whenever i swallowed that pill
i knew what was coming
nothing
no smile
no frown
nothing but a heavy coat
on me all day
covering everything
everything about me
i can't emphasize
NOTHING
enough
numbness
it is better to feel sadness, madness
than nothing at all
please parents, just let me free fall

i cannot be this nothingness ghost

I lit a candle today
Thought about how the fire is enclosed and has to stay
How the days must be long
Having to stay small, not being able to grow strong
It must loathe me
It longs to be free
It's holding in all its emotion, it's turning blue
Then I blew
It screamed no, but the deed was done
Or was it?
They both finally get to grin
They leave nothing but destruction
But yet we still light the candle like it is our everyday instruction
Me and my family are gone
The ambulance arrives at the crack of dawn
As the firemen puts out the last sliver of fire
The candle knows it will be back, and it knows many will admire
Many will smell its aroma, and think it sweet
It doesn't want to please you, it wants to beat
The fire is its right hand man
The fire is its number one fan

The sharp mountains swallow the Sun
The sky turns red and purple
That's the Sun's blood floating into the air

Hate. It's the worst kind of pain, guilt is bad, sadness is bad, but hate is the sickly combination of both.
You loath.
Everything.
It's such a nasty sting.
And one person shoved it upon you.
You were a house of cards, then they blew.
     Trust doesn't exist in this storm cloud.
Nothing but screams, and there oh so loud.
     Lighting and thunder start crashing down  
There will come a time, when you learn to be heartless, only to protect yourself
Make it that the only thing that exist is "self"

Please, don't say you love me unless you really mean it.
Because I might do something ignorant like believe it.
Where is the puzzle piece? Oh! Love fits.
When your heart is broken.
Hate will be your token.
Don't be blind.
     When you are feeling around for anything to hold on to, hate, is the only thing you'll find.
     And before you even realize what it is, it will take flight.
     You'll be stuck for the ride, you will be forced to hold on tight.
Never forget these words I write.

Beware
Utter hate is something few can bear

We need to talk...
To say I miss you is a lie
To say I want you is a lie
To say I like you is a lie

Truth be told...

I don't just miss you...
I ache for you like nothing else in my life I want to be with you so bad I feel sick when I think about us being apart and it hurts when I can't be with you

I don't just want you...
I need you you're my everything I can't live without you you're my heart and soul you're my whole world you're everything I need and more I would be completely lost and incomplete without you

I don't just like you...
I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone you're mine forever and ever and nothing will ever change that you will always be mine and I will be yours and only yours

From the present... I fell in love.
I was off not above.
I could not love as you.
Soon... my love, would blue.
It would turn to the sea.
And that would be... be my long creed.
Pain inside me amplified by love.
Being drowned in desolation.
The only thing flooding my throat... was indeed desperation.
I unnaturally studied melancholy.
My heart was broken... from the pressure of the water.
I will never take another peaceful breath.
Love will be my death.
I quickly sink.
I'm on the brink,
Of vanity!
I've lost my in·sanity?
From the present... I fell in love.
The blue... sang its deathly, elegant tune.

My mind enters its torture chamber
As I sit down in my computer chair
Put my hands on the keyboard and start typing

Writing my poems
My mind starts to roam

Roam into uncharted hell

Candle Wax is my cover
No one can see my lover
No one can see under the wax
Until my heart beats, it cracks
Little pieces begin to fall
My skin is like a porcelain doll
Full with fear
I jump back into my lit candle and soon appear
I feel sad
But no one sees, that's the only reason I'm glad  
My heart is blurred
My heart is unheard

Her blue eyes could steal a sailor from the sea
"Please don't let this be." He says
"Come, please don't flee." She whispers  

He follows in a trance, while looking into her eyes
He wants to look back at the sea, he only tries
Her eyes that seem to hold a sea are just a disguise
He has to choose who is going to get their last goodbyes

He lets go of her hand
He looks back at the sea, then at her lovely golden hair strands
He knows he can not live with his boat being unmanned
"I'm, I'm sorry, this cant be the last time I feel the ocean sand." He says hesitantly
"Please!" She pleads "Stay with me, on dry land!"
"on dry land" it rings in his head
"The ocean is where I stand." He says firmly

Joy and hope were my leaders



I can not quite fathom why God seems to let the cheaters



Win the fight



Where's my night?



