I left Iowa at 24.
Yes, the situationship.
Yes, the aerobics instructor.
Here are the highlights:

I became his secret,
No clue what I was signing up for.
The restraint, excitement, and chemistry of working up a good sweat was hot.
Learning to hold and wield a sword, how to move and protect my body.
Something my inner child needed.
We would talk for hours about everything and nothing.
A best friend to fall hard for.

The respect in class stayed and staled while outside of class turned into something else, slowly at first.
Trading lessons turned into excuses and went from fun to work.
It became this nameless thing full of disappointment and canceled plans.
A Jekyll & Hyde of something familiar and painful, something I didn't agree to.

Now there were rules to follow and eggshells to avoid.
Never a compliment,
Always a back handed warning.
Reminders to not be 'that' girl.
Whatever that means, she was me.
Being called masochistic instead of romantic.
The familiar pull of wanting to be good enough for someone else.
Not knowing the approval I was seeking was my own.

The excitement of class now heavy.
Pretending not to care only confused me more. My feelings were the problem, not his behavior.
Grabbing me by the throat on his birthday was an 'accident'.
Choking me out, a teaching moment gone wrong.
Consent is knowing what to expect, and he didn't need it.
The cuts and bruises were always heart shaped, surely that's a sign.
My disassociation telling me that meant something special right?

Childhood words ringing in my ears: 'No one will believe you, no one really cares. He's embarassed by you, just like everyone else.' Class was so formal and he was always SO nice. The looks from women in class echoing what business did I have with him?

My compartmentalizing faded fast when I realized I was in love with a monster.
I spent most of class in the bathroom gasping for air, convincing myself I wasn't hyperventilating.
The tightness in my chest would go away once I caught my breath, right?
Surely I'd proven my worth, not realizing I was drowning it.
I found the courage to share my feelings and waited, for, silence.

I tried going east again, no dice.
I thought about going west and pieces fell into place.
I had a plan.
I could finally leave.
I could actually breathe.
I left my apprenticeship.
Sold everything I couldn't take.
Said goodbye to my pets and the life I had been building.
On paper it looked good.
Yes, I was running for my life.
I slept on a friends' floor,
Saying goodbye to people I didn't want to leave, who wouldn't understand why.

In true form, the universe made sure I was sticking to the plan.
Nightmares of pregnancy.
Last minute love confessions from earnest hearts.
More silence.
New obstacles.
More traps.
I couldn't get out fast enough.
My heart wasn't the only thing breaking.