the days blur
into nights
and i'm still
me

assuming position
wanting assurance
hoping for flattery
that rarely comes

the mirror has betrayed me

the once bright eyes
that stared back
have turned into
criticizing
judgemental
globes of hypocrisy

i harbor a dislike

i cradle a disgust

the love, built over years,
has crumbled down
after just one glance
into the
familiar.

in the concrete jungle
only an artist
will find beauty
in rainwater flowing from a drainpipe
onto the cracked sidewalk.

you reached my heart
with your pleading eyes
begging me to make things
better

oh, how i want to

it may be difficult
   easing your pain
i could offer a kind word
open arms
but your pain is deep
from many years of damage
it's left you nearly unrepairable

but looking closely
i notice a glimmer of hope
in your weary eyes
a spark that hasn't been extinguished

and it's then i know...

it's not to late
to try and fix you

and together
we'll make you into a stronger version
than the one you were before.

the sounds of life
surround me
the echoing of distant traffic
the sing song of birds
muffled arguments
a firecracker
close by
if i concentrate hard enough
if i allow myself
to leave
myself
i can forget my life
i can imagine a fantasy life
for me
an easy going life
filled with everyday sounds
smooth living
a mind void of troubles
contentment

if i just listen
to the everyday sounds
of everyone's life

there's a drop left in the bottle
and i let it slowly
drip down my throat
closing my eyes
and accepting what little burn
that drop offers
fumbling for the pack of cigarettes
my hands shake slightly
as i light one
   easing back slowly
     breathing in deeply
and enjoying the peace that consumes me
for whatever little time
i have it for

this is heaven.

my heart is mutilated
by self pity
squeezing the life out of me
with every breath
breath in
               breath out
in
    out
in...

letting it out
s
  l
   o
    w
     l
      y

i am rooted
                   for a second

but that's a start.

a gathering

at first glance
innocent enough

hardened smiles
seemed made of
plaster

not one of which
wants to know
the other

riding the ebb
of familiarities

nodding heads
of blank faces

not caring
       nor curious
but always
agreeable

a gathering

yes

of a room full of
complete strangers.

i don't want something
that rhymes
what i want is a few words
that cause goosebumps.

this world
my world
is filled with hope

gooey eyes
look up and beyond
with a hurtful yearning
searching for the unseen
and the unimaginable
grasping every
last
sliver
of what
might be

the weakened mind
hallucinates
sways to the beat of
a drum
only heard
by one

and when rested eyes
spring open
the hope
   the positiveness
is desperately
forcing it's way
through
to show the world
how happy
one can be

although within a slowly beating heart
the truth is heard

and felt.

a crevice carved
deep within
cutting through
the unnecessary
hacking away
at the undesirable
pieces
of things
unneeded
unwanted
but still
there

why?

the scrambled thoughts
i've organized
have urged me
to be rid of
to toss aside
this garbage
that fills my thoughts
fills my mind
consumes my head
with
darkness

an unseen truth
yet a suffocating
existence
of what is real

this unhappiness
this unsettlement
a wavering reality
of
discontentment

and it cannot
or it will not
leave me

and so
i live my life
nodding
smiling
urging those around me
to embrace
to love
to feel utterly fulfilled
in an envelope of plastic
that cannot
be
real

but that which
is a totally acceptable
form of
life.

love
is a great subject
for a poem,
    or a novel,
       a movie,
or documentary

there have been discussions,
   studies,
       theories,
      thoughts,
and opinions

doctors have analyzed it
picked it apart
and made assumptions
to try and explain
this most complex
of emotions

every person feels it differently

some people embrace it
others fend it off passionately

it can be the most euphoric
of feelings
but also leave a person
devastated beyond relief

it has provoked suicide
and laid the groundwork
for ******

it is a feeling that can't be taught

there is no right
      and no wrong
way to go about it

every love affair
has a different start
and an unpredictable end

but one thing is certain
when the end does come
the scars it leaves
cannot ever
    be fully healed

so really...

is it truly better
to have loved and lost
than to never have loved
in the first place?

