#self-esteem
Lay me down heavy on the ground
Broken and bruised
Shine down on me daily
Warm and loving
Watch me blossom from shadows
Beautiful and yours
Mar 23, 2017
Mar 23, 2017 at 12:09 PM UTC
Let self-esteem make you beam.
Make thick-skin your fort.
Have Belief in every dream
And hold that Positive Thought.
Paul Butters
Feb 27, 2017
Feb 27, 2017 at 11:43 AM UTC
In
1, 2, 3.
Out
1, 2, 3, 4.
In
1, 2, 3.
Out
1, 2, 3, 4.
This breathing exercise
Won't change a thing.
But at least
I won't feel so much like
I'm drowning myself.
This distance between us
Is something I've become
Vividly aware of.
Much like my veins,
Much like my faults.
Maybe it's just me,
But I'd get frustrated with me too.
I know because I am me.
I live in my head.
I am ever the curious,
And ever the wondering.
Ever the insecure,
Forever grasping at straws
Hoping that I'd find that one virtue
About me
That will make me worthwhile.
I breathe,
Very aware of the expanding lungs beneath my ribcage,
The pulsating, blood filled heart in my chest.
Beating and beating and beating
Crying and crying and crying out:
Please just love us, we're all trying so hard!
Demanding that I follow it
To the end of time.
In
1, 2, 3.
Out,
1, 2, 3, 4.
Feb 25, 2017
Feb 25, 2017 at 2:22 PM UTC
Feeling unhappy;
that I'm not good enough
Unconvinced and in despair,
Disbelief in my own
act and decisions
I am doing the best I could
to meet the expectations;
thus I am frustrated
Why am I putting
a lot of pressure on myself
just to seek attention?
I am trying hard
until gratified
Why am I still unfulfilled?
In fact, I am scared
I fear that I may fail
and may not reach satisfaction
It feeds my self-doubt
perhaps I am good-for-nothing
Feb 22, 2017
Feb 22, 2017 at 12:10 PM UTC
and i'm a sad heart
in a stout body
with a thirsty mind
longing for reprieve
my bones are weary
like crystals my teardrops
shatter into a million fractals
there is no space for wholeness
no room for one piece
i am a sad heart
in the shape of a shipwreck
Feb 17, 2017
Feb 17, 2017 at 11:59 AM UTC
The path you take
The choice you make
It's all your decision
It's all your own vision
Cause everything's possible
This everything's now
It is what it is
You never know how
But if you believe
You can make a difference
And what a relief
This knowledge might bring
Just try everything
Try to do it your way
Let this be your one,
Your only experience
Remember that day
You look back on life
You see what it brings
You're staying alive
The difference
It's there
No one can deny
You made it,
You can
You are satisfied
:)
Jan 28, 2017
Jan 28, 2017 at 12:31 PM UTC
How do I explain that
today is a day I loathe myself
till red raw bones slip out of
their skin cages and bitter tendons
snap snap snap, ribs twisted,
fingernails gripping this bloodless face
white polka dot prints darkening
later to purple, I want to run away
but I cannot leave this house, I want
to forget but not to forgive, burning acid
sickening my stomach, I ***** hatred
at the mirror, there is nothing
good here, there is only
violence spinning a coin
and me.
