i enjoy my aloneness
i delight in the lightness
of my shoulders
i breathe in my liberation
of your worries
your stresses
your anxieties
your problems

away from you
i am free.

i will not allow myself to be tormented by guilt.

blending of emotions
internally
feeling the unsteady beat
of my heart
fighting a constant battle
of knowing what needs to be done
and having the courage to actually do it
longing for a simplicity of thought
dreading the complexity
that has become all too familiar
but knowing also, that i alone
have permitted this anguish
and that i alone have the power to diffuse it.

...i feel the solidness
of the day
holding me steady...

...until a strong wind
of memories
knocks me off
my feet.

all this loneliness
i read about
   witness
so many people
   crying for love
     craving it
       waiting for it
doing any thing to make it happen
but
ignoring the obvious
   standing in a crowded room
     walking overpopulated streets
       driving in snail paced traffic
not noticing
  not looking
  not knowing
that the love you seek
may be the person
standing close enough
to touch.

you must pull yourself up
from the depths of despair
   grab onto tar like walls
that make your grip unsteady
and force your way past
   and up
the slippery facade
of dark skepticism
and worry
slowly make your way
towards the point of brightness
above you
if you falter
   **start again
don't give up
   don't give in
and in time
   with determination
and a strong desire
you will reach
the illuminous expanse
of peace
   harmony
and self love.

you stand there
in the midst of an audience
that you always seem to draw
   animated arms
   loud voice
   obnoxious laughter
hurtful words
   as always
using the vulnerable
as your verbal punching bag
   the skinny pock marked guy
with the stutter
   the shy girl
with thick glasses
and stringy hair
the plump jolly man
who enjoys to eat
                so what
but to you
they are targets
objects used to get your rocks off
the things needed
to further expand
your self identified
     power
morality?
     you have none
decency?
     absolutely not
courtesy?
respectability?
good manners?
compassion?
     unheard of...
no, you...
     you're a bully
but also, a shell of a man
that feeds on the weaknesses of others
an egotistical *******

but someday
you will meet your match
man
     or woman
who won't cower in your presence
who will expose you for the quivering idiot
that you truly are.

and that will be the one time
i will be part of the audience
   to watch.

i have a mixture of ingredients
in my head
which need to be blended together
to form one nice, big, tasty
exclamation
of pure bliss!!!!

lovely thoughts
fill my head
swarming
bumping
swaying
then settling
lying in wait
for the chance
to be
bellowed
exclaimed
and barked
at just the right
person
at just the right
moment.

i don't like people
questioning me
looking at me
quizzically
trying to figure me out

don't

there's no rhyme
to my reason
no "aha" moments
to be had

for...
there's no book
more open
nothing more readable
than me

so...
if you want to get to know me

just be

eventually
we'll find each other.

battered, bruised
   broken
distraught, anguished
  disillusioned
grabbing onto something
that just isn't there
don't you know that?
can't you stop yourself?
    give up
please
save whatever pride you have left
and move on
          to greener pastures
    brighter days
            well lit bar rooms
anything but what you're doing
quit imploring to be noticed
crying...
           ...that's for babies
    ball up
           man up
and go get yourself a real woman
for christ's sake!

2 young girls
meet by a locker
for the very first time
eyeing each other
suspiciously
exchanging hellos
giggling at a lame joke
comparing class schedules
agreeing to meet up
in gym class...

...and so begins a life long friendship.

strange bedfellows we do make
where have i heard that
but looking at you
next to me
              asleep
looking peaceful
i know that this is true
i wouldn't have picked you
   from a crowd
but you picked me
and i gave it a chance
out of loneliness, maybe
      ... feeling *****, quite possibly
and i'm glad i did
because strange can be good
when it comes to bedfellows.

my mind is a poetic jumble
of thoughts
desires
worries
problems
solutions
old loves
new loves
no loves
cash
having enough
not enough
where to get enough
too much work
too much play
boredom
sadness
contentment
sometimes i want to turn it off
sometimes i want to feel empty
sometimes i want to float away
away from all the bombardment
of words
like a helium balloon
going up, up, up
sailing, seeing everything beautiful
taking all the time in the world
remaining empty
and slowly losing that emptiness
starting to deflate
while drifting down, down, down
landing softly -  waiting for the words
to fill me up once again.

in my dream i am falling
my arms are desperately trying
to grab onto something
   anything
to help stop the descent
but i am in a free fall
twisting and turning
towards earth
riding vaporous clouds
that feed the plunge
with brisk tail winds

sensing the ground rushing towards me
i become calm
and allow myself to be taken
accepting what awaits me

awakening with a jolt
i realize the dream
and i am filled with a small sense of
sadness.