another night
going home
alone
but
by choice
i observe you all
   bickering
     watching
      not trusting
going home in anger
to wake up with dread
why go through it
   i wonder
i know i have done the same
in the past
and i question why
why do we put up with unhappiness
just to claim being
coupled
doesn't make sense
to me
but
if you're accepting of it
go for it
but me
i'll settle with
going home alone.

take my hand when i offer it
and follow me into my dream
   teach me what you know
guide me until i am cascading
   down a poetic rainbow
fill me with flowery words
that come to full bloom
   when pen touches paper
help me turn this underdeveloped lump of grey matter
into a kaleidoscope of verses
that boggle the mind.

i flip through
the kaleidoscope of dreams
that are stored in my head
looking for the one
that generates the minimalist of pain
convincing myself
that if dreams truly come true
this one would produce
the least damage.

i want to be creative
in what i do
always
the way i talk
   the way i write
         draw
              think
        exist
creativity lives in me
but sometimes
   sometimes
i push too tightly
to keep the door closed
and then i am lost
so why
   why
do i suppress it?

after all this time
you would think
i would know
how to free myself

i've blown the head off
of a furry dandelion
watching the seedlings
twisting and turning
in the gentle breeze
to land softly in my neighbors yard
anticipating with an evil hunger
his cursed filled exclamations
at a lawn covered with weeds.

looking
at you
i find peace
in your eyes
i can drift
in the stillness
of your breath
the comfort you give
isn't planned
or practiced

it
   just
      is

you offer
the pureness
of yourself
and i am one of the lucky ones
who get to
experience
it.

the green of the earth
has been well fed
weeded
coddled to look perfect
the grass lies even
measured by sight
and given the nod of approval
an empty head
an observant trust
comparisons to what's close
welcome to everyday americana
welcome to every neighborhood, USA
belted khakis
plaid short sleeved shirts
ball caps emblazoned with beloved teams
many digits in the bank
shiny car in the drive
1.2 kids
boasting chocolate covered faces
sticking out drooling tongues
dad's an *******
mom's a lush
but the fine schools accept them
the almighty dollar opens closed doors
"amen' on sundays
work on mondays
"oh, mr. smith" on top of the desk come tuesday
it's the continuation of what was
the non questioning of how it should be
a fat wallet
an obese gut
swollen lips bursting lustful obscenities
cooing lashes welcoming
a sweaty, squeezing grip
on the ***
everytown, USA
yourtown, of these United States
ablast with preversion
bloated with cash

what a sad state of affairs
do we project...

am i jealous
   maybe
do i get lost in whimsical thoughts
while falling witness to your demonstrative love
   could be
do i crave his kiss
   want his hug
     desire him
                    probably
so tell me

why do you have him
and i do not?

romance & love
   holding hands
wandering eyes
   stealing kisses
unanswered calls
laughing at unfunny jokes
canceled dates
smiling when you want to puke
hurtful words
cringing at a touch
crying alone
old photos moved to drawers
single
winking at the sun
free
   the end
     it feels good.

i carry this secret inside of me
struggling to hold it
   tight
feeling it pushing at the outer corners of my mind
waiting for the chance
to escape
   from my lips

but by liberating my heart
i will ******* another's

you have left me with this burden

   by freeing yourself
   you have imprisoned me
knowing my choice will always be purgatory
rather than selfish deliverance

glass cuts his body
        up
          down
     in
    out
and all the way through
until he is ravished by
an euphoric state
only he understands
he's bathed in blood
which to his eyes
is beautiful
               exhausted
he crashes to the floor
complacent
in long awaited sleep.

connecting eyes
from across the room

i've settled for less

intoxicating beauty
is what i see
and the longing
i feel
comes to a peak

the yearning to touch you
is overwhelming
and lust drips from my fingertips
searching for a
connection.

is it all about love
is it all about having someone
to talk to
         hang with
     lean on
are loners professing their happiness
   lying?
looking at the rain feeling peace...
   a facade?
           skidding cars
       moaning cats
        garbage can lids being opened
                    then closed
noticing that...
is it wrong to be so acute to my surroundings?
if someone were here
would these things be less noticeable?
        i like the rain
        i like insignificant outside noises
        i like letting my mind create fairy tales
                                      on what is happening
                                  at any precise moment
                              just because i am aware
but if someone were here...
...if i were in love enough
              to have someone here
would i become less whimsical?

