracefully

I fell in love with deep confessions
And soft whispered conversations
That painted the inside of my mind and
Interior of your truck
And filled our favorite parking spaces
beyond capacity

Then things got interesting
Because when
We explored each other
we did it  safely
Comparing every metaphorical scar
And the depths of our tenacity.
Exploring the carnage that existence in this world
inevitably leaves behind
We changed each other’s minds
We sought each other’s faces in the same urgency
We fled from our fears.
For years
You showed me it is possible to lend the ones you love a little space
While denying them distance.
You are a persistence I aspire to.

While you listened I found a lot of things
In those beautiful brown eyes.
Some things I can’t explain
Some designed
to change the way I conceive my name ,
Made in innocence and in complete sincerity
To make me find a bit of clarity
on what I’m worth
And what I deserve
I was falling
And you called with arms open
Speaking patience through your somber eyes
Suddenly soft spoken,
In all these years you refused to let circumstance
change what we had always been,
It was in the claim of best friend
And the way you never flinched
At my weakness never scoffed at my fears even when we both know
They were always so different from yours.  

It emerged slowly,
As I fit under your arm,
Under your palm when you wiped my tears
In quivering voices in urgent phone calls,
In the constant rebuilding
When I was lost you refused to lose me
Surly this should cost me something,
But it continued to cost me nothing,

You confessed I pay you in my smiles
You made me think I was beautiful
Because you complete me..
And I have never seen something
as astounding and breathtaking as your face
I could trace it all day
My handsome man
stay
My very best friend
You so often lend me your sanity
Even when your disappointed
Even when you are mad at me.
I promise I will always try with all I have to offer
To give you what you have given me.
Even when you falter
even when your whispering
"Tearani I've lost me."
just know your home
and I'll never leave you falling.

At some point I became a ghost
In my own house,
Just a shadow dancing past closed doors,
hurt feelings swelling under old scars,
like a bursting seem, holding back broken dreams.
Picking the wounds off and leaving
The skeletons in the closet
Where they belong.
I would love to feel, but it’s been too long.
Old friends fall in the backdrop silently
Somehow they have become the walls.
You’re the only one who not hiding
The only friend to reach out and feel me.
The only thing encouraging breathing,
I guess most people don’t speak to ghosts
I guess most people don't see me.

My day full of excitement, contentment,
I think it’s a blanket, warm and soft for me
To hide under and swim in, cloths my eyes
To breath and to forget how my head aches
And I feel faint of late, my day like the warm hands
Of the suns ray. And you are so far
I grin this year, you cannot take this.
I will not be thrown in the snow,
Or under your heavy tears, I will go
Where I go, and I know that this year
My day is my day finally I get to spend
My single day my way.

I wake head ache, highstrung,
Muscles week and pulse to strong.
I know soon my day will come.
My phone rings , it’s you ,
I hope that I’m wrong. And you tell me
To cancel my plans, you’re coming
On Friday, your sharing my day.
If we are both being honest you tear it away.
I have no choice, I have no voice.
So I will pretend to smile,
As you move the miles between us and
Take away my first, last, imaginary
Day that I saved in a heart shaped locket,
From the rain of all the disappointment
I feel because of you.
It’s my twin sisters happy birthday.
I have been invited.
And I have to smile and say
You’re so sweet,
And thank you.

Have you never been in love before?
I felt your breathing tremble, much like my own
You sway into a feeling you have never worn
And I wonder if you even know
What your falling under if
You know the reason you are warm
And cold
And vibrating
At a new frequency and why
After all this time you are seeing me
In all these colors you have never known
If you think I am showing you things
I have never shown
When really I’m the same I just
Lie differently in your new gaze
And I’m just a bit fuzzy in this new haze
And I wouldn't trade it
I just want to know if this is the first time you felt
The light on your skin and basked in the glow
If this is your first time in waters so warm.
I’m watching you stumble into grace
With the wide eyes of a small child
In a new space
And  it becomes clear as you draw near
That you have never loved before.

