wind blown
   and angry
disappointed
   and rude
cold
   and wet
waiting for the bus
   late of course
   cursing the sky
which responds
by batting my face
with more snow
grey skies
   annoying people

and you

the necessary heat
   that melts my heart.

you stand there
in the midst of an audience
that you always seem to draw
   animated arms
   loud voice
   obnoxious laughter
hurtful words
   as always
using the vulnerable
as your verbal punching bag
   the skinny pock marked guy
with the stutter
   the shy girl
with thick glasses
and stringy hair
the plump jolly man
who enjoys to eat
                so what
but to you
they are targets
objects used to get your rocks off
the things needed
to further expand
your self identified
     power
morality?
     you have none
decency?
     absolutely not
courtesy?
respectability?
good manners?
compassion?
     unheard of...
no, you...
     you're a bully
but also, a shell of a man
that feeds on the weaknesses of others
an egotistical *******

but someday
you will meet your match
man
     or woman
who won't cower in your presence
who will expose you for the quivering idiot
that you truly are.

and that will be the one time
i will be part of the audience
   to watch.

will you leave me
self loathing
disguising the image
i see in the mirror
extinguishing the hope
   it took me a lifetime
to build
with one glance
exhaustion envelopes me
the warmth of my bed beckons
to fill my head with the dreams
of how i want
my life to be
then awakening
to the reality
and disappointment
of how my life
actual is.

awakening
i'm holding onto nothing
the harsh reality hits
that my arms
    are empty
how could something
that felt so good
in my dream
become a nightmare
when i awake?

now
you're a fleeting breeze
a swift sensation
gliding past my face
just out of touch
i can feel the softness
but the comforting warmth,
the protection you'd provided
is long gone
and i am left
with the memories
of what could have been.

the asphalt scrapes my knees
as he drags me along
bump
   bump
      bumping
against the rock strewn road
my head hangs low
my sweater is torn
and i'm naked from the waste down
   and *****
    very, very *****
he might think i'm dead
or at the very least, unconscious
whatever he feels
he doesn't show it
he just grips the strap
tied around my wrists tightly
having wound it once
   twice
   three times
around his own hands

i don't know where he's taking me
i don't remember where i've been
  
and
there's no use fighting it
even if i had any fight left

i'm beyond humility
i feel no shame
the only thing that tells me i am alive
is the pain
the constant, raw, exposed
deeply embedded
pain.

i don't know
if i really miss anything
or anyone
anymore

my mind is set
to accept the now
to embrace
what is
and to ignore
the uncomfortable & galling

it's easier nowadays
to dismiss
cut off
& end
that which doesn't fit
those
who don't understand
   the skeptical
& uninterested
   the fakes
   phonies
   & wannabe's
who are easily molded
swayed
and convinced

i want the strong
the sure
and the queer
i'll take the weird
& unconventional
cocky clowns
who dwell on today
who've dismissed yesterday
and who look forward to tomorrow

i would claim them
as my perfect army
of delicious misfits
who quell for the status
of being obscure

sifting through old photos
remembering this time
and that
noticing, just now
that half lit
smile
seeing, just now
the vacant eyes
staring at the lens
begging to be let go
wanting an end
to the phony existence
spent with a phony
somebody
trying to keep up
appearances
for the eye
of a camera.

your breath
on my skin
shatters me to pieces

I, as a whole
am gone
you've broken me
then look upon the mess of me
with a satisfied grin

as you turn to walk away
i know i won't be coupled
until the next time we meet...

...maybe.

you must pull yourself up
from the depths of despair
   grab onto tar like walls
that make your grip unsteady
and force your way past
   and up
the slippery facade
of dark skepticism
and worry
slowly make your way
towards the point of brightness
above you
if you falter
   **start again
don't give up
   don't give in
and in time
   with determination
and a strong desire
you will reach
the illuminous expanse
of peace
   harmony
and self love.

i've spent a year without you
but the wound is as fresh
as the day you left me

i thought photos of you
would comfort me
but they only prove to be
bittersweet reminders
of what i once had
what i could have protected

but your green eyes do say something
to me
and i find myself lost in them
hoping to find
forgiveness

will i ever not hurt?
can i, in time, forgive myself?

this burden is so heavy
my heart is laden
with the guilt of not saving
   the one thing that trusted me
loved me unconditionally

i will continue to beg for your forgiveness
which will only come
when i can forgive myself.

