quiet-pointe - Hello Poetry

i always found it funny how waves crash on the surface of water - chopping up the glassy surface into thousands of pieces, the closer you get to the bottom the quieter it gets there are no splashes when you’re completely submerged at the bottom - watching the rippling water and for once, everything is quiet. but you can’t inhale under water- so your time there is limited. you have to go back to the surface you have to gasp for air - you have to continue living in the real world with the chaos of the harsh crashing waves and i can’t quite shake the feeling that i feel most at home laying in the bottom of the swimming pool. life finally starts to make sense - when you’re watching the world from below the surface.

0

Oct 12, 2021

Oct 12, 2021 at 3:59 AM UTC

quiet-pointe

have you ever felt at home at the bottom of a swimming pool?

i always found it funny how waves crash on the surface of water - chopping up the glassy surface into thousands of pieces, the closer you get to the bottom the quieter it gets there are no splashes when you’re completely submerged at the bottom - watching the rippling water and for once, everything is quiet. but you can’t inhale under water- so your time there is limited. you have to go back to the surface you have to gasp for air - you have to continue living in the real world with the chaos of the harsh crashing waves and i can’t quite shake the feeling that i feel most at home laying in the bottom of the swimming pool. life finally starts to make sense - when you’re watching the world from below the surface.

17

6 years old loves barbies plays outside learning to ride a bike shes getting taller 9 years old loves chapstick flavors walks outside rides her bike everywhere she is the tallest in her class 14 years old loves mascara runs outside to burn off the cupcake bike sits alone she is the biggest in her class 16 years old loves black runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing she is shrinking 18 years old loves loneliness runs and runs and runs from herself she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home she is breaking slowly 20 years old loves skipping meals goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry 23 years old loves medicine and **** and alcohol goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it- but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways. people don't understand the process of self destruction it started a long time ago and it will never end until she does.

0

Oct 12, 2021

Oct 12, 2021 at 2:10 AM UTC

quiet-pointe

growing up

6 years old loves barbies plays outside learning to ride a bike shes getting taller 9 years old loves chapstick flavors walks outside rides her bike everywhere she is the tallest in her class 14 years old loves mascara runs outside to burn off the cupcake bike sits alone she is the biggest in her class 16 years old loves black runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing she is shrinking 18 years old loves loneliness runs and runs and runs from herself she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home she is breaking slowly 20 years old loves skipping meals goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry 23 years old loves medicine and **** and alcohol goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it- but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways. people don't understand the process of self destruction it started a long time ago and it will never end until she does.

44

i’m starting to dread living again waking up everyday.. wishing i hadn’t. i wish i didn’t have depression. i wish i didn’t want a break from living. i wish i could get over my head. i have so much potential that is wasted because i’m insecure and can’t convince myself that i can accomplish anything. living to me is so inconvenient. i don’t want it. i’ve grown accustomed to my head learned to function with hating myself but i just don’t want to do it anymore. maybe i just need more meds to numb it so i can blindly glide through life like everyone else who never have to feel this **** i don’t even know what this **** is.. it’s sad. and hopeless. and exhausting. and honestly i’m done. i have been done. but i have to keep going. and it absolutely *****

0

Sep 28, 2020

Sep 28, 2020 at 4:29 AM UTC

quiet-pointe

dreading living

i’m starting to dread living again waking up everyday.. wishing i hadn’t. i wish i didn’t have depression. i wish i didn’t want a break from living. i wish i could get over my head. i have so much potential that is wasted because i’m insecure and can’t convince myself that i can accomplish anything. living to me is so inconvenient. i don’t want it. i’ve grown accustomed to my head learned to function with hating myself but i just don’t want to do it anymore. maybe i just need more meds to numb it so i can blindly glide through life like everyone else who never have to feel this **** i don’t even know what this **** is.. it’s sad. and hopeless. and exhausting. and honestly i’m done. i have been done. but i have to keep going. and it absolutely *****

