a joy to countless
brings pain to some

it takes but one
to douse the happiness
   of many

...if you let it

hold onto the positive
extinguish the negative

don't let others fears
   & insecurities
tear down all that you believe
   all that you feel
     all that you love
just to salve a wound
that has been festering
long before
you became
     what you are today.

(W) armth spreading through me
(I) gniting my emotions
(N) umbing just the right amount of brain cells
(E) ffortless effervescence

he's still there
that beggar boy
holding his sign
hooded
with a scarf tied tightly
around his face and neck
gloves, i think
ragged tan pants
*****
looking at me with sad eyes
pleading eyes
eyes that say
you know you want to
    give
      give
        give
but i don't
nope
not this time, kiddo

you're playing it cool, though
hangin' in the bitter cold
with your sign
and those sad eyes
knowing
just knowing
that you'll get your cheddar
from these sympathetic people
who are already luckier than you
sitting in their heated up cars
saying
look at that poor kid,
here's a dollar you poor thing
and you
stuffin' that buck into your ragged tan pants
and sayin'
thank you, mam, god bless

but not me
nope
i helped you once
uh uh
no more
you don't fool me
with your ragged tan pants
and sad eyes

know why
'cuz i don't believe you, that's why

the ticking of a clock
   becomes unbearable
trying to direct my focus
to something else in the room
a fly buzzing at the window
makes me itchy
      which doesn't help
the    drip    drip    drip
of the faucet
soaks my brain
until i can hear nothing else
   neighbors laughing
          dogs barking
    a cars brakes screeching
the sounds of today
keep my sanity                    in
insanity
too much idleness
an overabundance of time
             alone
brings out the madness
   i am trying to conceal

but at the same time
i yearn for the world
                               to know.

taking a long drag
i lay back comfortably
exhaling
i watch the smoke rise
up
   up
     up
and dissipate
somewhere around the ceiling fan
but before the smoke alarm


it's nice being in cahoots with the universe

why is a darkening of the soul
accepted effortlessly
when happiness
is just as readily available

why is gloom
so easily cradled
when joy
is just as easily nurtured

why is contempt
often thought of
as fearlessness
when compassion
can open a world of doorways

and why is hate
welcomed without question
when love
can provide all the answers
we search for.

these are questions that mystify me
i just don't understand

there seems to be a lover missing
in this exotic playroom i incorporate
all the players seemed paired off
      but me
i search the inventory
but can't seem to find a match
there's big ones
          small ones
    short ones
        tall ones
    smart ones
              dumb ones
sarcastic ones
       and lame ones

but where is mine?

of all there is to offer
not one suits me
so i guess i will continue
alone in this plight
for there's not a hopeful potential
in this land
of lovers delight.

riding roadways
  & railways
    walking trails
     & byways
searching for the answer to our unhappiness
when all we really have to do
is look into the utter depths
of our souls
and realizing
that the only road we had to follow
is the road that led us home

for when your heart feels comfort
your heart embraces love

and love
well
    love
equals happiness

that poor girl
waits & waits
   for someone to save her

her degenerated spine
crackles and moans
as she becomes nearly bent in half
   losing all support
she will soon be spineless
   an invertebrate
all because she didn't have the backbone
to save herself.

thoughts
              words
are spinning inside of me
not slowing
but easing enough
to let one
   or two
jump out
onto the paper
sometimes mixed up
                                and jumbled
to be rearranged by me
to make some sort of sense
   and project the translation
           i have within me
that's managed to escape
from an out of control brain.

in a room full of people
   i become quite aware
i eavesdrop on conversations
i spot liars
   braggarts
and introverts
  i notice the ashamed
   afraid
bold
and confident
i glance towards
a boastful laugh
coming from an ill equipped
sloth of a man
who uses insults
to bring down the weak
while strengthening his armor
of ignorance at the same time

women bat eyelids at the handsome
   men fumble words and trip over feet
to get close to the beautiful
   sincerity is overlooked
kindness is scoffed at
   the bland aren't noticed
the flamboyant produce
   chuckles of disdain

a typical saturday night
amongst a zoo of people
where cost of admission
is a dose
of self respect.

a portal is lifted
allowing words to escape
from mind
         to paper

with the
            tumbling
                          of
                               text
   i am filled with a release

chains
   that have bound my thoughts,
are broken
and expressive prose
fills the pages

writers block
no longer suffocates me
and i am filled
with the sweet breath
of poetry.

