i thought i was reflecting on the past
when what i was actually doing
actually am doing
is dwelling on it

i'm too caught up with how i wanted things to be
compared to how it actually was...
...is

after all this time
i still wish things were different
aw, hell, i wish you were different
   me
     us

but they're not

accepting the unacceptable is very difficult

if only you had tried harder
   if only you would try now
if only i tried harder
   if only i would try now

but that's not going to happen

and it makes me sad
because i realize this is all i get
not that i'm owed anything
but at the very least
you could've shown support
   or compassion
     sympathy
        praise
     encouragement
  love

i've never felt it

i always felt ashamed of who i was
    who i am now
but only around you

so....
it's better i'm not around you
i'll try and take the past and leave it there

because not having you in my life
   gives me peace
not having you in my life
  allows me to be myself

without being shamed by doing so.

i observe
yes, i like to watch
most of it is comical
a majority is fake

painted on smiles
laughing at nothing
nodding agreeably
   to what
they don't know
   or care to know
securing their place
amongst a crowd
of the same

bobble heads
nodding
   yes       yes       yes
not understanding
but not caring

just going with the flow
of expectation.

scrambling for attention
   the masses are
crowded streets
highways
horns blaring
curses spewed
anxious people
hurried towards nowhere
going through the daily
motions
then sitting idle
   come evening
pondering the day
trying in vain
to figure out the way
towards happiness
                        contentment
              peace
and failing miserably
   each
      and
         every
time.

i'm suffocated by loneliness
while waiting for an assumed
arrival
hope is always high
until the hours fade
and darkness is all around
by the wee springing
of morning light
i know the wait is over.

sadness is the friend you gave up long ago
who continues to torture you
with uninvited knocks
on your door.

in a room full of people
   i become quite aware
i eavesdrop on conversations
i spot liars
   braggarts
and introverts
  i notice the ashamed
   afraid
bold
and confident
i glance towards
a boastful laugh
coming from an ill equipped
sloth of a man
who uses insults
to bring down the weak
while strengthening his armor
of ignorance at the same time

women bat eyelids at the handsome
   men fumble words and trip over feet
to get close to the beautiful
   sincerity is overlooked
kindness is scoffed at
   the bland aren't noticed
the flamboyant produce
   chuckles of disdain

a typical saturday night
amongst a zoo of people
where cost of admission
is a dose
of self respect.

kicked back and easy
lounging with the best

laughter filled rooms

head bumps
   fist bumps
a knowing wink

drink fueled
   synopsis
a calming pat on the back

ice clinking into glasses
the quiet 'pfft' of an opening bottle

these are the best of times
these are times spent with friends.

breathing in the scent of pine*
is it too cliche to say it opens up memories
of christmas's past?
do i need to light a pine scented candle
in order to get into the spirit?
   i do
     i will
if that's what it takes.

i'm looking up at you
with tired eyes
silently begging you to

shut
     up

quit talking

take your arrogance
stuff it into that fake leather briefcase you carry
and hit it
   the road that is
bounce
   walk
     take a hike
and take your nonsensical words with you
your college bred
   egotistical
     masochistic
      *******

you have taught me

n o t h i n g

you obviously love the sound of your own voice
but to me
it's like the last swipe of the razor
cutting off my lifeline.

i want a refund.

i have memories of church
as being something
required
five days a week
   plus sundays
walking in a straight line
   no talking!
don't even acknowledge
   your neighbor
the closer we got
hands became folded
heads bowed
enter in complete and utter
     SILENCE!
repeating the responses
all known by heart
never really understanding the meaning
the final AMEN!
and out the door we went
a little more relaxed
sometimes a quiet whisper
a small giggle...

i guess making our way towards god's house
was much more sacred
than leaving.

what bothers me most
is that i have allowed you
to hurt me again.

looking down
at my boots
watching them
kick leaves
and dirt
to the side

passing time
by the swooshing
of footsteps

the crisp air
grips me
in an uneasy embrace
carrying me forward

i feel my mind slowly clearing
with each careful step

coming to the edge of the clearing
my eyes greedily consume
what's presented before me
miles and miles
of mind blowing awesomeness

it's me
and nature
and i hope
beyond hoping
that this is enough.

where is that person
that can offer me
calmness
caressing my mind
to ease
allowing me comfort
and deep
              deep
                     sleep
unburdened by dreams
and then awakening
with a cleansed jolt
of happiness...

