#postpartum
stumbling into the main hall
in my stained hospital gown,
my feet covered by those socks
with the grips, my ******* swollen
beyond measure, rock hard for lack
of expression. Eyes that saw me
but didn't question me. My growing
panic when I missed turning in
yet another food option card. Three
missed meals when my body needed
the nourishment more than ever.
The pills they prescribed to placate.
The kindly old man, his lip tremors
and teeth stained yellow, who freely
extended his friendship, who called me comrade. My exhaustion,
my deprivation of sleep and food. Of my right mind. The way I laid my head on the lunch table, asking my new friend if he could watch over me
as I slept, nightmares and demons
finally staved for some indeterminate
amount of time. How everyone there
let me call my mom over and over again, on the precious shared
hall phone. The way I was starved, thinking I would die there. The little card I drew, artwork at its finest, not knowing what reality was anymore.
How I recalled my own father being in a similar mental institution after his own suicide attempt. How he was saved. How I was.
Jul 5, 2025
Jul 5, 2025 at 12:59 AM UTC
I come from the cracked sidewalks of Chi-town, stoops
where we sat baking in blistering sun, listening
for the bells of the bicycles, so bold & eager for change
we could plop on the counter of the corner store.
In the constant drone of the deli, Italian grandpas
convened in their drab plaid, pressed khakis — coursing
the quiet confidence that comes from living that life
in the fast lane, simmering to a peace that permeates
each measured step. The bowls of minestrone soup
to warm their old bones: dead dreams reigniting.
I come from the family that never had anything
to own — but still didn’t allow me to go hungry.
I come from a steaming plate of sizzling
homemade dumplings, each juicy morsel
containing a mother’s fierce love for family.
I come from a long line of trauma responses
and the healing that only comes from truly creating.
I come from a great-grandmother, a grandmother,
a mother that poured out even when the jagged pieces
cut up our throats coming up. I come from having
lost my entire mind, frenzied forces pushing
my body up against a cold psych wall, no escape
in sight for me. I come from the guilt I'd held
for far too long, for missing the entire first
month of my daughter's life on this earth
when I couldn't even take care of myself.
Somewhere in the midst of coming to the end
of myself, I found You. You had never left.
I came home, battered and so broken, and You
enveloped me in Your healing Light. Selah.
I’m walking in restoration, deep restoration,
a coursing river engorged with living water.
I finally allow myself to be fully immersed
in the wellspring that never runs dry. And there, fully
surrendered in the depths, I find that I can finally breathe.
Jul 4, 2025
Jul 4, 2025 at 6:22 PM UTC
~
*Maternal midnight
Metallic lakeside
Freon heart, fayence mind
Eyelids of iron ore
Influence feet into the water
Into an embargo bay
Clear and innocuous, innocuously blind
Hills like white elephants on a polar plateau
Mosquitos on her mouth
Drink the blood of encryption
Change the tone of her voice
They pass behind the blue vein
Become infinite particles of her*
~
Feb 20, 2025
Feb 20, 2025 at 9:53 AM UTC
It’s no secret, my want
for someone to take care of me
without their back to the wall
of a sunk cost fallacy
Don’t let me be a burden -
if you don’t want to, then quit
I miss the way you loved me
when you were mostly lying
Be alone with me again,
like when we were friends
and the benefits were worth it -
naked but not always *******
You’re never a burden
My identity is erased
It’s hard to love you or anyone
when I have nothing for myself
Jan 18, 2025
Jan 18, 2025 at 9:08 PM UTC
The joy of my baby right before me
But I can't seem to feel it.
Loving husband on my side
But I can't seem to see it.
Precious friends with a lifeline
But I can't seem to grasp it.
A mist has settled all around
I must find my way through it.
Jan 19, 2024
Jan 19, 2024 at 11:18 PM UTC
Throughout the process
My body takes a hit
I grip my thighs, look into my eyes
I don’t recognise it one bit
I grab my loose stomach and
Flinch at the tender touch
I run my fingers slowly through my hair
It’s too fragile for a brush
Milk soaked shirts and
Blood stained shorts
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve cried
Just by exploring my thoughts
They keep pestering me over and over
“How do you feel?
There are resources to make you feel okay”
I tell them “I ’m just trying to survive the day”
Throughout the process
My mind takes a hit
I grip onto my mind, my thoughts send shivers down my spine
I don’t recognise myself one bit
Jan 9, 2024
Jan 9, 2024 at 7:37 AM UTC
Monday Night..
