The Creator of
Edible love
Sent from above

Its the candy I love to make
Muffins,  truffles,  and cake
For the art is why I bake

Don't even try to lie
The sweets you can't defy
Espresso Brownies, pumpkin pie

With all certainty
I am so glad to be
A maker of pastry

Frozen little masterpiece
Drifting toward the ground
Fluttering movements cease
Melting without a sound
More of you falling on me
An army of ice
Now the color I cannot see
Isn't that nice

Challah here, and cookies there.
Pastry ******* everywhere.)
Its what I live , and how I think.
In the air, and what I drink.
Cupcakes, pies, brownies all around.
But not a drop of sanity to be found.

When did I start looking at life, as vitamins and calories
I remember back before it was just,  hours and salaries
Now I Zombie about, burned up, and burned out
Stress makes me itchy, ******,  I wanna shout
It's all chores and bills, obligations, feed the cat
Run down, Run over, clean this,  do that
Time warps, bends, now its tomorrow
Better sleep soon, or work will be sorrow
Melatonin and liquor
Make it happen quicker
**** down, pass out, cycle through
Not sure anymore, what else to do

I wish to see you
You saturate all my thoughts
Like a *** soaked cake
syrupy drops through my skull
Tell me to never let go

Occasionally I still feel it pull me
Slowly down into that swirling sea
Despite how far I've come
Part of me's eternally numb
Have to ask myself why I'm mad
Tell myself I'm not really sad
Always question the emotion I feel
Found out long ago they're not always real
They come and go without reason
Little bits of self treason
Never notice until its there
That swirling pit of despair
Its like weeks go by normally
Then its all ****** up suddenly
I've learned to handle I've learned to cope
Just take a shot or smoke some dope
I used to think it would go away
But I've learned its here to stay

You're in my thoughts, and on my  mind
Escape from which I cannot find

I like the way you fry my brain
and half *** make me go insane

With words as sweet as pastry cream
You've drug me off into a dream

temptation calls
disappear into it's arms
shadows fold around
melt into his warm soft skin
playing with dark fantasy

My mind is filled with screaming thoughts, all swirling in a torrent of relentless negative ideas, that wish to fill me with the panic i've come to know on a more than intamate level.
I've started to realise they're muffuled.. as though i'm unconciously smothering these intruders, tresspassing of course being an extremely high offense in this world i don't quite remember creating.
Just sitting here listening through the fog as they try to rant at me all of the quaint little pessimisms they can think of, their voices growing quiet as i slowly steal their oxygen. What a murderer i've become, pressing upon the windpipes of my anxiety , so emotionless and uncaring, as if such a violent act were nothing out of the ordinary in here.
i know what you all must be thinking, because of course some of the voices are having the same ideas.. "She's snapped!" well perhaps i have, i'm not entirely sure about anything at the moment, but if i'm essicently killing a type of pain, then doesn't that make me benevolent rather than malevolent? fixing by destroying the main alements.
Shouldn't that mean i'm healing rather than breaking?

.

our little druggy girl's
actin like shes in a whirl
twitchin likes shes gettin hit
baby must be out of it
eyes blown wide
shes terrified
someone says shes trippin bad
other asks how much shes had
hystarics start bustin out
were losing her theres no dobut
once panic set in
no way she'd win
stumblin about
she starts to shout
tripps back
loud crack
shes so *******
brains got spewed
sirens blared
someone cared?
see the flashing light
escape into the night

morning paper said
they pronounced her dead

a kind word for
the girl who swore
once upon a time
she'd always be fine.

dont feel right...
my own music is attacking me. feel so empty. the words in my head start to rhyme. so i know i need to write.. just dont know what.

will you save me? take me? make me yours?
ocean blue
words so true why do you hide?

..
...
....
songs play
all day taunting me.
speakers off
still so soft
the lyrics sing
and thoughts they bring....

not the boy i want to remember... get out of my head!!!

(laughing) singing~
ocean blue~
just not you~

....
**do we ever really know them?..
do they ever really understand?..

how do you tell who is real and who is imagined? when the masks are seamless and no color seeps through?
whos lying now?
words were twisted

seamlessly .. seamlessly.. seamlessly!
so fake
how well you know your lines , how well you know your part.

all the blocking forever memorised. the scenes you know by heart. everything is perfect, until the characters change. improv was never your strong suit. thats what the other actors were for...

a castle by the sea. what story needs a knight when it has a prince? her title even stays the same ... the dialogue changes as the prince is real and the knight was wrong..
fairy tales.. how will the new version end??...

or will we change the characters again? these actors don't know their lines. the blockings all wrong. look at the scripts they carry. this preformance is no where near ready. It's barely been written!!
we need a play to preform!
how will we build the set if the script keeps changing?
....
tragic flaws..
so the princess dies...
so not cool
we wanted a comedy
not a drama

....
this is a mess and we need to preform...

someone find a new director!!!

