Music thumps
bass booming through your feet
into your heart
and out to your fingers
that grip your flimsy red cup
filled to the brim with froth
like the room
filled with people
and lots of air
that's filled with sweat and voices
that smell like the alcohol
that no longer sits in the bottles and cans
you see covering every surface
you walk from group to group
taking and adding to each conversation
that passes through your clouding mind
that is still watching
that girl flip her hair
as she talks to the boy
that has his hand
on the *** of another girl
who's laughing with the people
she would never talk to
if she wasn't holding
that cup
that matches yours
and his
and hers
and theirs
that slosh over a little when they
dance all close and grimy
because our culture promotes
flippancy
which feels a lot like
fun
and you're not quite sure
how you've noticed that
everyone is leveled
because they're so
high on life and love
and drinks and drugs
and it doesn't quite make sense
but you come to the conclusion
in your mildly impaired state
that all that stuff in movies
isn't all that fake
No, it's just High School

Kids on bikes and big sandy beaches
are no longer her own scraped knees
and a blank canvas to play on.

Boxes of bandaids and just a little more water
do not fix the faults of skin and sandcastles.

She has scars, an ocean within her
and a desire for deserts
that drives her to travel
til she finds what she has been born with.

And I know the things you've done
and the look of too much ***** in your eyes
or maybe it was tequila, beer, or ***
but whatever the poison, I know the price;
that some girl, you'd call her cute
you did, twice
will be the answer to your emptiness
and she knows these things as you move closer
and laugh and smile, maybe touch her arm, her back
but she's had a few
and misses him, she can't keep track
so you keep talking
and she's stopped walking
because she knows your company, however fake
is much better company
than her endless heartbreak.

I just know

I know you hear the echo of my emptiness
when we sit in silence.
I know you see the vacancy
when our eyes are shut.
And I know you think you made It
when you tiptoe
around my fragility.
But it is not your fault
like you always assume.
And you are not responsible
for fixing or filling.
Because you are infinitely more
than my heart will ever be able to hold.
And I'm so, so sorry
but I don't know why
it isn't enough.

It'll be okay
And if it's not
It'll still be okay
Because my tears
Were meant to be shed
And my anger was meant to be bled
All over this life that we hadn't planned
But the fear will dry
Like the tears I cry
And eventually I'll understand
That nothing is ever supposed to be planned;
That adventure is exciting
And the unknown is awfully inviting
And everything that hurt
Will heal
But not without a scar;
So thank God for those stars
Because they know
That it'll be okay,
Even if it isn't.

I must confirm my existence
I grasp and hug and pinch and feel
Anything I can get my hands on
Just to prove it's real

Everything is vibrant with
Breath
In and out
Right and left
The colours expand
Contract
Disappear
Come back

It's all too surreal
Must be my imagination
A little of this and that
A total compilation
Of everything
That was and is
All that's bad
And all my bliss

Life's too short
To not just be
There's so much to do
And so much to see
And everything
Is so **** right
I'm terrified
That at the end of the night

*I'll wake up

My coffee always gets cold
before I can finish it,
my heart stutters
when I forget to breathe,
too busy watching the world go by
wondering where I fit into it,
my coffee always gets cold
before I can finish it,
and the day is over
before I can open my eyes,
and life goes on without me
while I sit,

with cold coffee.

April showers are said to bring May flowers
and if this holds truth
my cheeks will be blushing with roses
freckled in daises and tracked with tulips
in thirty days time
Sorry trips behind my teeth
pushing at their backs
like my tongue
Raw with loose explanation
sore from swallowing sour words
my insides ache from lack of understanding

If it's the thought that counts
Then how can actions speak louder than words?

And what are you saying by leaving?

You walked out that door
But I'm really not sure
Why you didn't close it

Is that because,
I think it was,
You don't actually mean it?

Are you asking me to follow?
Or to stand up, swallow
my pride and shut the ******* door?

Do three hundred and sixty five days have to pass
Before I can start anew?
Things are changing
And my time is waning
No longer can I wait
To erase mistakes and wipe out hate
That has marred my inner self
So help me to grab right now
And hold it as my own
I've seen my ways
In older days
And am horrified at best
So as a favor
Be my savior?
It'd be best if you said yes
All I ask is this
Be my New Years kiss
In June

my knees and ******* protrude
from the still water
like mountains in countries I've never seen
I have always hated
since the time I surpassed the length of the tub
that I could not stretch out
my body looks alien
I don't recognize
the bends and angles
I'm disconnected from my finger tips
as they make ripples
break the surface tension that
holds my brain
holds my soul
the blue ribbon holding me in this porcelain box
I am washed with all my thoughts
my plans I have not made
and when I stand
dripping and cold
I am *****

and as I towel myself
I drain and redraw the tub

again
and again

until I am clean.

