i have the urge
to walk into a bar
grab a barstool
order a beer
and join in some good o'l boy conversation...

does that make me less of a woman?

you
ya, you
blockin' my way
in the ******* car
the gas guzzler
with the loud music
and crazy laughter
head swayin'
dreadlocks swingin'
smoking somethin'
a cigar
cigarette
blunt
who knows
who cares
move out the way foo'
i mean
i dig the music
the dreads
yeah
but **** man
i gotta get on
i'm inna hurry
so move your ****** car!

you're a cute face
with a ****

i'll lead you into my depths of despair
  if you'd like
let me show you the darkness
   as i see it

i'll offer you my pain to feel
and have my teardrops fall upon your face
so you can experience the burning
sadness that accompanies me always

reach in and grab the strong fingers of despair
   that grip my heart
    and leave me suffocating

so then maybe
    maybe
you'll understand me
a bit more.

you offer yourself
to me
and as tempting
as it may seem
i balk
at the suggestion.

you will move
among fields of grain
your limbs craving
the soft touch
of whispered grasses

you will dance
the dance of unbridled
happiness and enraptured joy
closing your eyes
to an imagined peacefulness

love surrounds you

peace reaches for you

you ache to be fulfilled
harmonized
sustained
within a fortress
of unblemished
union

movements smooth
objective solidified
freedom from interference

obtained.

i've been praying to god
even though i question  his existence
but i need something
      someone
to call upon
   sometimes
i had avoided him for a long time
refused to acknowledge
any truth in the
                actuality of a god

        and i am still skeptical

but there is a comfort
in feeling a bit spiritual

and it is nice knowing
that there may be someone
        something
that's watching out for me

even if it is myself.

i am holding on
so tightly
to what
i haven't decided yet
just holding on
gives purpose
a reason
something to show
to the other
holders on
see?
i'm like you
i can hold on too
just to be
like you

aren't we all pathetic?

romance & love
   holding hands
wandering eyes
   stealing kisses
unanswered calls
laughing at unfunny jokes
canceled dates
smiling when you want to puke
hurtful words
cringing at a touch
crying alone
old photos moved to drawers
single
winking at the sun
free
   the end
     it feels good.

i grieve almost daily
for the girl i once was

losing yourself
grips your soul
like a predictable
death.

i'm humbled being here
and i'm not sure why

i'm visiting
so i'm allowed
   right?

   so many
the stones seem to go on forever
and i dare not step on one
   no
that would be disrespectful
   inconsiderate
so i walk around
  sometimes hop
if it's last minute

and i find him

here
   alone
  a grey stone
     a military stone
a proud army man
but how proud can you be
   after the fact
i clean it up
   the stone
brush off the dirt, dried leaves
   so i can look

   and i look

reading his name
my heart skips a beat
    my throat constricts
my stomach hurts

i miss him
       my dad
i surely, truly
unapologetically
   miss him

but it doesn't really matter, does it
he's not coming back
   he's gone

  and i'm left here
to figure things out by myself

and it hurts.

he looked up at me with pleading eyes
rheumy eyes,
while his breath came out in short huffs
and puffs
i looked down at his hand
and it was shaking slightly
i reached to grab it
but stopped myself

looking at this man
he was hardly the beast of the past
the dark, sinful eyes
were blank
the mouth that uttered profanities
and evil laughter
was silent
the hands that triggered so much pain
were weak and still

here lay a stranger
feeble
old
powerless
begging me for mercy
asking me for forgiveness
willing me to set him free

i bent down lower so we were face to face
gazing intently into his eyes
looking for some truth
trying so hard to find sincerity
trying so very hard to find love
just a small trace
a hint of...

i took in the vacant stare
the emptiness behind it
and shook my head

when i stood up and started towards the door
i heard him whimper quietly
i hesitated
then continued on

it wasn't enough.

i don't want something
that rhymes
what i want is a few words
that cause goosebumps.

i used to love hearing
my grandmothers laugh
i tried everything i could
to get her to smile
her heart was full
   close to bursting
with the love she felt
no unkind words
escaped her lips
and she listened with an intensity
that burned through her eyes

since she's been gone
i have yet to feel
another love like that.

standing alone
in the deep valley
i am carpeted by the dust
   of bygone days

memories float past me
   dissipating before my eyes
as my hands grasp vainly
   desperately trying to hold on
to just one small granule
   of an almost forgotten
past.

grab a stick
and set it aflame
wave it in front of your face
and imagine you are in hell
close your eyes
to feel the heat
   steady
     steady
don't bring it too close
for if you end it like this
you'll be facing the real thing
baby.

