And If I could tell you how I really felt,
without myself standing in the way.
I would tell you how sorry I am for causing you so much pain.

Self Sabotage,
That's about where I am at.
I say the same thing every time- One step forward, ten steps back.
And for me, this is true.
but why is that?
Why you ask?
because I make it this way.
I twist these words, and actions, and thoughts.
Yours, mine, his, and hers.
Just to make things worse.
I cry and scream,
and throw your things.
because secretly I love to be hated.
i love the way it feels when I hurt.
then I know what I am really worth.
When I bring myself down, I use you all.
Then I can blame someone else as I spiral and fall-
The sad thing is I know I'm a mess,
I know I ruin things, I know I'm depressed.
but here I am spewing out my keyboard for attention.
When I could be bettering myself, and gaining traction.
Toward happiness.
Because that's where we all strive to be.
But We All, Nope that doesn't include me.

I know I love you because i cry when you are gone,
You build me up, and make me feel strong.
I know I love you,
But I'm a little confused,
Because when I love I am use to the pain too.

I know I love you because you make me weak in the knees,
Not because you forced me,
but because you said please.
I know I love you because you help me succeed,
But it feels kind of strange knowing I am free.

I can't help but question and ask what if.. I can't help it when I cry because it is you I miss.
I can't help the times you pop into my head, the nights I dream of you when I am in his bed.

Our love is disgusting, manipulative, and painful.
The things we have done to each other is down right shameful.

So why do I harp on you and that trauma we cause one another?
Why do I still feel like we just need each other?

I crave the torment, the insecurity and fights.
I crave them as much as I crave the peaceful nights.

I miss all the smiles, tears, and scars we've exchanged.
I miss loving someone else who was just as deranged.

I suffocate when I'm without you,
and I drown in your presence.
I can smell you, I can taste you,
I can feel your essence.

Your beauty radiates across the whole room,
I will love you,
I will love you soon.
Just let the idea of us sink in,
And I will love you then.
I smile when I look down and see the bird on my ankle,
It reminds me of the reasons I have to be thankful.
You are reason one,
Helping me love who I become.
Just let the idea of us sink in,
And,
I will love you then.

Sometimes I forget to love myself,
and then you forget to love me as well.
Sometimes I forget to be happy it's true,
but I turn around and push the blame on you.

Because you forgot to love me,
But then again I did too.

Sometimes I stay up and wonder,
Why I didn't share a friendly reminder.
When we stopped remembering to love ourselves and finally each other.