i keep calling
and calling
yelling
from deep within my soul
but no one answers
no one heeds my pleas
i feel thoroughly alone

the one time i ask for help
and no one is around to answer

ah, welcome today!
tasty breakfast, morning news
hair put up to stay!
ah, welcome today!
bright sunlight, whispy clouds
traffic flowing my way!
ah, welcome today!
a hug hello, a coffee cup
workload kept at bay!
ah, welcome today!

prrrrr
push push push
prrrrr
push push push
a swish of a tail
a scuttling under the bed
diamond green eyes searching, trusting
a nudge at my foot
prrrrr
push push push
prrrrr
a smile crosses my lips
i reach for you
hug nothing but pillow
my eyes mist over
my heart aches
prrrrr
prrrrr
hush hush now
go to sleep
i got you
right here
you'll always be right here

duly noted*
what does that even mean...
...that you are correctly recording
my words of anguish
and disbelief
of the fact that you are
punishing a completely
innocent person
nonetheless?

duly noted.

within your arms
i felt invincible

you protected me from the world
but you couldn't protect me from yourself.

he spends days
ambling
following footsteps
he has yet to make
his mind is gone
no thoughts make sense
no words escape his lips
except for random ramblings
and incoherent observations
made from pictures seen inside his head
he searches for pennies
copper bright
to jingle in his pocket
offering a comfort
only he understands
this simple man
with simple needs
clinging to the belief
that he has a purpose
not knowing or caring
that he is alone.

"Bad"
"'Bad' is just a huge promise of a song. A friend of mine, about as close as you can get, squandered his intelligence and his gifts to ******. Dublin in the late Seventies and early Eighties was a capital for smack. The Shah of Iran had been deposed, and people smuggled their money out of that country in white gold and pearls, by which I mean ******. It was cheaper than ****, it was cheaper than smoking spliff, and a lot of sweet teenage kids, who just liked to smoke a little bit of *****, were offered this cheap high, something beyond their imagination... I tried to describe that with the song, 'Bad, what it was to feel that rush, to feel that elation, and then go on to the nod, awful sleep that comes with that drug..." - Bono, U2 By U2 2006

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless
Lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame

If I could, through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

To let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood shot eyes

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

This desparation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation

Let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

Oh, no
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no no

standing in front of the mirror
she begins to design
blood red around the mouth
dark, dark smears of black for her eyes
spider like lashes
piercings filled with baubles
of all shapes, sizes and colors
bluish black hair ratted
spiked
hardened
and lacquered
chalk blue and turquoise added to the tips
black silky tunic over black ripped leggings
battered black boots
laced up and over the knee
chains
belts
thorny bracelets
silver rings on most fingers
her favorite being a thick skull with eyes of red ruby
and last, but definitely not least,
worn to just the right softness,
a black leather motorcycle jacket
unzipped
checking herself in the mirror
she lights a marlboro and nods
satisfied
maiden of the night
party girl
hipster
punk
cool
confident

this girl's got it
many girl's want it

me?

i admire it.

i won't tire you
with my constant woes
and misdemeanors
i won't burden you
with my worries
i won't squash you
with my unending need
of confirmation
i won't use you
as a sounding board
i won't turn to you
for comfort
that is short lived
i'll forget you
i'll pretend you don't exist
   instead
i'll pack away all my troubles
into the suitcase of my mind

passing the torch of love
from one heart to another
touching each
in very different ways
witnessing the shrinking
of the flame
before each passing
having it reignited
by a new hand
dimming when the new
becomes old
and always
searching endlessly
   for the eternal fuel.

exist
in this moment
don't look forward
don't wander in the past
live and
let your life happen
then and only then
will you attain peace.

my brain
is bouncing
on the jungle gym of life
trying not to misstep
causing me
to land flat on my face.

i could stare at the sky
for hours
watching the changes
and movements of clouds
dreaming
imagining
that all is good
all is simple
love embraces us
a laughing child
birds in song
the twinkling of chimes in the trees
all offer comfort
and together
it feels like a warm tap on the back
i could hide in these sounds
staring at the sky
imagining a place
so far from here.

