the ocean
vast nothingness
dark waves
crash and receed
dive into me
make me feel
not so
*empty

I am envolped in darkness
currently just I
searching for a dark soul
to join me
he will understand
my desires
my want for pain and love
his views as twisted as mine
understanding the earths flaws
digging at them
scratching
healing over time

oh my gasp
how much longer can I last
with out your touch
I am
craving
ca
   ca
       ca
           ca
               crrrraving
                                 the affection
I'll show you the direction
put your hands on me
become a savage beast
bite my lip and feel please
I'm only human, feed me
feed my hunger, my disease
feed me
feed me
touch me touch me
kiss me love me bite me **** me
I need your skin

I have to hold my heart from coming out of my chest
I need to realize that I can't treat this time like the rest
need to change the patterns and let go of the mess
stitch up the wounds and think about it less
I'm always stepping into puddles that turn as deep as the ocean
always asking myself can others feel deep devotion?
I'm scared but still walking the smallest step at a time
although my emotions fly out without me even trying
always falling so fast and trusting to soon
pushing all away with fear, leaving me to consume
over thinking, over bearing, God, I can't stand my mind
why can't I take breather?, just a minute would be fine
but if I have no hope then I'll awlays be in darkness
And I can't let myself go there again cause I made myself a promise
I just have to keep my head up, even though my heart is on a sleeve
keep a smile, cause if I give up now, when will I ever believe?

these words like daggers
that you throw around
piercing the flesh
and soul

you must not know your own strength
because you can move a mountain
you can break the bend
remold a heart

all with these words
these tragic words

only some understand
these letters... can move you
these words...can change you
a sentence... can wound you

only some see the invisible force
that you can make crumble and decay

you haven't felt it
your own words
like daggers

it's so much easier to get hurt
to expect disappointment
just show me pain
I know what that feels like
just show me you are no better
because I'm no better
I know how to hurt
I can deal with it
just **** it all up
but do it sooner than later please
it will feel all the same
my heart knows no difference
JUST **** IT ALL UP
I'm scared
because you'll just disappoint  me
you'll just hurt me
please don't
don't hurt me

the shadows became people

street signs were dancing

lights flickered

focus
It's nothing...

then there she was
right in my headlights
my foot pressing the pedal
mind in a daze

short breath

she's gone

she was nothing

I let them lay me down
take a piece of me
forever-
it is gone

and I am searching
for affection
yeah, that's what I call it

shower it off
like it will rid me the memory
like the shame will go down
down the drain

tell myself, it's okay
maybe it meant something
no
don't lie
shh it's okay, don't cry

I lay myself down
give away a piece of me
I let them take it
it's gone.

I smile
as I hold back tears
I'm silent
cause if I speak, I'd choke
I sit by the fire
even though it doesn't warm me
I breathe
even though my lungs fight it
somehow, there is the smallest bit
of strong will
I can
I am
living with out you

You're so beautiful
                                 when
                                           you
                                                   lie

lie here with me
                              tell me
                                         I'm everything
                                                                  you need
lets play pretend
                             love me
                                      **** me
                                                  hate me
tell me
              I
                  am
                         beautiful

I was *****
I am not a victim any longer
I was *****
And I have redemption
I was *****
And my God is bigger
Than anything or feelings I want to hide
I was *****
And I feel sad for them
for reap what they sow
I was *****
Father forgive them for they do not know

I'm just supposed to let it go
let you throw it all away
be okay
I can't fight anymore
I've fought enough for myself
so keep walking, close the door
I've been through too much already
I know what I need
can't you see what mistake your blindly making?
I'm sure there will be more tears
but for now I am numb
I have conquered too much already, no more fears
I just don't understand how you said to me,  I love you
were you telling the truth, I don't regret it though
because yeah, at the time, I needed you too
I still haven't said goodbye
I feel I cant, I don't know how
I don't even want to try
I'm sure it will be easy for you to say it
I don't want to hear it though
maybe then the real pain will hit
and I can heal and be done
let you go and be okay
breathe in a deep breath
because you wanted to throw it all away

ah ****
I'm dreaming again

I should wake up
but it feels so good
hmm.....

always to quickly,
I close my eyes

drunk with emotion
and passion
and hope



don't wake me up.

I wanna taste the curve of her lips
so juicy
look at her
just standing there
she invites everyone in
with those eyes
and that wicked grin

she'll let me taste her
all of her
devour
and I'll look up into those eyes
and give her a wicked grin.

I have to write
write
or I will fall
take the blade
it will fall into my skin
I wish to slice my chest
rip out my heart
what has it done!
what good
I wish the curb was a cliff
so I could gracefully step off
and fly
my hair whirling around my face
eyes closed
then the end
I wish my cigarette was a poison
I could inhale
exhale toxic lies
be still
be finished
I have to write
write

I let this feeling sit inside me
this sharp emotion
worsening with each breath
anxiety
sorrow
bits of fiery rage

I don't dwell on it
but I let it sit and grow
doing nothing to ease this ache
I feel it physically

the dark thoughts dance
shadows in my mind
you could just....
just a little....
just...

where is this line
they call mind over matter
heart over head
where is this strength
that people see in me

because I feel so weak
so I'll just sit here
and let this feeling grow
I hope the shadows fade
who knows....

The first stream of ribbons
Ecstasy
Again I must have it
Another not so seamlessly
But the hue of red trickles down
No ecstasy...
again
again
The delicate razor glides effortlessly
again
again
Tiny ribbons for only me to see.

Before the sun comes I see you
not always how I want to

I see her too
she has you

you consume me
even though
you don't want me anymore
even though
I want to
let go

She doesn't know you
like I do


So now I wait
for the sun rise
to close my eyes
but
I still see you
never how I want to

how can you cause me so much pain?
it's almost been a year now
so much has changed
your name rarely passes my lips
but I am always dreaming about you
my last thought of the night
my first thought when I wake

always


you said always..

Look at me
no really
look.
My eyes are speaking
listen
can't you hear?
I do not want to say
and I don't
my lips do not move
but my eyes
look
they're screaming
can you not see me?

Each step aches
Pushing through mud like molasses
Just to get where I'm going
Just a breath
A moment of reprieve
But this, this is pain's space and time
Not mine
Days feel like months
My temple crumbling around me
Wavering and frail, even the wind shakes me
This is pain's time, not mine
The more I fight, the worse I feel
So I lay down my angry heart
In defeat, I have failed.

Shards of glass
broken
my mirror
my page
rage
the critic has won
you're such a *****
so ******* me
*******
yeah right
they are just words
they are just my deepest emotions
my scars
my battle wounds
my story
my violence
their violence
her story
your story
your knuckles are bleeding
by the way
just words...

The anxiety is cutting me deep
Yet intravenously they can put me to sleep
The idea of a needle in my hands makes me ill
Nothing seems to help anymore, no prescription nor pill
My body aches, longs for numbness, for real rest and ease
My mind is constantly racing and leaping, worsened by this disease
The affliction, a full circle, bringing me back to square one
Could I take back all I've started, undo who I've become?
Is this really making stronger for I've never felt so weak?
God please see me, because I know, blessed are meek.

I love that glow you get in your body from taking a sip
That burn in your chest
Music feels better
Conversation flows
You’re a super hero
Until you’re not.