Tearani C

Tearani C Nov 2012

I used to find myself in the reflection of that water,
And cleans myself of troubled thoughts
At rivers bend , claim name as abandon daughter,
I whispered into every tear my shame and greatest fears,
That after all these years that I had made it clear
That no love was real, and that I should persevere.
To have my heart torn out, torn before me.
I soothed it’s hot wounds in the lapping wake
In the ripples that my teardrops make
Examined as the flesh grew mark,
Record each pain in pink puckered scar.
I used to find myself in the reflection of that water,
Strip bear my inhabitations lay bare to naked skin,
Laugh at indiscretion, death, and fear when I dove in.
Dove down into the waters where silence overtook,
To noise and sleepy slumber of the flowing living brook.
I used to concentrate on beauty and the confidence life took,
And drown my insecurities and grin at boys who looked.
I used to find myself in the reflection of that water,
In the moons bright light astride the bank
when summer nights grew hotter.
I used to let the water pull me to the center of myself,
Let it hold onto me when I was lost to everybody else,
I used to sing it lullaby’s , until I found myself,
Now I’m getting older, they say the waters gotten cold,
And I have gotten harder but that I have gotten bold,
And I know I’m apt at swimming but there are some
Bridges I have known, but sometimes I think of running water
Over my frayed and frazzled soul.
But a storm is coming closer with terror in its clouds,
Hiding in shrouds of chaos , with rain that’s falling down,
It’s tearing away the sandy banks and washed my water out.
It took away some part of me and held it tell it drown.
I wonder what I can see of myself in the wake of all this change,
Now all that’s left to do, is start wading through the pains.
And fallow thoughts that whisper “if I see myself the same”,
And I’ll remember I used to find myself
In the reflection of that water,
How much she cared for me
And how much I was taught there
And how everything has changed.
But I have left my mark there.

Tearani C Nov 2012

And i will miss you

It’s the way the sun bounces off the gravel and the smell of wet moss mixed
With the edge of old cigarettes and tree sap,
It’s the gap between memories and fuzzy impressions
Of past existences mixed with recaptured instances
And empirical proof that my childhood existed.
In the way light moves heaver through the air there
Until branches from the walnut lift and you can hear scrub jays,
And the echo of cans that rattled
In perfect belonging with the march of smacking sandal shoes
Chasing along black pavement toward dirt roads
And children’s kindred spirits running after water.
The heavy sent of fresh fallen rain on old pain and yellow
Paint and trumpet flowers that play silent music
To the ears of a young person discovering existence
Exploring persistence and resilience and
Coming forth out of darkened nights with the
Resurrected brilliance of the maimed sick and twisted
Soldiers of life from these former generations.
Never has a place existed as hell and heaven
Like this museum of familial dysfunction.
I stand here at junction between, panic struck sadness,
And the will for the gumption to say goodbye
To a past with dwindling survivors
And sour memories. Praying a thank you to dark space
For the fond thought of their wrinkled faces
And a grandeur lesson of all that I want not,
And for the first thing my life to stay in one place
For the duration of its chaos.
Sweet wicked, loving woman ,
The remnants of my childhood will die with you.
I assume I will hide my tears in your memory.
My past my memories myself, I hate the parts I love
And fear a kind of numbness at the loss of you
At the loss of this chunk of myself
And of all the things that will slip my grasp
When so much of my life is confined
To the constantly desecrating atmosphere of my mind.
And when I turn to find
The first cornerstone of my existence,
My support and experience I will
See only shadows and the pasts of real things,
And I will miss you.

Tearani C Oct 2012

That only you can give me

There’s nothing like feeling swimming sun on your skin,
Sweet strawberry taste, voice soft as the wind
In blue skies, tingling high feeling you give me each time
You sink the beach in your eyes into the ocean of mine.
The electrical storm you induce from your touch
When each nerve sends and receives just a little too much,
While you caress and trace so delicately across my face.
While your fingers graze, clasp and tease ..
Until I've forgotten to breath
A soft sigh escapes my lips, evidence of unconditional surrender
I want to sink against your lovely(naked) chest ,
I want to stay there for forever,
Still my favorite place of all of the rest.
My knees weak, eyes closed and pink cheeked.
There’s nothing like these feelings
The really spectacular ones,
That only you can give me.