Sometimes I wish
that holding hands was enough
for both of us;
I wish I didn't need more talking
and rarely
I wish you didn't want more "walking";
I like walking
I just wish that we talked more

Sometimes I wish
you hadn't made
all those friends;
I liked when I was your world,
actually, I was so much your world
that I didn't like it;
funny

Sometimes I wish
that it didn't seem like
you need my friend to come too,
because I guess me being part of 'us' isn't enough
sorry
Maybe if you weren't always with him
we wouldn't need another girl for "balance"
He doesn't want to third wheel?
Neither do I

Sometimes I wish
that I was stronger;
So that silly things
like my wishes
didn't make me feel this way

..But only sometimes...

I have never been good at hiding my anything
under more than a thin layer of trying
to hold back the parts of me not everyone should see
I am not afraid of who I am or how I feel and I don't think they should be either
but I'm sorry if my sandpaper tongue and teary eyes are too much
I'm sorry for the mistakes I have made and the ones I will surely make
because I'm not very good at knowing everything or censoring my sensitivity
I'd like to think that I was good to him and I'll be good to this one too
I'd like to think I didn't make a mess I couldn't clean up because I'm a little bit OCD
And I don't like admitting that I'm afraid if things out of my control
I don't believe in perfection but I like the bright days and I don't want to be the kind of person
that breaks hearts and makes happiness hard
because I like whole, happy hearts
and I still love him
in the hardest way
the way that makes me want his life to not be a part of mine
because I would just like
some peace of mind

As if the Sun could not warm me
with it's endlessly finite rays
you reach out and wrap me
in balmy, blissful days

And for the first time
my everything is enough
and it's okay that I'm not and never will be
that kind of tough

But, again with the fear
of abruptly finding the end
and discovering the journey
was all just pretend

The million little things
that you so effortlessly do
are barely enough
to let myself love you

But that's not your fault
and nor should it be;
when it comes to laying blame
it all falls on me

So please excuse me
while I fight with myself
and know that I'm finally dusting things
on that old neglected shelf

Just know
That I believe in peace
even if it's in pieces
and I think that we
are pretty good at puzzles

I think you should know
I stood out there, in the snow
and watched you walk away

it wasn't sad,
only too bad
because I wasn't finished

wasn't finished kissing you
and goofing off, like we do
there aren't enough hours

the way you make me feel
is so **** good, it can't be real
but believe me, I was there

I was there
when you touched my hair
and whispered away my worries

I was there
when you proved you care
in all those little ways

I was there
and it's not fair
that you won't be,
in a few months time

Don't leave.

She was daisy chains in July
Wilted by August
And nearly nonexistent when the leaves fell
But she bounced back every spring
Even though she fell often
In those season changing winds
She was soft and small
And had her heart right there
In the center
More golden than the sun
She was the definition of delicate
And knew the meaning of sincerity
She was everything she could have been
And somehow always growing
She was not one, but many
A symbol of simplicity
And I'd wear her as a crown
If only
She'd let me

Some say
That running is
For scared people

But I don't think they know
What it feels like when you go
As fast as you can

The wind whips your cheeks
And you forget about your week
Where nothing went right

You're breathing hard
Your heart was scarred
But now you can't feel it

So you go faster
In the hopes to master
The power behind your legs

It's become a task
How long will you last
Before you have to stop?

The pain comes back
Your face goes slack
And your breathing regulates

You feel the hurt
It's the sweat on your shirt
And so you go to change

You weren't scared
You only cared
To go and stretch your legs

They don't have to know they're right

**** you for stealing my focus;
You stole it long ago
Back when we'd share glances in the halls or across the street,
I'd find myself seeing you when you were nowhere in sight
And now that you make sure you're nowhere in sight,
In my general vicinity, my town,
You're everywhere
In all those songs, those jokes, that piece of coconut cream pie,
And today you were in my head
While I ran,
Kicked my own *** while trying to chase down some other girl
That was just one too many steps ahead;
I thought about the run we went on,
You and I,
The stupidly long one
Where you adjusted your lanky stride
So I wouldn't fall behind,
And I discovered I could love you;
And while I worked my legs a little harder
I thought about the way you
Would graze my thigh and hold my knee
In such a subtle way that
Only I would notice;
**** you for taking my focus
In the only realm I can escape real life.
I beat that girl
And another one too
But the whole **** time
I was running after you.