Wanna say my score cards full of gold stars
but inside I'm still just healing scars
My brain is leaking this terrible oozy sadness
I used to believe this was just all ******* madness
Now I know its me
Just not the me you see
Magic pastry chef run the bakery!
What's that ETA for desserts on table 3?
I smile and spin
But deep within
My minds on fire
I wanna be higher
or imma scream or maybe cry
part of me wants to die

But bake this proof that
Time to make people fat

Behind my eyes, you're all I see
Golden orange, little tabby
I scramble for the words to say
But they all just seem to melt away
You make me fly
You get me high
With lips and eyes that smile so
Make it seem as if you glow
Soft and sweet, like laffy taffy
Cartoon cat you are so daffy
Delicious kisses, artsy boy
You've come to bring me so much joy
My candy addiction
You seem like fiction
Burning nights away with you
Wake to find the dreams were true

rising action is building fast
the little details are flying past
all blurring
slurring
intwining
and defining
the new paths to take
for the stories we make
chatoic confusion
we slip into delusion
time has no meaning
info replaced dreaming
the rules are so tight
that internlay we fight
our secrets we defend
just want this game to end
bets passed round
cards laid down

no one can win
and the game begins again
.

And this is why I drink
For times when I don't want to think
About those pretty boys
With their ******* ploys
or the bills and debt sorta things
the fact that these burns still sting
I binge to Smile
Once inna while
Poison the pain
or just go insane

let us laugh hystaricaly
when we see with clarity
how ****** up it's become
from all the things we've done

burned from the inside out
we never heard the shouts
were they real?
can he heal?
how lost is he?
did he choose to be?

let us laugh hystaricaly
when we see with clarity

swirls in her mind
answers she cant find
shes crumbling
peices tumbling
can we fix her now?
would we know how?

how ****** up it's become
from all the things we've done

i'm not the same me
different insanity
meddicate
to allievate
the confusion
from my delusions
mello, manic
low, or panic


let us laugh hystaricaly
when we see with clarity
how ****** up it's become
from all the things we've done*

let us fracture and break
when all they do is take
how did it get like this
from glory to ****

I feel empty inside
Nowhere to run or hide
Wish for a self destruct key
Blown apart I'd be free
Behind my eyes I see my thoughts
Rabid incoherent plots
Slam my head into the wall
Just ******* break it all
Smash the bones rip the skin
Drain this blood im drowning in
Brains on fire
I grow tired
Of feelings without reason
Constant case of self treason
Trapped in the shell of me
Not where im supposed to be

I feel empty inside
Nowhere to run or hide

So I'm tearing up the asphalt
Mentaly screaming that it's my fault

Downing the space between us
Plotting how to gain your trust

Denouncing the air i need
I'm choking on the speed

weak willed, i listen to the collision of manic thoughts that resurface like a neverending disease whenever you are mentioned.*

blue..*

the whirl of memorys start, and in the mass hysteria of mental chaos i feel my fingers slip over the keys to write to you. of what is not important. simply a few meaningless words will set me up above the clouds in a serene distant state. the promise of that momentary bliss is enough to keep my reasonable side hidden away... she'll come out later, and when she comes so will the negative ideas. the "why did i say thats", and "what is he thinkings" all of which will riot through the clouds ripping them apart until i fall and smash back into newly cold reality.

of course by then the conversation will have ended and i wont know what you think of the crazed words i somehow managed to smash into thoughts that sounded like sentences at the time, but now look like the disasterous scribbled rought draft of a 5th grade report over an unknown topic.

so with the last of my resolve i hold down the backspace key until all of the mangled writing is gone. you of course have no knowledge of this inner turmoil because i never hit enter.. i tell myself thats for the best but im not sure if i believe that, then again if you lie to yourself long enough you can believe anything. so why not, it's only survival..

simply put simply said
I really should be in bed
but your on my mind
this state I find
when I eat those pills
feel those feels
and lose the words when sleep comes
melatonin tweaks but numbs.

Drugged
Druggggedd
Drugg gg eedd
Intoxicated
Mind has faded
Little pills
Not for thrills
Sleepy time
I wish to find
Lost my mind
D r u g g e d
D  r  u  g  g  e  d d d
Dreams will come
Once im numb
Fast asleep
Not a peep

Locked in my head
Should be in bed
Melatonin kicking in
Dreamland will win

Always words in my brain
Starting to question how sane
or what it even means..