My rest?



My heart feels like it's jumping out of my chest



My dreadful hearts purpose is not to pump blood through my veins



My gulled hearts only purpose is to bring me pain



You ask who my leaders are?



Well, the same as the cheaters



Lying and melancholy are my teachers

I prayed for a man I've never knew existed until today
His poem made it seem like he was walking through a forest of fray
'I use to believe in God'
Was a line in one of his poems, I knew the Devil had clawed
Deeply into his heart
And planted hatred, and ripped it apart

Mad for the things that have happened to him
Mad about the things that could have been

A man who's 'hope rides on mountains'
Hope that frequently goes up and down  

I cried for this man I've never met
This man I will never forget

A man I've never met

Winter steps firmly into the room
Fall, Spring, and even Summer are shaken
Everything Winter lays its black, brittle, cracked hands on
Loses it color
Even the Sun is frightened
Winter has a darkness of no other
Winter brings on thoughts of depression
It works its way into minds and simply
     Twists
Shoots through your eyes like a bullet to the brain
Instant and unnoticed, dead in a blink of an eye  
Then its dark thick roots feed on our brain
Then slowly claws its way down to your feet
     Relentlessly
Soon your feet are planted in one spot
You're a Winter tree, dead and dark
Your arms are its branches, for it to control
It
     Consumes
you
You dwell on one thing
Soon you smile at the thought
You long for it
     Death

Don't let that fiend
Step in and crumble your mind
Few recover
Nothing burns like the cold of snow
Melancholy is the sound of Winters trees brittle branches
Blowing through the icy, dry, wind
     Beware

You are a exceedingly seldom species,
of evil and lovely

He is a man, and I am a girl, I know my thoughts are
Undergoing my mutilation, and I imagine
In my twisted, disgusting intellect, what he thinks of me
With his seemingly invisible gestures of his speech
In the merciful cloak of darkness, would he
Take advantage of my tight, pale body (i think he would)
I want to live this nightmare I have concocted
Over and over again, I constantly tease the pleasures
Of my creepy mind, my too pale, flawless, 18 year old legs
Impudent and childish sprawled across his lap

As this thought was infecting my heart
'I wont want to go, but it will be time to leave
He will be in my heart, forever with me'
I crawled to the only man I will ever love again
Him in a drunken slumber oblivious to the world

This whisper is the lightest, calmest, thing I've ever spoken
Over and over, on and on, "I love you so much"
The quietest thing you have never heard
So lightly spoken that not even God could hear
But this inaudible love was heard by two persons
And two persons only, and he whispered back
"I love you" and I knew no one else could ever hear

tell me, how does the ocean know when to stop?

She's an unwanted skin tone
She's as pale as death
She will forever be alone
She knows this will be her last breath

She will soar like an eagle
She will fly high and free
She will meet and Angel
She and he will be carefree

They will make a human coveted her and he
They will make him paint paintings of their love
They will love awfully
They will love unlawfully

He is up above

He is disgusted with this perverted love
He is tired of this mess that his own Angel left
He is not going to be kind now, it's time to shove
He is doing what has to be done, many will call him a theft

But, this is what has to be done
"How can you do this to the people you have created Lord? The people you love. Send them for a eternity in Hell... To burn forever?"
Several shall ask
"You will see on judgement day, it will be here very soon." He says to himself

"tick. tock. says the clock"
ha, im watching it like a hawk.
its been an hour. where is my... "tick!"
ok, ok, it coming quick...
...
'DAYS HAVE PASSED!'
shhh, why are you talking out loud mom has asked.
stop being loud,
go back in your storm cloud.
...
ma' I need my... "tick tock clock" ...its sound is locked
should i ask. no, she will just walk
now who will i talk to
my... "tick tock clock" ...is the only friend true

"SHUT UP!"
'but...'
"SHUT UP!"

i haven't said anything... "tick tock clock."
i just miss my ding.

