why are you so weak?
why do you listen to nonsense?
where is your backbone?
do you realize how foolish you look?
do you care how idiotic you sound?
are you that desperate for acceptance?
love?
companionship?
friends?
you have taught me one thing though
how i DON'T want to be
thank you.

are you the one sent
   a new one
this one is special
    this one is different
will you woo me until i fall unabashedly
unadulterated, and unbiasedly
in love with you?
only to toss me to the curb
when i no longer amuse you?
and then will my pain
bring you pleasure
a pleasure that will expand,
even further,
your side splitting, bloated ego?

i've given in to better
   i've been left by the best
you are one of many
that i can tuck into the pocketbook of my heart
to bring out and look at
when my soul need a little bruising.

boisterous people
blowing horns
twisting noisemakers
wearing glittery hats
and shiny beads
drinking champagne with bubbles
giving a shout of

'HAPPY NEW YEAR!'

*good bye
and good riddance
2014

waking and
falling drunkenly into the day
but being completely sober
stumbling out of bed
hitting the floor with a wince
trying desperately to stay solid
even though the ground is swaying
absently searching for the exact pieces
to complete the puzzle that's my mind
   whirl a gig thoughts
   sanity on edge
tears dammed only by chance
another day overcome by a blindness of being
   another day
   waiting for the hypothetical slap in the face

i couldn't help but dip my fingers
into the viscosity of your heart...
...to shake things up a bit
so by the time the wave
crashed into your brain
you'd look at me in drunken appreciation
and fall in love.

don't count on me
i'm sick of being there

don't invite me
i won't come

don't add me to your list
i'm unavailable

don't include me
i don't like you

when i laugh
it's at you

when i plan
your'e not a thought

when i roll my eyes
it's you i think of

you dress funny
your hair's a mess
your walk needs work
and your laugh is phony

so

when you ask if i think of you
that's what comes to mind.

lured to dance with
mephistopheles tonight
diving into the dark
underbelly of the city
creeping unnoticed
on the edge of insanity
playing with the minds of fools
   so easily encaptured
because of desperation
and desire
   effortlessly buoyed
with a feathering touch
   kept afloat
with false promises
of procreation
   left wasted and spent
along the wayside
providing comical relief
for the devil and i

there is only me
in my life

i love me
want me
caress me
yearn for
me

if you
can give me
me

i will be with
you

for me
alone.

i look up at your window
and wonder what it is you're doing
cooking, maybe
listening to music
screwin'

thinking of me?

i pass your office
and wonder what it is you're doing
sending an email
attending a meeting
eating lunch (or your secretary)

thinking of me?

i sit at the bar
sipping a beer
and think of you
next to me
throwing back a shot of jack
and winking at the waitress
and i realize that
no
you never did think of me.

at this time
my baptismal drink of choice
is
three olives
with a splash
of lo-cal cranberry.

Nostrovia!

do you want my coat, lady
would you like my shoes, mister
can i buy you a cup of hot coffee
    laced with bourbon, of course
actually
then you wouldn't need my coat
   or my shoes
for the warmth of the *****
will keep you comfy cozy
   and lost
in the hazy familiar
of an alcoholic mind
   you call home.

i give in to the sad people
   listening
nodding knowingly
pretending to understand
and realizing
my sadness is nothing
compared to what possesses them
i see glimmers of hope
   in a day filled with dread
i can control my tears
   when blasted with ignorant
                                    condemnation
and i can hold my own
when ridiculed, insulted
and debased
my sadness does not encompass
    nor break me
i don't seek pity
or cry for attention
my heart has survived being broken
and has toughened with time
i don't have a hand to hold
or a shoulder to lean on
but i am strong
             hard
       impenetrable

i think i've beaten sadness
   but in return
became a wall of lonely
            strength.

no matter how far away i am
it is never far enough
   from you

   you are there during sleepless nights
i hear your words fall from my brothers lips
  the need you generate
    heats me throughout my day
    in the form of a cold sweat
when i look in the mirror
i see the judgments you've made are true
  the bruise you've left on my soul
   is a constant reminder
   of the hurt you gave

i am a prisoner of my own mind
and your cruel heartlessness
provide the restraints

i feel death
is the only option for peace...

...whether it be yours
or mine.

i passed a man with a storm in his eyes
   spitting grey and blue
he cursed whichever demons
   had taken over his mind

he seemed oblivious to his surroundings
  and to me
but he did walk with a purpose
as if walking fast & furiously
would cast out the pain
that consumed his head

i watched as he suddenly
   struck himself, violently
stumbling back a bit
   he paused
then shook his head and laughed
his stride slowed
                             way
                                      down
he whistled
glanced at the sky
   and then at me
he winked, turned on his heal
and was gone.

   it was that simple.

grab a stick
and set it aflame
wave it in front of your face
and imagine you are in hell
close your eyes
to feel the heat
   steady
     steady
don't bring it too close
for if you end it like this
you'll be facing the real thing
baby.

