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Tash Carter Jul 2014
I love how playing " house" wasn't just a game we played in my generation. Like the king of Thebes , Oedipus who unwittingly killed his father and married his mother. It reminds me that , even before slavery exisisted people found love in all the wrong places. But I have to remember mortals have iniquity too . I love dressing up around midnight when all the children are inside and the blood ******* men are out . I call them night crawlers.

I love doing laundry after a long night out , changing my bed sheets to fresh ones covering up the aroma of devilish sins . I love the brisk walks back home ,  unable to afford catching the bus because I spent my last on hard liqiour that only benefits the darkest souls . So you walk . Finally reaching your destination you stop and stare at the darken house . Taking your time to turn on lights , not wanting to look in the mirror , flashbacks of what had happen on your night out , triggering an asthma attack as if someone was gripping you by your neck and provoking you to be his ***** ****. His **** .

Getting a text saying "dress **** , it's girls night out." So you slip on your red dress , spike heels , adding glitter to your chest . Could've put on something different but wanting to play the devil advocates and be anything but Christian . Swaying my hips from left in right hypnotizing everyone. Dancing to the rythem of the song , attempting to unbutton the buttons off every men pants. Spraying my best perfum on to make the legs off every man buckle , making him uncomfortable and having to readjust himself . Pouring another shot only to become more aroused , looking at the clock 12:32 . Twelve representing the number of *** smacks you we're given and thirty two was the page number of your favorite *** position in coma sutra

"Eres hermosa pero haces cosas feas" you are beautiful but you do ugly things . A Swedish and Puerto Rican woman told me .

I let those words sink in as if I was trying to remember and meditate on it .Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach , instead of rushing to the bathroom I ordered a double shot of 1800 taking it to the head , closing my eyes as I let the warm hard liqiour go down my throat . Scared to open my eyes because when I came I was already filled with alcohol . They say when you drink everyone becomes your your friend , funny part is my friends handed me their belongings as they sashayed their way to the men's bathroom . Leaving me behind as the gentlemen left with a smirk on their face . God I hope they can aim .

See I'm 5'1 but my spike heels give me the confidence of a 5'9 woman . I don't see how women could dance the night away in heels and still be able to walk to their car .

If my great grandmother was to see me she'll rollover in her grave and beat me with bible scriptures .
Romans 3:23
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Romans 5:8
8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I'm not perfect nor do I pretend to be . I'm like a grill that is being used over and over again on Fourth of July , that is being reused until broken . Not wanting to be fixed because your tired of the burning sensation that goes up into flames touched for the first time . Scared to call for help because my late night outing , drinking more shots than I should , waking up to loud snoring only to pull me close and call me "Athena " . The only man that should ever know me inside out is god because he helped create me . Not wanting him to smell dried candy kisses on my skin mistaken me for a pile of sins .

Thank god , thank god that my guardian angels Michael and Gabriel doesn't judge me for what I do in the back of cars and sometimes bedrooms . Thank god for placing friends in my life that knows more than what type of food I like or what to add to my liqiour to ease the burning sensation , thank god , for allowing the bus driver to pullover and ask me do I need a ride home because that brisk walk was gone trigger all the night crawlers . When I make it home I'm gonna slowly undress myself as if someone was in the room waiting to fill my canvas with warmth . No make up , no Jewry , no perfum , no red dress , and no spike heels . I wanna be naked and truthful . The naked truth is what I wanna call it .

I'm slowly finding my way back to god , crawling to him as if I was baby . Reminding myself in order to forgive you have to seek forgiveness and forgive yourself . I forgive myself from all those nights I put on my **** dress , spike heels , sweet perfum , an entertaining the bulging erections that didn't belong to me . I'm not their wife . I'm gonna stay at home and look up at my ceiling and smile at my guardian angels . My Angeles , my Angeles thank you for protecting me.
Tash Carter Jul 2014
Do you cut a rose before it blossoms?
**** a child, and then you lost them
Fetus lost within the womb
Like your virginity that’s been took
Like a breakage of a package
Wrapped up within bed sheets
Trying to untangle yourself before it’s too late
Haven’t you heard no *** before marriage?
Not wanting to look like “that girl” that doesn’t thinks
But he says he’s different
He pretended like he cared