21

I’m really sad and I don’t know if it’s because of the world? or if it’s all the natural disasters? or if it’s just my head? or if it’s because of this pandemic? or if my meds are off? or if it’s because they keep canceling everything that keeps me motivated to stay alive? I don’t know why I’m sad? I know one day I am going to look back and miss this part of my life.. yet I can’t enjoy it in the moment. so I live my life hating myself for being sad when I have so much to be happy about. then I get more depressed because I know I’m going to be sad in five years when I remember that I didn’t fully enjoy all of the good things in my life, because I was too busy hating myself for being so sad. I know I will look back and remember how my head was filled with dark storm clouds and the stupid forecast told me that those clouds are staying for awhile.. all this rain from the clouds tears from my eyes make it hard to see clearly. I can’t get this bad weather to clear up. I cry a lot. I’m just sad. I’m just really sad.

0

Jul 14, 2020

Jul 14, 2020 at 7:25 PM UTC

quiet-pointe

oof

I’m really sad and I don’t know if it’s because of the world? or if it’s all the natural disasters? or if it’s just my head? or if it’s because of this pandemic? or if my meds are off? or if it’s because they keep canceling everything that keeps me motivated to stay alive? I don’t know why I’m sad? I know one day I am going to look back and miss this part of my life.. yet I can’t enjoy it in the moment. so I live my life hating myself for being sad when I have so much to be happy about. then I get more depressed because I know I’m going to be sad in five years when I remember that I didn’t fully enjoy all of the good things in my life, because I was too busy hating myself for being so sad. I know I will look back and remember how my head was filled with dark storm clouds and the stupid forecast told me that those clouds are staying for awhile.. all this rain from the clouds tears from my eyes make it hard to see clearly. I can’t get this bad weather to clear up. I cry a lot. I’m just sad. I’m just really sad.

23

do you ever feel horribly misplaced..? or unsettled..? like you don’t belong here but not “here” as in location.. but “here” as in breathing/living..? I shouldn’t have been born tbh. I used to wish I was dead. but now I just wish I had never existed in the first place. growing up my parents always told me that I was a “surprise” but as I grew up I learned that “surprise” actually meant “mistake” they weren’t planning on another kid. but my mom forgot to take her birth control one day and then oops.. I came 9 months later. me and my brother are only 16 months apart. my mom had four kids in five years by the time she was 25. she was young she was tired. and I can’t help but think that maybe if she wasn’t so tired, from the three kids.. that she wouldn’t have left her birth control pill untaken that day. and then maybe, just maybe.. I wouldn’t be mistaken as a surprise when I was obviously a letdown. I just wouldn’t exist at all.

0

Jul 14, 2020

Jul 14, 2020 at 7:18 PM UTC

quiet-pointe

mistaken or untaken;

do you ever feel horribly misplaced..? or unsettled..? like you don’t belong here but not “here” as in location.. but “here” as in breathing/living..? I shouldn’t have been born tbh. I used to wish I was dead. but now I just wish I had never existed in the first place. growing up my parents always told me that I was a “surprise” but as I grew up I learned that “surprise” actually meant “mistake” they weren’t planning on another kid. but my mom forgot to take her birth control one day and then oops.. I came 9 months later. me and my brother are only 16 months apart. my mom had four kids in five years by the time she was 25. she was young she was tired. and I can’t help but think that maybe if she wasn’t so tired, from the three kids.. that she wouldn’t have left her birth control pill untaken that day. and then maybe, just maybe.. I wouldn’t be mistaken as a surprise when I was obviously a letdown. I just wouldn’t exist at all.