Feb 1, 2017
Feb 1, 2017 at 1:53 PM UTC
It's getting me worried
It loses all glory
Confusion and fears
Is there, what appears
Another strange moment
The energy's missing
Its colour is new
A new day processing
As if I changed
My program in brains
As if the software
Needed some updates
Relaxed but tense
The opposites rule
Too less defense
Too much to do
The energy's a useful tool
I need to get from somewhere
It should appear inside of me
Not the confusion, that I see
I kinda lost something
The passing days
I tried to evaluate
But it's a mess
I wanted it perfect
I wanted it right
But now life's teaching me
It's alright
I gotta accept it
I gotta move on
I gotta just stop
Comparing at all
Too much to question there
I know, I don't know where
The best solution's hiding
But I will fight, Ill find it
This is already
What I do right now
I give myself energy
I give myself power
I encourage myself
To go on
Keep on moving
On fighting
Stop crying
Amusing how dramatic it sounds
My creativity now is unbundling
I will heal the confusion
I will break the illusion
I will always keep going
And myself, it is growing
Feb 1, 2017
Feb 1, 2017 at 6:23 AM UTC
Reaching out for something more
Before my mind shuts this door
Until my soul lingers for more
I’ll keep the faith that fills every pore
Why can’t I take this frame
And bend it back again
Will I be lost in this game
Unable to see through the shame
Shadows cast over the light
Which barely braved the darkened night
My question is, how long will you fight
When there’s only this horrid image in your line of site
Am I capable of something more
I’ve never succeeded when keeping score
The sense of loss becomes a chore
When the life you’ve longed for is no more
Jan 5, 2017
Jan 5, 2017 at 7:03 AM UTC
i have thrived on uncertainty
taught myself to fear the known
so whenever i am confident
i am often at my lowest
and when i'm wallowing
i'm closest to the sky
it is not the life
i recommend you live
hold tight to your beliefs, little dove
because once they are lost,
you'll find yourself undone
i was once seven years-old
i had never felt so tall
and now that i am older
i feel closet to the fall
because what i had found
someday i must have lost
and now that it is gone
it is like
it was never here at all
Dec 12, 2016
Dec 12, 2016 at 2:01 AM UTC
i feel as if i hurt people
not intentionally, more regrettably
but nonetheless i wonder if it stings
whenever i move farther away every
time i'm pulled closer to someone or something
it hurts for me, though i'll never admit
i hurt people, and through this i hurt myself
but i don't know how to stop
how to make myself well, if my
state of mind is stuck on an unreachable plane
then how can i rectify my past
how can i redefine my mistakes?
i dreamt once that the world was against me
but in the end i discovered a mirror
and in that moment i realized
that i'm really just against myself
Dec 12, 2016
Dec 12, 2016 at 12:44 AM UTC
Be what you are!
Be a moving picture star
if you want to take it that far.
Drive a huge fancy foreign car.
Or write a great book
All about the chances you took.
Sit beside a picturesque brook
And immortalize how the trees shook.
Go on and tell!
Say who you are as well.
Don’t wait for the final bell
You won’t get to hear the knell.
Chose the right words.
Set them and you free as a bird.
Make people know what they heard.
Create awe with what has occurred.
Maybe you can paint.
And let people see what ain’t
Or the halo of a beloved saint.
Maybe just to trigger critical complaint.
Or maybe you carve things
Complicated stuff like angel wings.
Carve so you feel the joy that it brings;
To stir the inner soul with wonderings.
Be what you are.
Even if people stare at a scar
Or run away as fast and as far.
Those shallow folk will end up in a bar.
Or maybe you stammer
When something makes you stutter
And people laugh at every word you utter.
What you are made of is so much better.
Dec 10, 2016
Dec 10, 2016 at 6:15 AM UTC
Tell me, my choice was not,
and never will be,
to hurt you.
I only hurt me.
You,
hold my hand.
Me,
gone with the wind, up the cliff, climbing that tree.
Help me.
I die , moonlight burns my bones.
Into ashes.
My soul sprinkled all over my bed sheets, i don't feel like getting up.
Oh, Sir, you have died.
A lot you gave me, do you see?
I am not what you left behind, I am nothing but a mere illusion of what I'm told to be.
I have to ask, will you be scared
of the monster,
life has turned me into?
By life, I mean,
people .
Will you all run away from the beast?
Will you stay until i eat what keeps you alive, and then leave?
Run.
Dec 6, 2016
Dec 6, 2016 at 10:20 AM UTC
nothing
I'm not
Special
I'm
A loser
Not
Number one
I believe that I'm
An insecure girl
Not
The one of the best and brightest of my kind
I am
Dumb and ugly
No, I can't be
The child my parents hope, wish, and want
Because I'm
Not good enough
Never am I
Special
(Now please read bottom to top)
Nov 21, 2016
Nov 21, 2016 at 1:37 AM UTC
by pretending I am more than I let on,
to like myself more,
to be able to forgive my weaknesses;
by pretending I am normal;
by pretending I am special;
sometimes there is pain, too much of it.
sometimes I numb the pain.
sometimes I worsen it,
sometimes forget about it.