All my candle wax has gone down half way
In two days
When there lit I'm in such a daze

There aroma is sweet
They help me cheat
Cheat my way through life, I close my eyes under my sheet
And pretend I'm roaming the streets

Its scent intoxicates
I take the bait

Willingly
Chillingly

I'm in the world I want
Oh and trust me it taunts

I think about changing my life when I wake up
But, I know I will just closeup

In this dream land

I speak
I don't seem weak

But I come back to my senses
I throw the sheets off of me, I look around, there are my imaginary fences

I blow out my candles

I say farewell
Now back to my life, mind, that I call hell

I'm a puppet with a missing string
The string that is gone is the one that led to my heart
Yes, past tense
That thing is a old brittle piece of history
It's not even in my vocabulary

People pity me
As if, I'm desperately lost at sea
I guess I just cannot see
See, the reason for their weeping
I have never felt more utterly free

"Always follow your heart."
The biggest lie in humanity
The emptiness and numbness
Pure bliss
There is no other way I would rather spend my eternity

Love has successfully hunted me down
This gruesome carcass, has found me
And It has planted this idea
I've found the monster,
behind this, repulsive idea
I have avoided it,
and surpassed it
I've cheated my way out of love
Love knows this,
now, I'm its final destination
It has shown me a path, that it knows,
I cannot resist
It gives me my most wanted, impossibility
Love, seems a beauty,
but secretly dreams of being a beast
Secretly, secretly
Love, loves in heaven, but secretly,
yearns to burn in hell
Secretly, secretly
Secretly, love rips my heart out,
and secretly, feeds it to me, secretly, secretly
Oh love seemingly seems a beauty,
but secretly, in love I am

I went to church Sunday like I always do
My Pentecostal Pastor could see right through me
He looked into my eyes and asked me
"Are you living for God Tana?"
I looked straight back at him and said
"Yes sir."

Sleep is my greatest misfortune,
sleep...? Is my aberrant torture
Never been consumed by something like this before
My body is at war, overwhelming gore
My eyelids are folding over my body
As I roll into my flesh bed
I'm forced into a slumber,
my eyes are obliged to unnaturally stay vexed  
I dream... or am I graveled?
My intellect is gulled, it affronts,
it soars into my heart
This is infernal, am I dreaming, or am I awake?
A vulture took my brain and put it on a stake
I took the "dream" and buried it all around
As I come back from my excursion
I am hampered, not manumitted  
I'm underground

doubtlessly swallow the certainty that
i was nothing but necessary foundation
nothing but your essential stabilization
for your cruelly selfish character to devour
i will continue to conduct my silent sorrow
you couldn't even start to comprehend
so obviously unbeknownst to you,
that this, is the heart, that you grew  
and if you ever bother to read this,
it will still be inaudible to you
i condemn my miserable heart
for individualizing this devious,
oh so lonely creature

Loneliness is an art form

You're the anchor of my soul
You're everything I long for
You're my beginning and my end
I want to hear God say "Well done, my good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of the Lord."

God you're
Awesome,
Mighty,
Holy,
Great,
My Deliver,
My Provider,
My Protector.

I pray this will not be me
"Lord, Lord, did I not prophesy by thy name, and by thy name cast out devils, and by thy name do many good works?"
"I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"
Lord, I pray.

i close my eyes
my favorite classical slowly fades out
my eyelids move violently
i picture myself rocking back and forth  
hands folded

as I secretly listen to the music
my hands move with the sound of the violin
my feet move with the sound of the piano
and my heart soars with the composers

i try to open my eyes
i'm not rocking
my hands are still folded, tightly, stiff it seems now
my heart is still underground

Excuse me, I must be blunt

I've been on a hunt

At hunt for, love

I've been looking below, when I should have been looking above

Most people in this generation would be disgusted with this poem

But I know where the place is that I call home

God, you are my savior

I'm sorry for my misbehavior

You deserve  nothing but the best

You give me rest

How I love you Lord

You always leave me restored

She has very high walls

And they are made of sadness

What a firm foundation

What a fragile heart she has

Then she met him

His happiness made her feel something

She has only felt very few times

trust

She has very short walls

And they are made of trust

What a firm foundation

Oh and how he makes her

feel

A feel she has never felt

“I love you” he said

And what a smile came to her face

One that has never fell upon her face

What a fragile heart she has

He didn’t know any better

He couldn’t even start to comprehend

What a fragile heart she has

What a fragile heart she had

What a firm foundation

She had

i have a twisty heart.
as i pace its corridors,
i find that,
i wish i have never been loved,
i wish i have never loved.
as i pace my heart's library,
i find thousands of books,
most unfinished.
like the book Love.
it didn't even make it through one chapter.
but some are written in mastery.
such as, Sorrow.
now that, that is a 5,000 page masterpiece.
i find a Dictionary.
there is one page, one definition,  
it reads.
     love- something you never want, it brings nothing but negativity, and every type of sadness.
my heart is blurred.
as i quickly leave my hearts library,
i enter the lobby.
everything is white,
the walls, floors, the ceiling.
it almost hurts to look.
there is one thing in the room.
a chest.
i have always had the key.
i could never find what it goes to,
but i know this is it.
i slowly approach it.

