sitting in traffic
looking around me
   at all these people
     going with the flow
moving slowly forward
   or shooting frantically past
          in a hurry
or biding time
        waiting
to reach a destination
that puts them through the motions
of this mediocre thing
we all call life.

the end is within reach
close enough for me to touch
making my fingertips tingle
and my legs weaken
with the fatigue of
over-analyzation

it rips worries apart
in my already warped mind

the good becomes bad
and the bad dissipates
quickly
because i want so desperately
   to feel good
about considering the need
   for an end

but i'm held firm by chains of
cowardice
   guilt
     and a love
that just won't let go.

a love that's grown boring
two hearts...unattached
   wandering eyes
     watching with intense longing
a need that goes unfulfilled
   a want that becomes desperate
an act that cannot be reprieved
   a separation
a departure
the end of something
   at one time cherished
a new beginning
in the wrong direction.

quiet holds the end of the day
a stillness in the air
stifles the excitement that held us
just hours before
time to wind down
turn on the lights
sip that last glass of wine
and ready ourselves
for the beginning of a new week.

lying in the darkness
i'm afraid
              and i'm not
i can feel something
                         someone
near me
reaching out to touch me
    gently
     timidly
i close my eyes tight
and wish it, him, her, away
                and they're gone
and i'm alone again
in the darkness
comforted by it
                 but not
waiting
for a touch that may not come
because i've wished it away
one too many times.

she sits alone
this woman
staring blankly at nothing
thinking thoughts
she wished would leave her
haunted by the past
possessed by actions she cannot take back
her aloneness is deserved of her
she doesn't deny that
for this is her purgatory
this is her hell
the damage she had done is unfixable
the souls she has destroyed
are not salvable
her penance is eternity
to live with hearing
cries of anguish and pain
and to see the hollow, frightened eyes
of the ones she has hurt
she will feel a constant tugging of her heart
hoping for a love that will never come.
yearning for forgiveness
that will never be offered.
yes, this is her fate
this is her road to perdition.

she sits alone
watching the falling snow
through her bedroom window
her mind wanders to the past
trying to remember a time
when she didn't feel so alone
she doesn't remember happiness
she doesn't remember feeling love
giving a hug
or offering a sympathetic ear
all she remembers is anger
and resentment
hatred even
lashing out at the innocent
hurting the ones that loved her most
she has long given up questioning why
what's the point now
no use in trying to make amends
they have all left her
abandoning her
after years of cruelty
and now her empty arms search for comfort
in vane
her barren heart has kept her a prisoner
within herself
her past sins have brought her to this place
of solitude
and loneliness
her only consolation
is knowing death is near
a bitter old woman
who has solidified her fate
years ago.

i stand above you
watching you struggle
desperately trying to get a grip
grabbing at earth
that crumbles away
   from your grasp
the more you try
the more you are obviously
losing
for it is too late
   for you
i am, for once
on solid ground
it took your falling
to get me here
i can't help you
not that i would
if i could
for your sinking
into the depths
of blackness
is what brought me
to the light of being
my salvation
is your purgatory
                  so be it.

a black feather circles with the wind,
it's beautiful, that black against the blue,
so gentle, so free
floating, floating, floating
until it comes to rest at my feet
i nudge it, curious, amused
it's still now
no life
but still beautiful
so i put it in a hat
a big, black hat with a green ribbon and now a black feather
and i strut
and then i am floating, floating, floating
with a feather in my hat
and i am gentle, and i am free
and i am beautiful
so beautiful

looking at her tear soaked eyes
i see real pain
   not a show of
     but a feeling of
so deep, deep within
her chest cradles a broken heart
destroyed beyond repair
this girl has lost it
she has been punched with
           the final cut
that has brought her down
  down
     down
torturing the emptiness of her soul
yielding an inflamed wound
leaving her to suffer

alone

having been kicked one too many times
she's shackled with everlasting
   despair.

i will lead you
to the place i've always wanted to be
i will coax you
and train you
and let you know
how good it could be
i will caress your mind
until you realize
that you are powerful
my mistakes
   your fortune
my hesitation
   your confirmation
ignore my insecurity
to ride the whirlwind of achievement
and hold in your hand
the solidness
of your future
and feel in your heart
the security
of peace.

standing at the corner
begging
for a handout
you'll take anything
or so you say
   coins
    coupons
     dollars
       a cup of coffee
  something
anything
to help you get through the day
so i gave you an ad
    a help wanted ad
and you looked at me bewildered
as if to ask
why?
what will i do with this?
   cram it up your ***
is what i thought
   use it for all it's worth
is what i hoped.

skating away
her golden hair
floats silently behind her
she laughs
as she twirls
losing a glove
then sweeping it up
in
   one
      smooth
         motion
the operatic scrape
of her skates
fills the air
as the mesmerizing
dance of her routine
keeps us fascinated  

she's 10 years old
her worries are few
and her love of life
is still unadulterated
pure and
simple

she does an ice waltz
keeping everyone around her
in awe
while her mind is set
to fun.