After work and dinner
After providing space for big emotions (yours, your sisters and my own)
After working through the mess in my head,
Laundry,
Laundry needs to be done
But you are sleepy and need me to sleep
It's hard for me to be still, to not accomplish the tasks constantly laid out in front of me
but you need me to sleep
So I'll let the laundry sit, forgo the upteenth time I've walked through the house putting **** away today..
You need me to sleep, So I'll sit with you.
Aug 29, 2023
Aug 29, 2023 at 10:25 AM UTC
I have a beautiful boy
And a body I don’t recognise
I’m marked with lines like a map
That shows my journey
It was a one way trip
There is no going back
I have a beautiful boy
And a body I don’t recognise
That has gone through some resizing
But that’s hardly surprising
He needed the room to dance like he does
To grow and kick and move
I have a beautiful boy
And a body I don’t recognise
It’s aged and got tired
But that’s okay
I wouldn’t have it any other way
It’s worked very hard
to make those lashes
Those curls, that smile
That laugh
Nov 15, 2022
Nov 15, 2022 at 2:53 AM UTC
I'll always give my all for you.
I'll always protect you.
A wavering candle trying to stay lit.
Darkness trying to swallow me whole.
To set my smokey haze upon the room.
Even in the darkness I'd see you.
Even in the quiet I'll hear you.
Even in my deepest fears, I'll hold you.
I know not how to be a stone wall.
To keep all monsters out.
Aren't guardians supposed to?
To know the fear that those before must have faced,
Is heart sickening.
The fortress we thought we were sheltered in,
Was just a picket fence.
And now I stand.
Wood shaking in the wind.
Guarding.
I cry, I scream, I bellow into the storm.
You cannot have my little girl.
I will not let you.
Anxiety is mourning every possibilty.
I wear all black.
I walk in the sun, and see nothing but shade.
Jun 4, 2021
Jun 4, 2021 at 10:46 PM UTC
Your belly
Next to mine
Smooth and soft
It subtly moves
As I gently touch it
Caress it
With tender admiration
Innocent and sweet
I listen to them
Rejoice at the sight
Of it ever so slightly
flowing over the seam
My belly
Next to yours
I cringe, look away
Try to hide it
As it’s flawed
It’s Not flat,
Not nonexistent
I’m afraid
Of what they’ll say
Should they catch
A glimpse
Of its imperfections
Yet without mine
There’d be no yours
It’s my womb
That carried you
It gave you shelter
And protection
A space to ripen and prepare
It’s my belly
That gave life to you
And still I reprimand it
Demand that it be
What is expected
Feb 20, 2021
Feb 20, 2021 at 11:36 AM UTC
I have lost myself,
Have you seen my soul
Anywhere?
Am I in the darkness of night,
With the summer heat?
Am I in the the threads of fabric that
Get tossed in the wash?
Am I in the stretch marks on my skin
Evidence of what my body can do?
Am I in my own reflection,
Deep in the void in my eyes?
Will I feel warmth in my heart again?
Will I feel the flame of passion
Rise up in me again?
Will I ever be whole again?
m.e.
Aug 2, 2020
Aug 2, 2020 at 1:43 AM UTC
A lonely island, just him and me
His wails continue, just let me be.
I'm so tired, why doesn’t he care?
He is selfish, dependent, stripping me bare
Where is the bundle of joy I was promised?
My sanity and happiness constantly compromised
I sit and cry holding you tight
You grip my finger with all your might
I love you and hate you, so ashamed to say
The time ticks by slowly, day after day
This little blue pill, promises the world
To make everything better, to stop the unfurl
They call it post partum and promise it wont last
But it's been 16 weeks, I just want my mind back
And slowly but surely, things look brighter
He is waiting for me, because he is a fighter.
My bundle of joy, so loving and forgiving
Loves me unconditionally, relying on me to continue living
I'm sorry Theodore, but mommy is better
I've fought tooth and nail for you,
And so I give you this letter.
A promise that I will always be here, no matter the cost
I love you more than air, even when I'm lost.
I'll fight this disease to be the mom you deserve
Because you are the light of my life, you're love I preserve
So rest easy and stop growing little one
For mommy loves you, because you are my sun
I love you to the moon, and more than every star in the sky
You are my one and only, you are my special little guy.