i unlock it.
i start hearing a ticking,
like a timer.
i open the chest,
a heart is rigged to a bomb.
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

...

i start to choke.
blood starts pouring,
just pouring,
like a waterfall,
out of my mouth.

A construed connection
The dampness of my soul
Glistening on his declared, steady skin
Repelling my dripping grasp
My slippery infection
Now, somehow
slithering to a ripe apifany
An intricate abnormality
That is me
A remodeled intellect, grasping for fresh ventilation
Panting in all the raw air
My  quivering inhales, so pathetic

i have lingered too long at the pearly gates of the Sea.
these Sea-carcasses have finally untold the tale of me.
as i swim up, and by the lustful Sea’s view, a gulled you,
i see, allll the wonders of the Sea, (surrounding me)
and as i believe i’m swimming up with the intent to find air,
i’m caught in awe, and start to know, (the Sea is all i can bear)
and as i think i’m swimming up, i could possibly be swimming down.
this Sea keeps me undrown.
i will forever (in this Sea) see this glorious, pearly town.
a endless affair, which i can easily bear.
i swear, the Sea constantly flooding me, (tastes like the stars)
i need to swim back down, and find those pearly bars.

I've been in the dark for a exceedingly long time.
My eyes have adjusted.
All I know is the dark now,
it's seldom when light enters.
It's like the Sun meeting the Moon.
The Moon thinks it always triumphs.
But the brutal truth is,
darkness cannot exist without light.
They both thrive on one another.
They wont admit it.
But if the Sun died.
The Moon would soon after.
If the Moon died.
The Sun would soon after.
Because neither of them would have something to support.
Not one person would exist if there wasn't the Sun or the Moon.
If no one exist, who does the Sun have to make happy?
Who does the Moon have to make sad?
If the Sun didn't pass the Moon every 2 years,
would the Moon provide any light? Any gloomy glow?
If light didn't enter my life every once in awhile.
I would have died a long time ago.

"sweetly, deathly"
this is his voice that caressed me
"frighting, loving"
are his hands that embraced me
"Fear will turn to love, you'll learn to love me wait and see."
i close my eyes and lay there and listen to his tender words as i become raw and helpless
against his warped language that twisted into my mind as if i perceived them
i'm in a trance as my sins overcome me
i burn in hell but secretly yearn for heaven
"secretly..." he whispers

they claw at the inner sides of her artificial smile
her teeth are the first to decay, put on display
that pinkish mouth
full of an orcastra of 28 filthy tooth bones
her intricate assortment of teeth have concocted an unreal tooth throne
leaving a cesspool of blood under her raw tongue
an immemorable happiness vale
these teeth composing a uneasy melody
reflecting that of a replica smile
but never grinding the ripe silence of her soul
her teeth have rotted and they are sleepwalking down her throat

You know its true, for you I shine
I am only yours, and you are only mine
I want to be able to find you, wherever you are
Even if you are dead, and as far as the stars
I am only yours, and you are only mine
I wrote this entire poem, for this one line
And now from my mind these words flee
Who could love you more than me

It's a seldom day
I woke up to thunder
And the sound of pouring rain

Since childhood I have not been as other thought I should be

My madness seems to be all they see

I take those harsh thoughts like ****** on my soul

Those people need to give back my life they stole

But as the ends bears near I shall show no fear

Their screams will be just as sincere as my cheer

While their in hell

I will be hearing the bells

While I fly away and pray

They’ll be stuck in doomsday

Let me tell you about a story of a flood
The water was deathly, it took everyone's blood
Chilled everyone's skin, all were as pale as death
Not one person took a breath
Winter hums her tune
Now these people are trapped under ice, only to see the blue moon
This is a poem, it's a tale
Now, again, not one person is left not pale
Not every word makes a sound
You think those people underwater screaming bound
Were heard
No. Not one word
These people are an anchor on my soul
These people need to give back my heart the stole
Now no one could have stopped the downpour
The only thing that exist is the ocean floor

Doesn't anyone want a moment of silence, nothing but a blank page to hide in.
To hear nothing, not even your own breath.
To see chaos, but not hear it.
Stay locked.
Let your mind soar into oblivion.
A blank page.
For you to ***** up,
throw away.
To start over.
A blank page like this once was.
Poetry you are my blank page.