Push my back against a wall
and yell until you're hoarse;
Slap me around,
knock me to the ground
and kick me 'til you're spent
Pound through my thick skull
and tell me how I'm blessed

Now shoot me
with an empty gun;
Scare me into remembering
what I've got to live for;

*everything

And it's still hard to believe it's been a year
even after a year has turned into a year and one month

And the burn that follows a tequila shot
is accompanied by your laugh

And coconut anything smells like you

And anytime any one of the many songs you loved plays
You are all I see

And I think about your eyelashes
when I put my makeup on

And red lipstick and polka dots
cannot be worn without remembering you on any other day

And lemon squares taste
like those good times

LOTR? The Beatles? Pink Floyd? Fleetwood Mac? Shakespeare? Hilary Duff?(only you would understand)
All enjoyed with you in mind

And everything that's awesome
has become a reminder
that you missed being our tequila queen on the first day;
that you never got to wear your cap and gown
and eat pancakes at 5 am;
never got to see eighteen
and put your well educated vote to use;
and you never got to stand to your full five feet and one inch
and say to the world
"Here I come."

And I guess the songbirds keep singing
with that blackbird
in the dead of night

But it's hard to hear
because we're all butchering Bennie and the Jets
at the top of our lungs
from atop someone's couch

Just like you'd have wanted,
just like you'd have done.

I spent lots of minutes and a deep cup of coffee
with your sister, warding off the rain
and realizing that it was easier to acknowledge
that you've become someone I never met,
who wouldn't call me babesio and give me an Anthurium for Valentines Day
because they were sold out of Cactus's,
I decided it was easier to call you a loser
and laugh at how everything isn't working out;
Life's not what it should have been
for you or us
and nodding along when your sister says
'you're better than him, he'll figure it out'
because it was much easier than acknowledging
that I still only want to wrap you up in a hug
spend all day doing nothing together
and talk about all the grand things we might do someday

I'm okay
Really, I'm fine
But you're not
And that hurts me more than you will ever know

and everything that's less is more
when we're wrapped up in a way that has always made more
sense than all the dollars you think you need to spend on me
but I just want you to see that when breathing is heavy and I can feel your heartbeat
better than my own is when I know that it'll be okay and even if we aren't meant for more than a little piece
of forever now has never been better
and I just hope you like me in
my socks

on that dark snowy street
tongue tied
with yours
you had
my heart beating
too fast to tell me
how to feel
anything but
my frozen feet
your soft fingertips
and that big bowl
of salad
i let you buy me

The words flew out
My mouth
Now scorched
I watch as your
Anger ignites
Your hair, blight
With orange flames
Lick your cheeks red,
Your eyes attempt
To quell the heat
But useless tears
Fall at your feet;
My head, heart
Already burned
Crisp and black
I can't
I won't
Ever take it back.

Can a sweater be remade?
After one thread got caught and the rest began unraveling
After you leave and I'm here and there's a mess of string between us
I want to take it all back, find that thread that caught and tuck it back in
I want to pull it all in, tighter than it was before, close-knit
There's a breeze sneaking through the holes
And fear of this new reality chills my bones
I just want warmth
That reaches to the tips of my fingers and toes
Warmth that I can't contain
The kind that escapes in laughter
Leaves my cheeks permanently flushed
Emanates from me so that everyone can feel it
I want to be warm
I want you to be warm

I thought you said
                 you knew how to knit

       I once thought I said
the same

Why is it
That you can do no wrong?
What part of me forgives you
When we start to talk or I hear that song?
You've hurt me pretty badly,
In more ways than just the one
But I admit, and I do so sadly,
That I make excuses
And spread the blame around
Each time leaving you untouched
Still on your pedestal, safe and sound;
At times I find you awful
And your methods and morals unlawful
But I can't seem to let you go;
I hold on for dear life,
Stupidly picturing that someday
I'll be your wife;
In attempts to sort my feelings
I fill my head with useless fantasies and hopes
Only to get them crushed and later have to cope;
How is it
that you managed
to wrap me up so tight?
Wasting all my thoughts on those endless summer nights;
But truthfully
When it was good it was great
The only real issue
Is I just can't seem to hate
You for any single thing you've done
And it's because of that
I'm starting to believe
You've really truly won.

I'm choking
                                          On nothing really
                                                 Just emotions and air
But it's awfully uncomfortable
                                                   The thought
                                                     Of trying
                                     To stomach it all
                                               Digest it
                          And make it work
                                       For me
Is enough to make me gag
Again
             It doesn't taste very good
                  And I'm sick
                          Of having it forced
                                Down my throat
                                  But if I don't eat it
It won't go away
                            I can't throw it out
But I might throw it up
                              I don't know
     How much longer
                     It will sit
It's an invisible struggle
     I'm the only one who feels it
I think
             Chances are
                                   I'm "overreacting"
Could we change the recipe?