Hold myself together, to afraid to fall apart.
That sound that weeps upon me, the sound of a tearing heart.
I hold myself together , to afraid to see the sight.
I close my eyes and dream through another wary night.
My heart has been forgotten abandoned in the rain, the worse to come from one so young is the tears that fall like rain,
and worse than the empty sorrow is leaving her alone.
Although I know the pain, its worse to see her own.
I hold myself together so she wont fall apart,
I’ve seen the sight before ,like a poison in your heart.
I scream in pain , but all in vain it never goes away.
I wake up in the morning feeling the same way.
I search in desperation, I fight to find a light ,
but its hard to find a little dot in the grate abyss of night.
We wander down into the deep no sound is herd no thought to keep.
The feelings build upon the stage ,through my tears and heart they play.
I hold myself together to afraid of losing hope.
I hold myself together because now its all I know.
I hold myself together so I can trust myself.
I need to believe in someone even if theres no one else.
I hold myself together because she’s by my side,
If she wasn’t her with me I think there would never be a light, there would never be a hope of day , no thoughts of laughter none of play, no reason left to fight, I would Surely sink away into the endless abyss of night.

Hope is a big, intoxicatingly ordinary , dream on the      r            n.
                                                                ­                                       u

Hope is a hang noose, where I fall to my death,
Cold frosty fingers that clutch at my chest,
Hope is the blade deep in my back,
A wonderful feeling I’ll never get back.
The sharp tang of blood on the tip of my tongue.
Hard hurting feeling of a fast heart attack.
The destroyer and builder of things made to tall,
Hope is a building made ready to fall.
Hope is the sorrow I hold in my head,
Hope is that feeling they say keep unsaid.
Hope leads to thoughts like I wish I were dead.
Hope is made to create need for the healing,
Hope creates blindness in intelligent being.
Sometimes to hope means close your eyes and stop seeing.
Sometimes to hope means pretend that your being,
Sometimes hope is a wish, wish washy receding,
White water, ink written and bleeding,
Nothing can be as you see it, there when you need it.
felt as you feel it.
Hope is a hole in you saying I miss it.
An empty room, I want out,
A kiss on an angry mouth,
An angry child that pouts.
Hope is a dark hole in the darkness
to let yourself out.


[I am not suicidal this poem is a means of expression. I'm not planning on hurting myself]

I call you and you are upset.
You tell me how I make you feel,
Head reals and steals a beat from my chest.
Words mid flight killed by the silence
Of your end of the phone you,
Hung up.
I call again and try to explain and tell you
That we are both to blame
In this terrible mess,
Both to blame for our empty chests.
I just wa...
You hung up.
I dial hand shaking heart quaking,
Do not hang up again I am trying to
Say the things needed to be said.
And I remember how every effort scares you.
You say my words are not worth a thing
And then i realized
You are still...
Hung up.
silence
not
a
thing
has
changed
I  miss you.

I am smiling
Because I should feel like crying.
But I don’t.
I am smiling because in my head
I tell myself you’ll be there for me
But you won’t.
I am smiling
Because I’m tired of crying,
But I feel like dying and I needed
Someway to cope,
I am smiling

He says he says so many things, that ring and sing in my head,
She says things and she never regrets things, that means everything.
If I don’t like myself so much I just hush up and listen with a rush
And blood pushes old thoughts of friendships back to the surface,
To revisit I flourish, nourish my crushed ego back to health,
With myself image, the key to a happier self.
If I could capture how they see me and leave it live stream
While I’m dreaming I would feel worth it,
Broken, sarcastic, supportive, gorgeous and worth it.
My baggage looks like nothing to them compared to my
Kick *** advice and ability to stick around,
How funny I am when I play clown drying your tears,
And laughing at things that aren’t funny.
She thinks I’m the coolest sense sliced bread,
And he says I’m the only one he lets so far into his cryptic head.
And they all say I am the strongest girl they have ever met.

If I could have captured you
In that moment and made it stay
Make it the truth, make it the way
I felt you with .Then maybe,
I would get to sit across from you,
And trace your face with eager fingertips
And reside here in your presence and listen
To the somber hum of your voice
Slip off your lips,
And maybe I could say it all,
By leaning over
To take your kiss.
Perhaps it is as it should be.
And you were always meant to sway
All the way around me,
To silent to be satisfying.
Than I’m still glad that in some sick way,
When I close my eyes,
I feel you have found me.

Every argument is the end of the world.
It is without doubt the crumbling of everything
Wonderful in your current existence,
It just is, end of thought no sense in resistance.
My words are fire bringing you down down
To some personal hell, I’m astounded
That you have found this, so simply to be your
Honest truth, I have little patience, I hate this
And you become inpatient when I’m laughing
At the time you’ve wasted, and I don’t feel bad
For finally saying the things neither of us look forward to facing
But its better than letting all this stuff chase us,
But its not us is it, its only me how dare I
Slow down long enough to confront anything
Surly once again I have brought about the inevitable end,
And why would I go out of my way to ruin
Such a beautiful thing, I guess I’m just mean.
Isn’t that what you said?

