#divorced
constant shouting
from you
and her
constantly
flood
my
head.
Dec 6, 2020
Dec 6, 2020 at 6:05 PM UTC
i’m currently writing this on tear stained paper
right next to my journal entries from a year ago.
first off i just want to say,
promises don’t last.
there’s something about being so close to the edge but knowing you’re not going to fall.
looking at my feet dangling off the end of a cliff..
i love it.
it’s so on edge
but also so secure
because unless an accident happened..
you’re not going to randomly just fall over.
you’ve sat your whole life since you were a baby.
you’re not going to randomly tip over
for example when you sit in a chair..
you trust yourself enough to eat at a table with confidence that you’re not going to just fall off of your chair..
yet we are so frightened by the idea of an edge
of pain
of the end
the end of what..us? you..? me..?
there is no end according to my town growing up, you live forever.
because of God..? right..?
we go on into heaven.
so even when we push the edge.. they shouldn’t fear right??
because they live on.??
lol where is God when you die?
idk
and i don’t think i want to know
because even though we truly have nothing to fear except the unknown
none of us trust ourselves enough
or dare ourselves to push the edge
to get that slight rush followed by the relief of:
“hmm that’s not so bad”
it’s so peaceful.
idk sometimes i feel like i’m just idling on the edge of a cliff and i just want to ******* gas it
he promised me in thirty years we’d be sitting on this rock and thinking about how amazing life is
ha and guess what?
he lied
life is ******
kinda wanna die right now
May 12, 2020
May 12, 2020 at 5:12 AM UTC
Stay in place don’t move a muscle
Wait for me and I’ll be back after the struggle
After some time.....
But I waited for longer then the next guy in line
I gave you space, and even grace
But you spat it back in my face
There was no judgment from what you needed
No condimination for a changing woman
I signed up for the change
I said I do to the new you forever and always
But you couldn’t recognize that, could you?
You couldn’t tell that I would go through Hell
For the woman I married?
After every struggle, after every tear through the years, I made a commitment to God to never give up and he provided, he filled my cup.
But the cup lays empty with no one to fill
When the relationship believed nothing could save this, nothing will........
Faith the mover of mountains
Hope the eyes to the blind
But on top of my faith mountain I stood with hope filled eyes, just waiting.
For months.......
But nothing changed
Days and nights fell off the earth as I kept Singing
Waiting
Longing
For something more in store
To restore me and her
But divorce came and went like paper in fire
The paper never stood a chance with that desire for destruction.........
I gave everything and became heartless ash
Pain filled molten hot black soot to my root
I waited, I cried, I tried.........
Oct 21, 2018
Oct 21, 2018 at 2:08 PM UTC
Still Running
She’s still running,
so when I offered her my home,
and a place to unpack,
she didn’t even stay long enough to hang her clothes,
I suppose,
we’ve all gotta find our way on our own,
I suppose,
not every place we lay our head is our home,
in a zone,
can’t answer my phone,
don’t know where it started,
or where it will end,
she said she wanted a friend,
someone she could feel comfortable,
but I betrayed her trust because I’m a Man in Lust,
so instead of a friend I touched her like her drunk uncle did,
I’m sick,
don’t go so far as to put anything in,
but I did cross a line,
when I got turned on and held her hand,
****
****
what happened to our plans,
****
what happened to a Happily Ever After end,
what ever happened to functional,
why do we have to all grow up so fckt up,
when well we find a place where we can heal,
who will help you me us we finally grow up,
I’m torn up,
and I know exactly how she feels,
because I was taken advantage of as a kid too,
and I know exactly how much she wants to heal,
but you can’t heal a wound,
if you don’t open it up,
and she’s still busy running from your pain,
and covering up her cuts,
and this is exactly why,
when I started to cry,
she began to get scared,
and decided to take flight,
because she thought I was becoming,
exact what she feared the most,
which is an unstable person,
that can not offer her solid support,
so she left,
without closure,
and I messaged her,
once I’d gained my composure,
I apologized for being so emotional,
and for not communicating with her clearly,
