thinking of you brings me no joy
where there was once cheer, now oozes doom
where i had once felt peace, a battle rages
cowardice overtakes courage
weakness destroys strength
ugliness replaces beauty
you hold the rope and tighten the noose until i start to fall
and i smile.
but you're not finished. no, not yet.
you release me. 'save her for another day'.
i have failed.
you have won.
but there's tomorrow, i will always have tomorrow.

this night
is lost in a winter wonderland
of hypocrisies
   and lies

a babe is being torn in two
by opposites
that know no better
other than what feels right
for them

false smiles
   and promises of love

offerings of
"if you need me, i'm here"
that aren't  honored

i've grown accustomed
to the falseness

i accept the dishonest
hugs of promises
that won't be kept
while offering the same

my back aches
my heart has grown wearier
   still
and i'm left here
with a baffled mind
and the realization
that family
doesn't live up to the hype
of what family
really is.

standing on the corner waiting for the light to change
i'm looking at this one, that one, the one over there
all these people, all these moving beings
walking, walking, walking,
talking, talking, talking
lost in oblivion
not paying attention
to me
to anyone
BUMP
i stumble, drop a book
not a glance
no apology
vessel of meat with arms and legs
no heart
no feelings
talking, talking, talking
what's so important?
did someone die?
.....
ah, you're meeting for drinks at 6
and you'll
walk, walk, walk
so you could
talk, talk, talk
to another
creature of habit
fun.

you crash into me
filling my body with yours
trying desperately to reach the highest of highs
while holding onto the need to stay grounded
and in control
           but losing it all in the end

collapsing

and satisfied.

his words strike me
with the bitterness of a winter wind
leaving me still
   and shivering
agonizing for the cloak
of strength
that will protect me
and cover me in warmth.

i touched a cloud today
just because
i think i startled it
because it began to sprinkle

your breath
on my skin
shatters me to pieces

I, as a whole
am gone
you've broken me
then look upon the mess of me
with a satisfied grin

as you turn to walk away
i know i won't be coupled
until the next time we meet...

...maybe.

crayon colored pictures
show the innocence
of childish art
giving colors
where none were intended
making happy faces
out of gloom
showing rainbows
in storm clouds
bringing to life
flattened outlines
on a simple page.

i cannot dream
when my thoughts
are stilted

my brain feels tilted
stemming rational thoughts
from flourishing

things around me
seemed blurred

my observances
are skewed

regular rights
are wronged

rational thoughts
confusing

i don't belong

and the comfort i feel
with that agreement
leaves me all the more

befuddled.

i find no honesty
    in a toothy grin
...no satisfaction
     in a winking eye
your words of worship
       nonsense
the flattery you toss
      ridiculous
your praise
           empty
your claim of undying love
           worthless

the day i see truthfulness in your stare
              feel true compassion within your arms
    then
               and only then
will i welcome you
into my untainted
                          embrace.

the once familiar
is no more
stumbling through
days
of unevenness
tripping over
invisible curbs
and taking a wild ride
on steady ground
the obvious
is unrecognizable
the comfortable
is foreign
the start of each day
presents new obstacles
and i feel like a new born
wet
soft
pliable
not the hardened shell
i've grown used to
this newness
i can't absorb
but i will try
and i will start over
each new day
embracing the obstacles
that offer me
new hope.

skip a rock
across the water
and hope for more than three
                                skips
but where does the last skip
   put the rock

spiraling towards the bottom
   of the lake
making snuffing the life
of an unsuspecting fish.

feelings of
excitement
engulf my being
while walking through forests
kicking brown, crackling leaves

ready and willing
is what i feel
yearning for opportunity
   hoping for satisfaction
      and settling on bewilderment

because confusion
keeps the mind young
and the heart
pumping.

my heart is mutilated
by self pity
squeezing the life out of me
with every breath
breath in
               breath out
in
    out
in...

letting it out
s
  l
   o
    w
     l
      y

i am rooted
                   for a second

but that's a start.

skipping through life
following the
ordinary
riding the waves
of normal
cashing in
on what's
expected
a life filled
him
      her
the added
              2.5
BA
BS
MD
   SUV
RSVP
        FYI
ASAP
AAA
AM/PM
ETC...
         DOA
A-list
who cares!!!
we are flesh
meat
bones
grey matter
that twists
turns
vibrates
to the emotions
that we feed
nurture
shape
mold
and           encourage

live it
love it

BE

i'm trying my damndest to see past you
'cuz i need to know what's pushin' you
i know and you know
you ain't that ballsy on your own
   so...tell me
what is it that pushes you
to get in my face?

the wall of strength i've built
     can be destroyed with just one look
       from you.