I wonder how bright my tears shimmered
Refracting your flickering light,
I wonder what thoughts had filtered,
Through your changing mind that night.
Your smile builds me upright,
Until it quivers and I fall
To pieces under nightlights
Until morning sooths and calms.
But nothing feels quite as right
As crying in your arms,
While laughing at our fears
Pretending nothings wrong,
Pretending that you would stay forever,
Until the day you’ve gone.
Every night without your light
Just seems to dark and long.

In the dark, the cold air breaths,
And sends a shiver down my back,
In the dark my best friend leaves,
And I’m afraid she won’t come back,
In the dark my heart is marked,
And my sister turns away,
In the darkness I realize,
That I don’t want to stay.
In the darkness I found a light,
And you made my happiness clear,
Your whispered breath and broken smile,
Gently bring me here.
In the dark, your arms are open,
Your skin it cast off light.
Your voice so deep and sweet to me,
Says that I will be alright.

I used to find myself in the reflection of that water,
And cleans myself of troubled thoughts
At rivers bend , claim name as abandon daughter,
I whispered into every tear my shame and greatest fears,
That after all these years that I had made it clear
That no love was real, and that I should persevere.
To have my heart torn out, torn before me.
I soothed it’s hot wounds in the lapping wake
In the ripples that my teardrops make
Examined as the flesh grew mark,
Record each pain in pink puckered scar.
I used to find myself in the reflection of that water,
Strip bear my inhabitations lay bare to naked skin,
Laugh at indiscretion, death, and fear when I dove in.
Dove down into the waters where silence overtook,
To noise and sleepy slumber of the flowing living brook.
I used to concentrate on beauty and the confidence life took,
And drown my insecurities and grin at boys who looked.
I used to find myself in the reflection of that water,
In the moons bright light astride the bank
when summer nights grew hotter.
I used to let the water pull me to the center of myself,
Let it hold onto me when I was lost to everybody else,
I used to sing it lullaby’s , until I found myself,
Now I’m getting older, they say the waters gotten cold,
And I have gotten harder but that I have gotten bold,
And I know I’m apt at swimming but there are some
Bridges I have known, but sometimes I think of running water
Over my frayed and frazzled soul.
But a storm is coming closer with terror in its clouds,
Hiding in shrouds of chaos , with rain that’s falling down,
It’s tearing away the sandy banks and washed my water out.
It took away some part of me and held it tell it drown.
I wonder what I can see of myself in the wake of all this change,
Now all that’s left to do, is start wading through the pains.
And fallow thoughts that whisper “if I see myself the same”,
And I’ll remember I used to find myself
In the reflection of that water,
How much she cared for me
And how much I was taught there
And how everything has changed.
But I have left my mark there.

You are a drink of warm water come to fill
The void in my chest, ease its ache for
A desperately needed hour of rest,

His red hair and charmers smile
Set fire to the things I said about
Being so void I was numb,
Seems dumb now as heat
Rushes through my veins.

I think of him and his laughter
The next night and every after.
And how his broad chest and long arms
Protect me from all the pains
Of complete maturity.

He  hurries to encourage me
To dance in the rain, and play make believe,
Maybe that’s how he got me to see
I could be happy, I could live in rapture
Created by captured moments of his touch,
Collaged out of memories of us

Like running across campus
Bare foot and key in hand,
Single piece of hair like superman.
Your hand in mine despite
Angry words misplaced and
The feeling of your chest
Rising and falling beneath my cheek.

Your eyes mean everything.
A Band-Aid across my brokenness,
Long desperate kiss
To fill my chest with butterflies
And play and bliss, no one means as much as this.
You are a complete twist ending,
To the way my life was spinning
And half my reasons to still exists.

I wish it were simple enough that I could cry
And stamp my feet at it,
let my eyes catch fire and my chest implode
To the beating of my agry fist.
Make there way the easy way,
but
I no more know there is a way
then I know there is a purpose.
Everything is a half shadow dripping from the elusive
And enigmatic nature of the unknown.
And you can not scream or stomp
At the silent,
Or the invisible,
You cannot pound your fist over a shadow,
You can’t bellow at the top of your lungs
Over things that reside under your own skin
And wreak havoc between the walls of your own head.

