scared. alone. being thrown into an environment that you aren’t even the slightest bit familiar with is ******* scary. all you want is a bear hug from your best friend but she is dealing with her own personal pain. you’re totally alone. you’re panicking silently on the bathroom floor, crammed in a corner, pressing your head against your knees trying to stop shaking, digging your fingernails in the back of your neck trying to get your mind off the stress and anxiety. nothings working. those thoughts and words of rejection and judgement run rampid through your mind. “you’re a failure” “you can’t do this” “you’re wasting your time trying” ”you’ll never be good enough” “they’re only being nice because they have to”. you start to think they’re right. maybe you should just get use to the fact that you’re going to end up alone, abandoned. “you aren’t important, no one’s going to accept you. maybe that’s just what destiny has in store for you. might as well realize that.” i guess it’s just you and yourself again. it’s a familiar feeling to you so it only takes you two seconds to realize that you’re back to the drawing board.

there’s this girl. she has been hurt over and over by people she thought she could truly trust. she has no friends. she just lays in her bed and cries herself to sleep wondering why nobody likes her, why everybody leaves her. she put hours of effort trying to connect the dots as to why. “maybe i’m the problem, it’s my fault I'm alone.” to her it all makes since. she’s starting to accept the fact she will always be alone and have to get use to the emptiness feeling she always encounters. oh well, at least i’ll never be hurt again by someone i trusted.

just because someone is always smiling, laughing, and upbeat doesn’t mean that they always feel that way on the inside. behind those beautiful eyes and that blinding smile may lie a world of mental and emotional pain and suffering.

i’m not ready for this to happen.. i still need you. please don’t move on without me. what about everything we went through together? was i just a phase? please just tell me that everything is going to be alright between us. i’m begging you... you make me so happy and you’ve made my life so much better by just being in it.. you can’t leave me alone after everything you’ve helped me with. you haven’t responded yet..i can only hope you say we will meet up again soon and talk like we use to back in the day but something deep in my gut says that you’re moving on and you no longer have time for me to be in your life anymore. i don’t know what you are to me anymore: my best friend? my big sister? cause you know how much you mean to me and i’m scared to see that i don’t mean as much to you as i thought i did. i’m terrified. i didn’t see this conversation coming. you told me “i’m here for the long haul little baby shark” but it breaks my heart to say that something so pure isn’t going to be true anymore. you called me the name you came up for me and i don’t take the use of that name lightly. i can only hope that one day, you will come back. that you’ll miss me enough to want to go to lubbock or just hang out like we use to.. i’m not ready for this day to come. if i go back to bed, i don’t think i’m ready for the message i will wake up to.

on september 1, 2018, my best friend traded me for an abusive **** and harassed me every day until graduation. three years later, i found another best friend. she’s helped me through thick and thin. we told each other everything. then i find out, when she’s drunk days later, that she fooled around with someone for the first time. why didn’t she tell me? her excuse is that she forgot. she rarely forgets especially when it’s important. now he’s over and she’s ignoring me. is this the beginning of another end? i’m scared to find out.

i get that something went wrong last time. it was unintentional. i didn’t know my body would react like that. but i’m okay now, ever since then you’ve micromanaged me and refuse to let me do anything with or around y’all. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. and ever since, you’ve treated me like a baby as if i’ve never experienced anything before. i get it, you love and care for me but guess what? i’m my own person and i need to learn from my own mistakes. i can’t do that if you refuse to let me do anything while i watch y’all get drunk and have a fantastic time. when someone offers me a shot, you shoot them down and say “not for her. she’s not aloud to” as if i don’t have feelings. i’m just there on the sidelines waiting for that one opening but once i get it, you shut it down like a reflex. you can’t hold me down like this. it’s suffocating me. you think you’re helping but you’re not. and those “thank God i’m not the only one who doesn’t trust little t” comments are a straight up smack in the face. i ask why you don’t trust me and you say, “cause you’re the most...” and try to stop yourself from making an already hurtful mistake. you can’t trust me with drinking responsibly? or putting wood in the fire and adding fluid from a distance? nope. you think your cross faded self who can barely stand straight can do it but not my sober ***?? words can ******* hurt. why can’t anyone just get the hint and put themselves in my ******* shoes.

367 days later. i’m still dying inside because of you. you broke me and did everything you could to keep me that way. i would of died for you but you thought i deserved daily harassment and cyber bullying. what did i ever do to hurt you?! i still think about you and pray you’re doing well. i still remember how happy i was when i was with you. i still remember the first things we ever said to each other. i still remember all of our inside jokes. i thought we were inseparable. but apparently one day i just wasn’t good enough for you anymore. you traded me for a boy who you’ve only known for two months and walked past me acting like i never meant anything to you in the first place. i know you’re still around but when i look into you’re eyes now, my best friend is nowhere to be found. i will always have a piece of you in my heart. but now i’m probably dead to you. i miss my Salad and now she’s gone forever and will never come back. what did i ever do to deserve this?!