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susan Apr 2015
...in my mind,
blending dreams & hopes
  wishes & desires
   longings & need
gathering speed & intensity
like a snowball rolling down a mountainside
before being blown away
by the potency
of feelings

that leaves me utterly exhausted...
susan May 2016
lovers pop up
in spring
like the many
blossoming flowers
fresh faces
filled with hope
fertilization
is eminent
hungry leaves
open and accept
the offering
of consumption
the continuation of life
is evident
by the planting
of the seed.
susan Apr 2015
i feel the rolling thunder
vibrating through the walls
and it soothes me

splashing rain upon the roof
makes me smile...
...contented

the dreariness outside my window
embraces me like an old lover
and i feel at ease with this moment
comforted by the storm
lulled to sleep by dripping water
and wind ruffling trees

and i wake up feeling purified

...if only for a moment.
i long for rainy days (and nights)
susan Jun 2016
i close my eyes
to soft gusts of wind
washing over me
like the sweet breath
of a lover
holding me in it's grasp
and suspending me
in a space
unaware of time

i am numb
except for the feeling
of peace
offered to me
by the unadulterated whisper
of a warm
spring
breeze.
susan Feb 2015
she lies on the roof
clothed only in a thin, soft, robe
made of the finest silk
   colored baby blue
the ends flutter smoothly
in the slight breeze
like wisps of grey-blue smoke
from a European cigarette
she's gazing at the stars
choosing the exact one
she wants to float to
the brightest one, of course
the one filled with the most hope
she closes her eyes
and dreams of him
waiting for her, at the edge of her star
with arms extended
   beckoning
she can see his heart beating furiously
in his chest
he calls to her
with eyes filled with desire
she twists slowly in the night sky
the silks of her robe
flowing softly behind her
   loose on her arms
until it falls away breezily
she dances towards him in her nakedness
   laughing
and reaching out
their fingers barely touching

she looks up and see's the look of panic
in his eyes
and she cries
NO!
as her dream breaks up in an explosion
of silver and black

and she is alone
   again
on the roof
... without her robe
and in her hand
                   a small silver star.
susan Sep 2015
you asked me to join you
back to the world that was once a part of us
   so, so long ago
for you're still frequenting the same stops
   visiting the same people
sharing the same stories
     the same
     always the same
you don't seem to realize
   or to accept
i'd grown tired of the same
   bored with the predictable
     sick of you
because you're stuck with the same
   and you're happy with that

but me, now
   i'm different.
susan Nov 2014
trying to capture the perfect words
to make you know
and believe
how i truly feel
is difficult
because i really don't know
myself

how can one person
complicate the mind of another
just by being?

why is it, with everything else
i am strong,
secure,
sure of myself
but when it comes to you
i am a blubbering idiot?

i wonder
will there ever be a you i am comfortable with?
is there a you out there that will allow me to be me
without ever trying?

i want my white horse
where's my knight
do i have to wait until the next lifetime
have i missed my chance for real passion
love
happiness
peace
should i give up
?


i am suffocating daily
as i feel the days pass
and the clock spin

this cannot be my destiny
this cannot be fate

please, show yourself to me.
susan May 2015
they stood under a cloudy sky
staring
             eye to eye
a trickle rolled down her cheek
uncertain if it were a tear
  or raindrop

he kissed it, not caring

she looked up at him
       as it began to pour.
susan Jan 2016
the sky showed
dark clouds
with rumblings
in their bellies
i stood in a vast field
arms opened wide
waiting for the baptism
of rain
i needed a cleansing
   desperately
i willed the storm
to whisk away my sorrows
and allow my pain
to be washed away
on the cascading waves
of forgiveness.
susan Dec 2015
i awake with a jolt
feeling disoriented
   where am i
     who am i with
   and
do i care?

shaking my head
it seems ridiculous
but i do it anyways

and it's then that i realize
i've gone and done it

i'm where i have no business being
with a someone i have no business being with

i don't feel good
and the onset of tears
i feel
pushing upwards
from my throat
the sobbing that's inevitable
for the very bad mistake
i have made
but
   i won't do it

     i won't let this
     this
          imbecile
know how i really feel
how i despise what i've allowed myself
to become

the giving in
   to a cute face
     a kick *** body
all for
a couple of hours of fun
and games
i forgot about the games
that come afterwards
and now i'll pay for that
   oversight
that comes crashing down
with the soberness
of tomorrow.
susan Nov 2014
she was walking east
he was coming up west
she was happy, giggly even
he was sullen, irritated

