I know what it's like to have everything
I know what it's like to feel stalemate
I hold the sky in one hand
And stop it crashing with the other.
Pulling together is easy in theory
When deadweights don't counteract
I'm staked on everything
And at what price?
I'm not a god
But gods reconcile with me
And the burden of humanity
Is too heavy for my shoulders.
I am just a being
Inhabiting a body of man
I have euphoria from my surroundings
But it is short lived.
But then again
I have learned from man
That nothing lasts forever
And I won't live to see it.
So I hold this head high
Knowing I'll be gone in style
But until then I am just being
Someone who understands, yet doesn't.
14th August 2018
Aug 24, 2018
Aug 24, 2018 at 11:52 AM UTC
Soft skin
Addictive smile
She slips through
Easy to let go.
I struggled on
Missing her scent
Girlish twinkle
In every mirror.
Left me hanging
Just a memory
With her hair in my face
And her hands in the sky.
Why do I try
When all I do is breathe
And see a shadow over me
Why do I cry
When there's nothing
She's the shadow over me.
You provided shelter
Without a shoulder
I lived through that
To see your face.
Now I look ahead
Holding hands
Feeling your presence
But I'm alone.
12th July 2018
Jul 13, 2018
Jul 13, 2018 at 7:06 AM UTC
I am the most reserved of my fae folk
Time accompanies my many youthful wanderings
Tending to the blooms scattered over misty hills
Overshadowed by my protective, brotherly trees.
I’m walking through the lane that divides them
Surrounding my aura on all sides
I let the sun filter through vibrant leaves
As I touch them with the sombre kiss of rain.
My wings glint gossamer in dewy threads
And my skirt skips a beat in the afternoon breeze.
My hair floats around my head like a veil
As I leap to fly yonder over reminiscent childhood fields.
My essence dances amongst the clouds
It is my truest, constant loving friend
I breathe every carefree day with the promise
That it will taint every flower a more brilliant hue.
My eyes witness a lingering, enticing sunset
I’m free to follow its enchantment until I reach my home
And as I close the willow door behind me
I draw the blinds and settle into the embrace of slumber.
23rd May 2017
May 23, 2018
May 23, 2018 at 11:23 PM UTC
I’m grounded by your hands on me
And when your voice speaks to me
But if you’ve been away from me
I traipse away too easily.
Please don’t take it badly
My distance doesn’t mean you failed me
Regardless of good or bad things,
I find stability in self-retreating.
My body feels the wind in the trees
My soul feels the restlessness in my core
My mind is a wandering landscape of nothing
That matters to anyone but me.
I see you reaching out to me
I see you trying to touch me
And I feel you shrink away when I don’t respond.
I’m sorry I drift away, but I can’t stay.
My head is lighter than the clouds
My feelings are your only constant presence
I’m someplace else, and I’ll be a while.
My body feels the wind in the trees
My soul feels the restlessness in my core
My mind is a wandering landscape of nothing
That matters to anyone but me.
There’s no point in denying
My wings have caught air, and I’m flying elsewhere.
You’re better off reaching me
When your eyes look back and see me.
Ideas are too real to let go
And I blizzard them blindly like snow
And I don’t miss you when I’m caught
In the independent world of the unknown.
25th March 2018
Apr 25, 2018
Apr 25, 2018 at 8:18 AM UTC
My mind has a love affair
With a constant force of nature.
Her love grew on me like wild ivy;
Our memories deepened tremendously.
I feel the ocean breeze around my feet
And running her fingers through my hair.
I feel her kiss me, and take away my longing
When my lover’s not here.
I travel back to my sandy toed days
And turn my face to the sun.
I’m surrounded by many entities
And I stay til the sun is gone.
The sea is a great comforter to me
Known by many names, but always amazing.
Her mind is full of rips and curls
Her body holds countless creatures below.
I can almost reach out to her
The one I fell for like no other
I sometimes wonder with shallow breaths
If I’d love to breathe easily in her depths.
The saltiness of her breath
Reminds me of my lover’s touch.
If no other being is besotted by me
I’d give myself to her willingly.
2nd April 2018
Apr 21, 2018
Apr 21, 2018 at 3:23 AM UTC
I woke one early morning
To find the flowers in the garden bed
Singing a gloomy song.
I bowed my head with theirs
And I sang my own words.
'Come back to me
Daisy who used to smile
Poppy who joyfully beamed
Rose who trusted me.'
They all sang back to me
'Weeder who used to protect
Child who used to admire
Water who used to sustain
Why have you left us?'
Their faces started to show
Girl with pale eyes and skin
Boy with sunken thighs and limbs
One with jagged wounds, and thin.
The girl shook as she looked
The boy barely stood
One cowered under their hood.
I smiled as best I could.
But they didn't smile back
All frowned and glowered
Or wept, or sulked
Like ice cold showers.
I touched the girl's face
It started to crumble
The boy screamed,
One fainted.
I backed away slowly
As they started fading
The sky darkened, and
Dawn indeed began...breaking.
17th February 2018
Mar 11, 2018
Mar 11, 2018 at 12:13 AM UTC
Didn't want you to go
You wouldn't take no
I reasoned and wept
But you were too spent.
As His blade danced
You were entranced
Didn't see your last stand
But you took His hand.
