looking down
at my boots
watching them
kick leaves
and dirt
to the side

passing time
by the swooshing
of footsteps

the crisp air
grips me
in an uneasy embrace
carrying me forward

i feel my mind slowly clearing
with each careful step

coming to the edge of the clearing
my eyes greedily consume
what's presented before me
miles and miles
of mind blowing awesomeness

it's me
and nature
and i hope
beyond hoping
that this is enough.

the lesser me
is always present
my positive proclamations
will be overshadowed
by a nagging feeling of
not good enough
not pretty enough
not skinny enough
not smart enough

no...
scratch that
i'm always smart enough
     pfft
actually
i'm smarter than...most

so...

we're back too
pretty
         skinny...

such shallowness

that's me?
is that really how i feel?
                                    me?

this overly wordy
exceedingly articulate
totally capricious
me?

imma gonna step back a bit
lemme reevaluate
reassess
and gauge
this
'lesser than me" ****

i AM all that
i AM smarter than most
i AM ******' writin' my poems for the whole ******* world to see!

so...

take that
my weak,
cowardly
'inner' self

you, uh, me, uh i...
need to ball up
and show the world

that i am
ALL THAT

and then some...

you are the breath i crave
on lonely days
when desperation
suffocates my very soul

your embrace
warms me
the feelings of hopelessness
slowly draining
while i am filled
with temporary
ease

when i shake
you calm
when i cry
you soothe
when i feel alone
i think of you
and i dream
of love

and this love
the only love
in the purest of forms
cradles me
and lulls me into believing

i'm going to be
ok.

grazing through words
i am distracted
after the first sentence
i am not thrilled
i am not awakened
i am bored
with the trivialities
of the normally written
verse.


a broken heart
a good poem
does not make.

walking
my mind scrambled
the swirling of my thoughts
make me dizzy
unstable
light headed
i try so hard
to get a grip
but the anxious hand
that grips my heart
is too strong
it squeezes
squeezes
and my breath catches
i stop
to calm myself
close my eyes
breathe in 2...3
out...2...3
and opening my eyes
i am greeted with life
life
life!
LIFE!!

and i decide
at that moment
to live
again.

sitting in my car
waiting for a train
listening to the hummmm
of the engine
and it lulls me to sleep
only to be wakened
by the blare of a horn
behind me

the nerve of some people!!!

living
but
not being

alive
but my brain is fogged
by the unending
pounding
of what should be

books quoted

sermons rehearsed

eyes that try
and intimidate me
into believing
that, which cannot possibly
be

i'm better alone with my thoughts

leave me

with my own assumptions

do not
shatter my happiness

let me clear my head
with what i know is true.

among family & friends
    is when i feel most alone

i laugh when expected
   (sometimes a beat too late
getting a sidelong glance
and questioning eyes)
  i shrug

i want to say
   ignore me
i'm really not here
  
you people don't know me at all
   you
my blood
     my dearest
       and bestest

who of you has taken the time
to really know me?
to unravel my flaws?
to arrange the pieces of my brain
that don't quite fit?

who of you isn't embarrassed by me?
by my strangeness?
and odd behavior?
my silly clothes?
and wild ideas?

which of you truly love me?
not because it's expected
   or required
but because i am just that...
     lovable

i don't need your love
   really
just show me
your acceptance

or leave me be.

mean
   cold blooded
  ignorant
rude
uncaring
    selfish

i've been called worse.

connecting eyes
from across the room

i've settled for less

intoxicating beauty
is what i see
and the longing
i feel
comes to a peak

the yearning to touch you
is overwhelming
and lust drips from my fingertips
searching for a
connection.

lying, in the dark
staring at nothing
but seeing it all

clarity has always been there
just look
do not force -
accept

acceptance
forgiveness
a willingness to let go
this will bring peace
this will provide answers

letting go may be hard
but letting go is sometimes
necessary for internal harmony.

why do i continue
to scrape the cut that's myself
deeper and deeper
each day
knowing that soon
the wound will be too severe
to heal?

i don't want something
that rhymes
what i want is a few words
that cause goosebumps.

the walk
took a turn
onto a mud filled road
either being ****** in
the mud
or tripped up
by huge stones
placed precisely
in my path
struggling to advance forward
feeling the constant pull
to go back
knowing it would be easier

stopping
i strain desperately
for any sign of encouragement
that continuing ahead
is the path
i must take.

i feel you with me
especially when i'm blue
i remember
the simple words you offered
that told me you cared
i know it was difficult
for you, sometimes
showing compassion
   encouragement
     love
but i never doubted it
and i always, always felt it
my hurt was your hurt
my desperation was your desperation
my happiness blazed in your eyes
i will never be loved like that again
i will never feel as secure as i did with you
i miss you, dad
i miss your solidness
your quiet
the comfort i got
when you reached for my son

yes, the good die young
   and you...
you were one of the best.

