passing the torch of love
from one heart to another
touching each
in very different ways
witnessing the shrinking
of the flame
before each passing
having it reignited
by a new hand
dimming when the new
becomes old
and always
searching endlessly
   for the eternal fuel.

you seek public appraisal
but can't accept criticism
you offer animated conversation
and lame jokes
but won't consent to looks of confusion
or disinterest
you live a lie
but believe it to be truth

years go by
with nothing changing

your conversations have become less animated
the jokes less frequent
but your belief...
...that has stayed the same
except now
you only have yourself to convince.

you make me smile
and that's all that matters
   for now
however long it lasts
isn't important
i'm not going to think about it
i'm just going to enjoy
what you are giving me
at this moment
and that is
   you make me smile.

you were given life
but you don't have to accept
the initial terms

you can take it
spin it around
turn it on it's axis
and start in a new direction

you're not happy
   change it!

risk making enemies
& losing friends
that probably never were

grab sadness
& depression
by the neck
and choke the life out of 'em

never give up the search
for happiness...
  contentment
     peace

it's all there if you'd only look hard enough.

connecting eyes
from across the room

i've settled for less

intoxicating beauty
is what i see
and the longing
i feel
comes to a peak

the yearning to touch you
is overwhelming
and lust drips from my fingertips
searching for a
connection.

my head is filled
with waves of memories
from simpler times
the happiness
i remember
fills me
with a melancholic
longing

it was me
i've lost

and the image
i see in the mirror
is a stranger

what have i become?
when did it all slip away?
and more importantly...

how can i get it back?

my translucent chest
bares a wounded heart
for all to see

they poke
probe
question
and shake their heads
in disbelief

wondering why a girl like me
isn't ashamed of projecting
that she's less than perfect.

death seeps
from every corner
the inkiness
of the night sky
suffocates me
trying hard
to squeeze me helpless
tears of resistance
flow
and the pain
is overwhelming
an imagined knife
cuts my heart in two
   then three
    then quartered
eventually left to bleed
out inside of me
leaving me feeling
lifeless
and numb

the once small spark of joy
and goodness
doused
before ever becoming
whole.

i've lost the feeling
of love
i push my mind to the brink
willing it to remember
cradling it with memories
hoping my senses
will recall the familiarity
   of touch
     longing
         anticipation
but there is
   nothing
except i do feel
an ache
deep within
a void
   emptiness
not broken
but not fixed
unexplainable
so not missed
my mind says i haven't given up
but my body says
let it go.

struck dumb
by a love that didn't last
left smoldering
and lost

peeking out from the blankets
realizing i was indeed
   alone

my eyes filled
and a single teardrop
slithered down my cheek

dreams shattered
in my head
and an explosion of hurt
cradled my heart

high expectations
made too soon
for a love that i knew
wouldn't last.

digging through my brain
for some great memory
from the past
something i can hold onto
something that says
you were happy
once
you smiled easily
laughed with pure joy
slept uninterrupted

i want to hold hands
with that thought
swinging back and forth
joyfully
unadulterated
unblemished
free

i want to get lost
in that thought
forgetting what is
not imagining
what will most definitely
be...

...becoming enraptured
in the goodness
of what could've
been.

love
so small a word
so heavy a burden

   give me love
     i want to love

what is this word
           *love
that possesses so many hearts
     that so many ears are longing to hear
     so many arms
                            aching to hold
so many voids
                        waiting to be filled

one word
   one feeling
but the deepest of emotions

people **** for it
beg for it
long for it
loose all common sense for it
   abandon all decency
just to have a taste of it
to hold onto one small fragment of
                     love

an all consuming word
a word that
   once given
can open universal doorways
but once taken away
can deflate
the strongest of the strong.

love
is a great subject
for a poem,
    or a novel,
       a movie,
or documentary

there have been discussions,
   studies,
       theories,
      thoughts,
and opinions

doctors have analyzed it
picked it apart
and made assumptions
to try and explain
this most complex
of emotions

every person feels it differently

some people embrace it
others fend it off passionately

it can be the most euphoric
of feelings
but also leave a person
devastated beyond relief

it has provoked suicide
and laid the groundwork
for ******

it is a feeling that can't be taught

there is no right
      and no wrong
way to go about it

every love affair
has a different start
and an unpredictable end

but one thing is certain
when the end does come
the scars it leaves
cannot ever
    be fully healed

so really...

is it truly better
to have loved and lost
than to never have loved
in the first place?