where are the days of
grandmas & grandpas
aunts, uncles, cousins
& unadulterated, honest,
deep in your belly
   laughter?

no need to impress
   no arrogance
or show-offs, showboats
or gloating

now...
it's plastic smiles
and sidelong looks of disapproval
bad kids
ignorant spouses
and mean old women
      who judge

getting drunk to face the familiar
& dreading the sobriety
& disgusted looks
   of the golden agers

yup, gone are the days of
grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles
& cousins

enter the days spent with habitual strangers.

the lies that hurt the most
are the ones you tell yourself

standing in an open doorway
i breath in the wet pavement
savoring the raw freshness
of a very good rain.

he was 65, his wife was 66, had
Alzheimer's disease.

he had cancer of the
mouth.
there were
operations, radiation
treatments
which decayed the bones in his
jaw
which then had to be
wired.

daily he put his wife in
rubber diapers
like a
baby.

unable to drive in his
condition
he had to take a taxi to
the medical
center,
had difficulty speaking,
had to
write the directions
down.

on his last visit
they informed him
there would be another
operation: a bit more
left
cheek and a bit more
tongue.

when he returned
he changed his wife's
diapers
put on the tv
dinners, watched the
evening news
then went to the bedroom, got the
gun, put it to her
temple, fired.

she fell to the
left, he sat upon the
couch
put the gun into his
mouth, pulled the
trigger.

the shots didn't arouse
the neighbors.

later
the burning tv dinners
did.

somebody arrived, pushed
the door open, saw
it.

soon
the police arrived and
went through their
routine, found
some items:

a closed savings
account and
a checkbook with a
balance of
$1.14
suicide, they
deduced.

in three weeks
there were two
new tenants:
a computer engineer
named
Ross
and his wife
Anatana
who studied
ballet.

they looked like another
upwardly mobile
pair.

walking deserted streets at night
wondering
where you are
what you're doing
who you're with
do you think of me
me, that freak you once knew
me, the one you didn't understand
me, the unlikable
the unknowable
the unwanted
me
just me
without you
to make me feel
freakish
misunderstood
disliked
rejected
just me
without you
to make me feel
not like me

writing
gives my mind
a voice.

if i slip on a banana peel
will you be the one to catch me before i fall
or the one eating the banana and laughing?

all it took
was one look
   and i was yours

the years
   so many
blur into one

a solid sadness
grips my heart

but a smile
taps my soul
   for i did love you

yes, i did love you.

it's time to bid you farewell
                my friend

thinking of you
brings forth memories
of much simpler times
      growing up
and becoming close
when our only worries
were what to wear
to impress the new boys
next door

i picked the wild one
with the firebird
and you picked
the seemingly stable one
with the van
(oh how looks truly are deceiving)

and from then on
our lives were intertwined
with many twists and turns
and acrobatic escapades
          most happy
   but some sad

we were pulled apart
                        at times
but always seemed to find our way back
to each other
and slipped back in comfortably
to a friendship that was reliable
        secure

i won't say i'll miss you
because i know you will be as close to me now
as you've always been
for miles are only space
and no distance can separate
true friends...like us
     connected by the heart

what you are about to face
may challenge you
may make you yearn for the comfortable
          the familiar
and if that happens
you call me
    or think of me
and we'll reconnect
like we always have
       two true friends
   of the heart.

where is the kindness
   to people
     to things
especially to the innocent
   and the trusting

what kind of person
can abuse the trust
    of someone
     something
to hurt
and more importantly
    why?

what can they possibly
get out of it
out of hurting something
               someone
that is weaker
     more afraid
or worse
      more trusting

to gain an innocents trust
just to abuse for sadistic satisfaction
    is beyond evil
surpasses anything humane
and basically
sickens me...
...to the point of provoking evil
upon those who are spineless enough
to hurt the defenseless .

all the preparing
for the big show
the making things perfect
the displaying of stuff just so
there's the
mixing
blending
shaking
seasoning
pouring
cooking
boiling
bakin­g
frosting
whipping
cutting
trimming
spooning
followed by the
devouring
wolfing
scarfing
cramming
munching
chomping
noshing
g­uzzling
slurping
swallowing
and ending with
burping
hiccuping
passing gas
and passing out

happy thanksgiving

the weather's getting nicer
so she'll be back
that silly woman
who walks, shaking her head
and talking to herself
cursing the air
giving *****,
and in her mind intimidating,
looks to passersby
who, in our small town,
have learned to ignore her
and she'll go away

but realistically
she's been gone
a long, long time.