the harder i listen,
   wait,
and anticipate
the positive
to come through the door
eventually
             that door
becomes a wall
that keeps
   the positive
                       out

so...
    i'm attempting
   not to think
which i frantically
wrap my brain around
so that no thoughts
suddenly become thoughts
of what i'm trying
not to
think about.

light and loathing
statically intertwined
within a mind
exploding with insanity.

the ticking of a clock
   becomes unbearable
trying to direct my focus
to something else in the room
a fly buzzing at the window
makes me itchy
      which doesn't help
the    drip    drip    drip
of the faucet
soaks my brain
until i can hear nothing else
   neighbors laughing
          dogs barking
    a cars brakes screeching
the sounds of today
keep my sanity                    in
insanity
too much idleness
an overabundance of time
             alone
brings out the madness
   i am trying to conceal

but at the same time
i yearn for the world
                               to know.

the weather's getting nicer
so she'll be back
that silly woman
who walks, shaking her head
and talking to herself
cursing the air
giving *****,
and in her mind intimidating,
looks to passersby
who, in our small town,
have learned to ignore her
and she'll go away

but realistically
she's been gone
a long, long time.

the delusion starts
with the first gasp
of breath
being lead
with promises
false hopes
distorted possibilities
of a good
life
initiated love
sometimes ends
sometimes grows
into resentment
hatred
and the balloon
of life
pops
pieces
fall to the ground
being swept away
by the breath
of mere
existence
struggling
trying
so hard
to start over
looking
yearning
needing
    that first breath
to start clean
untouched
unbiased
unaware
but filled
with endless possibilities
of good
with the mind of an
innocent
who not knows
of bad

yet.

blown to pieces
by the utterance of one word
voiced from the swordlike mouth
of one i've adored
i stand strong amongst others
untouchable by many
   but you...
...you can strike me down
with a one syllable breath.

today, i'm within myself
looking out
and wondering
where exactly is that hand
that reaches out for me?

or have i slapped it away
so many times
they've finally given up?

watching you being lowered
i feel i'm going to retch
my mind has accepted it
by my heart cannot

you are too spirited to be confined
to a small wooden box

you use your hands way too much
when talking
to hold them still against your sides

what about your laughter?
...it's wide mouthed and loud
who can hear it when your'e closed in?

and your eyes
who will see the playfulness in them
if they're forever shut?

what about my son?
you haven't even played catch with him yet

and me...
who's going to love me as much as you did
if you leave me forever?

there are
too many people
voices that
cackle
cough
laugh
weep
yell
scream
beg
or cry

they are
constantly moving
walking
running
pushing
and shoving

STOP

i need silence
i am searching for quiet
peace
serenity
and stillness

direct me please
show me the way
tell me that i am not wishing for something
unreasonable
foolish
ridiculous
or strange

tell me i am not alone
tell me there are beings
like me
who search for uninterrupted silence
who need endless reassurance
of calm.

the line between want and need
becomes quite skewed
when love is thrown
into the mix.

can you listen
instead of speaking
your words
confuse me
blur my senses
the sugar coated
nonsense
that spits from your mouth
makes me cringe
listen
for a change
hear
what others say
ignore
all that you've been taught
          or not...
your'e a pattern
an assembly line
production
of monotony

different
seems funny
   to you
odd
seems an insult
weird
a joke

can i grab you?
squeeze you?
force common sense
to burst your seams?
and have the absurdity
that makes you

come apart
at the seams...

i woke up breathing in
   another day greeting
     me
my heart beating
   within me needing
     peace
my eyes pleading
   my arms retreating
     lost
my soul bleeding
   my spirit receding
     alone...

misleading dreaming.

everyone offers their idea of happiness
desirous to believe
                   that it is real
hoping beyond hope that they have found it
       knowing, but questioning
that they are different from the others
    playing a game
        assuming a character
while making others think
    that they are the anomaly
            of what truly is

there is no true happiness
                     no real satisfaction

     and accepting that?

the sooner the better

make due with what you have
consummate what is offered to you
live the life that you are comfortable with
without fears
without lies
without obstruction
and you too
can redefine
the definition of happy.

your wounded soul
peers through the mask you wear
that covers your heart

you cannot disguise
the pain you've endured
for i see it in your eyes

   this betrayal...
         it has hit you
like a left handed sucker punch
and has left you grasping
and pleading
for the surety
you've once felt.