if you try to kick me when i'm down
i'm liable to reach out a hand
and pull your leg out from under you.

don't **** with me when i'm vulnerable

i see colors of
blue
    gold
      black
          white
and red
flashing through my brain
vaulting against my head
a thunder of pain
searing
kneading it's fingers throughout my skull
   squeezing
until i am numb
and fall face down on my bed
exhausted
   spent
this mirage of agony
   over in hours
but wearing me out
for days.

flowing through life
letting cloudy thoughts
take me
     wherever
meeting whomever
and consenting to being unsatisfied
and unfulfilled
living among the unimaginative
in a world crammed with people

and still feeling
very much alone.

she called me in tears
her heart torn to pieces
my heart breaking for hers
in return

what can i do
what can i say
to ease your sorrow
to salve your wounds

another shouldn't play another
from the inside out
beat me, bruise me, make me bleed
but do not abuse my heart

a sympathetic ear
a comforting hug
a look that says
everything will be okay
is all i can offer

but a broken heart
is the worst condition
the most unbearable sickness
an almost incurable disease...

...who's only unfailing balm is time

time will heal the wound
time will suture the heart enough to help us continue on
time will help us rebuild our courage
regain our confidence
and forget, somewhat, our pain

yes, a broken heart can be mended
healed enough for us to carry on with life
and it will remain with us
to remind us, always
that we had survived
the most damaging life can offer.

******* on a butterscotch
not a care in the world
handing all my problems
to you

my nights are easy
the days fly by
and my dreams
are full of *******

an unblemished mind
gives the best head
to the willing.

my mind is set to blame
   accusations
     finger pointing
      flared anger
and i feed it with a bottle
of...
whatever
to keep it functioning smoothly
   oiled
        greased
  gears shifting noiselessly
with an alert fixed
to cast fault
on whoever may cross my path.

the only hope is time.

so many people in this world
   yet, i feel alone
i've got many numbers
in my book
   yet, i've no one to call
reflecting on photos
from the past
i see happy, smiling faces
   but today
     i struggle to force a smile
lives are cascading
swinging into balance
  a hug is met
    eyes reflect the joy
that is felt
   there's laughter
     glasses clinking
       a kiss on the cheek
         a pat on the back
but i am left
a lonely outsider
looking into
and longing for
that circle of
camaraderie.

the imagined perfection
of what i'd assume to be
was blown to pieces by one word

*******

the fear of hurting
engulfs the weakest
seeks those
   that...can't cope
               seem beyond hope
            yearn for attention
just one positive note
   is desired
a warm hand
  to cradle a tear stained face
  that looks into honest eyes
will stop the pain
   briefly
but just enough to coax a smile.

the day has ended
   with a blank stare
unaware of where the time has gone
not knowing what has passed
feeling voided
   of what could have been.

you seek public appraisal
but can't accept criticism
you offer animated conversation
and lame jokes
but won't consent to looks of confusion
or disinterest
you live a lie
but believe it to be truth

years go by
with nothing changing

your conversations have become less animated
the jokes less frequent
but your belief...
...that has stayed the same
except now
you only have yourself to convince.

i don't notice people much
                           anymore
they've become a blur
in the landscape i pass
while driving
   or walking
      or taking a train
collaged into one
      dreary mass
of blended colors
without definite shapes
bobbing with the bumps in the road
swaying this way
         then that
subtracting a black mass
   which is replaced
    with a greenish shape
that curls delicately
   around a brown one
again
& again

arriving at my destination
feeling i've traveled to it
   quite alone.

riding the highs
coasting through the lows
feeling comfort in both

experiencing the bad
to appreciate the good.

i thought of you the other day
and realized my memories
   are quite blurred

i'd love to take your face apart
inch by inch
pore by pore
counting every eyelash
small lines
barely noticeable
the color of your lips
your cheeks chapping in the cold air
eyes watering with a brisk breeze
chipped tooth
crooked smile
messy hair
the imperfections
that make you perfect
to me.

blank stares
of the offended
that plead silently
for mercy
feeds the flame
of the sadistic
allowing continuation
of assault
on the exposed nerve.

i'm still trying
to wrap my head around
this whole
all you need is love
thing.

i'll give you something simple
like a feathered kiss
upon your cheek

hold onto it

to take out
whenever you want to feel
loved.

blending of emotions
internally
feeling the unsteady beat
of my heart
fighting a constant battle
of knowing what needs to be done
and having the courage to actually do it
longing for a simplicity of thought
dreading the complexity
that has become all too familiar
but knowing also, that i alone
have permitted this anguish
and that i alone have the power to diffuse it.

i watch time
slip through my fingers
congealing on the floor
beneath my feet
a mass of viscous matter
   unretrievable
     unsalvageable
gone forever
passed so quickly
leaving nothing remarkable
on my heart
   nor brain
but the unending cycle
of retrievable time
continues
giving me relentless chances
   to make things better
     to make things good

to become remarkable.