23

sometimes i think about being a kid again back when i played tag.. running away from my friends was fun. i remember how exciting it was to run fast. i always got an adrenaline rush running away. back when i would spin in circles over and over to feel dizzy and fall down, and after i fell i would lay in the scratchy grass and watch the sky because it was fun to see the world spin for a minute. it was new to see things spin that weren’t supposed to rotate. back when a swimsuit was just a swimsuit that my mom got for me at walmart, i didn’t care what it looked like because i just wanted to play at the pool or in the sprinklers or to wash the car with my siblings on a crispy summer morning (but the water always ended up being dumped on eachother rather than on the car) back when the only validation i needed to be happy was a thumbs up and an encouraging “good job shay may!” from my parents. because i’m pretty sure they knew everything when i was 5 years old. back when i heard the garage door and would run to give my parents the biggest hug because every hour they were gone felt like a week.. and now it’s different everything has something motivating it.. as we learn more, we hurt more we feel more and tbh it ***** because now i run to prevent a mental breakdown i run to burn calories i spin in circles not by choice, but because life is ****** and confusing and makes your head spin.. it’s not anything new i’ve grown accustomed to my mind losing balance and falling over and over.. the ceiling spinning in my room at 2:00am doesn’t bring the same joy as the blue sky did. now a swimsuit has to look flattering and not show my body too much because of course, i’m actually a piece of **** now i need validation from anyone willing to give it to me and also from the whole freaking internet and honestly it’s still not even enough. never will be now when i see my parents i walk up to them and hug them and say “hey how are you?” it’s boring it’s hard it’s ****** and i wish i was little when food was just food and when running didn’t include running away from myself

0

May 12, 2020

May 12, 2020 at 5:18 AM UTC

quiet-pointe

being a kid again :(

sometimes i think about being a kid again back when i played tag.. running away from my friends was fun. i remember how exciting it was to run fast. i always got an adrenaline rush running away. back when i would spin in circles over and over to feel dizzy and fall down, and after i fell i would lay in the scratchy grass and watch the sky because it was fun to see the world spin for a minute. it was new to see things spin that weren’t supposed to rotate. back when a swimsuit was just a swimsuit that my mom got for me at walmart, i didn’t care what it looked like because i just wanted to play at the pool or in the sprinklers or to wash the car with my siblings on a crispy summer morning (but the water always ended up being dumped on eachother rather than on the car) back when the only validation i needed to be happy was a thumbs up and an encouraging “good job shay may!” from my parents. because i’m pretty sure they knew everything when i was 5 years old. back when i heard the garage door and would run to give my parents the biggest hug because every hour they were gone felt like a week.. and now it’s different everything has something motivating it.. as we learn more, we hurt more we feel more and tbh it ***** because now i run to prevent a mental breakdown i run to burn calories i spin in circles not by choice, but because life is ****** and confusing and makes your head spin.. it’s not anything new i’ve grown accustomed to my mind losing balance and falling over and over.. the ceiling spinning in my room at 2:00am doesn’t bring the same joy as the blue sky did. now a swimsuit has to look flattering and not show my body too much because of course, i’m actually a piece of **** now i need validation from anyone willing to give it to me and also from the whole freaking internet and honestly it’s still not even enough. never will be now when i see my parents i walk up to them and hug them and say “hey how are you?” it’s boring it’s hard it’s ****** and i wish i was little when food was just food and when running didn’t include running away from myself

51

When I was 12 I was hiking with my family, we sat on the edge of a cliff at the top of a mountain, we were over looking the painted landscape I remember looking at our feet in the empty air and I asked my older sister: “do you ever just want to jump..?” She nodded and replied with: “yeah shay.. :) I always wished I could fly too..” and that is the first time.. that I realized that my head was different. Because while she was thinking of jumping to fly.. I was thinking of jumping to die.. and that’s when I started hiding my head lol followed by a life of hiding self destruction.

0

May 12, 2020

May 12, 2020 at 5:17 AM UTC

quiet-pointe

hiding self destruction

When I was 12 I was hiking with my family, we sat on the edge of a cliff at the top of a mountain, we were over looking the painted landscape I remember looking at our feet in the empty air and I asked my older sister: “do you ever just want to jump..?” She nodded and replied with: “yeah shay.. :) I always wished I could fly too..” and that is the first time.. that I realized that my head was different. Because while she was thinking of jumping to fly.. I was thinking of jumping to die.. and that’s when I started hiding my head lol followed by a life of hiding self destruction.