Death kissed your face
But He won't wipe away your tears.
So pale and cold
So young and old
I'm not sure I see you anymore.
I know what it means to be gone.
One spark in one heart
But yours will never start.
Many laughs at bad jokes
Now silence muffles what you spoke.
If I saw your pain
I wouldn't refrain
From getting closer to you.
But Death beat me to you.
But no point in regret
I need to forget
The flaws I found irritating,
Nothing is worse
Than this curse
Of part of my life being missing.
Death kissed your face
But I always wiped away your tears.
So pale and cold
So young and old
I get what it's like to be gone.
I never want to be gone
I understand what it means
To be gone.
3rd December 2017
Dec 3, 2017
Dec 3, 2017 at 7:25 PM UTC
I wrap my fingers around the stem, and pick a flower
I crush it in the palm of my hand
And as I bring my palm up to my nose
I still don’t understand
Why death brings sorrow and happiness
Why no one cares
Until the candle of life is snuffed out
And never seen again?
I kick a rock along the road, and it scuttles into a ditch
My back and head hurt
From trying to process why
We’d kick someone till they quit.
I still don’t understand
Why we’re all so dissonant
We think it’s normal and acceptable
To mock or fake innocence.
I kiss someone’s neck, and they moan
I feel self-conscious
When some stare or even comment
On that person and I’s business.
I still don’t understand
Why pleasure is considered a luxury
I thought we all deserved
To feel relaxed and happy.
I walk alone at night, and I’m not scared
I keep that to myself
Because I’m expected to cower in terror
If I bump into someone else.
I still don’t understand
Why I’m expected to be afraid
Of walking whenever I want to
Cos men do that every day.
I put on a flattering outfit, I smile at the mirror
I sneak out the door
Cos if I’m around the wrong people
I get labelled as a *****
I still don’t understand
Why I can’t be sexually free
When men are often like that
They’re ‘behaving normally.’
Sometimes I don’t understand anything, about anything
I’m often left confused
By the everyday events around me
I often feel spent and used.
I still don’t understand
Why this world won’t accommodate me
Instead it’s tirelessly tried
To force me into conformity.
4th November 2017
Nov 3, 2017
Nov 3, 2017 at 10:20 AM UTC
I walked a lone, secluded path
It began to storm
I huddled and waited for the roar to pass
Since the day I was born.
I listened for the rain
It screamed angry words
It tore at my clothes and
Beat me with hurt.
I saw a girl standing
Leaning against a tree
I was awed by her calmness
And who she might be.
I approached her
Rather timidly
Because she was steadfast
And I was unsteady.
She saw me looking
And her eyes beckoned me
So I dashed through the rain
Rather oafishly.
'The rhythm is soothing'
She remarked nonchalantly
I watched her lips move
And stood listening.
‘What brings you here?’
She asked me.
I told her my life story;
She warmly embraced me.
I wanted to kiss her
But I was too shy
My plans had so suddenly
Went awry.
Fleetingly, the rain ceased.
After four heartbeats
She kissed me adieu.
27th October 2017
Oct 28, 2017
Oct 28, 2017 at 5:47 AM UTC
I hate being maternal
I hate being fearful
I hate being traumatised
I hate being quiet.
I hate my attraction to men
Because it makes me fearful
That I’ll have kids
And they’ll be neglected, empty and loveless.
I hate being anxious
I hate losing control
I hate my upbringing.
If it weren’t for the confusion
And the belting and the yelling
I wouldn’t be scared.
I hate my attraction to men
Because it made me fearful
I was told that they’re rapists
And they’d take advantage of me.
I hate being weak
I hate being gendered
I hate looking and feeling small.
I wish I was only attracted to women
Because I’d be less fearful
I wouldn’t worry about having kids.
I hate feeling inadequate
I hate feeling like a machine
I hate feeling weak.
I wish conversion therapy worked
Because I hate being attracted
To any man who might hurt me
Or force me to have kids
Or force me to be his slave
Or refuse to accept who I am.
I hate being viewed as a woman
I hate when I try to express affection
Women laugh at it, and men take it the wrong way.
I hate being invalidated
As a non-binary person
Who doesn’t want to cause anyone pain.
I hate ****** attraction towards men
Because if it weren’t for self-control
I’d dig my own grave
And possibly that of unwarranted children.
I hate being an unhappy child
Because if I was raised lovingly
I wouldn’t be anxious
I wouldn’t be cursing my sexuality
For including men
Because I wouldn’t be scared
Of having kids
Cos I’d know I would raise them
The happy way I was raised.
If I was raised lovingly,
I know I’d raise kids that way too
And they wouldn’t suffer
They wouldn’t blame me
And the cycle of raising kids lovingly
Would be passed on throughout generations.
Tell me I’m exaggerating
But my dad swore
He wouldn’t raise me
The way his father raised him.
But I was terrorized
By his beltings
Just like the ones
His father gave him.
So I hope you understand
Why I hate part of my sexuality
And why for the good of others
I don’t want kids.
I want to stop this cycle
Of fear, pain and suffering
Even if it ends me.
Even if no-one remembers me.
It’s good for my conscience
To say this right here and now
I hate being scared
And I’d hate for anyone
To be afraid of me.
11th October 2017
Oct 11, 2017
Oct 11, 2017 at 6:09 AM UTC