I wrote her I’d do anything to see her again,
I wrote her that I missed her very dearly,
she wrote back saying I could meet her at the airport,
to say goodbye,
but asked me not to ask her to come back,
because she wasn’t changing her mind,
I immediately agreed,
and asked her what time her flight was,
9:45 at LAX,
which was exactly when and where my flight was,
so we met at the airport,
and had a soul to soul,
you know the kind of conversation,
that simply can not be had over a telephone,
I apologized,
for not being the man then that I was now,
and told her,
if she came back I’d be willing to take that vow,
she smiled,
saying we’d only known each other a few days,
I smiled,
and replied when it comes to Infinite Love time doesn’t matter anyways,
we said our farewells,
and I watched her disappear up the stairs,
then I went to check in for my flight,
because I too had to get out of there,
and wouldn’t you know it,
in a twist of fate,
it turned out that my flight and her flight,
were departing from the same gate,
31A and 31B,
this must be destiny,
so there we were a with each other again,
just her and me,
and this is when she told me,
as the salty water began to appear in windows to her soul,
that when I’d called her to invite her to California,
she’d thought that she’d finally found a place where she could feel comfortable,
how she’d been in this cycle of meeting men that made her feel unstable,
and I knew she’d been in this cycle ever since her drunk uncle,
and I knew that even though I’d improved and could provide the stability she craved,
it was too late and she was gone gone away to probably repeat the same mistakes,
because she’s not going to get rid of the issue until the issue is faced,
and she’s not going to be able to face her issues if she keeps running away,
and I could have been the one to see her through be her truth and heal her too,
but instead I just lusted after her became emotionally unstable and pushed her away,
and that hurt me more than almost anything ever,
because I realized I’d betrayed her trust in the worst way,
I realized all she needed was a true friend and then maybe a lover,
not a lover that she didn’t love that couldn’t behave,
and then I watched her walk away,
for the 3rd time in as many of days,
and even though she walked,
we both knew what she was really doing was running away…
∆ LaLux ∆
Newest book is FREE here: www.scribd.com/document/367036005
May 22, 2018
May 22, 2018 at 7:33 PM UTC
(Explicit)
I couldn't tell you what it was...
Or what caused it...
I honestly hadn't thought about you much...
It was a first but it came in plenty.
It was like I forgot about you...
Even if only...
Briefly...
My theory is...
Yes, of course I have one...
In the wake of,
a recent devastation..
I was..
Quite vulnerable..
Teetering on hopelessness...
It was in the midst of all this,
That My,
Boss,
My Employer,
&
Friend,
Starts confiding in me for marital advice....
Seems harmless right??
I mean really...
Why the **** did I even care?
Why would these harmless insignificant things bring back so many memories.
I remember going home that evening...
Drinking wine on my little black sofa...
Looking out my window, as the rain began to sound against my window pane..
It was then, that I realized..
Something started stirring in me
...
I was missing you...
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why do familiar situations, have that pile of **** way of digging things up...
You've already buried ten feet deep?
I'm angry...
I'm ****** off at myself!
I don't want to miss a man who doesn't miss me.
Whose not thinking about me.
I don't want to feel the icy sting in my heart knowing he never loved me.
How he got away Scott free.
Without pain or agony...
I don't want there to be some piece of you I always love or a special place in my heart, where you'll always stay...
Because you don't ******* deserve it.
You never deserved me...
You never indured...
The pain and agony...
You don't know what it feels like, to be suffering.
Having to go through what it feels like when, your heart gets even a whiff of something that's tied to your memory..
I hate that my heart still entertains this **** because I wanna be rid of everything that has your memory tied to it.
May 19, 2018
May 19, 2018 at 2:56 AM UTC
Divorced from my mind,
it left me behind.
Divorced from my mind,
my thoughts can’t even be defined.
Divorced from my mind,
my love is declined.
Divorced from my mind,
I am so blind.
Divorced from my mind,
my body is fined.
Divorced from my mind,
all I can do is unwind.