15

i’m currently writing this on tear stained paper right next to my journal entries from a year ago. first off i just want to say, promises don’t last. there’s something about being so close to the edge but knowing you’re not going to fall. looking at my feet dangling off the end of a cliff.. i love it. it’s so on edge but also so secure because unless an accident happened.. you’re not going to randomly just fall over. you’ve sat your whole life since you were a baby. you’re not going to randomly tip over for example when you sit in a chair.. you trust yourself enough to eat at a table with confidence that you’re not going to just fall off of your chair.. yet we are so frightened by the idea of an edge of pain of the end the end of what..us? you..? me..? there is no end according to my town growing up, you live forever. because of God..? right..? we go on into heaven. so even when we push the edge.. they shouldn’t fear right?? because they live on.?? lol where is God when you die? idk and i don’t think i want to know because even though we truly have nothing to fear except the unknown none of us trust ourselves enough or dare ourselves to push the edge to get that slight rush followed by the relief of: “hmm that’s not so bad” it’s so peaceful. idk sometimes i feel like i’m just idling on the edge of a cliff and i just want to ******* gas it he promised me in thirty years we’d be sitting on this rock and thinking about how amazing life is ha and guess what? he lied life is ****** kinda wanna die right now

0

May 12, 2020

May 12, 2020 at 5:12 AM UTC

quiet-pointe

Untitled

i’m currently writing this on tear stained paper right next to my journal entries from a year ago. first off i just want to say, promises don’t last. there’s something about being so close to the edge but knowing you’re not going to fall. looking at my feet dangling off the end of a cliff.. i love it. it’s so on edge but also so secure because unless an accident happened.. you’re not going to randomly just fall over. you’ve sat your whole life since you were a baby. you’re not going to randomly tip over for example when you sit in a chair.. you trust yourself enough to eat at a table with confidence that you’re not going to just fall off of your chair.. yet we are so frightened by the idea of an edge of pain of the end the end of what..us? you..? me..? there is no end according to my town growing up, you live forever. because of God..? right..? we go on into heaven. so even when we push the edge.. they shouldn’t fear right?? because they live on.?? lol where is God when you die? idk and i don’t think i want to know because even though we truly have nothing to fear except the unknown none of us trust ourselves enough or dare ourselves to push the edge to get that slight rush followed by the relief of: “hmm that’s not so bad” it’s so peaceful. idk sometimes i feel like i’m just idling on the edge of a cliff and i just want to ******* gas it he promised me in thirty years we’d be sitting on this rock and thinking about how amazing life is ha and guess what? he lied life is ****** kinda wanna die right now

39

“I remember her saying that she was really tired.. I asked her if I could do anything she nodded her head no with a slight smile and said: no I’m okay :) —— then I gave her a hug goodbye but I guess it really was bye that time because the next time I saw her she was in a casket..”

0

May 12, 2020

May 12, 2020 at 5:07 AM UTC

quiet-pointe

end

“I remember her saying that she was really tired.. I asked her if I could do anything she nodded her head no with a slight smile and said: no I’m okay :) —— then I gave her a hug goodbye but I guess it really was bye that time because the next time I saw her she was in a casket..”

12

FEB 2020 sometimes i think about all of the things that have happened and honestly it shouldn’t have happened this way this ******* up ****** up way i wasn’t supposed to be cheated on by guys i trusted i wasnt supposed to get divorced at 21 i wasn’t supposed to try to die 18 i wasn’t supposed to give up on myself at 16 but hey, it happened. and life seems to just happen right now everything is flying by. i seriously don’t know how or why i ended up here, i’m grateful for it but it’s insane how has it been so long.

0

Mar 17, 2020

Mar 17, 2020 at 3:00 AM UTC

quiet-pointe

happen

FEB 2020 sometimes i think about all of the things that have happened and honestly it shouldn’t have happened this way this ******* up ****** up way i wasn’t supposed to be cheated on by guys i trusted i wasnt supposed to get divorced at 21 i wasn’t supposed to try to die 18 i wasn’t supposed to give up on myself at 16 but hey, it happened. and life seems to just happen right now everything is flying by. i seriously don’t know how or why i ended up here, i’m grateful for it but it’s insane how has it been so long.

15