I smile a lot, even when I don’t feel like it;
by forgetting to cry;
by allowing myself to feel good enough;
by thinking I’m worthy;
by telling others I love them,
when I am not brave enough,
caring enough,
too self-absorbed, to love.
by thinking that I will ever change;
by thinking that I will never change;
by giving up on myself;
by still hoping.
because I cannot lie to myself.
because I do not even know who I am.
because I’m trying
to become myself
and to get away from myself,
always at the same time.
Nov 3, 2016
Nov 3, 2016 at 8:12 AM UTC
Darkness feels great...grunge is the Feeling of teeth grinding on a steel plate
it still hates and seems to thrive under...like a mean bear in its cold slumber
they ask how high are you? I say real low...self-esteem is negative zero
steam blows through the nose of the enemy of the hero...which is stellar
enemies pretend to be civilians in red sweaters..killers of all colors
no surprise for the eyes of the blind..for they think deep thoughts and feel deep vibes.
in these's times there is no true winner the good guy is blurred out by the bad guys glimmer...well aren't you chipper? No, I'm bitter
"I'm as salty as a beach in my presidential suite" really? Well I **** it all like bleach
so please get your stain on...and if you take it away I will get my gain on
green light seems right...I call it game on
your all like crooked pictures with their frames off.
One pop to your face will knock your frame off...I will **** everybody..call me Adolf...The stickler...?
What is a joker to a riddler?
the past peel's like old paint stickers
Shadows become thicker...
Water becomes liquor
Girlfriends become strippers.
Darkness engulfs all including the small glimmers
Oct 19, 2016
Oct 19, 2016 at 11:46 AM UTC
It was January the 19th, 2011.
I was 15, he was almost 16.
I had only ever spoken to him once online.
He was like a mythical creature that I found out actually existed.
He had been at my school the whole year and I never seen him before.
I remember seeing him look at me.
I thought his eyes were as blue as the sky.
I felt my face blush as he spoke.
Later he asked for my number.
We began talking and he immediately had me hooked.
I pretended not to care,
but I let him know how I felt the next day.
I remember it was January the 26.
The day I got home to see a weird text on my phone.
It said he was lying.
That he was nothing but a lie.
I texted him,
hoping he would have a good excuse.
That's when he apologized,
and said those three words.
The three words he knew I had never heard from a guy like him.
"I love you" he said.
I stopped.
I was young and dumb,
and he knew that.
He knew I couldn't turn away from him.
It was February the 2nd.
We were outside,
just talking like we always did.
That's when he grabbed me,
we stopped and he leaned in.
I broke away and hugged him,
I pretended to not know what he truly wanted.
He then held me in place,
and kissed me.
My first kiss.
I hated it,
but I told myself it was magical.
I bragged and smile,
but inside it felt like a hurricane had been released inside of me.
My first real taste of the anxiety I know so well now.
Fast forward.
It was July the 4th, 2011.
We watched the fireworks with my friends.
Everything seemed magical.
The one thing keeping us apart was gone.
I felt so free and happy.
He kissed me more this night.
Even though there was nothing to feel guilty about,
I still didn't feel right.
But I ignored it and we continued our night.
That was the night we started our relationship, officially.
After that,
things get blurry,
but I remember some things so well.
I remember spending time with him after football games.
We'd get away from the crowds to talk,
but he always wanted more.
Each time he grew more forceful,
but I was able to push him away,
sometimes...
Then I turned 16.
I felt this age would be better.
I'd be stronger.
I could handle myself better,
and no one could hurt me.
This was going to be my year.
I was wrong.
I remember the first time he touched me.
It was the first time my parents actually trusted him alone with me.
I tried telling him not to.
I tried to resist and say no.
He didn't care.
He continued.
I remember praying for it to end.
I didn't know what to do.
He said it was love.
I told him it wasn't okay.
He was persistent.
He didn't care.