dragging through this wintery day
seeing things through a hum drum
bleakness
grays become grayer
instead of glimpsing chromatic colors
the world spins in monotone
the shell that has enveloped me
needs more force to undo
than what little power i have in me
my mind has become trained
to resist me
pulling me deeper into the depths
of sadness
my want has not become strong enough
my motivation is non existent
this hopelessness
is tearing me apart

i'm begging for the strength
to search for the brilliance

thoughts of you
catch me unguarded
   glancing at the door
   walking down the stairs
   mindlessly watching the cars park
i think of you
working on someone's car
and phoning me so i can see you
from the window...shirtless
   i'll catch a whiff of you
while walking to my office
and i wonder
is this the smell of him
or has this scent always been here
undetected by me
until i became involved
with him
you still surround me
very much so
and i miss it
i miss you
and the way you made me feel.

love
is a great subject
for a poem,
    or a novel,
       a movie,
or documentary

there have been discussions,
   studies,
       theories,
      thoughts,
and opinions

doctors have analyzed it
picked it apart
and made assumptions
to try and explain
this most complex
of emotions

every person feels it differently

some people embrace it
others fend it off passionately

it can be the most euphoric
of feelings
but also leave a person
devastated beyond relief

it has provoked suicide
and laid the groundwork
for ******

it is a feeling that can't be taught

there is no right
      and no wrong
way to go about it

every love affair
has a different start
and an unpredictable end

but one thing is certain
when the end does come
the scars it leaves
cannot ever
    be fully healed

so really...

is it truly better
to have loved and lost
than to never have loved
in the first place?

i carry this secret inside of me
struggling to hold it
   tight
feeling it pushing at the outer corners of my mind
waiting for the chance
to escape
   from my lips

but by liberating my heart
i will ******* another's

you have left me with this burden

   by freeing yourself
   you have imprisoned me
knowing my choice will always be purgatory
rather than selfish deliverance

you, son, live a lie
live with a lie
ignoring the obvious
building a wall
from crumbling stone
and elmer's glue
only begs for the enemy
to knock it down.

i've been climbing
this same mountain
since
my day one
the stones
that hurt my knees
are stones
i've placed
the steepness
of the journey
are the degrees
i've set
the accuracy
couldn't be more true
and the stumbling
i've encountered
has been provoked
by me.

looking
at you
i find peace
in your eyes
i can drift
in the stillness
of your breath
the comfort you give
isn't planned
or practiced

it
   just
      is

you offer
the pureness
of yourself
and i am one of the lucky ones
who get to
experience
it.

swinging high
swinging low
cowering from the bright sunlight
feeling ecstatically numb
come twilight
being torn apart by unnerving dreams
waking exhausted and drained
eyes ablaze and red
floating through the day
confused and distracted
desperate for sleep
but fearful of another disruptive night.

you swallow your
bottled up anger
and spew onto the next person
that dares approach you

friend or foe
you know not the difference

they're all the same
   to you
you're as comfortable
with each
   which isn't at all

you've been crippled
bred in abuse
rage
   and hate
you know no other way

born innocent
then molded
into knowing
                     only how to hurt.

holding on tightly
not wanting to give up
not wanting to give in
pulling
struggling
to keep a grip
loosening
becoming unsteady
feeling a slight release
shaking
trembling
losing control
then stubbornly letting go

and finally
finally
i have set myself free.

toppled thoughts
of tumultuous
times
tread tenderly
teasingly
underfoot.

walking along an empty road
that's endless
swimming in a sea
devoid of surf
lighting a fire
that will not burn out
climbing a mountain
that has no peak
soaring through a universe
that lacks gravity
these things ignore time
are unmeasured
infinite
these things possess the feeling of freedom
something we all seek
something we all need
something we all should have
without trying

in the concrete jungle
only an artist
will find beauty
in rainwater flowing from a drainpipe
onto the cracked sidewalk.

i want to crawl inside of myself
to roam the byways, highways, streams and valleys
of all that is me
i want to poke, probe, dissect, and analyze
why i am who i am
what makes me tick
when, why, what, where and how
do i do what i do when i do it
where's the on switch?
the off?
what makes me go faster
slow down
or stop altogether?
why are the choices i make
the choices i made?
i want to squeeze my heart
punch it
make the blood flow
smoothly, warmly
pumping, pumping
filling me with new life
i want to cleanse my brain
purify it
taking me back to the start
to the innocence and trust
the hunger for knowledge
the openness for love
i want to find me again
and join me with myself and i
to begin our journey again
to try and get it right this time.

you can't summarize me
for you don't know me

i won't allow it

i give only so much

i will not show weakness
     i won't shed tears
or beg for a hug
     i won't cry
    after your proclamation of hate  

no matter how hard you pull
you cannot bring me down

the dirt you sling
                     the pity you seek
cannot touch me

you're becoming desperate
and in desperation
you will fail

and you will be alone

and all i had to do
                was
nothing.

i want to be creative
in what i do
always
the way i talk
   the way i write
         draw
              think
        exist
creativity lives in me
but sometimes
   sometimes
i push too tightly
to keep the door closed
and then i am lost
so why
   why
do i suppress it?