i loathe
long, sappy,
poems of love

the thrumming heart
set ablaze
by a woeful look
and predictable
exclamations
of desire...

                bore me

the
'can't live withouts'
           and
'without you i'm nothings'
make me want
to puke

i don't care about you

and
the all you've given

the trust that was tampered with?
   your fault

the constant lies
   your stupidity

the unfulfilled need
   could've been sought elsewhere

and that hole in your heart...
could've been filled by you
           a long
    time
ago.

i apologize for the foul language


wow, what a beautiful sunny day
hmm, i have a taste for a piece of chocolate
alright! not much traffic
i want a piece of chocolate
awesome! a parkin' spot right in front
i really need a piece of chocolate
yes! boss isn't in yet
i have to get a piece of chocolate
another plus, not too much on the agenda today
where is that piece of chocolate i had in my desk
computer on, ready to chocolate
******* it! who took my piece of chocolate
where's those *chocolate papers
mother *******, i'll **** whoever took
my last ******* chocolate!
why is that phone chocolate?
if i go to that ******* machine and
there's no effin' chocolate somebody's *** is chocolate!
would somebody please answer that dang chocolate!

chocolate

i have no change for chocolate
who's got change for a chocolate?
somebody gimme 4 chocolates for a chocolate
so i could please get chocolate!?

chocolate

i'm going to chocolate so i could get a... chocolate

c h o c o l a t e

the anthem of my heart
sings a low melody
the chords crying
in pain
my soul is touched
my mind awakened
and i listen
     listen
        listen
as the crescendo
tickles my senses
and my pulse
keeps in tune
with the beat
of my heart
   quickening
leaving me breathless
       ecstatic
until the pessimistic downbeat
brings me back
slowly
   slowly
     slowly
to where
i started.

lonely women
aloof men
denying needs
that are readily available
...just because

so many games are played
over and over
   and over
     and over
again
to save face

no, i will not accept you
because you are the first
let me play the field a bit
   sleep around a little
      test the waters
and maybe
and i stress maybe
when i'm done
if your'e still around
i might give you
another chance

because, after all
it takes a long, long
long, long
time
to find
      happily
             ever
                after.

phrases so easily written
hopeful thoughts put on paper
temporarily convincing my mind
   on what is to be true
but soon after closing down the page
my actions do speak louder
than my words

and that is not a good thing.

can't you see that we are
tumbling through a tumultuous relationship,
free falling amongst gravity depleted plains
while
clinging onto an imaginary lifesaver of hope?

you
ya, you
blockin' my way
in the ******* car
the gas guzzler
with the loud music
and crazy laughter
head swayin'
dreadlocks swingin'
smoking somethin'
a cigar
cigarette
blunt
who knows
who cares
move out the way foo'
i mean
i dig the music
the dreads
yeah
but **** man
i gotta get on
i'm inna hurry
so move your ****** car!

my sincerity has cost me
being honest has gotten me slapped
      scorned
        and shunned

***** looks follow me
pointed fingers find me

facing the truth...
most cannot swallow

exclaiming a flaw
is just for show
for many

but me
HA!
i call your bluff

you want to cry wolf?
   watcha got here
      is little red riding hood
in
    the
        flesh!

there's temptation all around
but i've grown too wise to succumb to it

   boyish grins
     come hither looks
      & empty compliments
don't do a thing for me...now

there was a time when all it took
was a glance & a crafty smile
   tossled hair &
           swell fitting levis
toss in a wink & a drink
and i'd swoon

   but now
now, i'm too smart for that nonsense...

...funny thing is
i'm not 100% sure that's a good thing.

a frozen smile
you are never without
your face carved from putty
that has hardened overnight

you smile at hardship
    disease
          molestation
  brutality
    ignorance
  and pain

just as you smile at purity
   love
         innocence
   and joy

you're forever unchanged
   unhurt
       unfazed
& unemotional

for this is how you've chosen
to face the world
   with a ceramic smile
that can't be touched
leading you to believe
you are invincible.

somersaulting through the night
landing face first
into a bed smelling of love
finding you there
filled with acrobatic amusement
   and i am airborne
   once again.

look to the sky for answers
breathe in the breath of the wind
and wallow in its calming medicine
hug nature
grasp all you can
from the greens and browns
of the outdoors
to what the wilderness truly is...
   a stairway to heaven
when you're feeling frazzled
take a breath
close your eyes
and sit in the middle
of a field of wildflowers
and exult in the wondrous beauty
and the freedom of nature.

