i cried for you last night
sobbing into my pillow
i was wrought with the pain of loss
so fresh
it was as if you'd just left me

i am so sorry

i am still so overcome with guilt
   i can't seem to let go
i had let you down
   you
my most precious love
   you
who trusted me to take care of
   you
i wasn't there for
   you
and, deservedly
my heart shattered

i am so sorry

there's no thing that can fix that
i know...
i've tried

i am so sorry

     it's funny though
because i know you'd forgive me
but i can't forgive myself
and until that day comes,
if it ever comes,
my heart will never be the same
   without you.

i passed a man with a storm in his eyes
   spitting grey and blue
he cursed whichever demons
   had taken over his mind

he seemed oblivious to his surroundings
  and to me
but he did walk with a purpose
as if walking fast & furiously
would cast out the pain
that consumed his head

i watched as he suddenly
   struck himself, violently
stumbling back a bit
   he paused
then shook his head and laughed
his stride slowed
                             way
                                      down
he whistled
glanced at the sky
   and then at me
he winked, turned on his heal
and was gone.

   it was that simple.

she called me in tears
her heart torn to pieces
my heart breaking for hers
in return

what can i do
what can i say
to ease your sorrow
to salve your wounds

another shouldn't play another
from the inside out
beat me, bruise me, make me bleed
but do not abuse my heart

a sympathetic ear
a comforting hug
a look that says
everything will be okay
is all i can offer

but a broken heart
is the worst condition
the most unbearable sickness
an almost incurable disease...

...who's only unfailing balm is time

time will heal the wound
time will suture the heart enough to help us continue on
time will help us rebuild our courage
regain our confidence
and forget, somewhat, our pain

yes, a broken heart can be mended
healed enough for us to carry on with life
and it will remain with us
to remind us, always
that we had survived
the most damaging life can offer.

my mind is set to blame
   accusations
     finger pointing
      flared anger
and i feed it with a bottle
of...
whatever
to keep it functioning smoothly
   oiled
        greased
  gears shifting noiselessly
with an alert fixed
to cast fault
on whoever may cross my path.

the only hope is time.

i have a mixture of ingredients
in my head
which need to be blended together
to form one nice, big, tasty
exclamation
of pure bliss!!!!

lovely thoughts
fill my head
swarming
bumping
swaying
then settling
lying in wait
for the chance
to be
bellowed
exclaimed
and barked
at just the right
person
at just the right
moment.

i don't notice people much
                           anymore
they've become a blur
in the landscape i pass
while driving
   or walking
      or taking a train
collaged into one
      dreary mass
of blended colors
without definite shapes
bobbing with the bumps in the road
swaying this way
         then that
subtracting a black mass
   which is replaced
    with a greenish shape
that curls delicately
   around a brown one
again
& again

arriving at my destination
feeling i've traveled to it
   quite alone.

looking into her eyes
i witness the storm brewing
as her mind thrashes
in waves of hate
lightening bolts of hurt
strike her unsuspecting victim
burning him senseless
eventually leaving him
unable to move
destroyed by the venomous creature
he's always referred to as
mom.

i watch time
slip through my fingers
congealing on the floor
beneath my feet
a mass of viscous matter
   unretrievable
     unsalvageable
gone forever
passed so quickly
leaving nothing remarkable
on my heart
   nor brain
but the unending cycle
of retrievable time
continues
giving me relentless chances
   to make things better
     to make things good

to become remarkable.

i see colors of
blue
    gold
      black
          white
and red
flashing through my brain
vaulting against my head
a thunder of pain
searing
kneading it's fingers throughout my skull
   squeezing
until i am numb
and fall face down on my bed
exhausted
   spent
this mirage of agony
   over in hours
but wearing me out
for days.

2 young girls
meet by a locker
for the very first time
eyeing each other
suspiciously
exchanging hellos
giggling at a lame joke
comparing class schedules
agreeing to meet up
in gym class...