D R U G G E D
slugged
thoughts of mush
words just gush

Brain is melting down
Surrounded by no sound
Eyelids are losing
Bodys refusing

Sleepy time is here
Dream without fear
....

does it hurt when i see through you?
like my eyes are ripping away the tissue?
can you feel the lies falling?
when i know that your just stalling.
searching for a way to hide.
save your remaining pride.

your lies play in false tones.
wrapped tightly around your bones.
it seems they support you now
it makes me wonder how
you ended up this way
in a constant state of decay
rotting away on the inside
where all your ***** secrets hide.

does it hurt when
theres no way to defend
from the layers ripping
with the truth dripping
from tears in the mask
that's fallen from your grasp
when we can see you
and everything you do
with nothing blured
reality un slured
just you for you
completly true


it's hideous to see
your reality.

your teeth on my skin
my mind just caves in
teasing me
constantly
I want you now
don't care how
I've come to find
you dance in my mind
all night,  all day
the lil things you say
orange and blue
I love what you do.
this and that
artsy cat
you breathe that music
and I almost just lose it.
I like the games you play
but never know what to say

Like the snows in my brain
A specific sort of pain
The Christmas cheer
and Little reindeer
That bring you all joy
Well m they destroy
I'm frozen through
Don't know what to do
Cold is not my friend
There's no way to defend
It just ******* seeps in
Waiting for summer to come
So i don't have to be numb
Thawed by the sunshine
Then I'll be fine

I wanna set the world on fire
instead I puff to get higher
shift,  flip,  switch,  bam
I don't even give a ****
enraged
im caged
hello chemical monster, where'd you come from
5 seconds ago I was totally numb
slam my brain into the wall.
Im just waiting for the downfall
irrational
theatrical
I wanna bleed myself dry
or bust open and ******* cry
its like im against myself today
don't even have the words to say
what the **** are you doing to me
I just want to be free
they spazz cause my smiles gone
ask me what in life is wrong
I don't know. I don't care
I just feel . life's not fair

My little foxy
Oh all that you have taught me
Forever longing.

Sunsets on Sundays
Let's begin the night haze
Yes chef I want you
Think of what we can do
My escapist thrill
You give me chills
Pretty boy
I'll be your toy
Destroy me
Set me free
I just want to see
Those eyes mischievous so taunting
That smile so bright and haunting
I can't escape the thoughts of you
No matter what I try to do
So have your way
You make my day
With the games we play
There's no way I can win
So lets just begin.

I've become poison and my drug quit working
the monsters in the dark, at the edges they're lurking
Need an new silver letter to get hooked on,
Stronger than Z, that brings the light of dawn
But those ****** monsters never go away
they still haunt me in the bright of day
Play with my thoughts, talk in my head.
You'll never let go, not even if dead.
So I've taken to the smoke and the stars
to make the thoughts stop, and numb all the scars
Lost away in my land so low
what will become of all this i don't even know.

Crack and crumble
Snap and break
Slip and fumble
Twitch and shake
Hide it all
Until the fall
Overflow, bust and seep
Stitches snap and eyes that weep
Unravel, unwind, melt through the floor
Exposed and fragile, I can't take much more.

Pastry land
Is so grand
But do beware
Of this world so fair
Its fée illusion
That spins delusion
We pirate cats
Wear jester hats
As we twirl and dance
Our kitchen prance
Throw a soul onto the pyre
Watch the heat make bread rise higher
Hopes and dreams
Whisked with smothered screams
Baked hot and through
In the shell of you

Hide behind full cases
In cute little places
All cookies and cake
And the smiles we fake.

My heart is too big.
I never would have suspected. It has always been frozen.
Maybe I feel so empty because it is so large.  Maybe I'm so dead because so many of you are still in it,  blocking blood flow.  
I never saw this being a problem.

Pretty boy on my balcony
What a joy you are to see
Messy hair, golden glow
Crystal eyes, I love so
Smoke your poison, I'll drink you in
So many words, I can't even begin..

Reality
The death of me
Don't know why you couldn't see
Its everything that makes me crazy
In my mind so dark and hazy

Overfill that void
Makes me ******* paranoid
Dark timesp
Build rhymes
Drink and smoke and **** it all away
I don't even know what to say
Black out shades over my eyes
Cute words and smiles are almost lies
Escapist bebe straight to heart
Form this land I wish to depart
But how can.you ever be free
When your minds as deep as the sea

When you plan it all
Only to see it fall
Over and over again
As if you'll never win
Discouragement that weighs you down
Somthering. Shhh, don't make a sound
Work until your skin falls off
Still can't breathe you start to cough
Choking on reality
Still not where you need to be
The wallets dry
And you wanna cry
But there's no time for such things
Gotta juggle what life slings
Momentum. Break down,  to get ahead
Matter of time before you end up dead
The adult game of 'never done '
I miss the days of having fun
Despite this crumbling zombie form I wear
I refuse to let life bring me to despair
Singing in the labor camp, waiting to be free
This face will always have a smile, for everyone to see

My self destructive habits, have returned to me again.
This battle for my sanity, we will try to win.
We do so well until, fatal wounds arise.
Must be tended to by who, which of my allies?.

