We were scraped hands
we were exhaustion showing through;
we were messy hair after naps all to prove
we loved how we lived
and we lived how we loved
but then - we grew up
and minutes turned to seconds,
and weeks turned to days
and soon enough there we were
grown ups, in a daze.
time moving faster than it ever did before
every day, suddenly a bore.
thinking more from the core
don't know how we ever swore
this world would never turn us stone
turn into all the things we say we won't
waiting to see if the bad would outweigh hope.
never thought being a grown up would be tough,
then we grew up and we've had enough.
Jun 29, 2023
Jun 29, 2023 at 9:43 PM UTC
I've seen myself in the mirror
And it looks the same as always
But the feeling deep down under
Shows that the real me is far away
I've lived in the same skin forever
And it feels the same as always
But the look of it asunder
Shows that the real me is far away
I've breathed in the same way as always
And it's always been suffocating
But to outsiders it seems normal
Nothing but brooding too long on twilight
But in my soul I feel untamed
And in my skin I feel maimed
In my breath I feel strangled
My everything yearning for freedom
Freedom from this, far away from this
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 11:51 PM UTC
And so, she said
"There will be pain tonight,
an unbelievable amount of pain
that not even the stars know as they supernova,
that not even the earth knows
as it's land is torn in two by quakes,
that not even the sky knows
as it is ripped apart by lightening.
It is a pain that is unleashed from the very depths of the soul
and leaves the thinnest traces of its mark
on the exterior of the human body.
"It is a constant torrential downpour,
a constant tsunami of grief;
it is a pain that will be known
by the most fearsome of men.
It is a wrath that lashes its victims,
leaving nothing in its remains."
Jul 16, 2018
Jul 16, 2018 at 10:29 PM UTC
Today I lie in bed
Wondering if there will come a day,
when I will no longer shudder at your glance,
when my skin will no longer crawl
just at the sight of you
of you looking at me
See, I have this fear
that my skin
will always be soiled by your touch
that my lips
will always burn from your kiss
that my heart
will always hurt from your love
that my mind
will be always scarred from your words
See, I have this fear
that my next love will love me how you did
that my next love will hurt me how you did
that my next love will abuse me emotionally and verbally
how you did
how you made me lesser
how you took from me
and gave nothing in return
See, I have this fear.
But lately as I lay in my bed
I've begun to realize that one day
my skin will be fresh and new
and it will be skin you have never touched
that my lips will have peeled
and they will be lips you have never kissed
that my heart will have replaced the broken pieces
and it will never have been loved by you
See, I have this dream.
That one day I will be loved by a man
Who never thought of me
how you thought of me
Who will love me
how you never loved me
Who will kiss me
how you never kissed me
And that recovery will make me
A person you will have never known.
Apr 22, 2017
Apr 22, 2017 at 9:59 PM UTC
Don't you dare act like what you did
is why I'm where I'm at today.
Don't you dare act like your decision to leave
is why I found somebody better.
It was my decisions,
my choices,
my hard work,
that got me here.
I'm the one who pulled myself back up
after you left.
I'm the one who wiped away the tears
that you caused.
I'm the one who laced up my boots
and got myself back into action.
If it hadn't been for ME,
I would be where you left me
and not where I'm at today.
Don't you dare think you were more
than just a stop along the way.
Mar 7, 2017
Mar 7, 2017 at 6:19 PM UTC
"What do you do with the anger?"
pause
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I mean, what do you do with the anger?"
pause
I never thought about it that way. The anger that builds up fuel inside of us, the everlasting flame, what do we do with it? What do we do with the inextinguishable flame? This flame that burns inside of us from the day we are born until the day we pass, this flame that burns all in its path - what do we do with it?
"I don't know," I respond. "I never realized just how much it effects my life."
"Find something to do with it. Find somewhere to channel it. Find something to control it - or let go of it. Let the fire burn out. Anger is not a fire that keeps you warm, it is a fire that consumes you. It will consume you if you let it. Be free of it," he said. "Let it go and never look back."
Feb 26, 2017
Feb 26, 2017 at 10:17 PM UTC
I don't quite know how to start off this letter, as I don't really know how to start to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to somebody you've loved your whole life? How do you say words you never thought you'd have to say?
