strolling
through my mind
seeing the nothingness
  wondering where all my thoughts are
poking the grey
urging a response

   nothing

a mindless walk
lost in a vast void
   of emptiness.

******* away
   with a look
and liquify me
  with words

now that's
hot.

a gathering

at first glance
innocent enough

hardened smiles
seemed made of
plaster

not one of which
wants to know
the other

riding the ebb
of familiarities

nodding heads
of blank faces

not caring
       nor curious
but always
agreeable

a gathering

yes

of a room full of
complete strangers.

following the happiness and exuberance
of others
   in my head
wishing, hoping, craving for
the realness of that
   in me
willing my mind to soar
instead of descending
into the depths of despair
this all consuming darkness
is overpowering
the grayness of the days is suffocating
i am crying out for an illumination of time
bring me the essence of a brilliant sunrise to sunset
show me the wonderment of a prismatic world
ensure in me pure exultation.

gawking and gazing
observing and seeing
knowing what is
and what is not
continuing with the flow
of what i've come to know
ending the day
not with regrets or disappointments
but with an understanding
of what has become
    ... normal.

***** infested words
spew from my fingertips
having been dug
deep
from within my soul
the whiskey
loosens my thoughts
giving false bravado
to what i feel
must be said
there's no love here
none that's lost
the pit of loneliness
broadens
the tender caress
of drunkenness
offers warmth
and companionship
to a once vacant
heart
and i'll swim
in a sea of intoxication
kept afloat
by an imagined life vest
provided
by an alcohol soaked
mind.

can i get you anything
a life, maybe
change of scenery
a conscience (why do i always have trouble spelling that word!)
honesty?
yes, how about that?
would you know how to use it
or is that something else
                     i'd have to walk you through
you're like one of my childhood books (nothing beats seuss)
that i've read so often
i only use it for the pictures
so predictable
and stoic (i think that word fits, who cares, i like the way it sounds)

but...
******* it
why do i still feel guilty
when i debase (cool word) you?

still
no matter
how old you are
no matter
how independent you think you are
no matter
how tough an exterior you've built around yourself
i can still feel your hurt
you must remember
you come from me
i am now, as i've always been
a part of you
so...
when you're feeling down
troubled
used
heartbroken
humiliated
or angry
i am here
for you
now, as i've always been.

i woke up breathing in
   another day greeting
     me
my heart beating
   within me needing
     peace
my eyes pleading
   my arms retreating
     lost
my soul bleeding
   my spirit receding
     alone...

misleading dreaming.

i don't want a 4am phone call
asking for help

i don't want the crying
the begging
the accusations
thrown at you
but effecting me just the same

i don't want that sunken heart feeling
while answering a call i have always dreaded

i don't want to see you
in a state
of belligerence
incoherent
combative and drunk

i thought i was through with all that
once you left

i can't help you anymore
you chose to grow up
and move out
you said 'it was time'

yes, you have moved out
but you are far from grown up.

crayon colored pictures
show the innocence
of childish art
giving colors
where none were intended
making happy faces
out of gloom
showing rainbows
in storm clouds
bringing to life
flattened outlines
on a simple page.

we sat alone
on the bench
in the park
people watching
you tossed bread from your sandwich
to the pigeons
silently we stared
we held hands
every once in awhile
your thumb would graze my palm
time passed
and the sun began to set
the sky an intense purplish orange
you stood then
bent down
kissed me on the cheek
turned and started to walk away
i watched you
just as we had watched the pigeons
only moments before
but this was different
i was watching my love slip away
and i couldn't stop it
or you
our time was up
i should've kissed you
yes, i should've kissed you
now you are the one
that got away.

you're the positive one
or so you try and prove
plastered smile
flippant ways
but you haven't mastered
the concealment of your eyes
truth bursts from them
the sadness
   and anger
the insecurity
   and need

and the hurt
the hurt is most obvious

let the tears flow
let them wash away the falseness
know no shame
in being less than perfect
for less than perfect
is perfection at it's finest.