the rain pings against the drain pipe outside my window
my mind floats in a universe i do not understand
i am feeling guilt i have no control over
i have done no wrong yet i am burdened
the world around me is grey
   am i sick?
     am i tired?
have i really been given a life i can control?
do i really have that much power?
i want to embrace happiness
grey has become tiring
the rain nourishes, promotes birth, allows growth
if i can only accept that

outside the window
   life goes on
birds fret about
people are rushing to appointments
there's laughter
there's comical banter
there's serious discussion
being on the inside
looking out
brings me an even deeper sorrow
makes me question why i chose isolation
if isolation causes me so much pain.

grey skies
feed the grass
    & expand the earth
          which swallows seeds
for splashy blossoms.

you ******* away
with your silliness
your laughter
tickles me
makes me forget what i was mad about

i hate when you do that

to blame
to not claim responsibility
   is a cowardly act
to hide behind a lie
   is the undermost form
to witness
an undeserved punishment
while slinking back
into the dark
   is reprehensible
a betrayal of character
to defect for personal gain
   there's nothing lower.

his eyes were like silk
brushing softly on my face
leaving me dreamlike

a bright sunday morning
brings the crashing awareness
of the overindulgence
of the night before.

the aftermath of a night out
follows me for days

everything appears too lucid
like a Dali
dripping slowly
and eventually puddling on the floor
i'm being pushed through crowds
that give me ***** looks
frowning at my disposition
like it's my fault
sloshing about in this liquid tomb
that fills my head with the boom
                           boom
              boom
          of rock n' roll
and shot glasses hitting the floor

grant me sleep
or give me death.

i've pushed you over
the edge of reason
and while desperately hanging on
you look up at me
and smile.

to one day become me
to shed my layers and not squirm in my nakedness
to be able to shout in honest joy at what i see
to look at you and smile, sardonically, aware of what you've tried to do to me
and to know, that you have lost
and i have won.

she stands startled
from the blow of feelings
that hit her
   hard

this man

this person

a simple living soul
has helped her discover
the beauty of just
being

she feels a thrill
at waking
a comfort
that cradles her
as she drifts to sleep

her days are long
but filled with an anticipation
of more

the pores
of the universe
burst in exclamations
of joy

smiling is
normal
a permanent grin
plastered to her face

the skip in her step
in not imagined

true
   everlasting
      perfect
love

has found her

and the suffocating passion
she clings to
will be her
downfall.

you
skipping towards me
with arms opened wide
   smiling

then tripping over a rock
and smashing your face into the earth

and i laugh
       and laugh
            and...

the father's arms
hold the girl close
he feels her weak heartbeat
against his chest
in his mind
he is desperately seeking
for help
   an answer
   some advise
   a sign of reassurance
               that this child
   will be okay
that this creature
    a part of him
a living being that he helped create
will survive this
she must pull through
she has to
for without her
he has no purpose
no reason
her life was planned
   mapped out
in his soul
years before
since the very beginning
of him
without him there would be no her
but without her
he also, will cease to exist.

the moon hangs
steady and bright
in the dark sky
night animals
   moan
cradling its power
   creeping
in ****** agony
desperately seeking
to be consumed
by something lesser,
   powerless,
     but potent

the hunt continues
deep into the night
   moonstruck
until carnal hunger
is satisfied.

this is an emotionally thick day
in a way that it feels like i am
pushing, digging, burrowing
just to get through it.

he was 65, his wife was 66, had
Alzheimer's disease.

he had cancer of the
mouth.
there were
operations, radiation
treatments
which decayed the bones in his
jaw
which then had to be
wired.

daily he put his wife in
rubber diapers
like a
baby.

unable to drive in his
condition
he had to take a taxi to
the medical
center,
had difficulty speaking,
had to
write the directions
down.

on his last visit
they informed him
there would be another
operation: a bit more
left
cheek and a bit more
tongue.

when he returned
he changed his wife's
diapers
put on the tv
dinners, watched the
evening news
then went to the bedroom, got the
gun, put it to her
temple, fired.

she fell to the
left, he sat upon the
couch
put the gun into his
mouth, pulled the
trigger.

the shots didn't arouse
the neighbors.

later
the burning tv dinners
did.

somebody arrived, pushed
the door open, saw
it.

soon
the police arrived and
went through their
routine, found
some items:

a closed savings
account and
a checkbook with a
balance of
$1.14
suicide, they
deduced.

in three weeks
there were two
new tenants:
a computer engineer
named
Ross
and his wife
Anatana
who studied
ballet.

they looked like another
upwardly mobile
pair.