getting closer she was swinging her arms
humming a familiar tune in her head
he, thinking about his day
annoyingly shook his head
kicked at a lone stone

closer yet
she is practically skipping
hugging herself in contentment
he is becoming more agitated,
belligerent,
angry at the sudden crowd of strangers in his path

closer still
she easily, happily weaves her way through the crowd
smiling openly at whomever meets her gaze
he, angrily pushes through
get out of my way
growling to himself in disgust

even closer
she clumsily drops her purse
bends down to reclaim it
he, noticing a lull in the foot traffic
stomps his foot in aggravation
but pushes forward

right there
she stands up abruptly,
absently bumping into someone
ready with apologies
he, staggers backward from the bump
ready to lash angry words
and maybe even a push

right now
she, looks up,
an apology caught in her throat
he, swinging around
ready with angry words
that melt before they are spoken

destiny
she, wide eyed
spreads a glorious smile
shrugs her shoulders in apology
he, wide eyed
gives in to a smile he kept secret for too long

she and he
start a conversation
that will alter the course of that day
and everyday
from that moment forward.

THE END
susan Apr 2015
i look up at your window
and wonder what it is you're doing
cooking, maybe
listening to music
screwin'

thinking of me?

i pass your office
and wonder what it is you're doing
sending an email
attending a meeting
eating lunch (or your secretary)

thinking of me?

i sit at the bar
sipping a beer
and think of you
next to me
throwing back a shot of jack
and winking at the waitress
and i realize that
no
you never did think of me.
susan Dec 2014
he approached my window
this sad boy
   or so he seemed
he had pleading eyes
that weren't true
looking deeper
i sensed a crookedness
cunning
but i gave anyway
but not because i was fooled
i was intrigued
   i craved a fable
what has brought you here
   i asked
what misfortune have you encountered
   to become a beggar
   to lose all sense of pride
   to become less than humbled
   and at the mercy of others
in order to survive
   his answer i had forgotten
as soon as he started to speak
because his fabricated drama
was unremarkable
ordinary
so this time
my selfish reasons for giving
were unmeasured.
susan Jan 2015
he's still there
that beggar boy
holding his sign
hooded
with a scarf tied tightly
around his face and neck
gloves, i think
ragged tan pants
*****
looking at me with sad eyes
pleading eyes
eyes that say
you know you want to
    give
      give
        give
but i don't
nope
not this time, kiddo

you're playing it cool, though
hangin' in the bitter cold
with your sign
and those sad eyes
knowing
just knowing
that you'll get your cheddar
from these sympathetic people
who are already luckier than you
sitting in their heated up cars
saying
look at that poor kid,
here's a dollar you poor thing

and you
stuffin' that buck into your ragged tan pants
and sayin'
thank you, mam, god bless

but not me
nope
i helped you once
uh uh
no more
you don't fool me
with your ragged tan pants
and sad eyes

know why
'cuz i don't believe you, that's why
this is a follow up to 'street person'
susan Oct 2014
sadness
it surrounds me
darkness
it follows me
uneasiness
tries to consume me
the fight is tough
the urge to give in is strong,
easier
but
strength builds character
certainty produces confidence
this war can be won
the crusade towards happiness
is closer than once
imagined
susan Mar 2015
walking through the park
people watching
eyeing the entertainment
a clown twisting balloons
into obscure shapes
and telling people
'it's a dog'
or
'it's a monkey'
and those same people
grinning enthusiastically and exclaiming
'it is, it is!!!'
while walking away
pulling junior by his arm
scolding
'hurry up'
the balloon lasts 5 minutes
usually less
before junior
trying to choke the 'doggie'
busts the balloons...

...and then we're left with
a screaming
      crying
        toddler
       great

i turn my attention to the pond
ducks, geese, a swan or two (i think)
moving gracefully
on the water
until one duck
smaller than the rest
starts quacking anxiously
obviously distressed
and i turn to see it caught up in a tangle of discarded
fishing twine
his terror obviously alarming the others
and then there's a spectacle
of quaking, splashing birds and people
while a few good hearted samaritans rush to
save the duck
eventually a beat cop arrives
shooing people away
while saving the day using his handy
sport knife to cut away the twine and set the bird free
taking a small bow to the crowd of people cheering

moving along
i come to a street vendor
selling ice cones, pop, cotton candy and popcorn
so i stop for a small ice cone
blue
treating myself
walking along
enjoying the scene
i notice a few kids laughing and pointing
i shrug it off until a kindhearted old lady
offers
'your face is blue, dear'
taking out my compact mirror
i do see that my face is indeed blue
   the ice cone
which i unceremoniously dump into the next waste bin
trying in vane to scrub the blue off of my face
with a slowly shredding napkin
i take the path to the nearest exit
out of the park