So much lost
And so much learned
We'll push our luck
Laughing with tears
We'll make mistakes like every child
Does once or twice
We'll go beyond
And do it thrice
Who knows where
Or why and what for
But we'll  try each key
Open each door
Throw our pennies down the well
Ride each wave
And crash each swell
We'll hold on til the bitter end
Only believing in the innocently pretend
We'll wreck our brains and feed our souls
Build memories and forget about gold
For it's too heavy for the free of heart
And last but not least
We'll make a strong pact
That no matter who or what
We won't look back

Oh it's just the little things
the way she hummed
and the way he sings
the warm tea
that tickles my nose
the wet dog tongue
that tickles my toes
that look you throw across the hall
that gut wrenching feeling
when you fall
the warm breeze
that envelops the night
the millions of stars
that twinkle bright
the moment at the top of a slide
the feeling that follows
a really good cry
the kind of laughter
that makes you hurt
the comfort you get
from that old ugly shirt
the moments you forget to count
that all add up
to
being
   happy

I was never good at tying knots
Until you came along
And taught me every way to tie
A necktie, a bow tie, a scarf
And then we would untie them;
I like that you wear scarves;
You quickly taught me how
To tangle sheets in the thick of darkness
And we then learned how to untangle
Arms, legs, fingers and toes
While the sun rose
And baked us in possibility;
When neckties and sheets
Were no longer a challenge
We tackled tying heartstrings
And very quickly those knots were made
Fastening your heart to mine
A beautiful mass of present and past
And a little of what could be;
We practiced our little knots
Of fabric flesh and feelings,
All day, everyday
Eight months of days
We had them perfected
As perfect as we needed them to be
There's no way they'd come undone
And now as you're leaving
And I don't know if you can feel it
But those strings are tight
They're holding good,
But I'm feeling a little ripping,
Right there in my chest;
Maybe you should untie them
Because you always tied best.

Here comes the tide
eating at my edges
washing away my resolve;
each wave taking more than the last
and I sit here
anticipating that one wave that will take me away;
pull me under,
swirl me around
and eventually let me sink
to the bottom
of that ******* ocean,
that I have tried so hard to stay away from,
I built my walls tall and thick
high up on the shore,
because I have discovered
that I no longer know
how to tread water.

Oh dear
oh darling me
how did I come to be
so completely
stuck
under this ridiculous umbrella
of ideas, plans and everything
the world throws
like bricks
and stones and sticks
that crack my bones
dissolve my morals
and break my heart
   my
        little
               beating
heart
I can only scream so loud
and can only listen so close
but one of us is going to have to
try
      harder
because I'm losing
all thoughts that strike a heart string
to my tears
my fears
and my storm is still too steady
for me
to
    put
          away
                   the
umbrella

Awkward tastes like that glass of red wine you offered,
My name falling out of your mouth like a word you'd forgotten;
Awkward feels like your arms around me
and me trying to remember if you used to rub my back in a hug;
Awkward looks like not making any eye contact
but instead taking turns watching eachother;
The room was full of your family and latina music,
I hadn't been that happy since September
And all the while I could feel my heart choking
On the silence between you and I
And that big lump of "What now?"
That currently defines us.

I need to stop hating myself
for being the type of girl who loves love
because despite the bitter backlash I have never experienced a thing more beautiful
and that's saying something because
I'm the type of girl who hunts for a sunrise and feels cheated when I miss the sunset
I'm the type of girl that hates going to sleep because I might miss out on something amazing,
even if it's just a cloudless night
I need to stop over thinking everything because
I'm the type of girl who acts from the heart
and my head only gets in the way, makes me regret the decisions I know are right
I'm the type of girl who says what she means
and will cry if I'm hurt
if I'm mad
or if you're hurt
or you're mad
I'm the type of girl that cries
because anger scares me
When I fall, I fall hard because
I'm the type of girl that won't hide behind my pride
I'll put myself out there because
you can't feel love with only part of your heart
I'm the type of girl who loves love
I'm the type of girl who gets hurt
But I have seen incomparable beauty.

I am born into womanhood
at a time when the culture of love is synonymous with that of passion;
defined by the quiet crinkle of foil wrappers
and sweaty skin.

I am born into womanhood
at a time when beauty is defined by others,
when how you look is who you are;
nothing more and certainly always less.

I am born into womanhood
at a time when women are so powerful
that they are constantly trying to knock their sisters down;
self betterment and discovery are discarded for the sake
of being on top.

But I was born into a marriage
that values favourite colours
and buys flowers just because;
I love you is said as an appreciation,
not an obligation.

I was born into a family
that compliments my achievements and my interests,
that tells me I will do beautiful things;
I will be beautiful in this world because I am,
not because I could be.

I was born into friendships
that survive on the strength of diversity
and without the integrity of each other,
the shoulders to lean on,
may as well be leaves in the wind.

I am born into womanhood
a different kind of woman.

there's a heavy weight
         an empty kind of ache
crushing my lungs
you walked away
           blinking back tears
but you loved me with such ease
in ways i never could
and my heart is fragments in my hand
reaching out to you
           my voice catching in my throat
knowing you were saving me one last time
knowing that you walking away meant i didn't have to
            
            i'll miss you