Never in a million years did I think that this is how you would go, that this is how you would be taken from us. If you had caught me back when I was 15 and asked if I thought that my beloved aunt who had devoted her life and soul to the lord would be fighting cancer, I'd tell you it could never happen.
But, I learned very quickly that cancer does not discriminate. Cancer will take whomever it chooses, despite the amount of prayers, love, and hope we send out into the abyss.
I still remember the day I found out. The night before, everyone was gathering at grams for an extremely rare occasion - a visit from you. It was exciting and terrifying when I heard the news that you were coming down from the Monastery and staying the weekend, as typically Nuns are not allowed to leave the Monastery for any general reason, let alone for leisure. At the time you were coming down my cousin and I were not speaking, though I can barely remember why now. That night while I was working and you spent your first night home with your parents in very many years, I received a text from my cousin that read "Hey, when you talk to Aunt Sally tomorrow, text me. I know we're not on the best of terms but just text me, okay?" So then the worry became more prominent and it seemed as though I was being terrorized that night as I dreamed. The next day I went to my grams, and soon enough the world was crumbling around me. I was not prepared in the slightest to hear what I was about to hear, for nothing in this world can prepare you for the news that cancer has riddled it's way into your loved one. No one and nothing can prepare you for the news that the cancer isn't just at its beginning stages, but that its just nearing its end. That, from the moment the cancer formed in your body until the moment you noticed an abnormality and went for a doctor's visit, you had not even the slightest clue that cancer was taking over your body. I thank the Lord that your disease was, for the majority of the time before this past year and some, painless. I thank the Lord that we were lucky enough to have so much more time with you than what was originally thought. I thank the Lord for the many blessings already bestowed upon my family; for my amazing nephew and niece, for the wonderfully supportive family we are, and so much more.
But now, with each and every passing day, I wake up knowing full well that the time span of two weeks to two months left for you is only a number, that this means nothing. The Lord will take you when he pleases, and no amount of prayers to Him, to Mary, to Joseph, to the Seven Martyrs, or to any Saint, will change the Lord's mind.
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:40 PM UTC
All your lies and all your pain
following dreams you'll only break
on this road for way too long
But when it's said and done
there really was no way we could have won
the cracked glass shatters to the floor
reminding me that life always gives a cure
All you know is home
with a heart that doesn't want to be alone
with a heart that doesn't want to lose it's song
But when it's said and done
there really was no way we could have won
the cracked glass shatters to the floor
reminding me that life always gives a cure
And I know you had to go
Had to get yourself back home
But when it's said and done
there really was no way we could have won
the cracked glass shatters to the floor
reminding me that life always gives a cure
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:33 PM UTC
there were words I couldn't speak,
words I couldn't see,
feelings I couldn't find,
feelings I couldn't hide.
The day you said you loved me,
the day you walked away,
the day you said I'd come to find
no one else could make me feel this way.
I believed every word you said.
I believed you now and I believed you then.
The difference between us, is you still left.
I stayed, for two years
and when you finally said you loved me
I saw all my dreams becoming true.
Then I saw her. She just showed up.
The only person besides me you kept in your life.
So for months I let the torment work its way through my body
until I was simply rotting.
Every time I tried to explain the hurt that bounced around inside
all I managed to do was start a fight.
But I loved you, and I love you,
and I tried my very best,
until one day my insides tore, and I was now an external mess.
As my insides poured out into all the wrong places,
I felt the burning sting of pain beneath my sleeve.
The wounds reopened, as I was closing.
My arms were cut to bleed.
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:33 PM UTC
i remember when you would beg me to read to you
in the early hours of the morning
when conversation had kept us awake
i could tell you were smiling by the sound of your exhales
although my eyes never moved from the words on the page before me.
we would make love
until you were too tired to finish a whispered 'goodnight'
i would follow you into dreams
my last and first thoughts always of happiness
this was a long time ago
before i left you, before you left me
that's the thing with love;
it changes
it begins like a fire
embers and smoke
until it's Winter
you're alone
and the smell of ash is making you remember
everything you wish you could forget
Nov 13, 2014
Nov 13, 2014 at 12:52 PM UTC