Its something about who you are that draws me in I think.
You are my best friend, you stand on shifting sand
And even then I’ve never seen you to scared to swim.
I’m lost in this strange mix of brokenness and pure bliss,
Stuck in a twist in your open eyes and innocents.
You come alive over and over again and I hope
I can stay here in a place where I can see you,
Look into you and actually see you, its how I know
In the under tow I’m still real and have not drown,
I shudder to think when you’re not around.
But you… there’s something real about you
And I pray to a god who doesn’t exist every **** day
That for the rest of my life I can wake and think
I got to play some kind of role in making you smile
And keeping you safe, helping you grow
and getting to say,
I cant always keep you with me, but I can keep trying.
I can try to stop crying long enough be tough enough to wish you luck
Before you go your way, I hope you smile at least once
Every **** day, the big one that looks like the sun’s rays.
I wish I could just say you took my heart and ran away.
But really no one ever does especially not you.
Truth is you were the only one to ever make me brave enough
To look at all my broken dreams , reassemble bits and pieces
And tell me I was brave. You gave me sanity like air
In a void space, gave me your tears in a dry place,
You lent me your hand when I was bound
let me loose and help me search until I found
something to smile over. Your more than I could have ever known,
the only bandage to stick onto old wounds
and make me better. And I know better than to say goodbye
Or look you in the eyes when I'm about to cry
So see you later dear ,
Keep your heart whole and your head clear.

Will never be
For lack of trying
that I'm alone

I call you and you are upset.
You tell me how I make you feel,
Head reals and steals a beat from my chest.
Words mid flight killed by the silence
Of your end of the phone you,
Hung up.
I call again and try to explain and tell you
That we are both to blame
In this terrible mess,
Both to blame for our empty chests.
I just wa...
You hung up.
I dial hand shaking heart quaking,
Do not hang up again I am trying to
Say the things needed to be said.
And I remember how every effort scares you.
You say my words are not worth a thing
And then i realized
You are still...
Hung up.
silence
not
a
thing
has
changed
I  miss you.

You say that people are always pushed into what they are
by the people around.
Nothing moves you like the members of your town.
we lean to fit right. And if we can’t
We brake.
There are the high tracks,
and the low tracks that’s just how it is.
There’s no time you don’t know it.
its true among kids.
You know when you are different.
I remember it, but It doesn't quite fit.
I was to old for my age, to aware of my pain.
But I had friends who smiled when I said something funny,
Who wore all new cloths, had daddy  n’ mommy
I suppose they saw me see myself differently.
And they agreed that they were not so different from me.
I never split it down the middle only vertically.
It wasn’t the kids with or without the money
that meant a thing to me.
What would happen when you defined,
You by yourself, and not on so much by
Your family and wealth.
The ones that were like me saw that I had a chance,
That I was a person and  had choice were to stand,
I blossomed in a strange place between,
The kids without money and kids with new things,
And all throughout life I’ve had all kinds of friends.
There are high tracks and low tracks
And both of them bend.

I feel closer to whole an entire person when you are gone
And you have not called for so long
That your voice the way it is now seems to be fuzzy.
I don’t have to sit in the room with the way you stopped loving me.
I think my love and my hate co exist to create this place of empty distance.
Kind of like the look I see on your face when for a second you see a glimpse
Of a reality you do not want to see in me.
I can not live in the pain that she perpetually pushes
Me in so I chose to walk form her.
Gawk all you want hell turn your nose up
Like you know whats better whats right
I don’t know whats true for you
But my life has never been so black and white.
So perhaps you aren’t seeing enough or more probably
Your projecting your deep need for a perfect ending on me
And seeing as every one sees that she cannot and will not provide
That for anything living dead or in between
All hostile glances lead to me.
The one who was ****** over in the first place.
That makes sense because clearly I have so much control over what she thinks,
Or does or loves for that matter.
If I did don’t you think I would have made her love me again?
Its to gross a truth to swallow and even harder to spit.
I'm not saying whoa is me pity party just stop giving me ****.
No wonder I no longer miss you, seeing you
More often puts a knot in my stomach and bad taste in my mouth
Than those salty tears when empty stare and lies spill out,
floating around filling my ears.
This is the truth I swallow day after day and the very thing
That mother tries to sweep away. You make me
A little sick like kristianna just someone I’m nice to to keep the piece
And then I go home happy I can finely sit and breath,
Escape from the intangible stink of someone who lies to me and themselves
We are nothing but a scab you ripped off
For so long but has finnaly settled into this
Hard disgusting crater of a puckered scar
That I’m so thankful to have it seems perhaps in it’s own way divinely inspired.
Like the rough faces of the grand canyon or the
Raw nature of a sun flower,
the dual nature of the awe inspired
like a pretty new baby at a funereal .
I don’t see myself ever wanting a thing from you.
Not again not a hug a hello or a smile,
I am fine to always be away from you.
I feel closer to whole an entire person when you are gone
And you have not called for so long that your voice the way it is now seems to be fuzzy.
I don’t have to sit in the room with the way you stopped loving me
perhaps we should stop playing the game and just call it.
you win again a hundred to ten,
If you were bigger you’d a bought it but you stole it.
To much to risk a gamble but you rolled it.
Glad it played how you planned keep my heart
I don't need it you broke it.

The bravest thing
Is the way I look while i'm swallowing my pride, looking in your eyes while I try to listen to you like your not about to lie, because you have. But I have to to give you another chance, yes I am scared. I can't stay here but I can't bare the though of leaving without you there.

The bravest thing
Is telling you everything, even how i feel thinking you might leave me when i decide to say whats real at the price that it won't match with your ideal of "true love" you have high hung above my name. I can't change the way i think, ignore the way i feel i hope you stay.

The bravest thing
Is telling you what I see when you want to pretend that how you feel is all that's real, that everything's simple and can be ignored. But you are wrong and I tell you afraid you may forget the many ways I strive to say the simple things and that you are my favorite place.

The bravest thing
was when you looked at me and said I was worth everything every word every fight, worth every night you were up late irate with the way things play when we can't get a **** thing right to save our lives. When you told me again and again, most of all the way you tried.

Sometimes the day after the night I don't sleep.
With eyes wide, my heart beats, with angry lines
Across my face,
looking like my crinkled sheet.
I can't think about anything.
Can't think....
So I spread my heat on the lines
Of one crinkled sheet of notebook paper,
A page that looks, I think
A whole lot like me the day after the night I don't sleep.
So I can reflect on what it is that day I wan't to be.
I guess today I am a scribbled
Poem on notebook paper,
Most normal people
Might through away.