...where is that person?

today is cold
dreary
wintery
which makes sense
considering tomorrow
is the first day of winter
and i must say
   welcome
   come on in
   let's play
'cuz the sooner i can welcome you
the sooner i can say goodbye

*no offense, of course

leaves crunch
   under my determined stride
flakes of autumn
   breeze past me
   making my eyes water
the crisp air
   sharpens my senses
   as i breath in a musky
   burnt smell

i gain momentum

fall pushes me forward
   edges me towards the beginnings
   of winter
where the stillness of the season
   comforts me

so many people in this world
   yet, i feel alone
i've got many numbers
in my book
   yet, i've no one to call
reflecting on photos
from the past
i see happy, smiling faces
   but today
     i struggle to force a smile
lives are cascading
swinging into balance
  a hug is met
    eyes reflect the joy
that is felt
   there's laughter
     glasses clinking
       a kiss on the cheek
         a pat on the back
but i am left
a lonely outsider
looking into
and longing for
that circle of
camaraderie.

i question my sanity
and state of mind
i can feel the cruelness within
and it burdens me
with sadness

i'm not that person
who feels happiness
when others are happy
    instead
i relish in their misery
and pain

the downhearted and defeated?
   i am drawn to them
like flies to ****

i look to the deflated
secretly giddy
knowing they have lost
all hope

come to me
so i could feed your fire
of despair
because the more desperate you are
the more content
i become.

you, son, live a lie
live with a lie
ignoring the obvious
building a wall
from crumbling stone
and elmer's glue
only begs for the enemy
to knock it down.

she stumbled over her common sense
which she thought she had lost
many years ago
                       to her first love.

seems it'd been borrowed out
to every love thereafter.

dew drops
rain drops
lemon drops
dropped ball
drop kick
side kick
kick in the ***
*******
*******
jack of all trades
jack of hearts
heartache
heartbreak
break my heart
break up
up your ***
up up and away

i love words.

the wind blows
   copper colored leaves
flip and turn
   along the straw colored grass
the smell of wood burning
   circles the air
bringing melancholy thoughts
   of younger years
gripping my head
   forcing me to think
of days past

autumn is close.

i become disillusioned
by someone "grown"
who doesn't know ****
and then enlightened
by that one
proclaiming naivete.

there's love
   there's hate
there's the mixture of the two
spending time
with these people
i wonder
do they know the difference?
are they holding onto something
   imagined?
     yearned for?
do they picture
the idea of perfection
and decide
YES
it is him
   or her
this is what i've been looking for
   but if not
i will take it
   whatever
whomever it is
for whatever
   whomever it is
is better than nothing

how sad.

the stranger i fear most
   is myself.

looking through rose colored glasses
i am blinded by love

made numb
by a bogus kiss

swept up
in a current of passion
that's been shrouded
in a veil of phoniness.

take this day and live

i crave the warm embrace
of a bottle of wine

I’m gonna bend and stretch you
to fit my idea of
     **t
I’m gonna erase,  then add words
   so you say what I want to hear
i'll spray you with fragrance
   comb your hair just so
   zip up the perfect pair of jeans
and nod approval at what I see
you'll laugh at my jokes
   and cry when i say so
you'll **** me when i want it
   and leave me alone when i don't
and when i'm finished
I’ll stuff you in a box marked
    RETURN
*item damaged.

is it possible to fall in love
with words on a page
to let your imagination
invent the perfect match
just from the text
that is written
feeling in your heart
that whoever wrote those words
has to be your kindred soul
has to be the epitome of perfection
for you?

i'm thinking it may be possible

i keep calling
and calling
yelling
from deep within my soul
but no one answers
no one heeds my pleas
i feel thoroughly alone

the one time i ask for help
and no one is around to answer

a boy with bright blue eyes
   giggles
as he snatches the purse
and runs off crookedly
   bumping into people
   knocking down old ladies
   kicking dogs out of the way
            giggling
   giggling
running far enough
out of sight
   and sound
to drop the purse
without opening it
into the trash.

there's temptation all around
but i've grown too wise to succumb to it

   boyish grins
     come hither looks
      & empty compliments
don't do a thing for me...now

there was a time when all it took
was a glance & a crafty smile
   tossled hair &
           swell fitting levis
toss in a wink & a drink
and i'd swoon

   but now
now, i'm too smart for that nonsense...

...funny thing is
i'm not 100% sure that's a good thing.

he spends days
ambling
following footsteps
he has yet to make
his mind is gone
no thoughts make sense
no words escape his lips
except for random ramblings
and incoherent observations
made from pictures seen inside his head
he searches for pennies
copper bright
to jingle in his pocket
offering a comfort
only he understands
this simple man
with simple needs
clinging to the belief
that he has a purpose
not knowing or caring
that he is alone.

looking
at you
i find peace
in your eyes
i can drift
in the stillness
of your breath
the comfort you give
isn't planned
or practiced

it
   just
      is

you offer
the pureness
of yourself
and i am one of the lucky ones
who get to
experience
it.

give me shelter
from these thoughts
that can destroy me
offer me protection
from words
that are better left unsaid
release me
from the prison
of my mind
that forces me to become
a suffragette
for causes i don't believe in
offer me my courage
let me take back my strength
so i can rebuild the morality
of the person i once was.