after all this time
you would think
i would know
how to free myself

glass cuts his body
        up
          down
     in
    out
and all the way through
until he is ravished by
an euphoric state
only he understands
he's bathed in blood
which to his eyes
is beautiful
               exhausted
he crashes to the floor
complacent
in long awaited sleep.

how can such a tiny thing
leave such a huge hole in my heart

i miss you, my love

boys, girls
   boys, boys
   girls, girls
this and that
not forgetting the other
coming together
   squeezing
   holding on
                      desperately
wanting
needing
trying to become
   whole

forgetting

that all you need
is
   right
            here.

when you've loved
it's a feeling
like no other

when you're touched
by something, someone, beyond
compare

when you've
found
without looking

and not questioned
what was always
there

you're at home
with that one other

you've found peace
just sitting in a chair

this other person
exudes perfection

without you even knowing
that's why
they're there.

is it all about love
is it all about having someone
to talk to
         hang with
     lean on
are loners professing their happiness
   lying?
looking at the rain feeling peace...
   a facade?
           skidding cars
       moaning cats
        garbage can lids being opened
                    then closed
noticing that...
is it wrong to be so acute to my surroundings?
if someone were here
would these things be less noticeable?
        i like the rain
        i like insignificant outside noises
        i like letting my mind create fairy tales
                                      on what is happening
                                  at any precise moment
                              just because i am aware
but if someone were here...
...if i were in love enough
              to have someone here
would i become less whimsical?

standing alone
in the deep valley
i am carpeted by the dust
   of bygone days

memories float past me
   dissipating before my eyes
as my hands grasp vainly
   desperately trying to hold on
to just one small granule
   of an almost forgotten
past.

there's a drop left in the bottle
and i let it slowly
drip down my throat
closing my eyes
and accepting what little burn
that drop offers
fumbling for the pack of cigarettes
my hands shake slightly
as i light one
   easing back slowly
     breathing in deeply
and enjoying the peace that consumes me
for whatever little time
i have it for

this is heaven.

another night
going home
alone
but
by choice
i observe you all
   bickering
     watching
      not trusting
going home in anger
to wake up with dread
why go through it
   i wonder
i know i have done the same
in the past
and i question why
why do we put up with unhappiness
just to claim being
coupled
doesn't make sense
to me
but
if you're accepting of it
go for it
but me
i'll settle with
going home alone.

i don't have the convenience
of acceptance
too many questions
fill my head
dissection of a common assumption
is a necessity
and in the end
i am more confused
then ever.

the mentally unstable
live contented lives
     while trapped in their own minds

medicate them
fill them with therapy

and you're left with another clone
to ruin society.

take my hand when i offer it
and follow me into my dream
   teach me what you know
guide me until i am cascading
   down a poetic rainbow
fill me with flowery words
that come to full bloom
   when pen touches paper
help me turn this underdeveloped lump of grey matter
into a kaleidoscope of verses
that boggle the mind.

i flip through
the kaleidoscope of dreams
that are stored in my head
looking for the one
that generates the minimalist of pain
convincing myself
that if dreams truly come true
this one would produce
the least damage.

sitting cross legged
on the floor
breathing in
                  breathing out
trying so hard
            so desperately
to erase you from my life
your dirt
has corroded my very soul
damage control is useless
so all i can do
is try to eliminate you now
before you cause me
further pain
so i continue to
breath in
            breath out
willing you to disappear
   with every breath.

romance & love
   holding hands
wandering eyes
   stealing kisses
unanswered calls
laughing at unfunny jokes
canceled dates
smiling when you want to puke
hurtful words
cringing at a touch
crying alone
old photos moved to drawers
single
winking at the sun
free
   the end
     it feels good.

i've blown the head off
of a furry dandelion
watching the seedlings
twisting and turning
in the gentle breeze
to land softly in my neighbors yard
anticipating with an evil hunger
his cursed filled exclamations
at a lawn covered with weeds.

am i jealous
   maybe
do i get lost in whimsical thoughts
while falling witness to your demonstrative love
   could be
do i crave his kiss
   want his hug
     desire him
                    probably
so tell me

why do you have him
and i do not?

i see you
in the distance
waving to me
   beckoning
i imagine you calling to me
i never left...
i'm right here

and i'll run to you
and you'll lift me up
and swing me round
planting a big, wet,
sloppy kiss on me
laughing, saying
i told you, i never left
i'm right here

and i won't wake up
               because i didn't want you to leave
i always wanted you to stay
             right here.

a baby
  so sweet
   so perfect
brings forth love
that's indescribable
the years
pass so quickly
not so perfectly
but the love never quits
it grows bigger
   stronger
then ever imagined
little boy
capturing my soul
since a seedling
my arms will always hold you
my heart beats with yours
i will always only be a skip away
the purest love ever felt
between a mother and a son.

a blended atmosphere
of love and hate
surrounds me
sometimes suffocating
sometimes freeing
my mind twirls
with feelings
of hopelessness
and want
need
and appreciation

and indifference

i wish i cared more
i wish i loved more
i wish i needed more

a cement block
can only be broken
with force

i search for that force
to break me

free.