tossed towards what's right
but being pulled towards
what's wrong
shaking my head
to try and sort out
the correct answer to give
being glared at
with accusing eyes
but knowing in my heart
i did the right thing
i acted the right way
i've spoken all the right words
but those eyes
boring through me
coaxing
bringing forth
the answer they want to hear
but i hold my ground
i stand solid
and those ears have to accept
the idiotic truth
that is spoken
to them.

you struggle too much
for me to accept
that you are happy.

she stood watching him
  swinging slowly
     from side to side
his feet mere inches
   above the floor
she noticed his right shoe
       was untied
she bent down
and absently tied it
   gave his leg a little pat
looking up at his face
she realized he never looked
   so peaceful
she wiped away a teardrop
and put it to his lips
whispering
         good bye
as she heard
approaching sirens in the distance.

i met a man
i still don't know
who had a chip on his shoulder

i know where i stand
it's not up to me
to make you feel better

knock that chip off yourself.

strolling
through my mind
seeing the nothingness
  wondering where all my thoughts are
poking the grey
urging a response

   nothing

a mindless walk
lost in a vast void
   of emptiness.

happiness comes
   in fleeting moments
     that fly by too fast
and too soon

i'm never prepared
for a happy moment.

i've chosen to eliminate the color
that surrounds me
i want my world to be grey
   for now

   solitude

an encircling of woe
that reaches deep inside of me
embracing my heart with black fingers
and squeezing
    squeezing
deflating me
leaving me with nothing to feel
   nowhere safe to hide
enraptured in the uncomfortableness
of my own mind and body
my only choice is to give into my despair
and wait
wait
for the eventual brightness

give me a day full of sunshine and flowers
and i will show you the clouds
and the lone ****

a colored world of happiness
drenched in a permanent grey
that my mind cannot erase
has caused many lost years

i want to reach up, grab a cloud
      squeeze out the excess,
and use it to wash the dirt that clutters my mind
so i can see the blue
           green
    yellow
          red
    orange
and green

this self induced misery
is pathetic
    even for me

but amazingly
i find comfort in it.

i love the look of
a hard working man
   the sweat
    the grit
     the dirt
are a complete and total
   turn on
no shower is necessary
babe
just bring your filthy *** over here
and gimme some.

thoughts
              words
are spinning inside of me
not slowing
but easing enough
to let one
   or two
jump out
onto the paper
sometimes mixed up
                                and jumbled
to be rearranged by me
to make some sort of sense
   and project the translation
           i have within me
that's managed to escape
from an out of control brain.

"be happy!
don't be sad!"
sounds fine and dandy
but what if i'm happy
being sad?

sadness takes genius
to keep going
it isn't easy
holding a down turned
  smile
   wet eyes
     despairing demeanor
'woe is me' content
but i favor it
to the false bravado
demonstrated
by the eternally joyous
imitators

give me a good cry
compared to a forged belly laugh
after a lame joke
any day!

the emotions
of the day
bounce
bounce
bounce
inside my head
leading me to make
conclusions
that are palpable
slippery
unable to hold
onto
the bizarre thoughts
that consume my head
do
not
make
sense
but to me
at the time
they do
allowing me
to self destruct
and enjoying
every
last
minute
of
it.

blissfully
gliding along on a wave of listless thoughts
   smiling
lazily dabbing my fingertips
into the sea that's my mind

   suddenly
heedless thoughts of you
appear fractured in my head

i am rapidly caught up in a whirlpool
of indecisiveness
   chaos
     and dismay
to be eventually ****** down the drain
of total insanity

my brain
is bouncing
on the jungle gym of life
trying not to misstep
causing me
to land flat on my face.

do you ever look at a little kid
bouncing a ball
and just want to take that ball
and bounce it off his head?

no, me neither.

i've drawn an imaginary circle
                               around me
daring all to cross the line
and after crossing
                       daring again
to try and make me like you.

i'm breathless

searching for the mouth
that will connect
with mine

us both

inhaling deep
        exhaling out

offering a sense
                        of being

finding stable ground

by breathing
a common
breath.

my words
bounce off of you
like a balloon
bounces off a
child's fingertips

they don't phase you

i sometimes wonder...
do you even hear me
or do you chose to not listen

the breath i waste
could be better spent
on someone who craves
the oxygen
i give.

breathing you in
and hoping
it will give me the breath
i need to survive.

walking along
the cobble ****** street
i drop pieces
of my shattered dreams
to be swept up
by the street cleaner
and deposited
into a pile of *******.

winter
why so serious?

a sadness that overwhelms
    consumes
    engulfs you
       with intense suffocation
breath that emerges
in broken gasps
followed by a rainfall
      of unceasing tears
sleepless nights
eat-less days
   bleary eyed bewilderment
head squeezed vice like
with melancholy thoughts of what was
                  and of what can no longer be


heartbreak.

some friends are friends
at their convenience
   if bothered
they disappear
   but...
feeling needy
   they're like a moth
                      to flame
being pulled into the light
  of comaraderie
until the heat
becomes unbearable
and you're left alone
   with a shell
of what once was
   and hoping
for what may be.

