grazing through words
i am distracted
after the first sentence
i am not thrilled
i am not awakened
i am bored
with the trivialities
of the normally written
verse.


a broken heart
a good poem
does not make.

i get sick of the pathetic outpouring of
undying love
the pitiful begging
to someone
who doesn't give a ****
how can rejection
reduce a once self-possessed
                    someone
into
a spineless, slithering, mindless
                     coward
whose obvious outcome
is of being smeared
on the pavement of love.

if i blow hard enough
can i rid myself
of whatever affliction
clouds my judgement
and shadows my insight?

if i thump my chest hard enough
will i jump start my heart
to feeling once again
the love i know is there
   somewhere?

if i write long enough
will i finally convince myself
of my talent
   and creativity
and become accepting
of that truth?

and if i think hard enough
will i find within me
thoughts of certainty
   and bliss
unscathed by my relentless feelings
of uneasiness and worry?

the calming of these universal questions
are what i seek.

i look for you
     always

     i’ll catch a flash of you
in the dark shadows
of a smokey bar
     or hear the scuff of your boot
on the beer soaked floor
     or the glimpse of black leather
as a door slowly closes

     i smell the aroma of you
while entering a book store
following it towards
the mysteries and horror
only to have the scent fade
somewhere between self help
and biographies

     i feel you
next to me in bed at night
spellbound by the very thought of you
aching to hold you
then saddened by the fact
that your side of the bed is empty

you've left me, i know
   and foolish, i may be
but it gives me comfort
   knowing you can arouse my senses
just by imagining you're still around.

coaxed towards
undesirable territory
she follows
playing along
wondering
curious
realizing
astonished

the fingers are pointed
at her
accusing eyes
bewildered faces
exclamations of
it was you!

thoughts of explanation
bubble towards
her lips
but she hesitates
   holding herself
looking towards
the one
she thought she knew
knowing
she has been
betrayed
and the words
choke
in her throat
for she knows
whatever explanation
whatever truth
she may bring forth
   isn't enough
to convince
the
ignorant.

i can yell the loudest
   should i prove it
i can laugh the most boisterous
   should i prove it
i can cry intensely
   should i prove it
i can love the deepest
   should i prove it
i can hurt immensely
and i think you've proven *that

i think of you
you're not around
i forget about you
you're there
the more i want
the less you give
the less i give
the more you want
i'm desperate
you're not
i'm satisfied
you're desperate
up
down
up
down

i'm tired

i give up

you win

but it seems

we've both lost.

if i don't wake up tomorrow
   i'm cool with that
i'll accept my fate
i know i've tried my best
for me
   for you
but you'll miss me
   i know
i don't think you can handle me
   not being around
and i can't do that to you
i've got too much to show you yet
too much to teach you
when you show me you're okay without me
   then
and only then
will i move on
so, i guess
   no
i'm not okay with not waking up
i will wake up
and i will continue to show you
how not to live your life
by continuing to live mine
exactly the way i have been.

you will find me
if you look real hard
i may be the one just around the corner
or the shadow you see
in the plate glass window
maybe it's me
behind the recently closed door
or the one that just said goodbye
to the lady selling flowers
but don't doubt it
i am here
look hard enough
and you will find me.

this gnawing ache
eating at me
blurring my vision
blocking out all emotions but
anger
disgust, annoyance, irritation
my mind travels a path in a frenzy
and my composure is pulling away from me
far, far, away
control is just beyond my reach
i am chasing it now
desperate
it is so close i can feel it
i take a long, deep breath
and self control begins to circle me
i close my eyes and start to feel peace
breathing out the fury flows from me
like the white tassels of a dandelion
catching the wind and disappearing
and all is calm once again.

she would allow herself
one teardrop
for her broken heart
one
she would store it in a vial
worn around her neck
and when people would ask
what it was
she would reply
*the hangover of my broken heart.