I remember when I started going along with the things he did,
just so I didn't feel as broken when he tried forcing me into things.
Each time,
I felt as if I died a little more.
I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating,
but it's truly how I felt.
I was a 16 year old who never imagined her life would be this way.
I felt defeated.
I wanted to run,
but my feet felt grounded.
I remember the times I fought back.
I remember him continuing.
I remember him pinning me down.
I would've cried if I wasn't trying to hide the shame I felt.
I wanted so badly to scream.
I wanted someone to save me.
No one came.
No one was there.
I somehow fought t him off before anything too awful happened,
but my spirit was still broken.
I still felt empty.
Broken.
Worthless.
I remember when I found out he cheated on me.
First it was with a girl who lived miles away.
I was hurt,
but I directed my anger towards her.
I don't understand why I was angry.
I should've just let her take him...
but I was young and stupid still.
Then I found out he was seeing a friend of mine.
That was the first time I self-harmed.
Because he didn't care that I knew.
He continued,
and he said he didn't care with no remorse in his voice.
This broke me.
I had so long believed that he truly cared for me,
and he suddenly seemed to see me as a nuisance.
Again...
I forgave him.
Like a stupid little lovesick girl,
I let him back in my life.
One of the biggest mistakes of my life.
Things got worse.
He began to count my flaws.
"You're boring".
"You don't do enough".
"You need to put out so I know you love me."
Word by word,
he tore me down.
I tried telling myself it would work.
I wanted it to work.
So as the words cut deep into me,
and as he continued to get more and more physically forceful,
I continued fighting for him.
By age 17,
I was turned to stone.
I didn't see those "sky blue eyes" I tried fantasizing about.
They were now just ice-cold and soulless.
The things he said didn't phase me much anymore.
I still tried fighting for myself
but it gradually got to the point where I felt too exhausted to fight.
I tried making us work,
but there wasn't much to salvage.
He was destroying all the hope I had since the beginning.
February 2013.
We had been arguing one day,
the whole day.
He wanted to go to some party that weekend.
I knew there would be girl and drinking.
He couldn't be trusted.
I knew what he was planning.
I told him I didn't want him going.
He wouldn't listen.
He continued to tear at me,
with those harsh words he knew were knives to my heart.
That night he called.
We instantly began arguing.
"I'm going, whether you like it or not!"
he exclaimed in an 'I'm in control here' voice.
"Then we're over."
I said bluntly.
"What? Are you serious?" he sounded so defeated.
I loved it.
I then told him I was serious and hung up,
with no explanation.
I think he called back and I told him I was honestly done.
I then called my friend who I told everything to.
I told him how I was sad everything was over,
but for the first time in almost 2 years,
I felt free.
For weeks he begged for me back.
Even after his secret girl had came forward,
and told me he had been cheating our entire relationship.
He actually thought I would come crawling back to him,
and it killed him to have no power over me.
I loved having so much power over him,
but I was not harsh.
I just said goodbye and lived my life away from him.
Not once did I even begin to say yes to his pleas for me to return.
Even when I felt broken down and lonely,
I refused to ever even exist next to him.
Weeks turned into months and he was still persistent.
I'd get a text every single month from him,
asking how I was.
Telling me he missed me and still loved me.
Each time I'd just say something like "Sorry".
I wasn't sorry.
Fast forward to the end of that year.
I hadn't seen him in awhile.
My loneliness had somehow developed into unresolved anger.
I realized everything he had done to me.
I understood that he had destroyed my self esteem...
my self worth.
The next time I seen him he tried saying hello.
I screamed at him.
He never tried speaking to me again.
I'm 20 years old now.
I am engaged to a wonderful man.
We have dreams and goals that we will accomplish.
He tells me I'm beautiful.
He is the one for me.
His eyes are blue.
Sky blue.
The warmest eyes I've ever seen.
He's been with me at my worst,
and supported me through my best.
He is the one I was looking for when I was 15.
It took awhile to find him,
because of the guy with the ice-cold eyes.
But I still found him.
It's been at least 2 years since I've seen the guy who once broke me.