   If you have accompanied loneliness
   A little longer than bliss
   i have to remember your feeling this
   hell, you can sit here with the rest
   of us to attest
   to the greatest wall of them all,
              for a generation raised on the temptations
              of instant gratification,  
              throwing fits over adds
              aired on there favorite stations,
              we were never prepared to deal with
              overwhelming  alienation.
                        ­        I want to scream over
                                oceans of silence
                                not cheap ways to appease
                                desires  born
                                out of isolation
                                look into the pain of your eyes
                                and screech my defiance.
                                find a real friend in alliance.
                                in all the fast race days,
                                welling in pressure and change
                                          were forgetting our ways to find
                                          a person and stay.
                                          every one cries, screams and pleads
                                          every ones dieting and fighting
                                          wanting the exact same things
                                          every ones to busy walking away
                                          too look at each other
And whisper
"I want you to stay"

Blue eyes and soft air bathed in the soft grasp of Sun rays, captured by the memory of yesterdays. You carry the word in your tiny palm. Your immense courage the substance sustaining my persistence. The irrevocable auroras centered around your little smile all of life glowing in your glancing eyes. You are moving even in your deepest slumber, just remember it's never over I am always falling more in love with you. When your older I hope you remember all the yesterdays and at your core my little darling that you are the summer.

It's night.
and nimbly
she - well not quite dances.
But entrances me.
My mind fumbles.
It's spinning.
There is
music there.
it emanates from her body in
Neon notes.
They free float.
It's a smoothe picture to swallow.
But they are stuck in my throat.
(like my wordless hope
that she'll lean in,
halt her dance,
just long enough to press her lips
to mine)
she resonates with every note and
she dances like the silkiest spoken
word.

Limbs
sway
she makes
day
break
Stealing the color
of neon skies
Fluid in her every stroke
the same electric blues,reflecting in her eyes,
Her gaze set fire to my haze,
Struck a chord inside my chest,
the note somehow complementing
the delicate sway of her hips.
her lips, where the tip of my tongue could only dare to caress

He picked at the edges
For days over days
Until he tore me open
And everything inside me spilled
Red in blind rage
Dripping with everything I never said.
Hid inside lines slipped under the tip
Of my fumbling pen.
Pooling in trembling fingertips
Misting eyes and dampening lips
That hadn't spoken in so long
They gushed
From the dam I broke
**** I’m broke
I’m broken, I've found my edge
Don’t you know loose ends
and nervous hands
Lead to unraveling?
You are maddening
Soak me up, or I will run down the pain
Continue traveling toward something real
Like a rain drop hurtling down toward earth
And I won’t hurt half as much as I do
When I’m near you.

Just so you know the world would go on if you left.
But it would never go on the same.
There would be an empty sorrow in air
whenever I heard your name.
I would fall so distantly from light.
The happy thoughts I had at night.
I would be left holding onto empty memories,
Where a smile and a friend that meant everything should be,
The way you always make me whole,
And listen to every word you’re told.
The way you care holds me together.
As far as a friend goes I couldn’t have found better.
Your little brother hops around tracing footsteps on the ground.
He will never find another, like the steps of his older brother.
Without you he would be lost, like me he needs your light to see.
I don’t think I could find the words to make you know
Exactly what you mean to me.
How can I tell you what you mean?
A caring word, the way you smile,
The way you make the days’ worth while.
But that’s just a little of myself you are the world to someone else.
I know you think it wouldn’t matter.
But no other thought could make me sadder.
Than a person like you lost to the world,
You wouldn’t make the world stop turning.
We both know that’s true.
But you would make a constant yearning,
A screaming gap, with someone as rational as you,
It’s strange for me to see.
How you don’t know that the world needs you like glue.
At least that’s true for me.
The world would just keep spinning
And I would come unwound,
You, my friend I promise the world needs you around.
It reminds me of my home sick days
In the car when we drove away,
You may feel so small to the world,
But to a few you’re what holds us here it’s true.
You’re the home I want to come home to.
To afraid to be taken away and too afraid to leave.
I will not leave so my only fear is you leaving me.
The world would not end, I just wouldn’t see.
I wouldn’t come home, and I wouldn’t be me.
And so much….
Would be lost to the world.