when does love turn into an obsession,
and simple need turn into something ugly?
when does kindness become overbearing while
providing comfort becomes infuriating?

indeed, there is a fine line between love and hate
and absolutely, a person can love too much;
and what a sad day that will be

do not fixate on one and risk being alone
do not expect so much as to become an irritant
and do not **** with kindness
only to be treated with frustrated cruelty

love shouldn't be smothering
love should flow effortlessly,
come naturally
only then will it be welcomed unconditionally.

when you've loved
it's a feeling
like no other

when you're touched
by something, someone, beyond
compare

when you've
found
without looking

and not questioned
what was always
there

you're at home
with that one other

you've found peace
just sitting in a chair

this other person
exudes perfection

without you even knowing
that's why
they're there.

the misted lake
seems to flow forever
and i sit with wine
and scrambled thoughts
offering them up
to ride the waves
of uncertainty
hoping to touch another
with similar concerns
to be tossed back
to me.

my wild heart
beats excitedly
feeling overwhelmed
with desire

soft caresses
quicken the pulse
sending it into a whirlwind
of hypnotic feelings

control is lost
falling from fingertips
dazed
by prickles of need

not satisfied
until flesh meets flesh
ending with the exhaustion
and perspiration
of spent love

you've left me clumsy
   and unaware
of appreciative eyes
that follow me
watching my every move
stopping abruptly
when i cast an evil look
their way

it's foreign to me
     this wanting
           needing
attraction
others feel
i don't know how
to take it
i can't imagine
using it
to my advantage

yes, you've left me numb
     bewildered
          and incapable
of recognizing
   another's love.

sing a soft melody
straight from the heart
watch the music
float through the air
looking to land
on worthy ears.

i saw you toss your trash
onto the sidewalk
   and i cringed
my heart beat intensified
roaring loudly in my head

bu-bump bu-bump bu-bump

my hands started to shake
and i desperately looked for something
to hold on to
   a stick
     or bat
yes, a bat would be better
so i could walk up to you
and knock that silly grin
off your face
and stuff your trash down your skinny throat

but instead...

i picked up the trash
and tossed it in the bin

*yeah, i'm a coward
eat it.

thoughts of you
catch me unguarded
   glancing at the door
   walking down the stairs
   mindlessly watching the cars park
i think of you
working on someone's car
and phoning me so i can see you
from the window...shirtless
   i'll catch a whiff of you
while walking to my office
and i wonder
is this the smell of him
or has this scent always been here
undetected by me
until i became involved
with him
you still surround me
very much so
and i miss it
i miss you
and the way you made me feel.

you swallow your
bottled up anger
and spew onto the next person
that dares approach you

friend or foe
you know not the difference

they're all the same
   to you
you're as comfortable
with each
   which isn't at all

you've been crippled
bred in abuse
rage
   and hate
you know no other way

born innocent
then molded
into knowing
                     only how to hurt.

the days move too quickly
like the warped image
of souls on a roller coaster

there's no difference
between sunshine
and rain
for the heart of the day
is the same
        suffocating

an intense feeling of unease

i'm waiting for the precise moment
to reach out
and bring someone in
because i know that's what's expected
that's what's needed to project
normalcy

oh, how i wish i could cry out
to them all
that
i am not
normal
i am not
ok

but i can't

not now

not until the reckless rotating of the days
slows down a bit.

he liked to take the boat
and drift in the waves
letting the gentle
splish splash
lull him into a state
of melancholic bliss.

no matter how far away i am
it is never far enough
   from you

   you are there during sleepless nights
i hear your words fall from my brothers lips
  the need you generate
    heats me throughout my day
    in the form of a cold sweat
when i look in the mirror
i see the judgments you've made are true
  the bruise you've left on my soul
   is a constant reminder
   of the hurt you gave

i am a prisoner of my own mind
and your cruel heartlessness
provide the restraints

i feel death
is the only option for peace...