lying, in the dark
staring at nothing
but seeing it all

clarity has always been there
just look
do not force -
accept

acceptance
forgiveness
a willingness to let go
this will bring peace
this will provide answers

letting go may be hard
but letting go is sometimes
necessary for internal harmony.

restlessness
combating with my head
fighting for sleep
but losing the battle
a struggle of wits
a fight of strengths
keeping me awake
with flip flopping thoughts
bouncing off my mind
broadcasting a fireworks display
inside my skull
sweet slumber
i call to you
come rescue me
from this circus that's keeping me awake
feed me your elixir
and bring me into a sweet delusional state

i don't want to be bothered
      by mediocre
show me weird
        and we'll talk.

so many loud yelps
barking voices
clacking at each other
believing that their ignorance
and unabashed rudeness
will get results

   hurray for the strong shouldered
head held high
who ignore such brazen brashness
of the moronic

   bravo to you
that can stop an imbecile
dead in his tracks
by a stone cold
   even gazed
     eye meet eye
stare  

stopping the foolish without uttering a word.

you can't summarize me
for you don't know me

i won't allow it

i give only so much

i will not show weakness
     i won't shed tears
or beg for a hug
     i won't cry
    after your proclamation of hate  

no matter how hard you pull
you cannot bring me down

the dirt you sling
                     the pity you seek
cannot touch me

you're becoming desperate
and in desperation
you will fail

and you will be alone

and all i had to do
                was
nothing.

begging for understanding
without saying a word
reaching for an illusory hand
feeling an ethereal embrace
holding onto illusive happiness

all in my imagination

my mind is full
   and time is lost
i'm here
   wishing i were there
it's morning
   but oh, how i crave the night
bright sunshine
   yet i yearn for clouds
      cry for rain
bodies rushing about
   and i shake my head
      at their uselessness
words crashing into each other
   senseless but sensible
        to me
comfortable in my solitude
   not asking or expecting companionship
anytime soon

seclusion keeps me safe.

i can never see myself
devoting my whole being
   to one person
i don't consider that
selfish
i consider that
being true to          me
   me
           me
   me
and me.
i am devoted
to the one person
i can truly count on...always
                
whether i'm
                happy
    sad
                         discouraged
         *******
          dislocated
disassociated
                      ­    bored
  uncaring
                                thrilled
  t­urned on
turned off
                  willing
               or able
it's all about                    me
          me
   me
             me

and me.

be true to yourself.

i'm looking at my heart
through blurry eyes
confused
by the lack of pumping
   red blood
the lifeline is missing
instead i see stone
   hard
i can toss it
like a baseball
waiting for the crack
   the connection of wood
   to rock
that sends it sailing
out of the ballpark.

i don't want a 4am phone call
asking for help

i don't want the crying
the begging
the accusations
thrown at you
but effecting me just the same

i don't want that sunken heart feeling
while answering a call i have always dreaded

i don't want to see you
in a state
of belligerence
incoherent
combative and drunk

i thought i was through with all that
once you left

i can't help you anymore
you chose to grow up
and move out
you said 'it was time'

yes, you have moved out
but you are far from grown up.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”*

i toss in restless sleep
and wake with pain in my heart

the lifelong fight i have fought
   for a love never given
is coming to an end

i have not won
   nor lost
but come to accept what is

i'm left with a sadness...
   but also deliverance
from the constant need of approval
that would never have come.

looking at the people around me
are they really so happy
   joyful
   at peace
do they not have worries
   discontentment
   disarray
   uneasiness
   cold sweats
   hard hearts
   disgusting habits
   habitual consistencies
   cheating minds
   adulterated souls

or is it only me?

if i slip on a banana peel
will you be the one to catch me before i fall
or the one eating the banana and laughing?