...and so begins a life long friendship.

i can feel the broken hearts
all around me
i can sense that most
are unhappy -
discontent
why is that?
i wonder
with so much acclamation
of true, never ending love...
is it to not be believed?
do people hide behind their hurt and anguish
to put on a happy mask
of blissful contentment?
is that really necessary?
must we pretend?
can't we all expose ourselves
and show the world our raw
exposed nerves of unhappiness
and disgust?
can't we refuse to settle
for someone mediocre
and risk being alone
than to accept someone
who projects an outward appearance
of perfection for all to see,
but who in private
can be the worst beast any human being
can imagine?
this saddens me
this dishonesty with ourselves
this accepting the less
because being without
might project a less than perfect life
i truly believe in one true love
i truly believe we can all possess that one true love
if we would only allow ourselves the luxury of time
time to wait
and time to enjoy the journey towards finding
and then embracing
that one perfect love
that had been set aside for us
since the very beginning.

i couldn't help but dip my fingers
into the viscosity of your heart...
...to shake things up a bit
so by the time the wave
crashed into your brain
you'd look at me in drunken appreciation
and fall in love.

i look at you
and see the past
a past
so, so unenjoyable
hurtful
but you're here
now
and sincere
or the sincerest
i've ever known
which could be
a falsity
because
the you
that i'd thought i'd known
is
unknown
to me.

blissfully
gliding along on a wave of listless thoughts
   smiling
lazily dabbing my fingertips
into the sea that's my mind

   suddenly
heedless thoughts of you
appear fractured in my head

i am rapidly caught up in a whirlpool
of indecisiveness
   chaos
     and dismay
to be eventually ****** down the drain
of total insanity

the more i watch you
the more sickened i become

the overdone laughter,
the flirtatious looks,
the gentle stroke of your hand
on his arm

makes me want to puke
                         yes, puke

i overhear the lame joke you tell
and i am astonished to see him
overcome with laughter
adding a slap on his knee
for emphasis

who is this man,
and what did you do
with the person i once loved?

he hates
   lame jokes
he hates
   unnecessary exaggeration
he hates
   overrated acts of affection

or does he?

maybe i'm the fool
for thinking he felt the same way
     as i...

...concerning imbeciles
displaying unnatural acts
of silliness
just to impress

...for assuming
he doesn't like
public displays of affection

and yes, maybe i'm the fool
   for thinking he doesn't like to be touched
                 too much

thinking of that now
and looking at you
i guess it's settled then

yes, i am the fool.

battered, bruised
   broken
distraught, anguished
  disillusioned
grabbing onto something
that just isn't there
don't you know that?
can't you stop yourself?
    give up
please
save whatever pride you have left
and move on
          to greener pastures
    brighter days
            well lit bar rooms
anything but what you're doing
quit imploring to be noticed
crying...
           ...that's for babies
    ball up
           man up
and go get yourself a real woman
for christ's sake!

the fear of hurting
engulfs the weakest
seeks those
   that...can't cope
               seem beyond hope
            yearn for attention
just one positive note
   is desired
a warm hand
  to cradle a tear stained face
  that looks into honest eyes
will stop the pain
   briefly
but just enough to coax a smile.

lying in a field
sprinkled with wildflowers
and honeysuckle
breathing in
the deep fragrance
takes me back to an imagined time
of yesteryear
a young girl
infatuated with beauty
filled with a wide eyed lust
for life
brazenly consuming
all that's put before her
greedily gorging herself
with the earth's
magnificence
longing for an intoxicating end
of innocence
blissfully embracing
the world in it's simplest form

to dream
and become vulnerable
undressed and open
accepting with an open mind
is a very accomplished task

right now
at this time o'clock
i would offer myself to you
no strings attached

all you have to do
is ask.

don't count on me
i'm sick of being there

don't invite me
i won't come

don't add me to your list
i'm unavailable

don't include me
i don't like you

when i laugh
it's at you

when i plan
your'e not a thought

when i roll my eyes
it's you i think of

you dress funny
your hair's a mess
your walk needs work
and your laugh is phony

so

when you ask if i think of you
that's what comes to mind.

i'll give you something simple
like a feathered kiss
upon your cheek

hold onto it

to take out
whenever you want to feel
loved.