i see her
rambling along the sidewalk
sometimes the street
shaking
her body shakes
her hands, her head
shaking
and looking down
she's always looking down
passing her
i try to meet her eyes
look at me
i silently urge
sometimes she does
sometimes she doesn't
but when she does
it's only a glance
   up
like she's caught underneath a huge tree branch
that has fallen on her
and has her trapped
her eyes seem to be pleading
always
but for what
i do not know
and she mumbles
grumbles
has conversations within herself
with herself
being pleased with herself
and shaking
shaking her head
at all the inconsequential
beings that surround her
for in her mind
feeble or otherwise
she is sane
an alone sane being
surrounded by nincompoops
and ninnies
who don't understand
or care to understand
that she, and she alone
is normal
or as normal as can be
in this crazy, insane
mixed up world.

standing at the top of the ridge
i am looking down
into the crashing waves
wondering if they would hurt me
                              were i to fall
the grass is green up here
     mossy
and soft as puppies fur
i curl my toes into it
and open my arms wide to the sky
   "i am alive!"
i shout
for every natural thing to hear
   poppies bow their heads
   in understanding
and the clouds take my words away
   to spread with the rainfall
   in some distant land
     not too far from my mind
always within reach
for times when i'm feeling...
                                        not...just...r­ight
then that rain will wash over me
covering me with the pure reality
   that yes, i am here
     i am alive
    and i am blessed.

being filled with an emotion
so intense
it forces tears from my eyes
and envelopes me
in a soft thickness
of comfort...


...finally finding peace.

look
at the sun
if you want to
swallow
watermelon seeds
and gum
if you so desire
step on cracks
listen to loud music
smoke
drink
cut a line
and snort
if that's your pleasure
practice unsafe ***
lie
cheat
steal
if that's within your hearts desire

but don't blame
unless you're pointing that finger
at yourself.

to hurt so deeply
   being so young
is heartbreaking
to see

not wanting to live
   is unbearable
to witness

having no one
   and feeling so very alone
unsettles me

not seeing the good in life
and not having the strength
to try and seek it
   bothers me

but reaching out
  with a written voice
gives me faith
that there is hope.

these people
the people i observe
sometimes stare at
   in disbelief
going through the motions
trying to do what's expected
not daring to cross that line
just doing
   acting
     behaving as
because that's what's expected
                                    of them
i think it's pathetic
   sad
     weak

me
i cross lines
   behave badly
     make enemies
stand isolated
   but solid
in what i believe
   friends?
i have enough
   enemies?
probably too many
   sleepless nights?
definitely too many
and yes
i get lonely
   yes
i get scared
   yes
i question myself
   always
but i won't settle
i won't disengage myself
                       from myself
to be one of
them
to be accepted
by the whole of

this is me
this is what i am
and i'm not afraid to show it
i'm not afraid to shove it into someone's face

i won't perform
just to show
i can fit in
just to show
i am normal

        no
i'll continue to be disliked
i'll continue to be shunned
because exceptional
is way better
than conventional.

a sadness that overwhelms
    consumes
    engulfs you
       with intense suffocation
breath that emerges
in broken gasps
followed by a rainfall
      of unceasing tears
sleepless nights
eat-less days
   bleary eyed bewilderment
head squeezed vice like
with melancholy thoughts of what was
                  and of what can no longer be


heartbreak.

i can hear your voice
   calling to me
through the wind lashed trees
the rustling leaves spreading comfort
   deep within my limbs
oh, these autumn nights
are the nights i miss you most
with the melancholic breezes
   tickling my senses
    reminding me of you
making me remember
                           us.

when you think of me
do you smile?
   i don't
when i think of you

when you dream of me
do you wake craving?
   i don't
when i dream of you

when you're missing me
are you sad?
   i'm not
when i'm missing you

if we weren't thoughts
in each others heads
does that mean
our one true love affair
never existed?