Divorced from my mind,
poorly designed.
Divorced from my mind,
a disgrace to humankind.
Divorced from my mind,
so divorced that I just sit here and rhyme?
Apr 25, 2018
Apr 25, 2018 at 1:19 PM UTC
I miss the wind of them.
Those raspberry pancake
words.
The giggly syrup floods
in monster truck style.
The no's and the pouts,
the boxing bouts.
The random dinosaur
I love you,
from cookie filled smiles.
Sep 1, 2017
Sep 1, 2017 at 4:15 AM UTC
I've known you since I was seven,
We were both so far from heaven,
We didn't know,
We would grow.
Apart.
Abused, he was your light,
But he just wasn't right,
For you.
This is for you,
My ballad for you Bethany,
We became friends,
Our parents divorced,
Our life out of sorts,
This is how our lives are bound to go,
But i still can't let go,
You lived with us for three months,
Three months of pain,
Three months of healing,
Three months of me,
Stealing your razor blades,
Because blood doesn't stain sheets.
Not on my watch.
Nov 10, 2016
Nov 10, 2016 at 9:27 PM UTC
Hey hey,
I've changed
I'm not the same
No not the same
I still talk too much
About life and such
Things
But it was yesterday, no
Oh no, no no
My sister crying on the doorstep
As I left
Behind
Those familiar times
Familiar times
And I watched, expressionless,
As I left
As I left
So why do I feel this way?
Have I no sympathy?
No feelings, no tears,
Over the years
I refused to look back
Feet set upon my tracks
Feeling guilty and saddened
In my frozen wasteland
What does this mean?
Where is my heart?
Perhaps countless tears
Tore it apart
ripped wide open, left unspoken
Over the years
Reassurance allayed my fears
I knew I'd come back again
again
Knew it wasn't the end
No not the end, no
But still
Those tears,
She shed,
This hollow,
I dread
Like where did
It end
My emotion spent
I'm so cold, so cold!
So why do I feel this way?
Have I no sympathy?
No feelings, no tears,
Over the years
I refused to look back
Feet set upon my tracks
Feeling guilty and saddened
In my frozen wasteland
Frozen over, all snow and ice
Hiding in the shadows, as dark as night
Stars above this frozen wasteland
Where my heart shattered and solitude began
So thaw me out, be my fire
Return my heart, for I require
Those feelings I had, coz' I don't want to die
So please, oh please, please bring me to life
coz I don't wanna die
coz I don't wanna die
coz I don't wanna die
coz I don't wanna die
No not tonight!
So why do I feel this way?
why do I, feel this way
Have I no sympathy?
no sympathy
No feelings, no tears,
Over the years
over the years
I refused to look back
Feet set upon my tracks
Feeling guilty and saddened
In my frozen wasteland
With tears running down her face
And a hollow chest I leave this place
My frozen wasteland
May 3, 2016
May 3, 2016 at 11:04 PM UTC
you want into my life now?
after all these years,
what has changed?
is it to impress your new wife,
or to be the reason for the knife?
tell me again all the things i've done wrong .
the list must be long,
but what can i say?
i learned from the best.
tell me how i can't trust men,
but don't worry i can't after you.
you criticize my choices
even when yours weren't all that great.
you can't be absent for 15 years and act like you weren't .
but in the end it's ironic, really.
the one who tries to "protect" me
is the one i really need protection from.
Feb 24, 2015
Feb 24, 2015 at 1:35 AM UTC
Happy Father's Day
To the best father I could ask for,
My mother who played both roles
Since I was only six months old.
Who bravely stepped up to a man
Who had been making our lives hell
And for knowing when I needed
A mother more than a father.
Thank you for saving
All five of us from a life with a man
Who loved alcohol more than his kids
Who loved smokin cigs
More than a nice barbecue.
Who never bothered to be a part of our lives
When the going was rough because of him.
Thank you Mom, for always putting us first.
Your the best father I could have asked for.
Jun 16, 2014
Jun 16, 2014 at 3:28 AM UTC