i understand now
why they call you the sandman
for you have come to me
with such intensity
even the cold hard slap
of the icy ocean
couldn't wash the sleepiness
from my eyes.

i follow a lonely, maybe just alone,
woman down the street
     watching her
as she glances at shop windows
or maybe she's taking a peek
at her reflection

i don't know why i follow her
maybe it's to see where she goes
   maybe it’s to take a glimpse into her life...

does she meet with friends
   have a lover
does a dog greet her at the door
   or is there a sick mother
in constant demand of something
   maybe a beer bellied husband
stinking of filth, ***** & sweat
   who gets his kicks
   out of smacking her around

                     or

maybe she's alone
   living a life
devoid of restrictions
     commitments
        permissions
& approval
a life that allows her
to wander the streets at any time
absently glancing into shop windows

a life empty of love?

living, loving, giving taking
going there, doing that
falling in love
   falling in hate
mesmerized by fantasies
   caught up in dreams
        wishing
  wanting
imploring for
receiving everything but
   pushing on
moving forward
stopping
taking a breath
starting over

day two...

there's a shadow that follows her
she knows not why
so she's been using it
for comfort
like an old blanket
that keeps her warm
on the coldest of nights
it cannot be stamped out
     or smothered
and
it never leaves
through the brightest day
and the darkest night
it envelopes her
holding on
like a stubborn child
not wanting to let go
so...
she's accepted it
lives with it
and goes about her days
with the heavy burden of that shadow
clinging to her back
   weakening her
slowly bringing her down

but because she knows nothing else
it has become a part of her
that may never leave.

a nature made mirror
of ice coated streets
people tottering through the cold
bundled in galoshes, mittens, scarves & hats
snowflakes drifting slowly down
meeting a child's tongue
or gently glazing treetops
leaving a dusting of powdery white
fierce winds blowing,
howling hauntingly
sledders gliding down hills
twisting, turning and bumping
in glee
snowmen made in comical flair
  rosy cheeks
   dripping noses
   watery eyes


ah, winter, you fierce beast
such a variety of possibilities
you do offer.

the wanting of something
   that one thing
that captures my soul
becoming obsessive
in my desire for it

constantly searching

desperate need
   to have it
consuming all thoughts
taking over all feelings
   blinded
     numb
       frantic
trying to escape
the nagging
            annoying
    pull
of this one thing
hollowed by a hunger that won't be satisfied
psychotic with the preoccupation
of finding it

but frightened by the thought
of actually acquiring it.

*am i insane?

a good poem comes
from a destructive soul

agony
   pain
     heartache

every emotion
ripped to shreds

   spewed words
filled with contempt

   words that burst
from outlined fonts
to explode
before the eyes
of the willing

we seek those
who are desperate to grasp
just one sentence
of pure and utter
depravity

we don't want
   sing song

we want descriptive
paragraphs
that come from
a war torn
soul

we want
battered feelings
left to wither
and die
among the fingertips
of a keyboard

we want the depressed
degenerated
perverted
mind
to produce
a colorful, kick in your face
strangulating
paragraph
that swirls, flows
and cascades
into the thirsty heads
of the *******.


we want good poetry.

and we want it now.

don't tempt me
with a fate
that is not yours
to give.

you crash into me
filling my body with yours
trying desperately to reach the highest of highs
while holding onto the need to stay grounded
and in control
           but losing it all in the end

collapsing

and satisfied.

i remember the joking
   the sarcasm
and the solitude

    and your confusion...
   ... with me

and your disappointment
or so you once said
it started and ended there, though
   with that one statement
you weren't hurtful
i don't think you wanted that
and it did make me sad
but it also made me love you all the more

that was you
             one statement
said and then put aside
which had a bigger impact on me
than anyone else has had since

i am you

in my joking
   my sarcasm
and especially my solitude
of which i don't know whether to thank
or curse you for

i do miss you
   your intelligence
         your poise

and your love, dad
i miss that most of all.

who am i
   thee with brittle heart...
to ridicule
another's proclamation
of true love?