Tearani C Sep 2012

Poetic word ***** in the pursuit of sweet slumber ..Zzzz

I write better as a broken vessel
Spilling over my own inadequacies tumbling through the what ifs
And how comes, getting lukewarm and numb
Over the disenchantments of life and slowly
Switching sides and catching rides
To where its dark and admitting in quietly ushered
Murmurs that it’s left its mark. Stronger than a water,
Hesitant to admit while I reminisce over brands
That’s burnt delicate lines in the skin on my hands,
Reminding me of my past while I build my future,
Grasping at shadows and stacking over the quivering edge
Of all the things I have left unsaid,piled high to seal tightly
With all the promises I kept, made columns out of those I loved
Then fell apart at there loss, when they left I wept, swept
Nice and clean by the words I said but didn't mean.
I live better tearing at the seems,
With screams gushing over while words bubble and steam.
I hoped a lot harder when I still believed in dreams and .
I hold up more rubble when I’m sensing something shifting
When I know I’m in trouble, and there’s no reason
To hold spasmodic thoughts hostage for a chance
At remaining on course, reasonable and on topic,
You can’t be expected to stop it if you don’t want it,
Plus I’m a better writer when the stakes are higher,
And my heart is racing keeping pace with the keys I press
Relieving stress in the small space between shift keys,
Nothing like poetic word ***** to put you at ease,
I just pray the release provides me the relief that I need
to close the windows to my soul and cling to some sleep.

Tearani C Sep 2012

If i loved me like they did<3

He says he says so many things, that ring and sing in my head,
She says things and she never regrets things, that means everything.
If I don’t like myself so much I just hush up and listen with a rush
And blood pushes old thoughts of friendships back to the surface,
To revisit I flourish, nourish my crushed ego back to health,
With myself image, the key to a happier self.
If I could capture how they see me and leave it live stream
While I’m dreaming I would feel worth it,
Broken, sarcastic, supportive, gorgeous and worth it.
My baggage looks like nothing to them compared to my
Kick *** advice and ability to stick around,
How funny I am when I play clown drying your tears,
And laughing at things that aren’t funny.
She thinks I’m the coolest sense sliced bread,
And he says I’m the only one he lets so far into his cryptic head.
And they all say I am the strongest girl they have ever met.

Tearani C Sep 2012

You know what kills me

Do you know what kills me more than all the others that walked away?
Your gentle sway and the way the light plays in your bright eyes,
The build of your shoulders and the sound of your sighs.
It puts me to sleep ends my misery ,the way your kissing me
Breaths life back into me, is creating a heaven out of my reality
And breaking my walls down to show me my opportunities.
It moves me closer to my light erupting into flame,
When I watch the way your tender lips -caress around my name.
The feelings I get when I’m so tightly pressed
Against  every sweet smelling inch of your broad lovely chest,
How it takes away breath at the beat of your heart
And  how every “ I love you” left its own mark,
From the first time you said it, when we met at the start.
Mingling nicely with your sunrays spraying sparks,
Your presence  in all when you’re standing so tall
Is so overwhelming, that look in your eyes,
Tells stories of desires and wanting that yearns
The distance between us screams while it burns
And when you walk away, you’ll **** me for sure.

Tearani C Sep 2012

on breaking walls and building bridges.

I promised for so long to be strong enough
to face the brake,
so i could take the pain and never think
i ****** up. and i was wrong,
so i would have the nerv to hold on.
Beacuse no matter how many people say
im crazy.
no matter how many walk away.
I can not think.
I can not belive.
I can not acept that everyone
feels so **** alone.
so you can lie and test my boundry
i'll give my heart to break.
you can take my aspirations
and sink them in the lake.
You can walk right in and i'll
pull every gaurd away,
lock them in a cell and throw the key
so there the'll stay.
And you can push on all my bottons
tell you think its good and safe,
and then i'll wipe away your past
scrub away the staines.
I'll clean out all the cobwebs
in the closet.
Hold your hand while you face
every dark place created out of
loss.
I'll help you take your bagage off
tell all the trash is tossed.
than i'll let you be and set you free
and light the bridge we’ve crossed.