waking and
falling drunkenly into the day
but being completely sober
stumbling out of bed
hitting the floor with a wince
trying desperately to stay solid
even though the ground is swaying
absently searching for the exact pieces
to complete the puzzle that's my mind
   whirl a gig thoughts
   sanity on edge
tears dammed only by chance
another day overcome by a blindness of being
   another day
   waiting for the hypothetical slap in the face

******* on a butterscotch
not a care in the world
handing all my problems
to you

my nights are easy
the days fly by
and my dreams
are full of *******

an unblemished mind
gives the best head
to the willing.

standing at the corner
begging
for a handout
you'll take anything
or so you say
   coins
    coupons
     dollars
       a cup of coffee
  something
anything
to help you get through the day
so i gave you an ad
    a help wanted ad
and you looked at me bewildered
as if to ask
why?
what will i do with this?
   cram it up your ***
is what i thought
   use it for all it's worth
is what i hoped.

a bellows is used to fan the flames
and my eyes follow the sparks
as they circle into the night

the small girl is staring at me
and i give her a wink
but she turns away

a stray dog is sniffing the ground
hoping for any leftover meat
that may have fallen

i turn my head towards laughter
coming from one of the tents
followed by drunken singing

looking back towards the flames
i realize i am alone

the breeze sighing through the trees
makes my eyeslids heavy
and i allow myself to be embraced by sleep

a happy camper.

is it possible to fall in love
with words on a page
to let your imagination
invent the perfect match
just from the text
that is written
feeling in your heart
that whoever wrote those words
has to be your kindred soul
has to be the epitome of perfection
for you?

i'm thinking it may be possible

why are you so weak?
why do you listen to nonsense?
where is your backbone?
do you realize how foolish you look?
do you care how idiotic you sound?
are you that desperate for acceptance?
love?
companionship?
friends?
you have taught me one thing though
how i DON'T want to be
thank you.

the imagined perfection
of what i'd assume to be
was blown to pieces by one word

*******

at this time
my baptismal drink of choice
is
three olives
with a splash
of lo-cal cranberry.

Nostrovia!

do you want my coat, lady
would you like my shoes, mister
can i buy you a cup of hot coffee
    laced with bourbon, of course
actually
then you wouldn't need my coat
   or my shoes
for the warmth of the *****
will keep you comfy cozy
   and lost
in the hazy familiar
of an alcoholic mind
   you call home.

this night
is lost in a winter wonderland
of hypocrisies
   and lies

a babe is being torn in two
by opposites
that know no better
other than what feels right
for them

false smiles
   and promises of love

offerings of
"if you need me, i'm here"
that aren't  honored

i've grown accustomed
to the falseness

i accept the dishonest
hugs of promises
that won't be kept
while offering the same

my back aches
my heart has grown wearier
   still
and i'm left here
with a baffled mind
and the realization
that family
doesn't live up to the hype
of what family
really is.

my mind was the canvas
soaking up your words
   like paint
leaving me with a watercolored picture
   of a love.

so many people in this world
   yet, i feel alone
i've got many numbers
in my book
   yet, i've no one to call
reflecting on photos
from the past
i see happy, smiling faces
   but today
     i struggle to force a smile
lives are cascading
swinging into balance
  a hug is met
    eyes reflect the joy
that is felt
   there's laughter
     glasses clinking
       a kiss on the cheek
         a pat on the back
but i am left
a lonely outsider
looking into
and longing for
that circle of
camaraderie.

why can't i stay captivated by someone
     longer
why does my interest fade

   starting slowly
      then speeding up and becoming
imperceptible

their voice becomes
blah        blah
        blah        blah
           blah

their face begins to blur
i keep blinking my eyes
to try and bring them back in focus
but it doesn't happen
they melt into the background
   becoming a chair
     the bartop
         a glass of beer
        a door
it's all the same

they're the same

    as everyone else
nothing special anymore

just another boring combination of oxygen, carbon,
hydrogen, nitrogen,
calcium, & phosphorus
(i looked it up, that's 95% of what makes up the human body)

              no more mental stimulation
                          the initial excitement is gone

and i am bored yawn

once again.