...whether it be yours
or mine.

a kaleidoscope of images
flash before my eyes
becoming embedded in my brain
what i need to see
   what i long to see
is the perfect you
constructed before me
every piece fitting
just right
turning slowly
you're displayed
for my approval
my heart beats
in anticipation
and the lifelong search
begins...

again.

there's this day
and that
the weeks merge into
months
months into years
i think i'm still the same
i don't feel different
do i look different
to you
do i smell different
then what you're used to
has my body changed
is my mind less than brilliant
do i not amuse you
stimulate
attract
turn on?
let me know
please, let me know
so i could let you know
that this is it
this is what i've been
this is what you know i am
and just because you've grown tired
bemused
uninterested
does not mean
i will change
because changing to suit you
will not suit me.

blending into the crowd
that's not me
in a field of red
   i'm the black dot
when everyone's quiet
   it's me who squeals
people are crying
   i'm clapping and laughing
   at the hilarity of the moment
i'm running
   when it says 'walk'
i'm taking something
   that says 'do not touch'
i steal things
   just because
i'm a tail rider
garbage picker
evil eyed lady
that leers at an unruly toddler
i don't kick dogs
i don't eat meat
and i love candy
i drink beer
do shots
and make fun of people
i don't care if someone dislikes me
and i only have a few close friends
i wear sweats to parties
and dresses to bowl
my friends take me
   or leave me
it's all the same to me
i love my son
and would **** anyone that hurt him
my mother's a nut
and my dad's dead
my brother's are cool
but not as cool as me
i'm a great aunt
and an even better mother
i say what i mean
and mean what i say
i'm trying to stop saying '****'
but, sadly, i'm failing
each day is a gift
and even better when i'm drunk
i plan on retiring rich
and can't remember the last time i got laid
i'm doing what i was put here to do
and if i've touched your life...consider yourself lucky

i'm susan
   i'm a poet
and an artist

and i'm in love...

there is only me
in my life

i love me
want me
caress me
yearn for
me

if you
can give me
me

i will be with
you

for me
alone.

there's a void
in my soul
that i cannot
fill
the harder
i try
the emptier
i become
the emptier
i become
the more vacant
i seem
there is no one
not one
person
who understands
me
who sees
me
for what
who
i am
and it aches
me
knowing
my destiny

is to be
alone.

i miss having
   a him
     a someone
       a date

i miss saying
yes, we'll be there
or
i'll check with him and let you know

i miss having
hon, pick up milk
or
babe, what do you want for dinner

i miss having
a warmed up bed
an always available hug
and an ear to my whining

i miss
a partnership
a twosome
a gossip buddy

i miss
making love in the AM
holding hands on the street
and a look of comfort
in a room full of strangers

i miss
the mister with missus
husband and wife
husband, wife and son

but most of all

i miss you.

another night
going home
alone
but
by choice
i observe you all
   bickering
     watching
      not trusting
going home in anger
to wake up with dread
why go through it
   i wonder
i know i have done the same
in the past
and i question why
why do we put up with unhappiness
just to claim being
coupled
doesn't make sense
to me
but
if you're accepting of it
go for it
but me
i'll settle with
going home alone.

skip through me
and pass
don't offer me hope
with a willful glance
i won't reciprocate
i won't respond

the love i seek
is buried deep
within myself

and that is the hardest love to find.

i see colors of
blue
    gold
      black
          white
and red
flashing through my brain
vaulting against my head
a thunder of pain
searing
kneading it's fingers throughout my skull
   squeezing
until i am numb
and fall face down on my bed
exhausted
   spent
this mirage of agony
   over in hours
but wearing me out
for days.

removing my head
i toss it back and forth
from hand to hand
spinning it easily
   on one finger
doing a loop de loop
   under one leg
   through the other
settling on dribbling it
along the floor
before tossing it to you
which you catch and drop kick
into the nearest wastebasket.

once again
you win.

why is it
that more people are bothered
by my relationship status
then i am?

i like being alone
but something tells me i shouldn't
i do not want to cave
and become what is expected
which is so far from what i want
the tug of war inside of me
    is exhausting
for when i think i've finally found
       peace
the other half wants normalcy
which is so far from what i want
the sordid looks tell me
     silly isn't good
the grunts and head shaking tells me
   weird isn't accepted
and the admonishment tells me
   i'm really not loved
           or am i
what really worries me, though
   is my own doubt
of what i'm feeling in my heart
           to be true to self.

being battered emotionally
time and time again
has taken it's toll

becoming bitter
and unlikable
is not my chosen route
   but an established one
something i've accepted
   with open arms
     and a needy heart

you've throttled my compassion
to the point i feel
drained of goodness

no one understands
no one can relate

and i'm viewed as ugly
   mean
     disrespectful
      and cruel

     10 seconds
one derogatory remark
     and you've ****** the life out of me
once again.