a man
a boy, really
has reached out to me
and i've accepted
the friendship
   the commraderie
      the companionship
i've been craving
for far too long

it unsettles me
this friendship

i feel an unnerving
uneasiness
a falseness

but i will accept him
welcome him
embrace him

with all i have

because i feel
the connection

is worth it.

a given hope
retracted
is what i expect
from you.

it's a sad day indeed
when the only poems
i feel i can write
are full of defeat...

lend me a hand, will ya
pull me up from this deep vat
of loneliness
and offer me to bask in the light
of a thousand suns
after washing me with compassion
and purifying me with love and tenderness
my needs are few/my wants easy
all i petition for is a strong arm to lift me up

sifting through old photos
remembering this time
and that
noticing, just now
that half lit
smile
seeing, just now
the vacant eyes
staring at the lens
begging to be let go
wanting an end
to the phony existence
spent with a phony
somebody
trying to keep up
appearances
for the eye
of a camera.

a confetti of white
tossed from above
blankets the earth
in silence.

with the gentle blanketing of snow
a silence embraces the countryside
trees whisper a song of peacefulness
while the sloping hills offer a maze of white;
beckoning to get lost in it's wonderment
tears of icicles drip from the trees
as the sky continues to cry a flurry of cottony white
nature at it's most beautiful
untouched
serene
still
giving freely all the magnificence
a swelling heart and gratified soul
can hold.

floating on the essence
of your last words to me
holding on for dear life
to the lifesaver
that were your promises
hitting the bumps
of your lies
unable to breathe
drowning
in the confusion of your commitment
seeing you for the first time
when surfacing
and realizing you were not my hero

i have saved myself.

i've hoped
   i've lied
     i've been made a clown
just to seem happy
happiness does not come easy
   for me
i'm more comfortable in sadness
sadness i understand
sadness i cradle
hold close to my *****
cherish

i'll continue to project cheeriness
i'll continue to laugh
i'll continue to exclaim to the world
I ...AM...HAPPY!
just to be able to retire
   unaccompanied
in the dismal comfort
of aloneness.

the day starts normal enough;
i get out of bed
bathroom stop
brush my teeth
comb my mop
make the coffee
feed the cats
get the paper
check the stats
take a shower
pick out my clothes
put on makeup
start to slow
get to thinking
remembering when
you were somewhere
close at hand
usually sleeping
didn't matter
i could feel you
hear your patter
you are my baby
never forget
even though you're older
your place is set
my heart is broken
but in a good way
you've left our home
somewhere else you'll play
you're a man now
and prouder i could not be
but it doesn't make it easier
your leaving me
i shed some tears
just thinking of you
knowing that this love
is so so purely true
a mother's heart starts to break
the moment her baby makes his stake
he grabs her heart
and holds on tight
never letting go
it's his given right
to feel that joy
and then the sorrow
when your little one leaves
for better tomorrows
he doesn't know any better
this is what you've groomed him for, right?
if only it didn't hurt so much
when he permanently takes flight
i'll wipe my tears
i'll stand up tall
knowing my boy
became a man after all.
you'll never know
how much of my heart you hold
until you, yourself
have a little one of your own.

it's time to bid you farewell
                my friend

thinking of you
brings forth memories
of much simpler times
      growing up
and becoming close
when our only worries
were what to wear
to impress the new boys
next door

i picked the wild one
with the firebird
and you picked
the seemingly stable one
with the van
(oh how looks truly are deceiving)

and from then on
our lives were intertwined
with many twists and turns
and acrobatic escapades
          most happy
   but some sad

we were pulled apart
                        at times
but always seemed to find our way back
to each other
and slipped back in comfortably
to a friendship that was reliable
        secure

i won't say i'll miss you
because i know you will be as close to me now
as you've always been
for miles are only space
and no distance can separate
true friends...like us
     connected by the heart

what you are about to face
may challenge you
may make you yearn for the comfortable
          the familiar
and if that happens
you call me
    or think of me
and we'll reconnect
like we always have
       two true friends
   of the heart.

riding roadways
  & railways
    walking trails
     & byways
searching for the answer to our unhappiness
when all we really have to do
is look into the utter depths
of our souls
and realizing
that the only road we had to follow
is the road that led us home

for when your heart feels comfort
your heart embraces love

and love
well
    love
equals happiness

in a room
full of people
i gaze into eyes
trying to find
the one set
that is real.

the sounds of life
surround me
the echoing of distant traffic
the sing song of birds
muffled arguments
a firecracker
close by
if i concentrate hard enough
if i allow myself
to leave
myself
i can forget my life
i can imagine a fantasy life
for me
an easy going life
filled with everyday sounds
smooth living
a mind void of troubles
contentment

if i just listen
to the everyday sounds
of everyone's life