Ive 'nunquam magis sentiuntur solus* is Latin for
                                 I've never felt more alone.

I only learned Latin because
For some reason, I think that if I say things in the root of most languages,
I'll find most of the roots to these feelings.
But... Cogitationes strangulatus.
It's funny. Saying "thoughts stifle" in latin, merely sounds like cognitive strangles.
                                Not that it's any different, really.
It just sounds so much more like what I want it to be.
The English language has a hard time
Catching the depth of things
without sounding like it's trying too hard.
I want to be able to say something once, just once,
and be done with it.
To stop ruminating on you and find peace knowing that when I say
Reliquum aliud nihil est dicere
I don't just mean "there's nothing left to say."
I mean that *I've said everything I needed to say.

Turn your dapple gray diffuse light daydream
Towards the flashlight painted cloudscape I have made for you
And before the drafted owl coos I have collected in bottles and hung from this tree
For you
I have walked through fine winged butterflies and soft twilit moss
Over sun scorched sand and in the relief of white noise water
Which
Like the circle of your arms
Tucks my dark away in the bottom of some drawer
That we may find and laugh over through our old eyes wrinkled with years of delight
Our home is walking through a stream
Steps slowed in the thickness of water

and sometimes i need to tell myself
to stop being so literal

if i can learn
to write words,
like Picasso
created art

beautiful and abstract

then they will become mine
and theirs

a story
deciphered in a million different ways

it was the kind of heat
that slicks your skin
and dampens your clothing,
matting it to your body

but i kept on walking

each step was another day closer

15
14
13
12

the edge was getting closer

11
10

unbearably hot
but somehow comforting,
like a blanket
it engulfed me
and it started to feel okay
to be exposed

9
8
7

i could hear the waves
getting louder
as they crashed onto the rocks
spewing foam up the sides of the cliff

6
5
4

the baby carriage was getting harder to push,
as i had loaded it with more
at each step

3
2

my mothers tears,
some naivety,
thoughts of looking back,
fear,
anxiety,
questions

1

things that i didn't need anymore
swelled in the buggy
and the day was here
to let them go

the drop was steep
and unrelenting

0

with a swift push,
i covered my eyes
and listened to it fall
as i rose
into the sky
higher
and higher
and higher

goodbye
to everything holding me back
my destination,
new and uncharted,
was all that was on my mind

and as i looked out
over the Pacific Ocean
the fear of saying goodbye
became nothing
but a shipwreck in my past,
a reminder that
it is so much easier to say hello
and welcome each new experience
with reckless abandon

For a moment I was Cruella DeVille.
****
         Sultry
                    Sophisticated.
This time is wasn't your scent that lingered
In my hair,
                  on my clothes,
                                          on my breath.
I left it there.
I want you to notice,
                                   to comment,
                                                        ­ to realize
that you have no power over me.
Not now.
You can, but you won't.
Not now.
Perhaps later when your bitterness doesn't envelop me,
Like now.
At least this cigar isn't bitter.
In fact, it's sweet.

Stuck between the Nile and acceptance
is the tree that grows in Brooklyn
caged like a lion clinging to the memory
of clean water and light
still a lone, a loner of the moon
once requested the thought
is this living just dying?

I have seen her playing
With light, edging her hair,
In crescents so fair.

I have watched her fingers
Twirl and twine, beaming gold,
Threshing precious hold.

I have witnessed the taming
Of the sun's rays, captured,
Spinning in rapture.

And I feel for the pale moon
Who offers his frail, vestige light,
While she sleeps at night.

Somewhere over your rainbows,
lies still
my beating heart,
which you've thrown away.

Somewhere under your shadows,
is a shard
of my life,
still trying to piece with yours.

Somewhere in your mind,
I'm there
wondering if you'd ever,
say yes.

Somewhere in this empty house,
I lay still
waiting for your voice,
to break our silence.