i could stare at the sky
for hours
watching the changes
and movements of clouds
dreaming
imagining
that all is good
all is simple
love embraces us
a laughing child
birds in song
the twinkling of chimes in the trees
all offer comfort
and together
it feels like a warm tap on the back
i could hide in these sounds
staring at the sky
imagining a place
so far from here.

melancholic and dreary
smokey and dark
these are feelings
that project from my heart

it may not be roses
sunshine and daisies
but gloom is what i feel today
tomorrow it may be silly boys
and crazies

please honor my feelings
if they bring you down
don't waiver
for if you end up turning the page on me
you might be doing us both
a favor.

a light shines
and it's coming from you
what i thought of as dull
is illuminated
because of your presence
your smile
awakens me
your laughter
brings forth a smile
the conversation that pours from you
fills the room
with comfort
an easiness
flows from you
like honey from a comb
and it works
   it fits
       you fit
and my heart bursts
for you are love
you are peace
and from deep within me
you extract
happiness.

how can such a tiny thing
leave such a huge hole in my heart

i miss you, my love

i've blown the head off
of a furry dandelion
watching the seedlings
twisting and turning
in the gentle breeze
to land softly in my neighbors yard
anticipating with an evil hunger
his cursed filled exclamations
at a lawn covered with weeds.

rain
      to me
is like a double dose of ******
with a tequila chaser.

i find myself filled with
zealous animosity
while observing the happy go lucky
faces of holiday revelers
i'm overtaken by a jealous urge
to deflate their wonderment and joy
                            somehow, someway

   would tripping one of them
as they walk by me
be too obvious
   would swiping the candy cane
from a rosy cheek brat
give away my true state of mind
   would throwing tomatoes at the parade santa
label me as a scrooge

these thoughts haunt me
i despise being eaten away by the exact frame of mind
i wouldn't tolerate from others
only the year before

hopefully this unintentional insanity
is short lived
hopefully my emotional strength of wills
will ground me...once again
for this me is not the me i want to spend
the remainder of my days with

taking a breath
i inhale the ending of another day
thinking i've accomplished a lot
assuming i've shown love where needed
i still feel
           unfulfilled

this unsettling in me
is waring

i've grown bored with
   self medication

i've become unscathed
by the obvious reaching out
   from others

there's still too much hurt
not only my soul
but the soul of so many living beings

   too much hatred
    too much cruelty
the unending suffering
   is exhausting

i accept i am not a savior
i get i haven't the power
to rescue all
   but give me some hope
   show me some progression
                  of goodness
offer me that the majority
   are kind

do that
and the passing of days won't seem so dire

do that
and i'll gain the strength
   to continue on
facing another day
with the promise
of a better tomorrow.

my eyes borrow time from my brain
so they could stay open just a bit longer
to see the things
my hands have to create
on screen
which staring at makes my eyes weaker
forcing them to call on the brain
for help
...once again

if only this cycle would stop
with sleep.

disappointment
a punch in the gut
   but
you stay steady
trying hard
to hold your head
up high
while your will
is slowly
diminishing
   confidence
    draining
but you hold tight
onto the smile
that will
keep
you
solid
   sane
     together
giving you the courage
to try
once again.

i coax my body
to keep very still
to listen
i drink in
the noises
of the night
a dog barks
a train whistles
a car screeches
to a stop
sometimes
a soul cries
trying to be silent
but the quiet night
betrays her
drunken laughter
skims the streets
my own imagined
stories
giving life
to what i hear
and i think
there is
life
out there
somewhere
within range
of my own ears
and i listen
to the night
imaging purpose
of others
besides
myself.

gawking and gazing
observing and seeing
knowing what is
and what is not
continuing with the flow
of what i've come to know
ending the day
not with regrets or disappointments
but with an understanding
of what has become
    ... normal.

i chose solitude
over soul depreciating
neanderthals

these people
the people i observe
sometimes stare at
   in disbelief
going through the motions
trying to do what's expected
not daring to cross that line
just doing
   acting
     behaving as
because that's what's expected
                                    of them
i think it's pathetic
   sad
     weak

me
i cross lines
   behave badly
     make enemies
stand isolated
   but solid
in what i believe
   friends?
i have enough
   enemies?
probably too many
   sleepless nights?
definitely too many
and yes
i get lonely
   yes
i get scared
   yes
i question myself
   always
but i won't settle
i won't disengage myself
                       from myself
to be one of
them
to be accepted
by the whole of

this is me
this is what i am
and i'm not afraid to show it
i'm not afraid to shove it into someone's face

i won't perform
just to show
i can fit in
just to show
i am normal

        no
i'll continue to be disliked
i'll continue to be shunned
because exceptional
is way better
than conventional.

