show me something
give me a reason

answer the questions
that constantly beat
inside my skull
   blinding me
     confusing
       blurring all thought
not knowing
   right
     wrong
       indifference

keep me stable
   solid
on hardened ground

but it's too tough
   this insecurity
knocks me
makes things unbalanced
   doubtful
     unsure
of what is what
who is who
   who is real
where am i safe?

i've gathered myself
into a cocoon of security
if only in my head
but safe
nonetheless...

don't agonize
in desperation
about what could've been
   between us
don't dwell
on what you could've
   done different.
what is
   can't be changed
words spoken
   will not be forgotten
actions taken
   will continue to hurt

me?

i chose the path
to recovery

and you ?

continue to labor
in the past.

the days blur
into nights
and i'm still
me

assuming position
wanting assurance
hoping for flattery
that rarely comes

the mirror has betrayed me

the once bright eyes
that stared back
have turned into
criticizing
judgemental
globes of hypocrisy

i harbor a dislike

i cradle a disgust

the love, built over years,
has crumbled down
after just one glance
into the
familiar.

she misses him most
early mornings
and right before dusk

the scent of his pipe
still fills the air
                at times

his chair sits vacant
and she finds herself
staring at it in longing

she still makes the coffee
strong
because that's the way
he liked it
and she can't seem to
break the habit

sweeping the floor
one morning
she finds a worn penny
   1912
smoothed to a bright copper
in color
his lucky charm
   must've fell out of his pocket
   the day they took him away

he was the love of her life
   they had grown old together
had more time than most

but the ache in her heart
and the emptiness of her arms
tells her, that still
was not enough.

i follow a lonely, maybe just alone,
woman down the street
     watching her
as she glances at shop windows
or maybe she's taking a peek
at her reflection

i don't know why i follow her
maybe it's to see where she goes
   maybe it’s to take a glimpse into her life...

does she meet with friends
   have a lover
does a dog greet her at the door
   or is there a sick mother
in constant demand of something
   maybe a beer bellied husband
stinking of filth, ***** & sweat
   who gets his kicks
   out of smacking her around

                     or

maybe she's alone
   living a life
devoid of restrictions
     commitments
        permissions
& approval
a life that allows her
to wander the streets at any time
absently glancing into shop windows

a life empty of love?

looking around me
    inside & out
i notice holes
in almost everything

day or night
sunshine & rain
pieces are missing
fulfillment hasn't been reached
       voided feelings
          unfulfilled desires
empty hearts
     and heads
people holding onto to anything
   just to hold onto something

    settling for less
expecting nothing more
riding the wave of discontent
and going with the flow

having it all end
by being just another
         unnoticeable whisper

with never having made
                      a difference.

i miss the gentle hugs
   and eyes offering reassurance

i miss
   the comfort of a cozy chair
with room enough for two
    and the smell of food
being cooked

i miss the closing of doors
   and the snoring at night
closing my eyes and craving sleep
   then secretly smiling
when you turn over with a poke

i miss the shower going on at 5 am
and the door closing at 6

i miss your corny jokes
and the smell of you after a hard day at work

i miss your calm when i was angry
   and your common sense
when the world seemed senseless

i miss the beat of my heart
   when i'd think of you
and the sense of peace i felt
   when i heard you come through the door

but what i don't miss

is the nagging pang in my gut
   and the knowing in my heart
that you weren't coming home

i don't miss the crying episodes
   and the disappointment
after broken promises

i don't miss having to share you
   with many
and offering explanations
   to why i haven't left

i don't miss
   the humiliations
      the aloneness
         the lies
and the cheating

i don't miss
your breast pounding
to prove you're a man
   and the negligence i came to expect
the late night phone calls
   from women i'd never met
but who knew intimate details
   of the life we'd shared

there's so much i miss
   but so much more i don't

but in my mind
i still hug and smile at
that young boy
i fell in love with
so, so many years ago.

looking into your eyes
i see the pain of our past
and the pain
you are experiencing now
i wish i could turn back time
to the moment i last loved you
but with you having witnessed
a bleak future without me
then maybe
            maybe
we could comfort each other
now.

gazing at the night sky
i think
of carefree days
days when the darkness
gave way
to the purple haze of morning
days when driving home
was filled with laughter
and young giddiness
when whatever was done
during that night
didn't matter
because we were young
and free
to do as we pleased

not that i long to be that age again
but i do long for that spirit
carefree
arrogant
trouble free
not caring about anything
except what we can do
to have fun

age is an unsettling thing
the numbers are engraved in us
we are supposed to ignore that
but how?
how do you forget something
that is celebrated each year?
how do you ignore the questions of
how old?
when were you born?
when did you graduate?
when, when, when....?????

no matter how young you look
or act
you are still THAT age.

so...how can i act happy
be happy
when what i want is to act
and be the way i was
back then
back in the day...