“We either make ourselves miserable,
or we make ourselves strong.
The amount of work is the same.”
― Carlos Castaneda


i like this!!!

there is only me
in my life

i love me
want me
caress me
yearn for
me

if you
can give me
me

i will be with
you

for me
alone.

there's love
   there's hate
there's the mixture of the two
spending time
with these people
i wonder
do they know the difference?
are they holding onto something
   imagined?
     yearned for?
do they picture
the idea of perfection
and decide
YES
it is him
   or her
this is what i've been looking for
   but if not
i will take it
   whatever
whomever it is
for whatever
   whomever it is
is better than nothing

how sad.

thinking of you brings me no joy
where there was once cheer, now oozes doom
where i had once felt peace, a battle rages
cowardice overtakes courage
weakness destroys strength
ugliness replaces beauty
you hold the rope and tighten the noose until i start to fall
and i smile.
but you're not finished. no, not yet.
you release me. 'save her for another day'.
i have failed.
you have won.
but there's tomorrow, i will always have tomorrow.

my mind is a kaleidoscope of emotions
ricocheting off the walls of my skull

a love that's grown boring
two hearts...unattached
   wandering eyes
     watching with intense longing
a need that goes unfulfilled
   a want that becomes desperate
an act that cannot be reprieved
   a separation
a departure
the end of something
   at one time cherished
a new beginning
in the wrong direction.

watching the petals of a flower
gently following the wind
reaching the highest of highs
somersaulting towards fields of color
before floating softly
towards earth
to create beauty
naturally.

he trudged through the sand
kicking at nothing
lazily picking up stones
tossing them into the sea
his legs were stout
his fingers small
whispy blonde hair tossled in the wind
a dog trotted slightly behind him
black and white, i think
he noticed everything
treasures were abundant
a rock became a kings jewel
sticks became dynamite that would be used for an escape
the dog was his Tonto
his beach towel a cape that helped him fly
the beach was where he washed up
after escaping from a pirates ship
grinning happily he spun
round and round
until falling to the ground
overcome by a fit of giggles
the dog barked enthusiastically
also spinning
"DINNER!"
POP
he blinked his eyes one time
two
slightly dazed he glanced around
a frown creased his small forehead
then he slowly, oh so slowly got up
he glanced at his kingdom one more time
noticing the pirate ship in the distance
a slow smile crossed his face
as he turned and started running up the hill
towards home.

seeing you
so uncomfortable
didn't give me pleasure
it made me sad
to see you so unhappy
weird, isn't it
i thought i would find comfort
in your pain
but i don't
you don't deserve it
you don't deserve that
why did you settle
you settled for that
but you couldn't settle for me
i don't get it.

boisterous people
blowing horns
twisting noisemakers
wearing glittery hats
and shiny beads
drinking champagne with bubbles
giving a shout of

'HAPPY NEW YEAR!'

*good bye
and good riddance
2014

i look up at your window
and wonder what it is you're doing
cooking, maybe
listening to music
screwin'

thinking of me?

i pass your office
and wonder what it is you're doing
sending an email
attending a meeting
eating lunch (or your secretary)

thinking of me?

i sit at the bar
sipping a beer
and think of you
next to me
throwing back a shot of jack
and winking at the waitress
and i realize that
no
you never did think of me.

GO BLACKHAWKS!

to write
is like a jolt of adrenaline
shocking me into the realization
that i am here
for a reason

to write.

shroud in black
she stands looking down
into the dark grave
the casket is sprinkled with dirt
and slightly wilted flowers
she tosses a silver coin
             up
watching it flipping over & down
landing with a tink

heads or tails
she'll never know.

Stephen King Used An 'Animal Farm' Quote To Call Out Donald Trump:

"George Orwell on Trump and Putin, in 1945: '“The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”'

she lies on the roof
clothed only in a thin, soft, robe
made of the finest silk
   colored baby blue
the ends flutter smoothly
in the slight breeze
like wisps of grey-blue smoke
from a European cigarette
she's gazing at the stars
choosing the exact one
she wants to float to
the brightest one, of course
the one filled with the most hope
she closes her eyes
and dreams of him
waiting for her, at the edge of her star
with arms extended
   beckoning
she can see his heart beating furiously
in his chest
he calls to her
with eyes filled with desire
she twists slowly in the night sky
the silks of her robe
flowing softly behind her
   loose on her arms
until it falls away breezily
she dances towards him in her nakedness
   laughing
and reaching out
their fingers barely touching

she looks up and see's the look of panic
in his eyes
and she cries
NO!
as her dream breaks up in an explosion
of silver and black

and she is alone
   again
on the roof
... without her robe
and in her hand
                   a small silver star.

are you the one sent
   a new one
this one is special
    this one is different
will you woo me until i fall unabashedly
unadulterated, and unbiasedly
in love with you?
only to toss me to the curb
when i no longer amuse you?
and then will my pain
bring you pleasure
a pleasure that will expand,
even further,
your side splitting, bloated ego?