everyone offers their idea of happiness
desirous to believe
                   that it is real
hoping beyond hope that they have found it
       knowing, but questioning
that they are different from the others
    playing a game
        assuming a character
while making others think
    that they are the anomaly
            of what truly is

there is no true happiness
                     no real satisfaction

     and accepting that?

the sooner the better

make due with what you have
consummate what is offered to you
live the life that you are comfortable with
without fears
without lies
without obstruction
and you too
can redefine
the definition of happy.

you wave your flag
of arrogance
up down and around
proving to everyone
but yourself
that everything
is A-okay.

across a crowded room
i see the one thing
that keeps me solid

it's you
           my son

your perfection
is beyond comprehension
to me

your heart
makes mine explode

and when you smile
there's no comparison

to the great love
i will eternally
hold.

my mind is full
   and time is lost
i'm here
   wishing i were there
it's morning
   but oh, how i crave the night
bright sunshine
   yet i yearn for clouds
      cry for rain
bodies rushing about
   and i shake my head
      at their uselessness
words crashing into each other
   senseless but sensible
        to me
comfortable in my solitude
   not asking or expecting companionship
anytime soon

seclusion keeps me safe.

disappointment
a punch in the gut
   but
you stay steady
trying hard
to hold your head
up high
while your will
is slowly
diminishing
   confidence
    draining
but you hold tight
onto the smile
that will
keep
you
solid
   sane
     together
giving you the courage
to try
once again.

lazy and listless
frumpy and bumpy
   and tired
it takes my all to slip on a pair of jeans
   depressed?
i don't think so
uninterested...more like it
    unimpressed
      bored
         and tired
sleepy tired
tired of the monotony of things
   tired of the same old faces
and the same old voices
talking about the same old ****

UGH!

*"...there must be some kind of way out of here..."

what's it like
to believe
with your whole heart
and soul?

to put trust
in your faith
and give to the unknown
to make things right

when bad happens
is it really "gods will"
or do you use that
as an excuse
to your laziness
or naivety

you offer your heart
your time
your money
to something none of us has seen
and revel in the comfort
of the holy spirit

i sometimes wish
i had that kind of faith
and surety...
offering all my misery and woes
to a god i've never met
but knowing
without a doubt
that everything will be
taken care of.

the green of the earth
has been well fed
weeded
coddled to look perfect
the grass lies even
measured by sight
and given the nod of approval
an empty head
an observant trust
comparisons to what's close
welcome to everyday americana
welcome to every neighborhood, USA
belted khakis
plaid short sleeved shirts
ball caps emblazoned with beloved teams
many digits in the bank
shiny car in the drive
1.2 kids
boasting chocolate covered faces
sticking out drooling tongues
dad's an *******
mom's a lush
but the fine schools accept them
the almighty dollar opens closed doors
"amen' on sundays
work on mondays
"oh, mr. smith" on top of the desk come tuesday
it's the continuation of what was
the non questioning of how it should be
a fat wallet
an obese gut
swollen lips bursting lustful obscenities
cooing lashes welcoming
a sweaty, squeezing grip
on the ***
everytown, USA
yourtown, of these United States
ablast with preversion
bloated with cash

what a sad state of affairs
do we project...

the boy spins a top
while the girl watches
her eyes spinning
as the colors go round & round
the boy falls into fits of laughter
when the girl looks at him
in cross eyed surprise.

i become disillusioned
by someone "grown"
who doesn't know ****
and then enlightened
by that one
proclaiming naivete.

these twisting, turning days
of confusion
suffocate me with an intensity
that i feel may someday
   destroy me

i talk in verse
and get looks of disdain
rolling eyeballs the norm
shaking of the head
why can't she just talk normal
   on everyone's tongue
eyes filled with confusement

so i shake my own head
and walk away
looking to the empty page
of a, as of yet, unwritten poem
and there the verses flow
   to be embraced
     by the creative
       to be appreciated
by people
   like me.