you came to me
   again
just like i've dreamed
but i was stunted
   stopped
for i knew it was wrong
for me to welcome you
   so i didn't
and now i'm left wondering
if i did the right thing.

i watch you walk away
leaving a grey cloud
in your wake
as the heals of your boots
scrape the dusty road

and my last memory of you
   is lost
           in a puff of smoke.

you're the positive one
or so you try and prove
plastered smile
flippant ways
but you haven't mastered
the concealment of your eyes
truth bursts from them
the sadness
   and anger
the insecurity
   and need

and the hurt
the hurt is most obvious

let the tears flow
let them wash away the falseness
know no shame
in being less than perfect
for less than perfect
is perfection at it's finest.

i like it that he keeps my mind
   occupied
i like it that he's here
   for now
i like the plans
i dig the compliments
i can't wait for the touch
but there's something nagging at me
   pulling my mind into the realization
that this may just be
another huge disappointment.

the truth is thrown at me
like a discarded
*** of paper
missing the target completely
but the point is made.

wind and rain beat
against mostly black cloth and exposed faces
occasionally a sniffle or quiet sob
could be heard
trees have been stripped of leaves
and mud replaces grass
in patches where sodden feet have dragged
if the day had been sunny
the mood would've been the same
a stillness seemed to surround the box
a sort of peace
but most couldn't see that
or feel it
they were too caught up in their own anguish
to understand the serenity of it all
he has finally gone home
he no longer feels pain
he no longer hopes for release
by freely going when he was called
he has liberated them
from their own pain
because of their love for him.

i'm easily bored
and dread monotony
the constant changing of things
                                   people
is necessary
    to keep me amused
     entertained
      enlightened
       stimulated
my senses need to appreciate
new things
  sights
  smells
  sounds
           touch

something for you to consider

for i don't want to corral you
with the mundane
                   and boring

i'd be forced to dismiss you
with a wave of my hand
while imagining a poem
of yet another
fallacious love.

do you want my coat, lady
would you like my shoes, mister
can i buy you a cup of hot coffee
    laced with bourbon, of course
actually
then you wouldn't need my coat
   or my shoes
for the warmth of the *****
will keep you comfy cozy
   and lost
in the hazy familiar
of an alcoholic mind
   you call home.

there is nothing sadder
than a person who has given up...
no hope
nothing to look forward to
no desire to care
no one to care about
feeling useless
helpless
at one with himself
no, there is nothing sadder than that.

sitting
contemplating
considering
what is
that what
that's in front of me
just doesn't jive
i want more
i deserve more
i've been promised
more
by me
as the years pass
i see my dreams
slipping away
following the unending
current of time
glancing back
with a wink
and a dejected nod
suggesting
time's up
how long
can a clouded soul
   a disappointed heart
continue to thrive
when all that's placed
in front of it
is more sorrow?

in the concrete jungle
only an artist
will find beauty
in rainwater flowing from a drainpipe
onto the cracked sidewalk.

again, i look for you
   amongst the faces

staring at shoes
   whips of hair
     sounds of laughter
but you still don't appear

where are you?

why won't you come to me?

what bait should i use to attract you?

i've tried being me
i've tried being someone else
   but nothing works

my expectations have reached their limit
i won't lower
and i can't go higher

i am teetering on the edge

one fall forward
and i will land alone
into the sea of lonesomeness

but if i stay solid
i am still alone.

it doesn't take much
to hurt me
but it takes a long time
for me to show it.

i don't like being angry
   or resentful
or at the mercy of the red rage
that builds inside of me

    but

when i feel you're hurting him...
   picturing your face
sits better with me
when i see hatchet buried
deep within it

   but

i won't let my revulsion
pull me down into the bowels
of your elementary like intelligence

nope

besides, if i do
i risk losing him

and no one is worth that.

sitting cross legged
on the floor
breathing in
                  breathing out
trying so hard
            so desperately
to erase you from my life
your dirt
has corroded my very soul
damage control is useless
so all i can do
is try to eliminate you now
before you cause me
further pain
so i continue to
breath in
            breath out
willing you to disappear
   with every breath.

his eyes were a ****** brown
like a million other eyes
                      before him
he was of average height
                  weight
slight bump on his nose
lopsided grin
would go unnoticed in a crowd

but when he opened his mouth

             wow

hearts melted
the populace swooned

and all his arsenal consisted of
was clever conversation.

sitting in a room
full of people
yet i've never felt so all alone.

one day
i'll be still
and accepting
of everything that's wrong
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll watch the chaos
and hurt
outside my window
and give a chuckle
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll gratefully accept my fate
with open arms
because
it never really mattered
anyway.