the asphalt scrapes my knees
as he drags me along
bump
   bump
      bumping
against the rock strewn road
my head hangs low
my sweater is torn
and i'm naked from the waste down
   and *****
    very, very *****
he might think i'm dead
or at the very least, unconscious
whatever he feels
he doesn't show it
he just grips the strap
tied around my wrists tightly
having wound it once
   twice
   three times
around his own hands

i don't know where he's taking me
i don't remember where i've been
  
and
there's no use fighting it
even if i had any fight left

i'm beyond humility
i feel no shame
the only thing that tells me i am alive
is the pain
the constant, raw, exposed
deeply embedded
pain.

my heart hurts
not for a lost love
nor for unfulfilled passion
but for loss
i've lost something
i didn't know i needed
until i realized it was
gone
the seeds i've sown
have evolved into something
i
  do
    not
      want
but the thought
of exhuming
what i had grown
leaves me burdened
with a heavy sadness
and leaves me desperate
for signs of
i can understand.

i dreamt of blood
   and pain
and horrified eyes
suffering
   and loss
and an undeniable desire
to set free

but i was helpless
   in this dream
to save the hurt
to ease the pain
to comfort
a terrified soul

i awoke
with wet eyes
and the gripping fear
of falling asleep
again.

i've given up my dream to follow another's
   many times
that has left me dreamless
   and alone.

her body swayed to the music
a melancholic song poured from her lips
i couldn't take my eyes off of her
no one could
we were hypnotized by her
her moves pulled us in
her voice embraced us
bonding us together
a wave of bodies
floating
twisting
turning
swirling
up and down and
down and up
over each other
fluid
to spill out and cover the floor
exhausted
spent
...
alone she stood on the stage
looking out at us
amused by what she saw
unaware until then
of the power she possessed
she raised her arms
and bowed graciously
until someone bellowed
ENCORE...

standing close
until our heartbeats
collide
beating frantically
combining the two
into one
clutching desperately
reaching for anything
that could possibly
bring us closer
a passionate kiss
that grips from within
a soft stroke
becoming stronger
until the intensity
is overwhelming
heat rises
causing
desperate breaths
quietly begging for
                                  more
   giving
    taking
     getting
      receiving
until we collapse
into a heap
of  satisfied
love.

he had a black hat
pulled down past his ears
and a weathered cane
that he tap tap tapped
along the sidewalk
he would offer a grumble
or a nod
to passersby
but basically kept to himself
and seemed very much at peace
tap tap tapping
along the sidewalk.

i sense you
   staring at me
but when i turn
   you quickly look away

aren't we way too old for this?

swinging high
swinging low
cowering from the bright sunlight
feeling ecstatically numb
come twilight
being torn apart by unnerving dreams
waking exhausted and drained
eyes ablaze and red
floating through the day
confused and distracted
desperate for sleep
but fearful of another disruptive night.

the pain starts
at the pit of my stomach
and slowly creeps upwards
toward my heart

an unsatisfactory vision
engulfs my soul
offering unwanted
feelings
of disheartenment
and despair

the fight i've fought
has weakened me
and acceptance
of a lesser existence
seems inevitable

still...
i concentrate vainly
on that one sliver
of hope
to pull me out of
this funk.

now
you're a fleeting breeze
a swift sensation
gliding past my face
just out of touch
i can feel the softness
but the comforting warmth,
the protection you'd provided
is long gone
and i am left
with the memories
of what could have been.

i watch time
slip through my fingers
congealing on the floor
beneath my feet
a mass of viscous matter
   unretrievable
     unsalvageable
gone forever
passed so quickly
leaving nothing remarkable
on my heart
   nor brain
but the unending cycle
of retrievable time
continues
giving me relentless chances
   to make things better
     to make things good

to become remarkable.

in my dream
i am watching myself
and i am wondering
who i am
               exactly
where do my thoughts come from
my desires

or do i desire...anything
                           anyone
or am i content
with only myself
settling for nothing less
                   than the best
which, in this dream
happens to be
me.

take my hand when i offer it
and follow me into my dream
   teach me what you know
guide me until i am cascading
   down a poetic rainbow
fill me with flowery words
that come to full bloom
   when pen touches paper
help me turn this underdeveloped lump of grey matter
into a kaleidoscope of verses
that boggle the mind.

i've been cleansed
by the words
of an exceptional
poet.

the desperate scratching
of words to paper
producing mediocre prose
that beg for likes
leaving the author
breathless and sweating
while awaiting confirmation
he's good enough.

there's a sadness in a poet
   at least in this poet there is
a deepness that squeezes my soul
something i carry around with me
     always
even through the happiest of times

i need it, that gloominess
i don't think i could survive without it
it pushes me
   this sadness
it stimulates my innards
   my feeling melancholic
leaves me suffocating at times
   and bewildered...