Feb 7, 2020
Feb 7, 2020 at 4:53 AM UTC
Why is death so evil when
you
try
to
****
yourself?
people turn the other way pretend you didn’t speak those four words
Yet, when others die from other causes
they
cannot
talk enough of it?
Dec 19, 2019
Dec 19, 2019 at 3:44 PM UTC
The girl I once was,
Is gone.
The body I once had,
No more.
The understanding I once had,
Has grown.
The heart I once had,
Beats louder.
The skin I once had,
Is softer.
I am brand new,
In this old body.
When a baby is born,
So is a mother.
Sep 19, 2019
Sep 19, 2019 at 12:54 PM UTC
though you came out of me
you really came into me
and filled me up
with your innocent love
never did my emptiness
feel so full.
May 2, 2019
May 2, 2019 at 1:56 PM UTC
empty
like a cloud
tears raining down on the people around me
i am numb
like frost bitten hands
piled under snow
alone like bitter midnight winds
with their chilly embrace
hugging you deeply.
i sleep in a pile of leaves. my bones leave their imprint
but no one can tell i was ever there
my heart is the crinkled mess of leaves at the bottom of the pile
if i told you i wanted to die would you believe me
would you be able to forgive my selfishness?
Apr 20, 2019
Apr 20, 2019 at 11:19 PM UTC
After the birth,
this blue I feel,
I wear it like a robe
tied around me.
its edges hang beyond
floor length
Trailing behind and around me,
Laid out for your posterity.
I touch the still moist umbilical cord
spiral it,
leave it to dry.
I want to cry when I touch it
I am becoming me again, just me.
Now there is a you and a me
I look at you little one
your perfection
Delicate fingers and toes
Pink complexion, gentle hair
I know you are a miracle,
and I cry.
Your umbilicus fell off today.
Your belly button is your own now.
I witness you unfolding into this time,
limbs filling out into every new now,
My ****** expanded for you
And now it shrinks down everyday.
My ******* a river of milk flowing
To meet your hunger,
I hold you to my heart
And I love you,
Every breath,
Every finger,
Every toe
Every look and sound you make,
Every second-- I pour forth with love for you
How will our time
Be together
Will I listen well,
Will you show me well?--
You still see
the invisible umbilicuses
tracing back through every birth to
the original Mother
To the Great Oneness
Every you, and every me
Connected to the Source
To the Breath of Life
Now---- I can see this blue I wear
As the ocean around me
And I can feel the waves
washing me, washing me, washing me.
Jan 26, 2019
Jan 26, 2019 at 8:45 PM UTC
3:52 AM
Awake once again
Embracing his small, fragile frame against my own
Distracting my mind from the darkness
That worms it's way into dreams
Nov 2, 2018
Nov 2, 2018 at 7:09 AM UTC
She is calling for me,
She is calling for me,
The mother I wish I could be,
Her anger at the bar of her crib,
I should get up,
I need to get up,
She is calling me,
What day is it?
What day of the week?
I can’t remember,
I am so tired,
The cry’s,
She always cries,
Am I not good enough?
They say I have the baby blues,
Losing my mind is a funny thing,
I was so smart and ready,
I will get up,
I must get up,
Telling myself “I will try to be a better mom tomorrow”...
Nov 1, 2018
Nov 1, 2018 at 4:05 PM UTC
isn't it ironic
that a body
that was once
capable of
creating life
can also manage
to destroy it
Aug 29, 2017
Aug 29, 2017 at 6:31 PM UTC
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**PERINATAL POETICS:
Prelude to a post-nuptial pre-partum event**
What is meant
by this prenatal parental lament?
Can the Spare-a-Dime shaft
upgrade to paradigm shift
as buzzwords replace the new jargon?
If the new synthetic empathy
is merely the same old pathetic symphony,
should we put away the flow charts when the show starts
to prevent a casual view
of the visual cue?
I fear this will only occur
when fast-breeding Other
becomes breast-feeding mother
even if her man’s fertility
is eclipsed
by human futility.
Feb 17, 2017
Feb 17, 2017 at 5:32 PM UTC
Go to sleep, my love.
This ambulance is not for us.
Although, I suppose it could be,
following dark impulses.
Its sirens screaming of hell,
tearing pell-mell in a night
not tinged by blood –
no crime committed for want or violence,
only help arrived too late
to save us. It would go silent then,
as we have been silenced,
locked in a terrible tableau.
You, still, curled around my heart,
me having found for us oblivion.
Oct 8, 2016
Oct 8, 2016 at 7:13 AM UTC