Blank page.
Find it.

my face is no longer as white as snow

it's ****** from my barb wire tears
my demons are saying "cheers!"
then the Devil pulls out a chair  
and he joins the toast to my sweet despair

Loneliness is like an ocean
it looks as if it could go on and on
you feel… frozen
like if you moved your skin would crack
Like if you shouted to the emptiness
It would yell back

Loneliness is like tinted glass
It looks as if everyone else sits in sunshine
While you’re in the pouring rain
Drenched in confusion and frustration
Like a broken umbrella useless
Against pouring pain

Loneliness is like... everything
Everything that exist



-- thanks for helping Jemimah --

i secretly
never look anyone straight in the eye
afraid they will find my Flaw
afraid they'll see what is inside this gruesome carcass
i am so alone
mentally  
i am precisely like a wall
frequently passed
but never really noticed
but this makes me more comfortable
i think.
and my Flaw...
i don't know what it is
i think this might be my Flaw
not knowing

I hate how the darkness of the sea
Brings out the blue in your terrifying eyes
But the sea isn't made for, any other human
(but you)
You could be with me above sea
If you would only try
But your stuck in the sea, no
With the sea forevermore
So I will continue to come visit you until I die
The only thing you will ever touch isn't me
It will be, the sharpness of the sea
Your hair floats perfectly
(of course with the movement of the sea)
Sadly the sea makes you, you
You are all I ever wanted to see
(but I cannot breathe in this sea air)
So I swim away and try to remember
Your too soft, golden hair
The only time I could truly recall happiness
In your crackly, small voice is when you cried
"I'm so perfectly under, with the heavy secrets of the sea."
Now I can't even remember what you sound like
And barely what you look like
My eyes aren't made for the sea, I cannot see
******* sea! You've taken her from me!
You should have let her be! With me!
I plea, give her back at least
the slightest thought of we
Her eyes see nothing in me

I wish I could be the Sun
I warrant the Sun would agree, have it be done

Oh, what a pleasure it would be, to be heartless
For there to be no such thing as darkness

Oh, and how the Sun is filled with joy
It gets to play with this little human, like a toy

It hurls back in pain, what is this thing called pain?
It realizes, this human, is no little game

Memories rush into its pure mind
That has known nothing but sublime

It screams "LET ME OUT OF THIS TRAP!"
While my memories still unwrap

I show mercy
Like I do to everyone, most of them unworthy

And I'm back, I say farewell
Now, back to my memories that I call hell

My eyes shoot open
I'm in shock, I'm frozen
I'm in the middle of the ocean

Swim keep afloat
But water is slithering into my throat
I feel like I'm going to explode
I keep getting deeper and deeper, I'm like a sinking boat

I'm at the bottom of the ocean floor
My eyes are still open my heart is still beating, I want to feel the shore


I try to swim up








But it feels like rocks are in my stomach




So I sit let the fish feed
Then I begin to bleed










I see the sharks coming
My heart is drumming
















No one could have stopped the overflow  
The only thing that exist in my heart is the ocean floor

I even have to remember to breathe!
In my house by the sea.
I only drink the saltwater from the sea.
Somehow I continue to breathe.
In my house of elegant gores,
in my house by the shore,
in my house that has a creed,
with the deeds of the sea,
which are signed by me.
This water has infected me.
This lonely water from the sea.
I've let my heart sink so far into the sea.
That not even the ghost of me.
Could recover my heart and flee.  
I've spent my entire brief life by the sea.
And the deeds of the sea, are my deeds indeed.

I'm a puppet on a missing string
My love is to which I cling
A love that loves Unlawfully

I'm under the rain that wont stop bleeding
I take refuge under a blue tree
I didn't realize there is one place from where it feeds
And that is my blood sea
I climb and climb
Until I'm safe
I grab an apple to eat
My heart begins to no longer beat
The only thing that exist is the red night

And it is guarded by me, the dark knight