stared at
probed
bended
stretched
erased
added to
flipped
extended
squeezed tight

that's how i feel
in the presence of a new love interest

those eyes
make me wish
   for younger days
when seeing eyes like yours
   looking into eyes like mine
was a sure thing.

why do i continue
to scrape the cut that's myself
deeper and deeper
each day
knowing that soon
the wound will be too severe
to heal?

blending into the crowd
that's not me
in a field of red
   i'm the black dot
when everyone's quiet
   it's me who squeals
people are crying
   i'm clapping and laughing
   at the hilarity of the moment
i'm running
   when it says 'walk'
i'm taking something
   that says 'do not touch'
i steal things
   just because
i'm a tail rider
garbage picker
evil eyed lady
that leers at an unruly toddler
i don't kick dogs
i don't eat meat
and i love candy
i drink beer
do shots
and make fun of people
i don't care if someone dislikes me
and i only have a few close friends
i wear sweats to parties
and dresses to bowl
my friends take me
   or leave me
it's all the same to me
i love my son
and would **** anyone that hurt him
my mother's a nut
and my dad's dead
my brother's are cool
but not as cool as me
i'm a great aunt
and an even better mother
i say what i mean
and mean what i say
i'm trying to stop saying '****'
but, sadly, i'm failing
each day is a gift
and even better when i'm drunk
i plan on retiring rich
and can't remember the last time i got laid
i'm doing what i was put here to do
and if i've touched your life...consider yourself lucky

i'm susan
   i'm a poet
and an artist

and i'm in love...

taking a breath
i inhale the ending of another day
thinking i've accomplished a lot
assuming i've shown love where needed
i still feel
           unfulfilled

this unsettling in me
is waring

i've grown bored with
   self medication

i've become unscathed
by the obvious reaching out
   from others

there's still too much hurt
not only my soul
but the soul of so many living beings

   too much hatred
    too much cruelty
the unending suffering
   is exhausting

i accept i am not a savior
i get i haven't the power
to rescue all
   but give me some hope
   show me some progression
                  of goodness
offer me that the majority
   are kind

do that
and the passing of days won't seem so dire

do that
and i'll gain the strength
   to continue on
facing another day
with the promise
of a better tomorrow.

i talk in verse
and get looks of disdain
rolling eyeballs the norm
shaking of the head
why can't she just talk normal
   on everyone's tongue
eyes filled with confusement

so i shake my own head
and walk away
looking to the empty page
of a, as of yet, unwritten poem
and there the verses flow
   to be embraced
     by the creative
       to be appreciated
by people
   like me.

lend me a hand, will ya
pull me up from this deep vat
of loneliness
and offer me to bask in the light
of a thousand suns
after washing me with compassion
and purifying me with love and tenderness
my needs are few/my wants easy
all i petition for is a strong arm to lift me up

forced love
isn't love
giving what you got
and not getting back
throws the answer in your face
you cannot make it happen
you cannot prove them wrong
they know
just as you know
what is
and what isn't
you need to accept that
you need to move past that
let it be
calm yourself
because
where there is one
there is another.

sitting cross legged
on the floor
breathing in
                  breathing out
trying so hard
            so desperately
to erase you from my life
your dirt
has corroded my very soul
damage control is useless
so all i can do
is try to eliminate you now
before you cause me
further pain
so i continue to
breath in
            breath out
willing you to disappear
   with every breath.

dragging through this wintery day
seeing things through a hum drum
bleakness
grays become grayer
instead of glimpsing chromatic colors
the world spins in monotone
the shell that has enveloped me
needs more force to undo
than what little power i have in me
my mind has become trained
to resist me
pulling me deeper into the depths
of sadness
my want has not become strong enough
my motivation is non existent
this hopelessness
is tearing me apart

i'm begging for the strength
to search for the brilliance

sitting in my car
waiting for a train
listening to the hummmm
of the engine
and it lulls me to sleep
only to be wakened
by the blare of a horn
behind me

the nerve of some people!!!