am i admiring
or envying

do i wish it were me
instead of you

are you special
because you're happy

are you more deserved
than me
than the rest of us
lonely hearts

have you found
because you've searched
or were you found
by someone searching

i'm in limbo
   i think

i am neither lost
nor do i want to be found

i'm not searching
but will i find
if i look

why you and not me?

people confusing love
with want
   or need
or a hunger seeking to be fulfilled
  by anyone available
just fill the void
i'll worry about the rest later
doesn't matter if we don't fit
you're here now
that's all that's important
   to me
come on now
let's give this a whirl
you say you love me
i'll profess the same
people around us will smile
and clasp their hands
     'finally'
she has found love
and all will be good

mom will cry happy tears
dad will say, with a thump on your back
   'that's my boy'
friends with partners will include us in game night
   gals won't feel threatened
      guys won't have to hide a peak
and we can skip into foreverness
over the rainbow
tossing daisies as we go
to live happily ever after
in this manmade fairy tale.

you ******* away
with your silliness
your laughter
tickles me
makes me forget what i was mad about

i hate when you do that

i've given up things
because they were toxic to me
unburdening myself
from the weight of the garbage
that cluttered my life
now i am free from the rot
and decay

but redemption hasn't claimed me

although i am carrying a lighter load
the heft of loneliness
is just as burdensome to bear.

lovely thoughts
fill my head
swarming
bumping
swaying
then settling
lying in wait
for the chance
to be
bellowed
exclaimed
and barked
at just the right
person
at just the right
moment.

looking at her tear soaked eyes
i see real pain
   not a show of
     but a feeling of
so deep, deep within
her chest cradles a broken heart
destroyed beyond repair
this girl has lost it
she has been punched with
           the final cut
that has brought her down
  down
     down
torturing the emptiness of her soul
yielding an inflamed wound
leaving her to suffer

alone

having been kicked one too many times
she's shackled with everlasting
   despair.

standing alone
on a fantastical shoreline
i watch another part of my soul
fade away
over the rolling waves
  
and it saddens me

ignite my heart
brighten my soul
   once again
before another piece
sails away from me
forever.

a bellows is used to fan the flames
and my eyes follow the sparks
as they circle into the night

the small girl is staring at me
and i give her a wink
but she turns away

a stray dog is sniffing the ground
hoping for any leftover meat
that may have fallen

i turn my head towards laughter
coming from one of the tents
followed by drunken singing

looking back towards the flames
i realize i am alone

the breeze sighing through the trees
makes my eyeslids heavy
and i allow myself to be embraced by sleep

a happy camper.

i've chosen to eliminate the color
that surrounds me
i want my world to be grey
   for now

   solitude

an encircling of woe
that reaches deep inside of me
embracing my heart with black fingers
and squeezing
    squeezing
deflating me
leaving me with nothing to feel
   nowhere safe to hide
enraptured in the uncomfortableness
of my own mind and body
my only choice is to give into my despair
and wait
wait
for the eventual brightness

again, i look for you
   amongst the faces

staring at shoes
   whips of hair
     sounds of laughter
but you still don't appear

where are you?

why won't you come to me?

what bait should i use to attract you?

i've tried being me
i've tried being someone else
   but nothing works

my expectations have reached their limit
i won't lower
and i can't go higher

i am teetering on the edge

one fall forward
and i will land alone
into the sea of lonesomeness

but if i stay solid
i am still alone.

i look at you
and see the past
a past
so, so unenjoyable
hurtful
but you're here
now
and sincere
or the sincerest
i've ever known
which could be
a falsity
because
the you
that i'd thought i'd known
is
unknown
to me.

it's hard to try and stay amused
when among imbeciles
keeping a calm demeanor
tries on my last nerve
the very being of some
is enough to born thoughts in me
of pure and complete violence
   in the harshest form
these people
these....creatures of habit
commoners living in a habitual environment
carbon copies of their predecessors

give me a headache.

my mind is a poetic jumble
of thoughts
desires
worries
problems
solutions
old loves
new loves
no loves
cash
having enough
not enough
where to get enough
too much work
too much play
boredom
sadness
contentment
sometimes i want to turn it off
sometimes i want to feel empty
sometimes i want to float away
away from all the bombardment
of words
like a helium balloon
going up, up, up
sailing, seeing everything beautiful
taking all the time in the world
remaining empty
and slowly losing that emptiness
starting to deflate
while drifting down, down, down
landing softly -  waiting for the words
to fill me up once again.

grab my hand
and come with me
we'll float amongst
     the stars
while looking down
on people and things
   below us
laughing at their naivety
   in not knowing
what exists
in the simple grasp
of a hand.

the harder i listen,
   wait,
and anticipate
the positive
to come through the door
eventually
             that door
becomes a wall
that keeps
   the positive
                       out

so...
    i'm attempting
   not to think
which i frantically
wrap my brain around
so that no thoughts
suddenly become thoughts
of what i'm trying
not to
think about.