so much for a relaxing stroll in the park
on a beautiful spring day.
susan Dec 2015
it's been a long time
since i've looked into
a beautiful face

and even longer
since i've been lost
in lustful eyes.
susan Nov 2014
he's in the dark
shuffling along grim, polluted streets,
head hanging low
the collar of his worn, black jacket pulled up tight
it's raining
the mist cradles him,
seeming to almost carry him along
this is a journey he has both dreaded
and craved
it is a journey with a destination
that claims salvation
but that doesn't make it any easier

the bridge looms in the distance
and he lifts his head to stare at it
hazily
moving closer
it is consuming him, calling him

stopping at the top of the bridge
he looks downward into the dark, choppy waters
examining the distance down
casually he shrugs off his coat, removes his shoes
he takes a deep sigh while looking wearily around him
and slowly nods his head in final approval

gently lifting his leg over the railing he glances down for the last time
the waves below appear to be
beckoning him
promising him peace
encouraging deliverance

opening his arms to accept the deadly hug
he falls.
susan Apr 2015
my brain explodes
into a kaleidoscope of infinite colors

i find a piece of myself amongst the rubble

and it is grey.
thought of this in the shower
some people sing...
susan May 2015
my sincerity has cost me
being honest has gotten me slapped
      scorned
        and shunned

***** looks follow me
pointed fingers find me

facing the truth...
most cannot swallow

exclaiming a flaw
is just for show
for many

but me
HA!
i call your bluff

you want to cry wolf?
   watcha got here
      is little red riding hood
in
    the
        flesh!
susan Apr 2015
taking a long drag
i lay back comfortably
exhaling
i watch the smoke rise
up
   up
     up
and dissipate
somewhere around the ceiling fan
but before the smoke alarm


it's nice being in cahoots with the universe
susan Oct 2014
accepting the unacceptable
to accept
while trying to be accepted

believing the unbelievable
so to believe
in something

tolerating the unethical
to hide weakness
and deny decency

following the wicked
because of vulnerability and hopelessness

never comprehending truth
because of rejecting it for so long.
susan Dec 2014
there's you
there's me
and there's us
at this time
i'll stick with the me
without the you
giving me no reason
for us
susan Mar 2015
a black soul is not evil
it's a pretense
of a pulsing heart
waiting to be exposed.
susan Feb 2015
a need satisfied
that's bittersweet

filling the temptation
of overindulgent lust
with obscene touches
and sinful scrutiny

two strangers
are brought together
by a common desire for
    intimacy
         gratification

a need satisfied
that's bittersweet
susan Mar 2015
do i have the power to end you
will the force of my words
make you go away
my look, will it stop you
in your tracks
and make you cower
like a whipped dog in the corner
do i possess that much control?
i wish i knew
for if i did
i might just be tempted
   to use it
           on you
to make you disappear
forever.
to subtract someone
from his and my life
*sigh*
susan Nov 2014
all the preparing
for the big show
the making things perfect
the displaying of stuff just so
there's the
mixing
blending
shaking
seasoning
pouring
cooking
boiling
bakin­g
frosting
whipping
cutting
trimming
spooning

followed by the
devouring
wolfing
scarfing
cramming
munching
chomping
noshing
g­uzzling
slurping
swallowing

and ending with
burping
hiccuping
passing gas

and passing out

happy thanksgiving
susan Mar 2015
mean
   cold blooded
  ignorant
rude
uncaring
    selfish

i've been called worse.
susan Mar 2016
being baked by the sun
while dozing on a field of dried grass
the uncomfortable feeling
of unanticipated acupuncture
seizes my senses
jolting me awake

through slight pain
my body reacts
to the joy
of being alive.
through sickness
comes a rebirth

life is good
susan Oct 2014
bury this day
make the hole deep then
fill it in with the dirtiest dirt and
pound that down with the biggest rocks and
leave them
on top of the dirt making
the grave airtight and secure. don't
leave a marker, there
won't be any visitors
just bury this day
susan Apr 2015
where is the kindness
   to people
     to things
especially to the innocent
   and the trusting

what kind of person
can abuse the trust
    of someone
     something
to hurt
and more importantly
    why?