I seen his mom the other day,
she stopped and told me how she never forgot me,
and that she accidentally calls other girls me all the time.
She also told me that he is getting married soon.
Years ago,
I would've said something like "I feel sorry for that girl"
or maybe "Tell him I said I wish him the worst, okay?"
But I politely smiled,
said to send my best to them,
and told her that I had to hurry home to my fiance.
That's when I realized something.
Although I break down sometimes,
and I have moments where I wish I could just scream in his face,
and punch him,
and hurt him as bad as he hurt me...
at the end of the day I remember,
he has no control over me anymore.
I am free from him.
I may never see his face again,
and I am okay with that.
Yes.
He did break me.
But because I was once broken,
I found out I was strong enough to heal.
I realized that I am not weak like he had me believing I was.
I am strong.
I have value.
And I will never have to feel the pain he put me through again.
Sep 28, 2016
Sep 28, 2016 at 1:07 AM UTC
I remember
His voice
So loud and enraged and full of contempt
I remember the hand
And the resounding noise it makes
I remember the flash, and the sting on the side of my face
I remember the burn behind my eyes
I remember the blur
I remember that single stray tear
And then the others
Streaming down my face in rivulets
I remember trying to contain myself
Trying to keep it all in
Don’t make a sound
Don’t
But I did
And I remember the shouting
And then the calm
His voice, so full of disappointment
And I remember thinking
Could anything be worse than this
I remember he left
I remember my feet moving down the hallway
I remember closing the door and covering my mouth
I remember the choked sobs that racked through my body
I remember my breathing, so ragged and out of control
It took hours for me to calm down
And I remember looking at myself afterwards
I remember my bloodshot eyes and tangled hair
I remember that feeling
Of being alone
Of having not fulfilled
Of being unwanted
And whenever I remember
I feel it again
Aug 31, 2016
Aug 31, 2016 at 3:46 AM UTC
The quill
Has become the blade
Slashing my emotion
With words written
Blood spills
On the canvas
Painting the portrait of misery
Every drop of heartache
Bring out
The painful image
And I swallow my pride
Showing vulnerability
In this piece of sorrow
When I keep slaying
My conscience
With the motion of this ink
Weakness shown
Teary eyes
As I **** myself
In this agonizing poem
Crafted by me
-Jess
Aug 23, 2016
Aug 23, 2016 at 7:26 AM UTC
I was ready to jump into
The abyss with you,
But you didn't like the dark.
I guess you couldn't fall for
Something you could only
See the end of.
I'm hoping I wasn't
Just another laboratory
Sample to you;
giving you the chance to
Analyze everything we could
Have been without actually
Living it for yourself.
I planned on going to infinity & beyond with you, only
To find out I was your gravity.
There were places you were
Meant to be without me.
I wish you told me you couldn't
swim through my tidal waves,
Or let you fight my current.
I'm sorry my packaging mislead
You into believing you wanted me.
I'm sorry you cannot have your
Wasted time back.
Next time, I will be half of who I am,
And maybe then
you will love me.
Aug 22, 2016
Aug 22, 2016 at 8:43 PM UTC
I love the costume you wear
Discounted and undervalued
But I see it for its true colors
It's a method, a mood, a mystery
How after so much pain
You're still here somehow, and smiling.
I love the costume you wear
Ocean blue sadness
Veiled by the violet warmth of your acceptance
Indescribably beautiful melancholy
Like the sunrise I watched today
The night wistfully accepting the inevitable morning
Knowing that midnight's velvet comfort will once again return.
I love the costume you wear
But I wish you wouldn't hide your true colors within
Its fierce red curtained folds
Or behind those miserably memorized monologues that just don't ring true
It's like you've got stage fright but
The stage is yourself.
I love the costume you wear
But come with me
And let's dance until the pain glows like the sun and becomes beautiful
Until the moon lights your way and you are no longer afraid
Until the wind takes your hand and you can release the curtain and let go
Until you can drop the script and let your words fly like birds, of their own accord
And until you can embrace the world
With only your heart, your smile, and yourself
And dance beyond it all, freely.
