in the space between my ribs you planted a larkspur
you cracked the bones and wrenched the fragments apart
and you gave my heart a seed to grow

you were an invasive species
and i only wanted to see you flourish
had i known that you would smother me
and entomb me away from the sunlight that i love
i would have torn up your roots and cast them away
before they ever had the chance to suffocate mine

godspeed, you pretty thing
you lonely and disappointed boy
neverland spat you back out
when you wished for ripe 23 to stay
no more, no more, no more!
your chants echoed in the halls of your castle
the stone chambers where you cowered from fate
crumbling around you
but when the sky opened up above you
you took it into yourself
and you breathed the cool air into your lungs
and you drank the crisp rain into your stomach
and you smelled the scent of the distant future
and you hungered.

where are you now?
did the mountain wind howl in your ears
to convince you that life was more than
the space between a mattress and a blanket
or maybe the tides crashed a little too loudly
on the shore where you walk
and perhaps the water caressing your ankles
made you weep deeply
and throw yourself into the sea
into the ever changing and ever moving water
perhaps you realized a thing or two
and you saw your own blossoming potential
and you found what it meant to be proud
and you chased down your future
and you banished the fear of time from your heart

the door is off its hinges, your derelict castle is no more
gone are the days when you could not meet fate’s eye
today is the day you look destiny in the face
and you plant yourself where you stand
and you say
“i will have you as i like,
and you. you will obey.”

when he pressed his soft mouth upon yours
you were pliant, moving like the sea
back and forth and back and forth
bestowing unto him a kind of carnage
to smash apart his fear

you felt his sighing exhale upon your cheek
as he pressed on, far too eager
far too soft-headed
can you imagine?
a boy with lips like cherries
a boy who brushed his leg against yours
a boy who decided to be bold
a boy who decided you were worth the risk

you were so very eager to reward him for his courage
and it was so simple to slip your fingers between his knuckles
under the table where all the well dressed acquaintances sat
and it was so exhilarating to whisper to him
in secrecy, to so surreptitiously excuse yourself
and wait.

when the cherry-mouthed boy entered
and locked the door behind him
and descended upon you
you ran your palms up his stomach
and higher, and you felt his heart thundering in his chest

you kissed him like the starving boy that you were
displaying your hunger so nakedly
for every sigh, there was a kiss
for every kiss, a silent plea:

‘please, please, please,
don’t disappear.
i have been staring into the great maw of loneliness
and i don’t want to be swallowed back up again, not ever

‘may your heart’s beating be the tempo by which i live
and if you walk, let me walk alongside you

‘no matter how you live, let it be a life spent in mine.’

if rouge and tallow could tell secrets
if i could divine anything
from the iron oxide and wax that stains the sink basin
what would i learn?
if i could trace this pigment
back to your eyes
would i see it stream down your flushed cheeks
before you so viciously scrubbed it off last night?
would i see saltwater rivers
breaking through a coal-black dam
an ever-fragile monument crumbling for a boy
who will only ever offer his love to girls
no matter how you doll yourself up
no matter how lovely you may feel
in that billowing skirt that fits so nicely
over your soft and rolling stomach

my friend, your tears were not meant for the likes of him
your hands were not meant for the hands of that kind of boy
the boy that you are looking for
will not leave you weeping over the bathroom counter
shoulders trembling even as you feel silly for weeping at all
hands to your mouth to stifle the sounds of your despair
and your heartbreak
as if i would admonish you for feeling.

there will come a day when i will never again
have to wonder what was the name of the boy
that caused such tremendous turmoil in the pit of your chest

there will come a day when i will never again
see the remnants of such a miserable flood
staining the sink basin, breaking through the dam

there will come a day when i will never again
have to wish for your happiness
because i saw your tired, lonely eyes and the sleep you lost

when you find the boy meant for your heart
the only stains he will cause will be to his own honeyed mouth
as he pulls away from your painted lips
to press his forehead to yours
and whisper such adoring endearments
as to make you forget that there was ever a time
before Him & You.

i’m sorry, love
if you were expecting me to whisper sweetness in your ear
and fall apart in your hands, torn asunder
by the burning, aching love in my chest
then i am not the man you thought i was.

i am biting words and bruising hands
and everything i never wanted to be
truly, love
all i want to be is dust in the wind
my heart can’t take this
there is an ache, to be sure
but it isn’t bittersweet or sentimental and it certainly isn’t beautiful
i hear nothing through the din of snarling and snapping teeth
in the deep dark empty pit of my brain
and though you tell me to drown the foul beast out
to fight him with everything i’ve got
the truth is that i have already been gutted and bled dry
and i have nothing left to give.

i tried, i swear i did
but i am ugly inside, through and through
no matter how much you want me to say i’m not
and i can’t change
              i can’t change
                           i can’t change

i wish i knew how to say “i want to help you see me”
without making you hear “i want to destroy all that you know”
for all that you wound me, i still love you
god, do i love you
and i wish i could say for sure that you knew

blood of my blood, son of my mother
brother of mine as i am your brother
when you speak, you scald me so
to let myself close to you one moment
is to sear my own lips closed the next
the fire of your disapproval burns hotter than you know
and i can lead you to water, but i can’t make you drink
all my efforts earn me
is a place to cool the blisters you leave along the way

brother mine, if you love me, then tell me
because the more you speak, the more i’m unsure
if you even want to know me
i want so much to help you understand
foolhardy though it may be, i haven’t given up on you
but every day, i think more and more
that you’ve given up on me