...a thank you to all who helped me attain 70 followers. i glow with both the anticipation of reading and writing great poetry and i am honored to be a part of this community of great artists in every sense of the word.
i am humbled, thank you.
susan

there's this
there's that
and of course, the other thing
so...
      give me this
and that
plus the other thing
then
and only then
will i sit back contented
and happy.

prrrrr
push push push
prrrrr
push push push
a swish of a tail
a scuttling under the bed
diamond green eyes searching, trusting
a nudge at my foot
prrrrr
push push push
prrrrr
a smile crosses my lips
i reach for you
hug nothing but pillow
my eyes mist over
my heart aches
prrrrr
prrrrr
hush hush now
go to sleep
i got you
right here
you'll always be right here

you purring besides me
intoxicates me
to a restful sleep

my baby
my love
i miss you most
on cloudy days
send me something
anything
to hold onto
send me you
come home

i cried for you last night
sobbing into my pillow
i was wrought with the pain of loss
so fresh
it was as if you'd just left me

i am so sorry

i am still so overcome with guilt
   i can't seem to let go
i had let you down
   you
my most precious love
   you
who trusted me to take care of
   you
i wasn't there for
   you
and, deservedly
my heart shattered

i am so sorry

there's no thing that can fix that
i know...
i've tried

i am so sorry

     it's funny though
because i know you'd forgive me
but i can't forgive myself
and until that day comes,
if it ever comes,
my heart will never be the same
   without you.

i've spent a year without you
but the wound is as fresh
as the day you left me

i thought photos of you
would comfort me
but they only prove to be
bittersweet reminders
of what i once had
what i could have protected

but your green eyes do say something
to me
and i find myself lost in them
hoping to find
forgiveness

will i ever not hurt?
can i, in time, forgive myself?

this burden is so heavy
my heart is laden
with the guilt of not saving
   the one thing that trusted me
loved me unconditionally

i will continue to beg for your forgiveness
which will only come
when i can forgive myself.

i see her
rambling along the sidewalk
sometimes the street
shaking
her body shakes
her hands, her head
shaking
and looking down
she's always looking down
passing her
i try to meet her eyes
look at me
i silently urge
sometimes she does
sometimes she doesn't
but when she does
it's only a glance
   up
like she's caught underneath a huge tree branch
that has fallen on her
and has her trapped
her eyes seem to be pleading
always
but for what
i do not know
and she mumbles
grumbles
has conversations within herself
with herself
being pleased with herself
and shaking
shaking her head
at all the inconsequential
beings that surround her
for in her mind
feeble or otherwise
she is sane
an alone sane being
surrounded by nincompoops
and ninnies
who don't understand
or care to understand
that she, and she alone
is normal
or as normal as can be
in this crazy, insane
mixed up world.

categorized insanity
a relished ailment
   sought after
     acted for
       cases pled
sad eyes begging

ME
that's ME
please
please
  doctor

I

AM

ILL

         MENTALLY

it's socially acceptable
   admired
heads nod in understanding

give me that
write it in my chart
scroll out the 'script

i want to dance in the streets
run naked through the park
bark at strangers
drool on myself
**** myself
**** on pavement

and all will be accepted

because

i am labeled

mentally incoherent
   unstable
socially incompetent

and therefore

totally embraced

because of

my

insanity.

walking unsteadily
because of the
unstableness of my mind

my thoughts collide
and any sense i've had
dissolves to form
hard angled pieces
that just don't fit

i can't see straight
i can't focus

all i've known
doesn't make sense anymore

the years collapse
to form an unending stream
of nothingness
that gets ****** down
the drain of my being
leaving me with a vast horizon
of the unknown
   the uncomfortable
    the new

but

offering me an oasis
barely visible in the distance
of inexplicable bliss

and left
hoping for the strength
to reach it.

duly noted*
what does that even mean...
...that you are correctly recording
my words of anguish
and disbelief
of the fact that you are
punishing a completely
innocent person
nonetheless?