...when the darkness
gave way
to the purple haze of morning
when driving home
was filled with laughter
and young giddiness
when whatever was done
during that night
didn't matter
because we were young
and free
to do as we pleased

...and we hadn't imagined
anything other than that.

when you think of me
do you smile?
   i don't
when i think of you

when you dream of me
do you wake craving?
   i don't
when i dream of you

when you're missing me
are you sad?
   i'm not
when i'm missing you

if we weren't thoughts
in each others heads
does that mean
our one true love affair
never existed?

swept streets
and sidewalks
windows shined
to a gleam
a 'how do you do'
when passing
fruits polished
to the extreme

it's downtown
that's this neighborhood
laughing people
yelping dogs
friendly faces
but to a stranger
this side
of the neighborhood
could be uncertainty
distrust
and strange places

don't scurry past
when you're on this side
of town
raise your head
force a smile
do not frown

for this is the spice
of the neighborhood
these faces
they all are for real
no lies
will be told
in this neighborhood
and we welcome you all
with much zeal.

all it took
was one look
   and i was yours

the years
   so many
blur into one

a solid sadness
grips my heart

but a smile
taps my soul
   for i did love you

yes, i did love you.

i'm done sacrificing something
just to get a phone call
late saturday night
for a date

no 6 foot anything
  is worth that
no filled out levis
  can get take me there again

stash the smile
stick the compliments
don't rub my back
stop smelling my hair
i've been there
        done that

so...

now then
shall we do this thing
on my terms?

or not?

will you offer me...

   an ear
to listen to my hopes
   my dreams
     and my fears
    eyes
to see beyond what is placed before you
into the depths that make me
who i am
   arms
to hold me when i am afraid
   light
to replace the darkness
that sometimes envelopes me
    an open mind
to accept things about me
you don't understand
    your soul
so that i can hide out there
when i need to be alone
                          with you
    & your heart
so i know that i am safe
without questioning
                         the reason why

give these things to me
and i will give you all that i am

i promise.

when i consider my choices
i know i've made the right one.

floating with the breeze
letting it take me
...wherever
skimming, sliding, bending, twisting
laughing
enjoying it all
guzzling mouthfuls of air
synchronizing my breath
with the movements of my body
freeing myself from all restraints
feeling harmonized with the universe
letting myself go
to embrace all that is good

today is a good day.

this day has been hungry
but has left me famished & empty

surprising for a friday.

following beauty
gives me an obscure
sense of what is assumed.

it would be easy
taking you back
easing on in
to the old routine
of you hurting me with actions
me hurting you with words
both numb
rolled out
stamped into shape
day after day
until the smiles turn to smirks
and thoughts of your touch
   make me cringe in disgust
phone calls go unanswered
   then unattempted
i won't see you for days
   and smile about it

yeah, it would be easy
taking you back

much more difficult
starting something new.

people confusing love
with want
   or need
or a hunger seeking to be fulfilled
  by anyone available
just fill the void
i'll worry about the rest later
doesn't matter if we don't fit
you're here now
that's all that's important
   to me
come on now
let's give this a whirl
you say you love me
i'll profess the same
people around us will smile
and clasp their hands
     'finally'
she has found love
and all will be good

mom will cry happy tears
dad will say, with a thump on your back
   'that's my boy'
friends with partners will include us in game night
   gals won't feel threatened
      guys won't have to hide a peak
and we can skip into foreverness
over the rainbow
tossing daisies as we go
to live happily ever after
in this manmade fairy tale.

a babe
having a baby
thinking all is just rosy
cute lil nose
   wiggly toes
soft skin
   cute laugh
fashionable clothes
teeny, tiny shoes
in all colors...
little hands reaching
to capture your heart

then...