Been watching your decent into
Things i wish you wouldn't do

The poisoned child you've become
And the stupid things that you have done

I miss the person you use to be
One day maybe you will see

The ways you're evolving
Arent issues resolving

My little heart is full of puddles
My little mind all kinds of muddled
Burn the skin
Drown within
Mind warns to break and scream
Coaxed on by some dark dream
Level face to them all
No way I dare to fall
Smiles on skin
Lying's a sin
but it gets you by and makes you move
Gotta find that mood to groove
Fourteen hours in this bakery
They never see what it does to me
My little heart is full of puddles
My little mind all kinds of muddled
Day is ending almost done
Bruised and tired , but we won
My mind is screaming anyway
I don't hear what it has to say

Alcohol my bebe
Only thing to save me
When im acting crazy

Shot 1 shot 2 shot 3
This'll be the death of me

Not sure I care anymore
This world I seem to abhor

Just wanna break and scream and run
Think I gave up on having fun

but in this sstate
I no longer hate

Just content with me
And what I have to be

My heart's a little sad
I try to keep it glad
With candy thoughts
and Tequila shots
How did i end up here
Dancing with adult fear
A little dead inside
With nowhere to hide

Just shoot me
**** reality
I dont want to be
This catastrophe
Anymore
I abhor
Where I'm at and what I do
Sad to say the words are true
But I don't know what I thought I knew
Just wish these games were through

That escapist part
deep in my heart
Is clawing up my inside
I've nowhere left to hide
Intoxicate
to alleviate
Over and over again
Yet I never seem to win
Stress seeped too deep In
Ripping up my skin
Drowning within ...

I have a craving for you similar to liquor or cake
I wish to attack you the moment I wake
that ***** desire I just can't shake
oxytocin bond im afraid might break
so I swim In you until IV lost my breath
I consider drowning I consider death
for I've found oblivion in you
nothing else I'd rather do

Orange and blue
Not a thing I can do
Just sit and watch you

I would destroy myself to save you
Do whatever I had to
If only I could help you
Just don't know what to do

I let you slip away from me
Hoped that you would be happy
I've watched you struggle for so long
Seen how she has done you wrong
Wish that you could only see
That you need to just be free

And I would destroy myself to save you
Do whatever I had to
If only I could help you
Just don't know what to do

Kitty katt I miss you much
Wish that you would keep in touch
Its hard for me to call you friend
When this silence has no end
Years have passed since I've seen you
Wonder what you've been up to
Starting to think that I should quit
Just give up and forget

But I would destroy myself to save you
Do whatever I had to
If only I could help you
Still don't know what to do

No time for these games, I don’t like being played
Little boys all around, I wish that you’d stayed.
Pills to sleep, Smoke, and too many shots.
Now he’s the one that haunts my thoughts…
My fairytale plot, never seems to go right.
Reality hits, when I sleep alone at night.

Numb dazed
Unfazed
Brains crazed
Broke down
I found
Too many things, Too many things
This instability my life brings
Take a shot
Why not
Already broken
No words spoken
Silence and cleaning
I should be dreaming
Kitchens done
Was close to fun
But I don't feel
Can't be real
Its 1 in the morning tomorrow
So blank I don't feel sorrow
Just empty and dead
The cats should be fed
Or maybe I should go to bed
Just wanna clean it all
Tables, floors, walls
Scrub until I fall
Fast fast asleep
But I tire of counting sheep
and the hours I seem to Keep
should really go to sleep...

7/10

Its nice to be reminded I can't hide in you
you're an ocean,  oh so quiet of the deepest blue
I would smother in your waterfall
In those currents I can't breathe at all
Frozen in that darkened sea
It could never be you and me

The catastrophe
Of the atrophy
In this cavity
Of my skull
Is despair
And unfair
I must repair
This hearts hull

Custard brained
I cant contain
The poison on my soul
Cant you see
I'm not me
Empty, numb, and unwhole

When you wake up its there
Pop! out of nowhere
A sort of despair..

words rhyme
its time

This pain
Insaine
Depressed
Compressed
Wound till' snap
Can't take this crap
Shut off that brain
Pretend to be tame

No fun to be had
When you're  suddenly sad
This bipolar game
My life it does reign

I guess I cope
Just **** ****
And choke choke
Back the tears
And hidden fears
***** and ****
Are all I need

But its always there waiting
For my resolve to start fading