leaves crunch
   under my determined stride
flakes of autumn
   breeze past me
   making my eyes water
the crisp air
   sharpens my senses
   as i breath in a musky
   burnt smell

i gain momentum

fall pushes me forward
   edges me towards the beginnings
   of winter
where the stillness of the season
   comforts me

a baby
  so sweet
   so perfect
brings forth love
that's indescribable
the years
pass so quickly
not so perfectly
but the love never quits
it grows bigger
   stronger
then ever imagined
little boy
capturing my soul
since a seedling
my arms will always hold you
my heart beats with yours
i will always only be a skip away
the purest love ever felt
between a mother and a son.

when you've loved
it's a feeling
like no other

when you're touched
by something, someone, beyond
compare

when you've
found
without looking

and not questioned
what was always
there

you're at home
with that one other

you've found peace
just sitting in a chair

this other person
exudes perfection

without you even knowing
that's why
they're there.

tap tap tapping
on the computer
   working
my mind wonders
   as it usually does at this time
i hear the whir of work trucks
and smell the greasy, diesel exhaust
the mumbled hum of voices
   different but familiar
paper being spit out in sheets
labeled with jumbled words
   and photos
some artwork
   if you can call it that

production
   money
from this pocket to that

the cursor is blinking at me
beckoning me to make a move
   punch a key
    or shut it down

decisions, decisions...

...my eyes tell me it's time to call it a night
   there's always tomorrow
to get this machine running
   once again.

******* away
   with a look
and liquify me
  with words

now that's
hot.

the rain outside my window
grabs my attention
and lifts me
to the places
of my dreams.

it gets old
this thinking
wondering
sometimes hoping
for someone
anyone
to amuse me
enlighten me
stimulate me
with words
conversation
a look
a touch
anything
loneliness gets boring
being alone has lost its charm
i am not a loner
well, not some of the time
anyway
no, some of the time
i need someone
anyone
to rouse me
excite me
love me

ok, i'm ready
come get me.

i want to crawl inside of myself
to roam the byways, highways, streams and valleys
of all that is me
i want to poke, probe, dissect, and analyze
why i am who i am
what makes me tick
when, why, what, where and how
do i do what i do when i do it
where's the on switch?
the off?
what makes me go faster
slow down
or stop altogether?
why are the choices i make
the choices i made?
i want to squeeze my heart
punch it
make the blood flow
smoothly, warmly
pumping, pumping
filling me with new life
i want to cleanse my brain
purify it
taking me back to the start
to the innocence and trust
the hunger for knowledge
the openness for love
i want to find me again
and join me with myself and i
to begin our journey again
to try and get it right this time.

...she looked at me
   wide eyed
     mouth forming a small O
and i wanted to bottle her up
put her on a shelf
and keep her innocent
forever.

you will move
among fields of grain
your limbs craving
the soft touch
of whispered grasses

you will dance
the dance of unbridled
happiness and enraptured joy
closing your eyes
to an imagined peacefulness

love surrounds you

peace reaches for you

you ache to be fulfilled
harmonized
sustained
within a fortress
of unblemished
union

movements smooth
objective solidified
freedom from interference

obtained.

she sits alone
this woman
staring blankly at nothing
thinking thoughts
she wished would leave her
haunted by the past
possessed by actions she cannot take back
her aloneness is deserved of her
she doesn't deny that
for this is her purgatory
this is her hell
the damage she had done is unfixable
the souls she has destroyed
are not salvable
her penance is eternity
to live with hearing
cries of anguish and pain
and to see the hollow, frightened eyes
of the ones she has hurt
she will feel a constant tugging of her heart
hoping for a love that will never come.
yearning for forgiveness
that will never be offered.
yes, this is her fate
this is her road to perdition.

the wall of strength i've built
     can be destroyed with just one look
       from you.

no, not this time
you will not eat me up
you will not tear me down
i am better than that
i am better than you
no, not this time

knowing
just knowing
it's you i'm looking for
i feel my search is in vain
for you
are nowhere to be found
time's running out
my search cannot turn to desperation
for in desperation
nothing good comes.

the pain dissipates
as soon as she turns the corner
and he sees her smile
the pumping of his heart
engulfs his soul
and turns muddy sickness
into something alive
with each of her footsteps
his heart pumps harder
   & deeper
replenishing his body
with the pure redness of life

his life support has arrived
    disguised as angel
            in combat boots.