ear shattering screams
   dream stomping cries
wretchedly soiled diapers
   colic
chicken pox
   measles
mumps
   ear ache
tooth aches
   bruised knees
stitched cuts
school friends
   best friends
bullies
   first loves
soft crying from her room

but always
   always

little hands reaching
to capture your heart.

still
no matter
how old you are
no matter
how independent you think you are
no matter
how tough an exterior you've built around yourself
i can still feel your hurt
you must remember
you come from me
i am now, as i've always been
a part of you
so...
when you're feeling down
troubled
used
heartbroken
humiliated
or angry
i am here
for you
now, as i've always been.

lured to dance with
mephistopheles tonight
diving into the dark
underbelly of the city
creeping unnoticed
on the edge of insanity
playing with the minds of fools
   so easily encaptured
because of desperation
and desire
   effortlessly buoyed
with a feathering touch
   kept afloat
with false promises
of procreation
   left wasted and spent
along the wayside
providing comical relief
for the devil and i

we sat alone
on the bench
in the park
people watching
you tossed bread from your sandwich
to the pigeons
silently we stared
we held hands
every once in awhile
your thumb would graze my palm
time passed
and the sun began to set
the sky an intense purplish orange
you stood then
bent down
kissed me on the cheek
turned and started to walk away
i watched you
just as we had watched the pigeons
only moments before
but this was different
i was watching my love slip away
and i couldn't stop it
or you
our time was up
i should've kissed you
yes, i should've kissed you
now you are the one
that got away.

bounced around from here to there
this girl didn't know
     where to call home
mommy loves her
   daddy loves her more
but she doesn't feel it
never did
maybe never will
so she'll seek love
spend her lifetime looking for it
not trusting what is presumed real
going from him to him
   a her in between
never fully satisfied
they all love her
this one more than the last
that one more than this
but she does not feel it
and she grows cold
    stoney
          hard
     but still
she continues on her search
for that one true love
that she may not ever find.

i like the word despair
in a poem
it packs a punch
whereas
      sad
        lonely
    unhappy
   or blue
don't offer as much of a
    wallop
give me a desperate, despairing person
burdened by anguish, misery
     and gloom
and i'll show you
a great poet!

are my words too dire
does my life seem too
desperate
unhappy
lonely or
cruel?
because i am not
desperate
unhappy
lonely or
cruel...well, maybe sometimes
albeit unintentionally
i'm great!
see?
look at my smile!
see me grin!
hear me laugh!
i am wonderfully, blissfully,
joyfully on cloud 9 (give or take)!

tomorrow will be bittersweet
filled with melancholy memories
of us
so much time has passed
i still think of you often
i have no more anger
i harbor no bad will
i do wish you happiness,
peace
and of course, love

we could've made it, you know
the two of us
i wanted you to be the one
with all my heart i tried
but with you
it could never be
just us
and i won't settle for that

but you did give me something
something that made me whole
complete
and for that
i am forever grateful

and that is why i hold you now
and always
in my heart
with wistful memories
of the us
that will never be.

when my mind shakes i urge it, silently, to quell, to stop
i can ease it, slowly, to ebb
then it is silent, unthinking, blurred, but alert
with eyes that seek but do not see
with ears that listen but do not hear
with a mouth that forms words but finds no voice.
this will become my moment of peace.
this has become my moment of life.

today is that day
when my mind explodes
with words
that attach themselves to paper.

i've given up things
because they were toxic to me
unburdening myself
from the weight of the garbage
that cluttered my life
now i am free from the rot
and decay

but redemption hasn't claimed me

although i am carrying a lighter load
the heft of loneliness
is just as burdensome to bear.

following dreams
living the dream
it's all a dream
dream state
dreamy

wake up

there are no dreams
only reality
and the reality is
you're living a nightmare
trying to live up to
your dreams.