...will an umbrella
protect my head
from the idiocies
of stupid people?

no, not this time
you will not eat me up
you will not tear me down
i am better than that
i am better than you
no, not this time

approaching the day
with a great anticipation
of good times
and laughter
starting out with a glass of wine
taking it slowly
feeling a lightness in spirit
and promise
desire, maybe
nothing too extreme
holding onto certainty
welcoming the concrete assurance
of merriment

you brought her down
with a word
     and a stare
and with that
you twisted her tortured heart
into black silence
destroying any chance she ever had
of feeling loved

a succession in pain
administered by a coward.

i write
because i can
i read
because i desire dreams
i hope
because it's all i have
i don't give up
because i don't know how
i love
because of you
i live
because you need me

i live
because i need you.

i won't tire you
with my constant woes
and misdemeanors
i won't burden you
with my worries
i won't squash you
with my unending need
of confirmation
i won't use you
as a sounding board
i won't turn to you
for comfort
that is short lived
i'll forget you
i'll pretend you don't exist
   instead
i'll pack away all my troubles
into the suitcase of my mind

lazy and listless
frumpy and bumpy
   and tired
it takes my all to slip on a pair of jeans
   depressed?
i don't think so
uninterested...more like it
    unimpressed
      bored
         and tired
sleepy tired
tired of the monotony of things
   tired of the same old faces
and the same old voices
talking about the same old ****

UGH!

*"...there must be some kind of way out of here..."

walking deserted streets at night
wondering
where you are
what you're doing
who you're with
do you think of me
me, that freak you once knew
me, the one you didn't understand
me, the unlikable
the unknowable
the unwanted
me
just me
without you
to make me feel
freakish
misunderstood
disliked
rejected
just me
without you
to make me feel
not like me

i've been added
to the labels of
obscure
obstinate
and obsolete
and i acknowledge
the judgement
with excitement
anticipation
and acknowledgement
of what i've known
all along.

the serenity
is what brings me back
year after year

not listening but hearing
the peaceful sounds
of the lake
brings a tenderness to my heart
an uncomplicated feeling
   of just being

looking out across the water
filling myself up
with the sheer wonderment
   of all that is before me
takes me to another level
   of myself
where i am
all accepting
of what is offered to me
   non questioning
    accommodating
     gullible

breathing deeply
i blanket myself with
the pure, unassuming, welcomed
intensity
of sheer happiness.

look to the sky for answers
breathe in the breath of the wind
and wallow in its calming medicine
hug nature
grasp all you can
from the greens and browns
of the outdoors
to what the wilderness truly is...
   a stairway to heaven
when you're feeling frazzled
take a breath
close your eyes
and sit in the middle
of a field of wildflowers
and exult in the wondrous beauty
and the freedom of nature.

i remember the joking
   the sarcasm
and the solitude

    and your confusion...
   ... with me

and your disappointment
or so you once said
it started and ended there, though
   with that one statement
you weren't hurtful
i don't think you wanted that
and it did make me sad
but it also made me love you all the more

that was you
             one statement
said and then put aside
which had a bigger impact on me
than anyone else has had since

i am you

in my joking
   my sarcasm
and especially my solitude
of which i don't know whether to thank
or curse you for

i do miss you
   your intelligence
         your poise

and your love, dad
i miss that most of all.

i feel you with me
especially when i'm blue
i remember
the simple words you offered
that told me you cared
i know it was difficult
for you, sometimes
showing compassion
   encouragement
     love
but i never doubted it
and i always, always felt it
my hurt was your hurt
my desperation was your desperation
my happiness blazed in your eyes
i will never be loved like that again
i will never feel as secure as i did with you
i miss you, dad
i miss your solidness
your quiet
the comfort i got
when you reached for my son

yes, the good die young
   and you...
you were one of the best.

holding on tightly
not wanting to give up
not wanting to give in
pulling
struggling
to keep a grip
loosening
becoming unsteady
feeling a slight release
shaking
trembling
losing control
then stubbornly letting go

and finally
finally
i have set myself free.