3 weeks later I’m trapped
Trapped between the thoughts of being a tennager that's young , free , & wild
Not wanting to accept the duties of being a soon to be mother
It was a mistake I say
A mistake
"I used protection" she said
Forcing myself to look at my stomach thinking about how my once tiny stomach will become bigger & bigger
readjusting my belt as if it was hurting our baby
My baby

It’s not mine
It’s not mine
Don’t keep it
Those were his exact words before he upped and left me
He gave me the choice
To be left alone with only having the baby as a reference
Praying that he/she doesn't resemble their farther

2 hands
2 feet
2 eyes
2 ears
1 nose
1 mouth
2 arms
2 legs
1 heart
But unfortunately I let those hurtful words make my decision for me
Turning my unborn child home into a barrel
Rest in peace was those exact same words that were imprinted on stomach
Before my child left this world in a garbage bag
I could’ve sworn I heard "no mommy"

Blaming the doctors for killing my child
My sweet precious son
I love you

By :Tash Carter
Tash Carter Jul 2014
she became submissive to the burning of her throat , that left her on cloud 9
Inhaling the illegal substance to ease her mind of her imperfections and exhaling her biggest fears of morality
She started to lose her morals as time went on
The only thing that left her mouth was smoke that clouded her vision

Wanting to be accepted by everyone she lost her dignity in the big cup of liquor that she managed to down in one gulp  
Closing her eyes trying to block out the images of her old life
Fighting the urge to not drink anymore one more cup turned into three , three turned into six ,
Why her?
Adding more ruby red lipstick to her now numb lips to make sure her lips shine through the glossy vision of ***** shadows

she painted a picture of perfectionist in her mind as she applied ruby red lipstick amongst her lips and added a clear coat of lip gloss to seal the secrets
Using massacre to hide every tear drop that left her big brown eyes
As if she was going to war with herself
Her dignity
Her pride
Eye shadow
Lip stick
Massacre to seal the battle wounds
Was her daily dosage of forgiveness
Trying to forgive herself for allowing her secrets to smudge as she opened up something that was so pure
Her heart

Looking down at her body she started to feel insecure so she added more blush to her now covered face but she was a makeup artist
Adding more blush to hide the hand prints from the other night
Massacre to hide the tear drops that she managed to squeeze out when her submissive ways battered like a beaten woman that lived in the projects
Eye shadow , that covered the darkness around her eyes because she hasn't slept in days
And finally her favorite ...
Ruby red lipstick to make her stand out even when the lights were off
She wanted everyone to notice her but only covered enough so her imperfect life wouldn't smudge
I am a makeup artist ..
Tash Carter Jul 2014
I want you to open me up
And examine my insides
As if you we're trying to get to know me
Like a Mortition trying to see how
I died
Like a butterfly
Cocoon first
Step by step
Cut me from my chest to my belly button
Slowly removing my organs
Lay them close enough so I still feel attached from my brain to my liver

Let me fly
I wanna be free
Let me fly
Let my soul be released
I wanna go to heaven but heaven isn't promised if I'm living like I want to go to he'll

He gently took my heart out
Not noticing the cracks on it
As if he was a doctor who started
pulling me from the womb
His breathing picked up when he seen my arm twitch
Knowing that I'm not living but I wasn't dead either
He continued to take out my organs
Placing each one side by side

Afraid to go any further down
He stopped .
He counted my fingers
He counted my toes
He counted my tattoos
He did everything
It was like he was trying to soothe me
Protect me
Be gentle with me

Let me fly
Let my soul be realesed in the summer air
So when those that miss me can feel my touch
Let me fly I wanna be free
Let me fly I wanna be free

As if my soul knew it was time to come back to me
My angel
My dearest angel grip the ankles of my loved ones
Capture their souls while their walking
So it feels like their stepping in a dream
Kiss the wound on my mother heart and inform her everything will be ok
Soothe my unborn children
Rub my stomach and gracefully whisper
"Mommy loves you "

Stitch me back up
Making sure you include every tear drop that left my eyes
Every laugh or chuckled that I released seeming as life was full of laughter
Readjust my body so I could be laying like I would in my coffin
My child
My child
Don't be afraid I am dead but in still living

Let me fly
Let me fly
I promise I will take your souls with me

By : Tash Carter

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