*if your mind can dream it
your body can live it

“We either make ourselves miserable,
or we make ourselves strong.
The amount of work is the same.”
― Carlos Castaneda


i like this!!!

the hardest love affair
i ever considered starting
was the one with myself

it's difficult holding onto something
that doesn't quite fit

or not feeling an attraction

when disappointments are constant
   and false promises are made daily

when comfort only comes
  with my mind being blurred by intoxication

the time has come and
   the realization has been made

... the only way this relationship can work
is if serious changes are made.

plunging into despair
the grip weakens me
from the inside
out
all hope
i've gathered
evaporates
with pokes
of insecurity
and thoughts
of helplessness
the height i've gained
is slowly being pulled
downward
into a slouching mass
of indescribable
sadness

i fight

but the continued losses
brings in me
an indescribable
hopelessness

open the golden gates
   of wonderland
skate upon
   viscous dreams
and the unending road
   of unkept promises

will you join me?

keep me company
as we ride a broken roller coaster
that ends
with us sailing
into an ink stained sky
dabbled with white-out
stars

we'll look up in wonder
knowing we can't fall
we won't fall
and we'll continue to sail
   far far away
trailing the breath of god
   bouncing on clouds

              laughing

embracing the satisfaction
of living an imperfect
life.

"Bad"
"'Bad' is just a huge promise of a song. A friend of mine, about as close as you can get, squandered his intelligence and his gifts to ******. Dublin in the late Seventies and early Eighties was a capital for smack. The Shah of Iran had been deposed, and people smuggled their money out of that country in white gold and pearls, by which I mean ******. It was cheaper than ****, it was cheaper than smoking spliff, and a lot of sweet teenage kids, who just liked to smoke a little bit of *****, were offered this cheap high, something beyond their imagination... I tried to describe that with the song, 'Bad, what it was to feel that rush, to feel that elation, and then go on to the nod, awful sleep that comes with that drug..." - Bono, U2 By U2 2006

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless
Lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame

If I could, through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

To let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood shot eyes

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

This desparation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation

Let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

Oh, no
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no no

stared at
probed
bended
stretched
erased
added to
flipped
extended
squeezed tight

that's how i feel
in the presence of a new love interest

why is a darkening of the soul
accepted effortlessly
when happiness
is just as readily available

why is gloom
so easily cradled
when joy
is just as easily nurtured

why is contempt
often thought of
as fearlessness
when compassion
can open a world of doorways

and why is hate
welcomed without question
when love
can provide all the answers
we search for.

these are questions that mystify me
i just don't understand

i don't know
if i really miss anything
or anyone
anymore

my mind is set
to accept the now
to embrace
what is
and to ignore
the uncomfortable & galling

it's easier nowadays
to dismiss
cut off
& end
that which doesn't fit
those
who don't understand
   the skeptical
& uninterested
   the fakes
   phonies
   & wannabe's
who are easily molded
swayed
and convinced

i want the strong
the sure
and the queer
i'll take the weird
& unconventional
cocky clowns
who dwell on today
who've dismissed yesterday
and who look forward to tomorrow

i would claim them
as my perfect army
of delicious misfits
who quell for the status
of being obscure

the years are passing
and my aloneness
seems permanent
but i do question myself
i probe my brain
and decide that yes,
this is my choice
my desire
my hand slap on the table
for it's been so long
my trying to convince others
so i've finally accepted it myself
the fate of being
so very much
alone.

alone
yet
not

peaceful
yet
not quite

stable
or so
it seems

jealous?

envious?
             undetermined?
as of
today...

flowing through life
letting cloudy thoughts
take me
     wherever
meeting whomever
and consenting to being unsatisfied
and unfulfilled
living among the unimaginative
in a world crammed with people

and still feeling
very much alone.

i've spinned the bottle of life
and it stopped
at the *****.

the thrumming
in my chest
a quickened pulse
with just the thought
of you
i can see your smile
before me
and my hand reaches out
to touch you
   stroke your face
but i grieve
in the absence of
the love
i once felt
my heart aches
for feelings
i cannot find
my blood pumps
i breathe in
and out
i am alive
but without you
without someone
i am empty.

i turn delighted
watching the tears
roll down your face
washing away
the vile
you seem to project

your eyes are cleansed
of the toughness
brought forth
by a damaged heart

you try too hard

let go
and let be

life isn't a battle
it's a gift.

am i admiring
or envying

do i wish it were me
instead of you

are you special
because you're happy

are you more deserved
than me
than the rest of us
lonely hearts

have you found
because you've searched
or were you found
by someone searching

i'm in limbo
   i think

i am neither lost
nor do i want to be found

i'm not searching
but will i find
if i look

why you and not me?

the you
that i've been blaming
is actually
me.

you're someone who's hug
i can melt into

years
being built up
but
one word from you
and i'm
extinct