I thought I had found my happy
But my happy was growing a hole
And every day the hole gets bigger
How much longer till my happy is just shreds?
I don't want to know
I don't want to

12:00 AM
"My birthday is in 5 days :3 I get excited like a kid ((:"
"You are like the sun light streaking through my window of life every morning, reminding me how blessed I am.... "
"My vocabulary linguistics can't fathom let alone transcend into expression the intense profound passion driven emotions I feel for you. It's called love, with a pinch of deep passion <3"
"The intensity of the feeling, the warmth in my stomach every time I say I love you, the passion of my heart ... It's like a very new and different, special feeling.. "
"I know you are smiling, you were smiling reading what I had to say and that's exactly how I know you look the most beautiful - smiling <3"
"I was at the hospital today, the doctor said I'd be fine. Don't ask for what or why, please."
"knucklebump (:"
"Best of luck........"


All the stuff you used to say to me. Everything.
I have them all imprinted on my mind,
in that secret corner that I dedicated as the space for you.
It's all there, everything.
From the first word you said to me,
till the last word.
Everything.
They're all there, spinning around in my mind.

I woke up this morning with a tear stained face.
It seems like that's the only way I find myself
when I'm all alone or when I wake up these days,
With a tear stained face.
This morning, I washed away the tear stains and put on a big smile.
Pretended that I was okay. That nothing was bothering me.
What they say is true,
"the happiest of them are the ones who cry themselves to sleep."

You should talk to my pillow some time.
It'll tell you the truth.
That you're all I think about when I'm asleep.
You're always on my mind.
You've given me too much to remember, I can't forget you now.
It's too hard. I take this as punishment for letting you go.
9th December 2013 now.
At this exact moment, you're no longer 16.

15 more days, and I'll be as old as you were just 15 days before.
You're One year older than me.
I'm One year younger than you.
Wait for me to catch up please.
This race with time is driving me crazy now.
It's moving too fast.
I'm tripping too much.
I'm falling too hard.
It's getting harder to get up every day.
But I wont stop.
No matter what, I'll keep running.
'Cause I live with a hope that you'll come back some day.
They say you wont. That I'm being stupid. But deep in my heart,
I know you will come back. I really do.
Prove them wrong, my love. Come back.
And we'll knucklebump one more time and start off from right where we left,
Cause after you get here, nothing will be wrong again.

Till you get back, I'll just settle down by wishing you a very happy birthday [on here].

If you kiss him
I will still write you poems.
I see you
Walking a tightrope of a choice
Leaning one way and then the other.
I see you.
I see everything, even when I try not to.
It is the curse of somebody
Who fears to miss anything
Lest it sneak up.
I don't miss anything
And that protects and damns me in equal measure.
I am ready, in some way, for every blow
But the price of that
Is that I feel them in privacy, alone and rigid,
Before they even happen,
Whether
They even happen.
I have choices.
We all have choices.
All we have
Are choices.
I could make the choice to go cold like stone
And protect myself in case you
Are upstairs right now,
Kissing him tonight the way you kissed me
Last night.
I could make the choice to believe that there is nothing else that could possibly be happening,
And crumple in on myself like a fallen souffle,
Let myself feel soft and rotten inside like a fruit hidden in the grass
With perfect skin
And decay beneath.
Or
I could choose to trust you
That I am special
That I am something
That even if you are up there kissing him
I haven't lost just yet.
I could choose to remind myself that when I met you
You were his
And now you aren't
And that
Is more than I ever dared to hope for.
What is strong, darling?
Tell me what strong is.
I asked you with my eyes last night
And the answer I got was that at that moment
Strong was not something that mattered,
And I fell into that,
Tired and released, for once.
But I never did find out-
What
Is strong?
What am I
That I will still write you poems
Even if you forget me?

I want to push buttons to bring you closer to me.
to write pages upon pages of poetry.
I would like to give you all the finer things.
But this will end one day.
And maybe that day is fast approaching.
And maybe that's a notion I haven't opened.
And maybe my thoughts have been encroaching
on my day to day lifestyle
But you wouldn't know the difference.
And you keep it all hidden.
And I began to feel a bit forbidden
from your
day to day lifestyle.
I smile when I think about the past with you.
But maybe there's no future,
only slowly healing sutures,
holding closed what grew openly between us two.
And if pushing these buttons would bring you closer,
I would type faster than some ******* poser
who is only pretending they know what to do.
But in honest to God, unshaken truth:
that is all I am.
And I thought you knew.
And I thought our love was truer than true.
But I am young and so are you.
And I seem to be all out of the finer things.

Jonas is just too busy
never not bored while he's working
cause with too much time on my uncallused hands
productivity and near ended jobs are not an issue
soon they will be
and I too will be inconvenient and preoccupied
too ******* to answer a phone when it rings on loud
I will be too busy for electronics

They tell me to wipe the dirt off my shoulders,

I put there myself with the shovel in my hands,

Stuck digging a hole, deeper every passing day,

Because I can't get around these boulders.