what can they possibly
get out of it
out of hurting something
               someone
that is weaker
     more afraid
or worse
      more trusting

to gain an innocents trust
just to abuse for sadistic satisfaction
    is beyond evil
surpasses anything humane
and basically
sickens me...
...to the point of provoking evil
upon those who are spineless enough
to hurt the defenseless .
i don't like animal abuse
and i won't tolerate animal abuse
“Humanity's true moral test, its fundamental test…consists of its attitude towards those who are at its mercy: animals.”
― Milan Kundera
susan Dec 2014
he's a slippery human being
moving in and out
of passages and doorways
alleys and streets
sniffing and searching
until he finds what he is looking for
the need in him pulls him
to the darkest areas of the city
the dank underbelly
where the bad stay
the connivers, thieves,
con artists, swindlers,
pushers and users
motherless scoundrels
who's selfish desperation
lead them to do the unthinkable
and he is one of them
a snake
who's desire must be satisfied
his insides cooked, brain baked,
blood boiled to give his body a jolt
of hard lined, vein pumped
rapture
this reptile of a man
a mere shell of his former self
will scour the deepest corners
of filth and damnation
to find the cure to what ails him
and by doing so
will offer a short fix
to his broken life.
susan Oct 2014
spilling out of bed
like molasses
to congeal on the floor
flowing slowly
wrenched by determination
towards the stairs
oozing gently down
step by step
drip by drip
finally reaching the bottom
where the sloppy puddles merge
gathering strength
like a phoenix rising
but then again, not
i stand unsteadily
holding onto the wall
to brace myself
overcome by a rush of queasiness
i rush to the lavatory
to alleviate my distress...

I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN!
susan Dec 2014
walking through the door
she is greeted by a few
half assed hellos
she nods and heads to the familiar stool
she usually occupies at the end of the bar
the stool is maroon, cracked vinyl
and wobbles dangerously when she sits
she instinctively reaches for her cigarettes
kept in her jacket pocket
then stops with annoyance recalling the ban
'***** rocks, joe'
and the iced, clear drink
seems to appear out of nowhere
'keep em' comin''
she sighs hungrily after the first sip
and settles deeper, more relaxed, into her seat
again, the cigarettes
again, the weary shake of her head
she perks a little when reaching for her drink

joe gives way to dave
and the late afternoon
creeps into early evening
the clinking of glasses becomes more frequent
all the stools and most of the tables are filled

there’s drunken laughter
tipsy arguments
glass eyed flirtations
bold approaches
weepy departures

   and she sits through it all
with her *****
on her stool
alone
at the bar.
and no this is not based on personal experience
susan Aug 2015
if the wind blows just right
i can hear voices coming
from the bar down the street
   drunken giggles that make me smile
alcohol soaked singing
   making me laugh out loud
i think i'll join them
   clinking sloshy mugs of beer
   telling off color jokes
and sharing in the camaraderie
   amongst the people
     in a small corner bar.
susan Apr 2015
i look up & see his mouth moving
but what's coming out is gibberish
i squint trying to read his lips
but it's still all nonsense
i shake my head a little
to try and clear the cobwebs
and open my eyes wide staring at him
giving him my full attention
but i still don't understand a word he's saying
who is this person
and why am i trying to give him
my full attention
when he is obviously the most boring
  unattractive
     monotonous

          human being
i've encountered in a very long time.

i get up & walk away
leaving him with his mouth open
looking at me in total surprise.


i really didn't need this job anyways.
susan May 2015
the pain dissipates
as soon as she turns the corner
and he sees her smile
the pumping of his heart
engulfs his soul
and turns muddy sickness
into something alive
with each of her footsteps
his heart pumps harder
   & deeper
replenishing his body
with the pure redness of life

his life support has arrived
    disguised as angel
            in combat boots.
susan Dec 2014
i'm standing at the fork
looking this way and that
both roads look the same
but i know they're not
it's crucial i choose the right one
which way is my heart telling me to go?
...my head?
i again glance this way
and that
there's no sign
there's no one to point me in the right direction
so i swallow hard
and take the first step
   then the second
   third
   fourth
and i'm running
because i know
i have chosen the right path
susan Dec 2015
waiting at the stop light
i watch the church goers
   filing in
     one by one

i imagine them
searching for the perfect seat
   to kneel
     with heads bowed
        hands folded

which one is the most pious?
                  who here the most devout?
you there, are you holier than thou?
            have you stuffed your offering into the basket
            so the big bill lies on top?
which one of you paid
           to be righteous?
who bought the rights to the first pew
facing god's representative?

you silly, silly people
you pathetically mislead drones

if you think that walking through oak based,
             brass handled doors
             embellished in brightly colored stained glass
lifts you above the rest of us?