i've given in to better
   i've been left by the best
you are one of many
that i can tuck into the pocketbook of my heart
to bring out and look at
when my soul need a little bruising.

your wounded soul
peers through the mask you wear
that covers your heart

you cannot disguise
the pain you've endured
for i see it in your eyes

   this betrayal...
         it has hit you
like a left handed sucker punch
and has left you grasping
and pleading
for the surety
you've once felt.

i used to love hearing
my grandmothers laugh
i tried everything i could
to get her to smile
her heart was full
   close to bursting
with the love she felt
no unkind words
escaped her lips
and she listened with an intensity
that burned through her eyes

since she's been gone
i have yet to feel
another love like that.

i'd love to take your face apart
inch by inch
pore by pore
counting every eyelash
small lines
barely noticeable
the color of your lips
your cheeks chapping in the cold air
eyes watering with a brisk breeze
chipped tooth
crooked smile
messy hair
the imperfections
that make you perfect
to me.

lured to dance with
mephistopheles tonight
diving into the dark
underbelly of the city
creeping unnoticed
on the edge of insanity
playing with the minds of fools
   so easily encaptured
because of desperation
and desire
   effortlessly buoyed
with a feathering touch
   kept afloat
with false promises
of procreation
   left wasted and spent
along the wayside
providing comical relief
for the devil and i

he's a little boy
small for his age
he tends to stand at the back
near the back
or around the back
somewhere
invisible
or so he hopes
he doesn't want attention
doesn't need it
is perfectly comfortable
staying unobserved
undetected
he goes through the motions of the day
not raising his hand
head down
scribbling
pretending to be concentrating
praying not to be called on
when the bell rings he hangs back
shuffles papers through his desk
pretending to organize
peering up unseen
until the last foot has shuffled out the door
then he stands, flips his backpack over his shoulder
and starts to take slow, steady steps
towards home.
this little boy
small for his age
suffocated by uncertainties
praying to be left alone
has survived another day without incident.
this boy doesn't want much
he doesn't need much
all he wants is to be left alone
all he wants is to be able to live the day
unnoticed.

people confusing love
with want
   or need
or a hunger seeking to be fulfilled
  by anyone available
just fill the void
i'll worry about the rest later
doesn't matter if we don't fit
you're here now
that's all that's important
   to me
come on now
let's give this a whirl
you say you love me
i'll profess the same
people around us will smile
and clasp their hands
     'finally'
she has found love
and all will be good

mom will cry happy tears
dad will say, with a thump on your back
   'that's my boy'
friends with partners will include us in game night
   gals won't feel threatened
      guys won't have to hide a peak
and we can skip into foreverness
over the rainbow
tossing daisies as we go
to live happily ever after
in this manmade fairy tale.

i'm still trying
to wrap my head around
this whole
all you need is love
thing.

all this loneliness
i read about
   witness
so many people
   crying for love
     craving it
       waiting for it
doing any thing to make it happen
but
ignoring the obvious
   standing in a crowded room
     walking overpopulated streets
       driving in snail paced traffic
not noticing
  not looking
  not knowing
that the love you seek
may be the person
standing close enough
to touch.

she would allow herself
one teardrop
for her broken heart
one
she would store it in a vial
worn around her neck
and when people would ask
what it was
she would reply
*the hangover of my broken heart.

rain
      to me
is like a double dose of ******
with a tequila chaser.

i'm looking at my heart
through blurry eyes
confused
by the lack of pumping
   red blood
the lifeline is missing
instead i see stone
   hard
i can toss it
like a baseball
waiting for the crack
   the connection of wood
   to rock
that sends it sailing
out of the ballpark.

salty tears
fall into my glass of wine
offering a foggy sense
of composure.

i cried for you last night
sobbing into my pillow
i was wrought with the pain of loss
so fresh
it was as if you'd just left me

i am so sorry

i am still so overcome with guilt
   i can't seem to let go
i had let you down
   you
my most precious love
   you
who trusted me to take care of
   you
i wasn't there for
   you
and, deservedly
my heart shattered

i am so sorry

there's no thing that can fix that
i know...
i've tried

i am so sorry

     it's funny though
because i know you'd forgive me
but i can't forgive myself
and until that day comes,
if it ever comes,
my heart will never be the same
   without you.