exist
in this moment
don't look forward
don't wander in the past
live and
let your life happen
then and only then
will you attain peace.

guilt is overrated
so too is an overactive conscience

to be burdened emotionally
with another's cruelty
is ludricous

independence of a warped mind
is attainable
necessary
for spiritual freedom

i see you
at the end of my rope
waiting patiently
for me to fall
open arms ready
head full of ideas
desperate to save me
although i didn't ask
to be saved.

i write to remember
i write to forget
i write to remember to forget
or to forget to remember

i write when i'm sad
i sometimes get sad when i write
i write when i'm angry
i write when i'm drunk
i try writing when i'm sober
but those poems sometimes stunk
(i'm sober now...)

but i rarely write when i'm happy
probably because i despise
cutesy, flowery, happy go lucky
"roses are red,
your love is my greatest joy"
types of poetry...

but, hey, that's me...

lonely women
aloof men
denying needs
that are readily available
...just because

so many games are played
over and over
   and over
     and over
again
to save face

no, i will not accept you
because you are the first
let me play the field a bit
   sleep around a little
      test the waters
and maybe
and i stress maybe
when i'm done
if your'e still around
i might give you
another chance

because, after all
it takes a long, long
long, long
time
to find
      happily
             ever
                after.

i loathe
long, sappy,
poems of love

the thrumming heart
set ablaze
by a woeful look
and predictable
exclamations
of desire...

                bore me

the
'can't live withouts'
           and
'without you i'm nothings'
make me want
to puke

i don't care about you

and
the all you've given

the trust that was tampered with?
   your fault

the constant lies
   your stupidity

the unfulfilled need
   could've been sought elsewhere

and that hole in your heart...
could've been filled by you
           a long
    time
ago.

i want to be creative
in what i do
always
the way i talk
   the way i write
         draw
              think
        exist
creativity lives in me
but sometimes
   sometimes
i push too tightly
to keep the door closed
and then i am lost
so why
   why
do i suppress it?

after all this time
you would think
i would know
how to free myself

walking along an empty road
that's endless
swimming in a sea
devoid of surf
lighting a fire
that will not burn out
climbing a mountain
that has no peak
soaring through a universe
that lacks gravity
these things ignore time
are unmeasured
infinite
these things possess the feeling of freedom
something we all seek
something we all need
something we all should have
without trying

feeling your breath
upon my neck
i urge my eyes to close
as i picture the you
i've imagined
in my dreams

as your breathing grows more intense
i'm lost in a fantasy
of pretend love;
picturing daisies
and blue skies
gentle rains
and swaying trees

and later, as you lie close to me
softly snoring
i imagine that happiness
fills my weary heart.

riding the highs
coasting through the lows
feeling comfort in both

experiencing the bad
to appreciate the good.

we are born wanting
   needing
expecting
                something
   anything
that will fill the emptiness
the emptiness of hunger
  of comfort
security
we immerse ourselves
in the warmth
of our mother's arms
we are cradled
and soothed
until we feel secure enough
to drift
               knowing
that when we awake
those same, soft arms
will be there to hold us
assure us
that we are loved
taken care of
protected

and then life pushes us away
away from the protection
and security
of all that we have known
since birth

and we are left stranded

alone

and longing for the comfort
of those strong arms
that soft voice of reassurance
that we have come to crave

but

we must be strong
we must embrace our independence
we must take all that we've been taught

and let go...

freeing ourselves

and at the same time
allowing ourselves
to offer protection
   and love
to what that has yet
to come.

walking
my mind scrambled
the swirling of my thoughts
make me dizzy
unstable
light headed
i try so hard
to get a grip
but the anxious hand
that grips my heart
is too strong
it squeezes
squeezes
and my breath catches
i stop
to calm myself
close my eyes
breathe in 2...3
out...2...3
and opening my eyes
i am greeted with life
life
life!
LIFE!!

and i decide
at that moment
to live
again.