                         you

              are
                 foolishly
     mistaken

if you believe there is a god...
do you honestly think he
would grant you sainthood
because you visited his house
and tossed in a jackson
instead of a washington
into the money ***?

well then
   if so
i'd have to say
you are worshipping
a false idol.
sitting in a pew
exclaiming amen
and writing big checks to the church
doesn't bring you any closer to salvation
then the rest of us.
susan Jan 2015
climbing the steps of life
i glance up
and see i have a long way to go
   and i'm relieved

the higher i climb
the tougher it gets
at times i stumble
even lose a step
   or two
but i always regain my footing
and continue on
   and on
     and on

i wonder where i will end up...
   will i be satisfied
     will it be what i expected
      will i be deserving?
will i leave behind...
   goodness
    wisdom
     broken hearts
      relief?

wherever it is...
                     my final destination
i will embrace it
and i will be relieved
   that i had made it
                   that far.
thinking of my mortality today and feeling grateful for the journey i continue to follow
susan May 2015
i need new boots
these are just too worn out
   scuffed up
      the sole is cracked
   the leather beaten...
but ****
  i love these boots
we've been through a lot...
i've worked in 'em
    partied in 'em
        vacationed with 'em
      kissed
  hugged
       kicked off and
******* with 'em
      nah
i'll hold onto 'em for awhile
these babies carry way more
than my feet.
susan Nov 2015
your fists beat on the door
hollering for me to answer
i sit cowering in the corner
   rocking
     waiting
for you to leave
when will your torture end?
when will you leave me be?
why can't the happiness i've found
in being without you
become the happiness you accept
in being without me?
susan Aug 2016
throwing myself
onto the wave of normalcy
being spit out
to ride the thunderstorm
of uniqueness...
...that is me.

(i just wanted to use the word 'crux'...)
susan Jun 2015
GO BLACKHAWKS!
susan Aug 2015
glass cuts his body
        up
          down
     in
    out
and all the way through
until he is ravished by
an euphoric state
only he understands
he's bathed in blood
which to his eyes
is beautiful
               exhausted
he crashes to the floor
complacent
in long awaited sleep.
i'm not very familiar with cutting & i apologize if i didn't hit it just right.
forgive my naivety, for i have no control on what my mind wants to write.
susan Mar 2015
i don't trust myself as your friend right now
i've grown too egocentric
     for that
my heart has become indifferent
the compassion i once felt
is nearly gone
i feel nothing when you weep
   i say nothing when you beg for help
it doesn't thrill me when you do good
   it doesn't hurt me when you are down
our past has ****** me dry
and it's become too tiresome
    for me
        continuing with you.
outgrowing old friendships
is rough
susan Aug 2015
there's a shadow that follows her
she knows not why
so she's been using it
for comfort
like an old blanket
that keeps her warm
on the coldest of nights
it cannot be stamped out
     or smothered
and
it never leaves
through the brightest day
and the darkest night
it envelopes her
holding on
like a stubborn child
not wanting to let go
so...
she's accepted it
lives with it
and goes about her days
with the heavy burden of that shadow
clinging to her back
   weakening her
slowly bringing her down

but because she knows nothing else
it has become a part of her
that may never leave.
depression to some
is not recognized
because it has become all too familiar
susan Aug 2015
her hair was the color of
   lemon peel
her eyes a crystalline blue
   skin porcelain
delicate fingers
were curled slightly
seemingly in wait
for something to fill them
her lips pursed oh so delicately
as waiting for a kiss
or whistling a simple tune
her expression was stuck
in a careless emotion
never feigning surprise
         happiness
        sadness
    or anger
and she sits & waits
for the inevitable squeeze
that comes from the excitable little girl
not feeling a thing
but offering comfort & love
just by being there.
i never had a favorite doll,
stuffed animals were my thing
susan Jun 2016
i dreamt of you last night
your face filled my sight
the sincerity in your eyes
was almost believable

we laughed and
held each other
i remember you looking past me
searching
   for something more
or so it seemed

and i woke with a longing
so now i am burdened with thoughts of you
and what a perfect dream
you make.
do you ever dream of someone
only to be consumed with them
for days after...
susan Jun 2016
time spent
wasted
forgotten thoughts
enter the inebriation
and float in obscurity
not to be remembered

not wanting to be remembered

smooth liquid
flows over any consciousness
and leaves a lovely feeling
of numb
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