Aug 21, 2016
Aug 21, 2016 at 6:34 PM UTC
From the depths of my sister's eyes
I found castles built upon hills that would never be touched by the sun.
Here her fortress of human,
Cascading light outward,
Wrote symphonies of melancholy
Until every paradox played pity poetry.
She would not speak a word,
Yet arms enclosed around her,
"I’m sorry" I said.
Tears would hang onto the precipice of her eyelashes
Begging, “Please don’t let them know
That my ice, cold heart melts.”
Dormitories of lost carriages and open wounds
Like silver plattered i love you’s that would
Just get sent back to the kitchen.
It wasn’t what they ordered.
No, they wanted your confidence on a skillet,
A tall glass of Abuse Me,
With your insecurities on the side.
Now see that’s what indulges them.
Little sister, do not break as they turn your immobiles.
You diamond of strength,
With pure crystal lungs
And steal volt of a rib cage.
Do not let his laser hands touch you.
If he says he wants the light on,
Tell him about your moonlight smile.
If he says he wants to see you naked,
Tell him about your December in the psychiatric hospital.
You are not like the other mountains,
Your Everest avalanches into the ocean.
High tide with erratic currents washing up all the debris lost at sea.
Do not struggle its pull,
Or attempt to hinder its rise.
For all you’ll find is
Yourself,
Crushed under the formidable waves.
There is no rest for the wicked,
The rage does not wither with sunset
Nor wince come dawn.
Though you wish your waters would reach
The mouth of your volcano,
The high will not last the journey.
Somewhere in the foliage you will find yourself
Subsided,
In a battle field,
Unarmed.
Desolate.
Dead rose bushes will look like home
And you will fall asleep
Tangled in the thorns
But the cuts won’t hurt as much as that
Two headed dragon
That’s been trying to blow out the birthday candles inside you,
Not realising that he’s left
Every last piece of you in ashes.
But the candle continues to burn.
The sun won’t shine here.
Neither will you.
You will stare into rivers wishing the reflection would change.
You will try finding vines on trees strong enough to hang from, but pretty enough to still look like a necklace around your neck.
At these times, little sister
Remember:
You are more than skin on bones
You are midnight cast shadows
To the nocturnal.
You are laughter like orchestra,
Like finger’s on cello,
You are strings,
That will shiver and shake,
But never, not ever
Break.
You are eyes like Van Gogh’s finished canvas.
You are not the store bought version of beautiful,
You are the definition.
You are not an extra 5 cents.
You are the change that will make a difference.
You are the earth’s 8th wonder.
You are bombarded significance
You are.
You are.
You are.
So don’t ever give up.
Aug 16, 2016
Aug 16, 2016 at 8:30 AM UTC
I can feel you looking down at me
Because I dreamed of being a mother as a kid
But why should I change my past, so you’ll be satisfied
That I’m just as tough and handsome as you?
I don’t care, I know I’m not a stud
And I was never truly jealous anyway
As long as I ignore my thighs and pretend my pecs aren’t there
I can mentally punch you in the face.
When you smile it makes me turn away
You’re just too happy for me with your perfect, straight teeth
You’re too strong, way too strong for me
Your presence is overwhelming
Your hair is more messed up than my future
Your shirt is more torn than my self esteem
And don’t get me started on my height
Cos to me you’re taller than a ******* tree
And I can’t take (no I can’t take)
All this madness that I see
It’s taking away my individuality
When you smile it makes me turn away
You’re just too happy for me with your perfect, straight teeth
You’re too strong, way too strong for me
Your presence is overwhelming
If you’re the sun (whisper) I’d rather be in darkness
If you’re my heart, I’d rather tear you out
Cos I’m not perfect and I’d rather never be
I’d rather be a girl but still be me
When you smile it makes me turn away
You’re just too happy for me with your perfect, straight teeth
You’re too strong, way too strong for me
Your presence is overwhelming
So go flexing all you want, I’m not obsessed with you anymore
Mr Perfect, you’re more like Mr Weak.
15th August 2016
Aug 15, 2016
Aug 15, 2016 at 12:55 AM UTC