...to sneer at a tortured soul
bewildered by the
soulmate
who decided the love offered
wasn't enough

who am i
to watch, amused
at the vain attempts to still
the desperate beating of a heart
that yearns for the return
of a long, lost love

who am i?

i am the cheated survivor
of a once loudly proclaimed love affair
with a soulmate
that left me yearning
for the love i once thought
i had.

his eyes were a ****** brown
like a million other eyes
                      before him
he was of average height
                  weight
slight bump on his nose
lopsided grin
would go unnoticed in a crowd

but when he opened his mouth

             wow

hearts melted
the populace swooned

and all his arsenal consisted of
was clever conversation.

looking out my window
i see families struggling to put up christmas lights
untangling, untwisting, yelling, cursing
   and then laughing and cheering,
standing back and admiring
the final result.

i want to put up christmas lights
just
like
that.

mouths
clamped shut
for fear of
humiliation

a brain that pops
with thoughts
unprojected

the solidness
of being
threatened
with destruction
by unbelieved
proclamations
of truth

this world
   our world
      your world
faced with
predictions
of destruction
because leaders
chose to follow
and followers
chose
a zipped
upper lip.

open the golden gates
   of wonderland
skate upon
   viscous dreams
and the unending road
   of unkept promises

will you join me?

keep me company
as we ride a broken roller coaster
that ends
with us sailing
into an ink stained sky
dabbled with white-out
stars

we'll look up in wonder
knowing we can't fall
we won't fall
and we'll continue to sail
   far far away
trailing the breath of god
   bouncing on clouds

              laughing

embracing the satisfaction
of living an imperfect
life.

the setup between them
came unexpectant
and fast

forced to hold hands
plastic smiles
in place
   vowing to love
      honor
        and even obey

love comes second
   isn't necessary
for learning to tolerate
was their birthright.

restlessness
combating with my head
fighting for sleep
but losing the battle
a struggle of wits
a fight of strengths
keeping me awake
with flip flopping thoughts
bouncing off my mind
broadcasting a fireworks display
inside my skull
sweet slumber
i call to you
come rescue me
from this circus that's keeping me awake
feed me your elixir
and bring me into a sweet delusional state

a need satisfied
that's bittersweet

filling the temptation
of overindulgent lust
with obscene touches
and sinful scrutiny

two strangers
are brought together
by a common desire for
    intimacy
         gratification

a need satisfied
that's bittersweet

tumultuous thoughts fill my head
whirling, twirling idioms
of what love should be

hand held strolls
protective arm that saves
a soft kiss that confirms
starry eyes that whisk away

no temptation of fate here
i'll allow the flow of love filled thoughts
to enrapture and hold me

until the real thing comes along.

the will in me is strong
   like a bird building a nest
   like a spider weaving its web
   like a storm heading towards shore.
the love in me is fierce
   like boxers in a ring
   like soldiers fighting a war
   like horses in a race.
the peace in me is shaky
   like a chair with a broken leg
   like a boat in the waves
   like a swing from a tree.
but the will in me is strong.

i'm staggered by your walk
   electrified by your talk
     blown away by your looks
       blindsided by your smarts
   and bowled over by your kisses

i guess you leave me totally discombobulated.

i look up & see his mouth moving
but what's coming out is gibberish
i squint trying to read his lips
but it's still all nonsense
i shake my head a little
to try and clear the cobwebs
and open my eyes wide staring at him
giving him my full attention
but i still don't understand a word he's saying
who is this person
and why am i trying to give him
my full attention
when he is obviously the most boring
  unattractive
     monotonous
          human being
i've encountered in a very long time.

i get up & walk away
leaving him with his mouth open
looking at me in total surprise.


i really didn't need this job anyways.

if the wind blows just right
i can hear voices coming
from the bar down the street
   drunken giggles that make me smile
alcohol soaked singing
   making me laugh out loud
i think i'll join them
   clinking sloshy mugs of beer
   telling off color jokes
and sharing in the camaraderie
   amongst the people
     in a small corner bar.

i've forgotten
what a comforting hug
feels like

my arms are like soldiers
guarding
   protecting
     preventing
even the slightest
touch

a hardness
encircles me
unbendable
   impenetrable
solid

and

   always

      there

i can't remember
tenderness

i'm confused
when kindness is offered

this world
my world
has brought me to this place

and the fight in me
has fizzled.

i use your words
as a bandage
encircling my heart
trying to hold together
what little is left
     of love

        but

the anguish
and bitterness
have torn apart
any semblance of healing

and no words
or kind expressions
can mend something
with pieces missing.

with the gentle blanketing of snow
a silence embraces the countryside
trees whisper a song of peacefulness
while the sloping hills offer a maze of white;
beckoning to get lost in it's wonderment
tears of icicles drip from the trees
as the sky continues to cry a flurry of cottony white
nature at it's most beautiful
untouched
serene
still
giving freely all the magnificence
a swelling heart and gratified soul
can hold.