...but feeling doleful
gives my words life
and if i weren't able to give life to my words...
...well, the opposite of that
isn't too appealing

i'm bewildered
by the weakness you project
compared to the madness
i've witnessed
directed towards
        me.

do you even know
your true self?

i want to help you
the person with the fake smile
   hiding behind a mask
      of forced happiness
why do you do it?
why do you want the world to see you
    as something you are not?
don't project happiness
because that's what's to be expected
people can handle happy
it makes them feel content
if they assume you are happy
but what does that leave you
   nothing
      empty
         unfulfilled
& burdened with carrying
that extra heavy weight
   of uncertainty
      uncomfortableness
just to comfort everyone else
be free with your sadness
   cry
      rain tears of despair
         open your arms, desperately
and plead with your eyes
   beg
      ask
for someone
   anyone
to grab ahold of you
and squeeze you tight
whispering
that everything
will be alright

expressing your sadness
   reaching out for help
      is the only real road
to recovery

the only real road
to peace.

she: what is it about me?
he: what do you mean?
she: me...?
he: uh...
she: what don't i have?
he: uh...
she: i'm overweight...
he: um...
she: i'm unattractive
he: what?...
she: i'm boring
he: no...
she: i'm dumb
he: uh, well....
she: i give up
he: well, i....
she: nope, that's it, i give up
he: oh, come on...
she: quit trying to talk me out of it
he: i was only...
she: i'm done, good bye
he: wait, what, where are you...
she: have a good life
          he:.....
he:....
he: what about dinner?

within your arms
i felt invincible

you protected me from the world
but you couldn't protect me from yourself.

the walk
took a turn
onto a mud filled road
either being ****** in
the mud
or tripped up
by huge stones
placed precisely
in my path
struggling to advance forward
feeling the constant pull
to go back
knowing it would be easier

stopping
i strain desperately
for any sign of encouragement
that continuing ahead
is the path
i must take.

i've played the game
i've chuckled
at the results of
a lesser me
hurtful
uncaring
just to get you
to notice

and it worked

but now
this game is too much
the hurt
the uncaring
is directed at me

and i'm not cut out
for this.

a little girl with sad eyes
sits in a field of flowers
plucking petals off of stems
one by one

she captures them
in the apron of her skirt

letting loose
the puddle of brilliance
she watches with weary eyes
as a rainbow of color
whisks through the skies.

the fear of hurting
engulfs the weakest
seeks those
   that...can't cope
               seem beyond hope
            yearn for attention
just one positive note
   is desired
a warm hand
  to cradle a tear stained face
  that looks into honest eyes
will stop the pain
   briefly
but just enough to coax a smile.

the moons reflection
is washed ashore
by gentle waves

an empty bench
holds memories
of laughter
   deep thoughts
      and the simple awareness
of living

laughter &
tears
          angry words
influenced hugs
   and drippy exclamations of
love

the ignorance
of knowing
   the knowledge
   of the despicable
and daily motions
held together
by lies

a mind overburdened
but kept unfazed
by consistent doses
of comfort

death brings you
peace
but in it's wake
leaves a cacophony
of grief

there's a sadness in a lonely child
a sadness that toys,
clothes,
or tv
can't bandage
no pill can ease
no therapy can erase
or help come to terms with
only love -
will satisfy the isolated
only love -
will bring a smile
and offer hope
love will provide encouragement
happiness
and create room for growth
love will offer a lifelong hug
and a gentle push
that will always guide them home.

the boy spins a top
while the girl watches
her eyes spinning
as the colors go round & round
the boy falls into fits of laughter
when the girl looks at him
in cross eyed surprise.

i've forgotten
what a comforting hug
feels like

my arms are like soldiers
guarding
   protecting
     preventing
even the slightest
touch

a hardness
encircles me
unbendable
   impenetrable
solid

and

   always

      there

i can't remember
tenderness

i'm confused
when kindness is offered

this world
my world
has brought me to this place

and the fight in me
has fizzled.

i thought of you the other day
and realized my memories
   are quite blurred

my dreams bring me to tears
how sad is that
when my awakened hours
do not offer me
enough intense emotion
to produce the cleansing
of a good cry?

being filled with an emotion
so intense
it forces tears from my eyes
and envelopes me
in a soft thickness
of comfort...


...finally finding peace.

the longer you allow
the storm to brew
the harsher the thrashing
when it arrives.

where are you
oh lovely being
the scratch that eases
my itch
the jokester
that tempts me
and produces within me
a fit of unending giggles
where are you
my strong armed giant
the one that lifts me
way above the pain
and swings me high
until i land exhausted
and content
on a hillside of reverie
where are you*
savior of me
with offerings of hope
when i'm feeling hopeless
joy when i'm sad
solid ground
after drifting endlessly
on waves of uncertainty
i need to find you
i need to feel you
i need to know
if you are truly
real.

why are you so weak?
why do you listen to nonsense?
where is your backbone?
do you realize how foolish you look?
do you care how idiotic you sound?
are you that desperate for acceptance?
love?
companionship?
friends?
you have taught me one thing though
how i DON'T want to be
thank you.

somersaulting through the night
landing face first
into a bed smelling of love
finding you there
filled with acrobatic amusement
   and i am airborne
   once again.

blown apart by a glance
withered by a look
stomped
      battered
   and beaten
without a hand being raised
or a word spoken
the power to destroy
just by turning your head slightly
and giving a cold eyed stare
the words have already been spoken
the bruises long healed
    and covered up
and now the power you've built
               is kept alive
deep within your eyes.