rolling thunder
   acid rain
sick slick namesakes
given to unappreciative
   props
put into places
to fill our lives
with agony
until we figure out
how to go about
without the help
of the unwanted
   the unneeded
and the unnecessary.

the hardest love affair
i ever considered starting
was the one with myself

it's difficult holding onto something
that doesn't quite fit

or not feeling an attraction

when disappointments are constant
   and false promises are made daily

when comfort only comes
  with my mind being blurred by intoxication

the time has come and
   the realization has been made

... the only way this relationship can work
is if serious changes are made.

this day has been hungry
but has left me famished & empty

surprising for a friday.

you asked me to join you
back to the world that was once a part of us
   so, so long ago
for you're still frequenting the same stops
   visiting the same people
sharing the same stories
     the same
     always the same
you don't seem to realize
   or to accept
i'd grown tired of the same
   bored with the predictable
     sick of you
because you're stuck with the same
   and you're happy with that

but me, now
   i'm different.

i read your tumbled thoughts
through your eyes
the mirrors to your soul
and they speak sadness
discontent
unease
and woe
they cannot see the brightness
of the sky
the beauty of clouds
nor hear the sing song melody
of birds way up high
consumption of bitterness
has directed your being
into becoming
an angry individual
a hateful person
vengeful
jealous
contemptuous
i search for the softness
the love
the forgiveness
but i find none
your misery is too strong
and the force of it
makes me abandon you
forget you
toss you to the curb
to live out your pain
all alone.

the line between want and need
becomes quite skewed
when love is thrown
into the mix.

skating away
her golden hair
floats silently behind her
she laughs
as she twirls
losing a glove
then sweeping it up
in
   one
      smooth
         motion
the operatic scrape
of her skates
fills the air
as the mesmerizing
dance of her routine
keeps us fascinated  

she's 10 years old
her worries are few
and her love of life
is still unadulterated
pure and
simple

she does an ice waltz
keeping everyone around her
in awe
while her mind is set
to fun.

i open the window wide
and breath in the foul air
expulsing a ***** cough
what a mistake i made
thinking that an open window
would offer me a sense of
purity.

blown to pieces
by the utterance of one word
voiced from the swordlike mouth
of one i've adored
i stand strong amongst others
untouchable by many
   but you...
...you can strike me down
with a one syllable breath.

he had a black hat
pulled down past his ears
and a weathered cane
that he tap tap tapped
along the sidewalk
he would offer a grumble
or a nod
to passersby
but basically kept to himself
and seemed very much at peace
tap tap tapping
along the sidewalk.

he* came to me
   i didn't seek him out
he
   flirted
   teased
   baited
   and propositioned
he tried to
   persuade
   charm
   tempt
and ******
                 me

i was *intrigued

enough to
   flirt and
   tease
but not enough to
   to be caught
and i definitely was not
   persuaded, charmed nor seduced

but i was
   tempted
scarily so...

...so i propositioned
he collect all that energy
   used in charming me
and invest it towards
making it work
          with you.

you're welcome.

i will lead you
to the place i've always wanted to be
i will coax you
and train you
and let you know
how good it could be
i will caress your mind
until you realize
that you are powerful
my mistakes
   your fortune
my hesitation
   your confirmation
ignore my insecurity
to ride the whirlwind of achievement
and hold in your hand
the solidness
of your future
and feel in your heart
the security
of peace.

lying next to you
i breathe in your scent
it is yours
and it brings you to me
even when you are long gone

holding your hand
i feel your pulse
it vibrates through you
into me
even when you are long gone

kissing you
i feel your passion
it envelopes me
turns me on
even when you are long gone

looking into your eyes
i see your love for me
filling me
enrapturing me
even when you are long gone

i wonder, will you remember me
even when i am long gone?