i apologize for the foul language


wow, what a beautiful sunny day
hmm, i have a taste for a piece of chocolate
alright! not much traffic
i want a piece of chocolate
awesome! a parkin' spot right in front
i really need a piece of chocolate
yes! boss isn't in yet
i have to get a piece of chocolate
another plus, not too much on the agenda today
where is that piece of chocolate i had in my desk
computer on, ready to chocolate
******* it! who took my piece of chocolate
where's those *chocolate papers
mother *******, i'll **** whoever took
my last ******* chocolate!
why is that phone chocolate?
if i go to that ******* machine and
there's no effin' chocolate somebody's *** is chocolate!
would somebody please answer that dang chocolate!

chocolate

i have no change for chocolate
who's got change for a chocolate?
somebody gimme 4 chocolates for a chocolate
so i could please get chocolate!?

chocolate

i'm going to chocolate so i could get a... chocolate

c h o c o l a t e

i don't notice people much
                           anymore
they've become a blur
in the landscape i pass
while driving
   or walking
      or taking a train
collaged into one
      dreary mass
of blended colors
without definite shapes
bobbing with the bumps in the road
swaying this way
         then that
subtracting a black mass
   which is replaced
    with a greenish shape
that curls delicately
   around a brown one
again
& again

arriving at my destination
feeling i've traveled to it
   quite alone.

looking hard
i don't know what i see

i have an imagined image of
smooth lines
warm colors
blended tones
   adding depth
& beauty
i can envision that when i squint

but wide eyed and aware
i see something unfinished
harsh lines stopping abruptly
colors that clash
unbalanced features
an incomplete likeness
to what i've conceived

i've become the frankenstein
of my fabricated reality.

forced love
isn't love
giving what you got
and not getting back
throws the answer in your face
you cannot make it happen
you cannot prove them wrong
they know
just as you know
what is
and what isn't
you need to accept that
you need to move past that
let it be
calm yourself
because
where there is one
there is another.

changing directions
midlife
is a scary thought

but when things become too tedious
   too boring
    too predictable
i think the choice is obvious

taking a chance
and embracing
the pounding of my heart
as a sign of anticipation
   instead of fear
gives me the courage i seek
to welcome something new.

i flip through
the kaleidoscope of dreams
that are stored in my head
looking for the one
that generates the minimalist of pain
convincing myself
that if dreams truly come true
this one would produce
the least damage.

at long last
he sings a song for me
sweet
   gentle
     caressing
i watch and i am enraptured
   by the melody
each strum of the guitar strings
   quicken my heart a beat
every note he sings
feels like soft breath against my neck
   making me woozy

he glances up, catches my eye
   and winks

i am doomed.

all this talk of love
want
need
lust
crying for
begging for
humbling oneself for
a look
a touch
attention
just a little
maybe a lot
something
anything
now
or later
but soon.
for life
is all about
love.

mouths
clamped shut
for fear of
humiliation

a brain that pops
with thoughts
unprojected

the solidness
of being
threatened
with destruction
by unbelieved
proclamations
of truth

this world
   our world
      your world
faced with
predictions
of destruction
because leaders
chose to follow
and followers
chose
a zipped
upper lip.

i want to live in my imagination
amongst the people and things
that are perfect in my mind

i will laugh with the silly
dance with the agile
walk with the inspired
and swim with the buoyant

i will talk with the wise
sing with the melodic
and paint with the most artistic

i will make love to the sensual
and i will hold hands with the one
who was cut perfectly for me
by my ingenuity

yes, i want to live in my imagination
where everything is structured perfectly
just for me
                  by me.

laughing and singing
     dancing
swaying to the music in my head
living in my world
the most comfortable world
       just me
dancing naked
amongst wildflowers that bow
to my every move
applauding me and urging me on
smiling up at me with yellowed faces
       purple
  blue
            pink
    and green
so so much green
the preferred currency color
of this world
             and that
being thrown at me
for my performance
the wind whistling
        in appreciation
and i fall exhausted
upon a bed of blossoms
bumble bees
             buzzing around my face
covering it with pollinized kisses
smiling i fall into a deep, deep sleep
dreaming of fantastical adventures
              and handsome paramours

this is my world
                        welcome to it.

looking around this square room
silently observing
end to end
corner to corner
measuring the width
the depth
with my eyes
of what i call
'my peaceful place'
it looks like me
   smells like me
but there is still something missing
i can't put my finger on it
but i can feel it
in how the room echos slightly
when i cough or sneeze
it brings a coldness to it
it doesn't feel exactly right
what can i bring to this place of solitude
that will warm it
give it that womb-like feeling
i want to feel hugged when i enter
wrapped in the cozy warmth of comfortableness

i've got some thinking to do...