duly noted.

feeling exhausted
     and *****
random songs
fill my head
like a record spinning
        round and round
the same lyrics played
over
           and over
driving me to the brink
                 of craziness
imagining an eraser
I wipe my brain clean
leaving an empty shell
   unplugged
     quieted
but for the skip, skip, skipping
of the needle.

seeing you
so uncomfortable
didn't give me pleasure
it made me sad
to see you so unhappy
weird, isn't it
i thought i would find comfort
in your pain
but i don't
you don't deserve it
you don't deserve that
why did you settle
you settled for that
but you couldn't settle for me
i don't get it.

the wanting of something
   that one thing
that captures my soul
becoming obsessive
in my desire for it

constantly searching

desperate need
   to have it
consuming all thoughts
taking over all feelings
   blinded
     numb
       frantic
trying to escape
the nagging
            annoying
    pull
of this one thing
hollowed by a hunger that won't be satisfied
psychotic with the preoccupation
of finding it

but frightened by the thought
of actually acquiring it.

*am i insane?

i will give you
nothing less
than me
if you'll accept
nothing less
than myself.

dreams
with no intention of fulfilling
   wishes
with no desire to make true
   clouded expectations
   false promises
   believing in fantastical thoughts
that provide shattered hope
   lying to yourself
offering a temporary salve
that gets you through another day

that is a very sad existence
   indeed.

right now
at this time o'clock
i would offer myself to you
no strings attached

all you have to do
is ask.

here
today
now
looking
who is this i see
me
this image
it is'nt
what i am used to
seeing
it's me
yes
but a
distorted image
of who
i know i am
sloping
wrinkles
cavernous spaces
where i know
a smooth terrain
is supposed to be
the disappointment
i feel
is expected
but i am unprepared
for the inevitable
that has come.

climbing the rickety stairs
i keep my eyes
on the worn,
wooden door
just ahead
reaching for the ****
it turns easily
for something so old

opening
   i see you
for the first time in years
facing the window
   rocking
the floor creaking
beneath the chair

you don't turn
you don't acknowledge me
but i know
that you know
i am here

i search the scene
outside the window
trying to see
what you are seeing
but what i observe
is what has always been there
   aged trees
swaying gently in the wind
   a few birds
calling to one another
   farther off
   a hilly horizon
where blue and green
                                kiss

as i approach you
i think i sense a
hesitation in the rocking
   but i'm not sure

i place my hand on your shoulder
and you gently place yours on top
of mine

and together we stare
at an unchanged scene
through a dusty window
dismissing years
and having our hearts embrace
once again.

urging myself to see something
   that isn't there
parading myself by uninterested observers
   hoping for acknowledgment
keeping the faith
   when faith was lost so long ago
giving a smile
   when my insides are ripped to shreds
laughing at unfunny jokes
   hugging the grotesque
spending time with the offensive
         sharing a lunch with the mind-numbing,
uninteresting, humdrum, stupid

the circle of a lifetime
     coming to a stop
at an unknown destination.

not everyone can be as lonely as me

*can they?

the sky is brighter
   today
the colors more vibrant
   today
things i look at seem clearer
crisper
the edges sharper
   today
     i will enjoy today
i will swallow it up
and gorge myself on it
because this amazing intensity
might not be here
   tomorrow.

if i think hard enough
i can almost feel
the powerfulness
of your embrace
and
at the time
it feels strong
and i feel secure
but if i allow my mind
to grasp the truth
i know it's only
pretended security
you give me
for an easy
lay.

i spotted you among the crowd
and our eyes met for a second
   a split second
but that was enough
for in that moment
i felt a warmth fill me
   top to bottom
and i knew
yes, i knew
i had to have you

by the end of the night
we had our first date

in the back seat of your car.

are you the one sent
   a new one
this one is special
    this one is different
will you woo me until i fall unabashedly
unadulterated, and unbiasedly
in love with you?
only to toss me to the curb
when i no longer amuse you?
and then will my pain
bring you pleasure
a pleasure that will expand,
even further,
your side splitting, bloated ego?

i've given in to better
   i've been left by the best
you are one of many
that i can tuck into the pocketbook of my heart
to bring out and look at
when my soul need a little bruising.