a black feather circles with the wind,
it's beautiful, that black against the blue,
so gentle, so free
floating, floating, floating
until it comes to rest at my feet
i nudge it, curious, amused
it's still now
no life
but still beautiful
so i put it in a hat
a big, black hat with a green ribbon and now a black feather
and i strut
and then i am floating, floating, floating
with a feather in my hat
and i am gentle, and i am free
and i am beautiful
so beautiful

my baby
my love
i miss you most
on cloudy days
send me something
anything
to hold onto
send me you
come home

rolling through the night
on a cascade of melancholy
   wishing for days past
     expecting change to days present
       alive with hope
for days to come.

in a park
near a bench
are pigeons
nesting
cooing
eating
waiting
for the precise moment
to drop a bomb
on some unsuspecting
head.

lines christen my face
suggesting a life
well lived

can you hear me crying at night
can you feel my body shake
consumed with the pain
you've embellished on me
do you think a simple
i'm sorry
will cure me
don't you know a crushed heart
does not fully heal
it can only be medicated
and bandaged enough to not care
but the hurt is always there
expecting another you
to tear off the scab
and start the bleeding
once again.

she sits
in her grandmothers chair
head in hand
staring placidly out the window
frost is starting to form at the outer edges
and she feels the chill creeping through the glass
so she tightens the afghan, another of her grandmothers
hand me downs, around her
and starts to gently rock back and forth
  staring
into the dreary winter vastness
letting her mind wonder
to simpler times
carefree, uninhibited, happy
   young
no, she thinks, this is not what i had planned
when did it slip from me
when did my dreams dissipate
how can i have let them go so easily
   unknowingly
with a sigh she knows she must accept
her fate
because somehow,
somewhere
she became lost
and she gave up on her dreams
so now, aging,
feeling a slight comfort
being amongst her grandmothers things
she sits
   unsettled
but accepting
accepting the hand she has dealt herself
so many years ago.

my search has ended
as my eyes fall
   upon you

in every aspect
   every observation
you are very wrong
   for me
but the creaking of my bones,
the weariness of my heart,
and the desperation in my soul
tells me
you
   are
      the
         one

so
i'm asking
   begging
willing
            you
to take my hand
to complete this journey
the journey i've claimed

then let me go

and follow through
on the journey
you've claimed
                      for yourself.

i miss the gentle hugs
   and eyes offering reassurance

i miss
   the comfort of a cozy chair
with room enough for two
    and the smell of food
being cooked

i miss the closing of doors
   and the snoring at night
closing my eyes and craving sleep
   then secretly smiling
when you turn over with a poke

i miss the shower going on at 5 am
and the door closing at 6

i miss your corny jokes
and the smell of you after a hard day at work

i miss your calm when i was angry
   and your common sense
when the world seemed senseless

i miss the beat of my heart
   when i'd think of you
and the sense of peace i felt
   when i heard you come through the door

but what i don't miss

is the nagging pang in my gut
   and the knowing in my heart
that you weren't coming home

i don't miss the crying episodes
   and the disappointment
after broken promises

i don't miss having to share you
   with many
and offering explanations
   to why i haven't left

i don't miss
   the humiliations
      the aloneness
         the lies
and the cheating

i don't miss
your breast pounding
to prove you're a man
   and the negligence i came to expect
the late night phone calls
   from women i'd never met
but who knew intimate details
   of the life we'd shared

there's so much i miss
   but so much more i don't

but in my mind
i still hug and smile at
that young boy
i fell in love with
so, so many years ago.

he's a slippery human being
moving in and out
of passages and doorways
alleys and streets
sniffing and searching
until he finds what he is looking for
the need in him pulls him
to the darkest areas of the city
the dank underbelly
where the bad stay
the connivers, thieves,
con artists, swindlers,
pushers and users
motherless scoundrels
who's selfish desperation
lead them to do the unthinkable
and he is one of them
a snake
who's desire must be satisfied
his insides cooked, brain baked,
blood boiled to give his body a jolt
of hard lined, vein pumped
rapture
this reptile of a man
a mere shell of his former self
will scour the deepest corners
of filth and damnation
to find the cure to what ails him
and by doing so
will offer a short fix
to his broken life.