...sleep
why have you abandoned me
when i need you most?
i beg for you now
or i will crave you even more
tomorrow
please come to me
  hold me
   comfort me

do this for me tonight
and i promise i will leave you alone
tomorrow.

can't you see that we are
tumbling through a tumultuous relationship,
free falling amongst gravity depleted plains
while
clinging onto an imaginary lifesaver of hope?

shroud in black
she stands looking down
into the dark grave
the casket is sprinkled with dirt
and slightly wilted flowers
she tosses a silver coin
             up
watching it flipping over & down
landing with a tink

heads or tails
she'll never know.

a bellows is used to fan the flames
and my eyes follow the sparks
as they circle into the night

the small girl is staring at me
and i give her a wink
but she turns away

a stray dog is sniffing the ground
hoping for any leftover meat
that may have fallen

i turn my head towards laughter
coming from one of the tents
followed by drunken singing

looking back towards the flames
i realize i am alone

the breeze sighing through the trees
makes my eyeslids heavy
and i allow myself to be embraced by sleep

a happy camper.

i give in to the sad people
   listening
nodding knowingly
pretending to understand
and realizing
my sadness is nothing
compared to what possesses them
i see glimmers of hope
   in a day filled with dread
i can control my tears
   when blasted with ignorant
                                    condemnation
and i can hold my own
when ridiculed, insulted
and debased
my sadness does not encompass
    nor break me
i don't seek pity
or cry for attention
my heart has survived being broken
and has toughened with time
i don't have a hand to hold
or a shoulder to lean on
but i am strong
             hard
       impenetrable

i think i've beaten sadness
   but in return
became a wall of lonely
            strength.

if you try to kick me when i'm down
i'm liable to reach out a hand
and pull your leg out from under you.

don't **** with me when i'm vulnerable

there's a man
walking the streets
holding an umbrella frame
(no umbrella)
and wearing a rumpled, tan overcoat
he wears galoshes
(didn't think people still did)
a battered cowboy hat
and nothing else

he whistles a tune that's not familiar
and smiles a toothless smile

his whiskers are coarse
his hair unwashed
and dirt cakes every crease on his body

but he smiles
a toothless smile
and whistles a tune that's not familiar

everything he owns
is carried in a black hefty
slung over his shoulder
he sleeps by the river at night
and relishes in the sunshine by day
he places an old tin top from a thermos
(which has long ago disappeared)
by his side
while he snoozes
and doesn't ask for a thing
but if he wakes
and sees his cup brimming with coins...

he smiles
a toothless smile
and whistles a tune that's not familiar

he feels his days are full
he is grateful for every minute
the river is his lullaby at night
the sun his companion by day
and when he thinks of how fortunate he is...

he smiles
his toothless smile
and whistles a tune that's not familiar.

the pigeons on my roof
make a soothing sound
between a purr
                    and a hum
   i like it

   the fluttering of their wings
the peck, peck, pecking of their beaks
searching for one more crumb

they keep my cat amused
   he's at the window
black tail swishing
eyes dilated with anticipation
making his small clucking sounds

cat and bird
   inches apart
one anxious for feathers to fly
the other only hoping for one last bit
of bread.

waves of nausea rip through me
when realizing the inevitable
fighting back the tears
that aren't of sadness
   but of desperation
and buckling under the weakness
of giving up
   deflated
i try clearing my head
to consider what went wrong
then slowly turn back to start over

i'll climb this mountain if it kills me.

a twisted, demented, psyche
tangled with obscene thoughts
producing a wild eyed look
that scares the unfortunate
                            who don't understand

uncontrollable twitches
wracking an untamed body
trying in vain
to suppress the brain
                spitting at a stranger instead

foul language
     unimaginable strength
       hurting without meaning to
                                                    embarrassi­ng the ignorant
being shunned
   ridiculed
     abolished

to live a life
of abandonment
and loneliness
all because of a warped
mind.

i talk a lot
i know that
one word answers
turn into lifetime stories
i am constantly explaining myself
   my actions
why i do what i do
why i think the way i think
i over analyze
   under estimate
don't take credit for
   but give credit to
speculate
   insist upon

and question

questions demand answers
and some answers require more questions
which present answers that just don't cut it
for me
so...

yes, i talk a lot
i know that.