i touched a cloud today
just because
i think i startled it
because it began to sprinkle

sometimes i look at myself
and don't recognize who i see
i want so desperately to be something
                   i am not
i try in vain to become that person
                    i admire
i try hard to be good
kind
honest
loving
but those feelings are lost on me
i am filled with so much anger
dislike
unease
and then guilt
it becomes unbearable
my insides boil when the blackness
of these feelings overwhelm me
i become a stranger to myself
and i am filled with loathing
against my weakness.

i want to live in my imagination
amongst the people and things
that are perfect in my mind

i will laugh with the silly
dance with the agile
walk with the inspired
and swim with the buoyant

i will talk with the wise
sing with the melodic
and paint with the most artistic

i will make love to the sensual
and i will hold hands with the one
who was cut perfectly for me
by my ingenuity

yes, i want to live in my imagination
where everything is structured perfectly
just for me
                  by me.

strange bedfellows we do make
where have i heard that
but looking at you
next to me
              asleep
looking peaceful
i know that this is true
i wouldn't have picked you
   from a crowd
but you picked me
and i gave it a chance
out of loneliness, maybe
      ... feeling *****, quite possibly
and i'm glad i did
because strange can be good
when it comes to bedfellows.

i watch you walk away
leaving a grey cloud
in your wake
as the heals of your boots
scrape the dusty road

and my last memory of you
   is lost
           in a puff of smoke.

you reached my heart
with your pleading eyes
begging me to make things
better

oh, how i want to

it may be difficult
   easing your pain
i could offer a kind word
open arms
but your pain is deep
from many years of damage
it's left you nearly unrepairable

but looking closely
i notice a glimmer of hope
in your weary eyes
a spark that hasn't been extinguished

and it's then i know...

it's not to late
to try and fix you

and together
we'll make you into a stronger version
than the one you were before.

i need new boots
these are just too worn out
   scuffed up
      the sole is cracked
   the leather beaten...
but ****
  i love these boots
we've been through a lot...
i've worked in 'em
    partied in 'em
        vacationed with 'em
      kissed
  hugged
       kicked off and
******* with 'em
      nah
i'll hold onto 'em for awhile
these babies carry way more
than my feet.

i'm suffocated by loneliness
while waiting for an assumed
arrival
hope is always high
until the hours fade
and darkness is all around
by the wee springing
of morning light
i know the wait is over.

two people
are walking down the street
hand in hand
i wonder...
are they happy
do they truly love one another
                   or
is he thinking of another
                 she
and is she wishing
she would've married
               him
or is what i am observing
just what it seems to be

two people in  love
walking down the street
hand in hand?

a given hope
retracted
is what i expect
from you.

i have memories of church
as being something
required
five days a week
   plus sundays
walking in a straight line
   no talking!
don't even acknowledge
   your neighbor
the closer we got
hands became folded
heads bowed
enter in complete and utter
     SILENCE!
repeating the responses
all known by heart
never really understanding the meaning
the final AMEN!
and out the door we went
a little more relaxed
sometimes a quiet whisper
a small giggle...

i guess making our way towards god's house
was much more sacred
than leaving.

at times i find myself
talking poetically
            getting crazy-eyed looks

and when i do
i stare back in wonderment
            then sympathy
realizing i am sharing space
with a very colorless
         uncreative
    ordinary
mind.

the flame is burning
   behind my eyes
     blurring my vision
then slowly sharpening the edges
   causing this place
to break up into pieces
of shattered
          nothingness
filling me with an uneasiness
that begs for sleep
to keep me in blackness
    and unaware
of the turmoil that surrounds me

          until i wake
and realize

that nothing has changed.

knowing
just knowing
it's you i'm looking for
i feel my search is in vain
for you
are nowhere to be found
time's running out
my search cannot turn to desperation
for in desperation
nothing good comes.