grab a stick
and set it aflame
wave it in front of your face
and imagine you are in hell
close your eyes
to feel the heat
   steady
     steady
don't bring it too close
for if you end it like this
you'll be facing the real thing
baby.

you ******* away
with your silliness
your laughter
tickles me
makes me forget what i was mad about

i hate when you do that

looking at her tear soaked eyes
i see real pain
   not a show of
     but a feeling of
so deep, deep within
her chest cradles a broken heart
destroyed beyond repair
this girl has lost it
she has been punched with
           the final cut
that has brought her down
  down
     down
torturing the emptiness of her soul
yielding an inflamed wound
leaving her to suffer

alone

having been kicked one too many times
she's shackled with everlasting
   despair.

i've given up things
because they were toxic to me
unburdening myself
from the weight of the garbage
that cluttered my life
now i am free from the rot
and decay

but redemption hasn't claimed me

although i am carrying a lighter load
the heft of loneliness
is just as burdensome to bear.

flowing through life
letting cloudy thoughts
take me
     wherever
meeting whomever
and consenting to being unsatisfied
and unfulfilled
living among the unimaginative
in a world crammed with people

and still feeling
very much alone.

again, i look for you
   amongst the faces

staring at shoes
   whips of hair
     sounds of laughter
but you still don't appear

where are you?

why won't you come to me?

what bait should i use to attract you?

i've tried being me
i've tried being someone else
   but nothing works

my expectations have reached their limit
i won't lower
and i can't go higher

i am teetering on the edge

one fall forward
and i will land alone
into the sea of lonesomeness

but if i stay solid
i am still alone.

i'm strangely uncommitted
my voice is heard
by selective ears
any embrace i seek
must go through extensive
tests and research
i cannot give my heart
for it's under lock and key
and the key has long disappeared
i'm saddened by loneliness
a loneliness i've initiated
and the deadened feelings i've felt
offer me no comfort
this dire existence
leaves me incapable of love
but the yearning i feel
will never leave me.

iv'e seen you a few times in passing
just a glimpse...
a look-see
but that was enough
to mentally push the others aside
and have you take your place in my head

now i look for you most days
searching
for just a glimpse...
a look-see
enough to get my heart racing
just a bit
enough to draw a smile
during the day
when things aren't going
quite so well

you've become a necessary distraction
a delightful curiosity

just stay where you are
when you are there
and let me keep enjoying you.

if you try to kick me when i'm down
i'm liable to reach out a hand
and pull your leg out from under you.

don't **** with me when i'm vulnerable

no matter how far away i am
it is never far enough
   from you

   you are there during sleepless nights
i hear your words fall from my brothers lips
  the need you generate
    heats me throughout my day
    in the form of a cold sweat
when i look in the mirror
i see the judgments you've made are true
  the bruise you've left on my soul
   is a constant reminder
   of the hurt you gave

i am a prisoner of my own mind
and your cruel heartlessness
provide the restraints

i feel death
is the only option for peace...

...whether it be yours
or mine.

am i admiring
or envying

do i wish it were me
instead of you

are you special
because you're happy

are you more deserved
than me
than the rest of us
lonely hearts

have you found
because you've searched
or were you found
by someone searching

i'm in limbo
   i think

i am neither lost
nor do i want to be found

i'm not searching
but will i find
if i look

why you and not me?

i plan on drinking bubbly
becoming bubbly
while floating on the bubbles
making me giggly
with giggles
brought on
by the bubbly

happy new year #2!

the day has ended
   with a blank stare
unaware of where the time has gone
not knowing what has passed
feeling voided
   of what could have been.

i'm trying my damndest to see past you
'cuz i need to know what's pushin' you
i know and you know
you ain't that ballsy on your own
   so...tell me
what is it that pushes you
to get in my face?

you seek public appraisal
but can't accept criticism
you offer animated conversation
and lame jokes
but won't consent to looks of confusion
or disinterest
you live a lie
but believe it to be truth

years go by
with nothing changing

your conversations have become less animated
the jokes less frequent
but your belief...
...that has stayed the same
except now
you only have yourself to convince.