(W) armth spreading through me
(I) gniting my emotions
(N) umbing just the right amount of brain cells
(E) ffortless effervescence

me
looking at your face
reading desperation
in every pore
seeing the regret drip down your cheeks
in the form of tears
i suspect anguish
in your quivering lips
and i sense the remorse
racing throughout your body
as you reach towards me
with outstretched arms
   i have to step back
   retreat
so as not to get ****** back into
your web of lies
once again.

the viscosity of my life
   offers me slim hope
     of treading through.

a denseness fills her
slowly gripping her insides
leaving her short of breath
she becomes weary
as the river of dread
engulfs every inch
of her being
her shoulders start to slump
and her head is filled
with imaginings
she cannot shake

when tears fill her eyes
it's like fuel feeding the flame
and
she knows her only option
is to ride it out

tomorrow will find her drained and empty
but grabbing in anticipation
and need
for a peaceful day.

high
then low
the confusing theory
in my mind
of what is
jumbled thoughts
of happiness
randomly pricked
with pain
and the desperate fight
with the darkness
that has vowed
to take over.

will you leave me
self loathing
disguising the image
i see in the mirror
extinguishing the hope
   it took me a lifetime
to build
with one glance
exhaustion envelopes me
the warmth of my bed beckons
to fill my head with the dreams
of how i want
my life to be
then awakening
to the reality
and disappointment
of how my life
actual is.

grab me
   you
take charge of my body
show me what it can do
   touch
     stroke
      caress
weaken me enough
until a contented sigh
of satisfaction
escapes my lips

to hurt so deeply
   being so young
is heartbreaking
to see

not wanting to live
   is unbearable
to witness

having no one
   and feeling so very alone
unsettles me

not seeing the good in life
and not having the strength
to try and seek it
   bothers me

but reaching out
  with a written voice
gives me faith
that there is hope.

a suffocating loneliness
greets me with the morning sun

the grip on my soul
does not lessen

trying shallow breathing
i'm desperate
to escape myself
but the intensity
does
not
ease

another day
feeling burdened
by what's inside
and the darkness
consumes all of me
once
again.

blow smoke in my face
i don't mind
i'm spineless
          needy

and you...

well...
you're very, very cute

so...

i'll take the smoke
   i'll giggle at your stupid jokes
     i'll come when i'm called
(and *** when you need it)
        i'll look up at you in awe
and count my blessings
because...
after all...
i have
               you
what more could a
homely
simple minded
desperate for love
inexperienced
wall flower
expect...

an ******* is better than nothing.

i can feel the broken hearts
all around me
i can sense that most
are unhappy -
discontent
why is that?
i wonder
with so much acclamation
of true, never ending love...
is it to not be believed?
do people hide behind their hurt and anguish
to put on a happy mask
of blissful contentment?
is that really necessary?
must we pretend?
can't we all expose ourselves
and show the world our raw
exposed nerves of unhappiness
and disgust?
can't we refuse to settle
for someone mediocre
and risk being alone
than to accept someone
who projects an outward appearance
of perfection for all to see,
but who in private
can be the worst beast any human being
can imagine?
this saddens me
this dishonesty with ourselves
this accepting the less
because being without
might project a less than perfect life
i truly believe in one true love
i truly believe we can all possess that one true love
if we would only allow ourselves the luxury of time
time to wait
and time to enjoy the journey towards finding
and then embracing
that one perfect love
that had been set aside for us
since the very beginning.

you plead for my friendship
with your worried eyes
but
desperation only
pushes me further away.

love lost
then found
desperate hands
groping in the dark
for something warm
settling
on a naked back
falling asleep
with a contented sigh

only to wake up
in a cold bed

alone.

a mind wasted away
memories that no longer exist
imagined stories
   and adventures
fabrication
   not lies
finding comfort
   within a hug
      that never was
knowing people
   you've never met
moving through the days
   on brainwaves of inebriated bliss
      and fantastical pain
meeting, for the first time,
   the face in the mirror
living a different life
                             every day...

a joy to countless
brings pain to some

it takes but one
to douse the happiness
   of many

...if you let it

hold onto the positive
extinguish the negative

don't let others fears
   & insecurities
tear down all that you believe
   all that you feel
     all that you love
just to salve a wound
that has been festering
long before
you became
     what you are today.

letting go
i see you drift away from me
getting smaller
and smaller
until you are nothing more
than a tiny speck
on the horizon
of my heart.

you
come to me
with the confusing
solidity
of
confidence.

******* away
   with a look
and liquify me
  with words

now that's
hot.

"you must know", he cried
"you must tell me the truth!"
his eyes begged, hers showed nonchalance
she slowly picked at a nail
his fists clenched tighter and tighter as the moments passed
tick tock tick tock
"what must i do?", he begged.
she looked up, only slightly, and smirked
went back to her nail, shrugged
fists opening, closing, opening, closing
tick tock, tick tock
"please" he tried
she lifted her head slightly, a lock of hair hung over an eye, she slowly wetted her lips with her tongue
and then she smiled.
a victorious smile.
"please", he said quietly as his eyes followed her receding footsteps
tick tock, tick tock
slowly he unclenched his fists, his hands shook slightly
"but, i love you"
tick tock, tick tock