he leaned up against the wall
smoking
casually flipping his lighter
open
close
open
close
i don't think he noticed me
noticing him
but i really didn't care
he was perfect
tall, lean, ripped blue jeans, leather jacket
dark hair, unkempt
sullen eyes
i couldn't help but stare
i wanted him to notice me
i willed him to notice me
he finished his smoke
and casually flipped the wasted end
onto the pavement
then
he glanced up
and our eyes met
and he did notice me
no expression at first
and then the small creepings of a smile
"smoke"?, he asked
"sure", i said
my heart was pounding
my knees felt weak
but i went to him, smiled, and retracted a cigarette
from his pack
this was absolutely perfect
a dream come true
a fairy tale beginning
to the meeting of two perfect souls
but there was one, slight problem...
...i don't smoke.

what beauty in this world
what magic that surrounds us
too many times such simpleness is ignored
like the veins in a leaf
or bubbles on the wave.
the chirp of a bird
and the rustle of the trees.
a burping frog,
the sun, blinding us with sparkling, pure light, offering
swimming fish flashing perfect rainbows.
the slither of a snake through autumn soaked forests.
dew on the morning grass.
open your eyes
embrace what surrounds you
for there is nothing simple within the simplest of things

come forward
and enter my life
take the blows
meant for me
wallow in my pain
rejoice in my good fortune
trip over my mistakes
suffocate the uneasiness
i feel at times
take it all away from me
live it
summarize it
then
breathe your findings
into my ear.

it gets old
this thinking
wondering
sometimes hoping
for someone
anyone
to amuse me
enlighten me
stimulate me
with words
conversation
a look
a touch
anything
loneliness gets boring
being alone has lost its charm
i am not a loner
well, not some of the time
anyway
no, some of the time
i need someone
anyone
to rouse me
excite me
love me

ok, i'm ready
come get me.

among family & friends
    is when i feel most alone

i laugh when expected
   (sometimes a beat too late
getting a sidelong glance
and questioning eyes)
  i shrug

i want to say
   ignore me
i'm really not here
  
you people don't know me at all
   you
my blood
     my dearest
       and bestest

who of you has taken the time
to really know me?
to unravel my flaws?
to arrange the pieces of my brain
that don't quite fit?

who of you isn't embarrassed by me?
by my strangeness?
and odd behavior?
my silly clothes?
and wild ideas?

which of you truly love me?
not because it's expected
   or required
but because i am just that...
     lovable

i don't need your love
   really
just show me
your acceptance

or leave me be.

shaken, not stirred
with a twist of lemon
on the rocks

it's that kind of day.

i'm pushing and pushing
hoping that eventually
you, and all like you
will take the plunge
and leave me be.

i dreamt of you the other night
and woke up in tears
   i felt you
and the void in my heart
grew bigger
i saw the sadness in your eyes
the questioning of why i'd left you
   i felt it
and it tore me in two
and i haven't been the same since
i can't get you out of my mind
my head is filled with the sorrow
of not having you any longer
i want a replacement
   but i don't
i want you
back with me

if i could only turn back time
i'd stop my final closing of the latch
   on my suitcase
i'd make the call that said
   i can't make it this time
and i'd stay home with you
   be with you
   hold you
and cry when you finally left me
but feeling comfort in knowing
that i was there for you
   at the end
and that you were not alone
without the one that loved you most
without the one that you loved most

but i can't do that

so i suffer as penance
   i deserve this pain
   i'd let you down
   i wasn't there when you needed me most
and for that
     i am forever sorry.

she is with him
   and he is with her
they are together
   but those two...
...they're apart
don't talk to him
he is with that one
no   no   no
not him either
he's got eyes for the other one
   there
    that one
he is alone
go for him
   no
i don't think so
i'm still stuck
   on that one
     over there
but there's no chance of that
because him...
...he's with someone else
and me
ha!
***** it
i'm going home

this is messed up.

empty streets, empty nights
temporary fulfillment
found in laughter and drinks
looking into the faces
of childhood friends
realizing they are strangers to me
and i to them
parting at the end of the night
sharing gripping hugs
and promises to stay in touch
driving home
i'm wondering if they feel as vacant as i do
i'm curious if this limited gathering of acquaintances
was really worth the trouble.

sitting in my car
waiting for a train
listening to the hummmm
of the engine
and it lulls me to sleep
only to be wakened
by the blare of a horn
behind me

the nerve of some people!!!