he leaned up against the wall
smoking
casually flipping his lighter
open
close
open
close
i don't think he noticed me
noticing him
but i really didn't care
he was perfect
tall, lean, ripped blue jeans, leather jacket
dark hair, unkempt
sullen eyes
i couldn't help but stare
i wanted him to notice me
i willed him to notice me
he finished his smoke
and casually flipped the wasted end
onto the pavement
then
he glanced up
and our eyes met
and he did notice me
no expression at first
and then the small creepings of a smile
"smoke"?, he asked
"sure", i said
my heart was pounding
my knees felt weak
but i went to him, smiled, and retracted a cigarette
from his pack
this was absolutely perfect
a dream come true
a fairy tale beginning
to the meeting of two perfect souls
but there was one, slight problem...
...i don't smoke.

this world
my world
is filled with hope

gooey eyes
look up and beyond
with a hurtful yearning
searching for the unseen
and the unimaginable
grasping every
last
sliver
of what
might be

the weakened mind
hallucinates
sways to the beat of
a drum
only heard
by one

and when rested eyes
spring open
the hope
   the positiveness
is desperately
forcing it's way
through
to show the world
how happy
one can be

although within a slowly beating heart
the truth is heard

and felt.

in my dream i am falling
my arms are desperately trying
to grab onto something
   anything
to help stop the descent
but i am in a free fall
twisting and turning
towards earth
riding vaporous clouds
that feed the plunge
with brisk tail winds

sensing the ground rushing towards me
i become calm
and allow myself to be taken
accepting what awaits me

awakening with a jolt
i realize the dream
and i am filled with a small sense of
sadness.

...she looked at me
   wide eyed
     mouth forming a small O
and i wanted to bottle her up
put her on a shelf
and keep her innocent
forever.

her hair was the color of
   lemon peel
her eyes a crystalline blue
   skin porcelain
delicate fingers
were curled slightly
seemingly in wait
for something to fill them
her lips pursed oh so delicately
as waiting for a kiss
or whistling a simple tune
her expression was stuck
in a careless emotion
never feigning surprise
         happiness
        sadness
    or anger
and she sits & waits
for the inevitable squeeze
that comes from the excitable little girl
not feeling a thing
but offering comfort & love
just by being there.

i'll lead you into my depths of despair
  if you'd like
let me show you the darkness
   as i see it

i'll offer you my pain to feel
and have my teardrops fall upon your face
so you can experience the burning
sadness that accompanies me always

reach in and grab the strong fingers of despair
   that grip my heart
    and leave me suffocating

so then maybe
    maybe
you'll understand me
a bit more.

a confetti of white
tossed from above
blankets the earth
in silence.

how each day comes to me
burdened with the sorrows
of yesterday
my hope for overnight calm
   diminished
    shattered
with the gaping dawn

how each day drags for me
ladled with added suffering
   and worry
building to a crescendo of torment
    deafening me

how each day ends for me
head pounding with explosive thoughts
my mind begging for sleep
    and unconsciousness
weary with the expectation
of facing another day

the days blur
into nights
and i'm still
me

assuming position
wanting assurance
hoping for flattery
that rarely comes

the mirror has betrayed me

the once bright eyes
that stared back
have turned into
criticizing
judgemental
globes of hypocrisy

i harbor a dislike

i cradle a disgust

the love, built over years,
has crumbled down
after just one glance
into the
familiar.

looking down
at my boots
watching them
kick leaves
and dirt
to the side

passing time
by the swooshing
of footsteps

the crisp air
grips me
in an uneasy embrace
carrying me forward

i feel my mind slowly clearing
with each careful step

coming to the edge of the clearing
my eyes greedily consume
what's presented before me
miles and miles
of mind blowing awesomeness

it's me
and nature
and i hope
beyond hoping
that this is enough.

my heart is mutilated
by self pity
squeezing the life out of me
with every breath
breath in
               breath out
in
    out
in...

letting it out
s
  l
   o
    w
     l
      y

i am rooted
                   for a second

but that's a start.