the serenity
is what brings me back
year after year

not listening but hearing
the peaceful sounds
of the lake
brings a tenderness to my heart
an uncomplicated feeling
   of just being

looking out across the water
filling myself up
with the sheer wonderment
   of all that is before me
takes me to another level
   of myself
where i am
all accepting
of what is offered to me
   non questioning
    accommodating
     gullible

breathing deeply
i blanket myself with
the pure, unassuming, welcomed
intensity
of sheer happiness.

treachery
of the human heart
has no
bounds
its grip
   vicelike
     suffocating
causing injury
past the last
breath
of surrender

expendable desire
ignites
the flames
of desperation
glorifying
in the agony
of the intended

your want
   it's need
begging
scratching
devouring
until that one
last
morsel
of
hope

is found

and the soothing grip
of factitious
affection
lulls you

once again

into imagined
harmony
and hooked on a
blissful
state
of forged
devotion.

he's in the dark
shuffling along grim, polluted streets,
head hanging low
the collar of his worn, black jacket pulled up tight
it's raining
the mist cradles him,
seeming to almost carry him along
this is a journey he has both dreaded
and craved
it is a journey with a destination
that claims salvation
but that doesn't make it any easier

the bridge looms in the distance
and he lifts his head to stare at it
hazily
moving closer
it is consuming him, calling him

stopping at the top of the bridge
he looks downward into the dark, choppy waters
examining the distance down
casually he shrugs off his coat, removes his shoes
he takes a deep sigh while looking wearily around him
and slowly nods his head in final approval

gently lifting his leg over the railing he glances down for the last time
the waves below appear to be
beckoning him
promising him peace
encouraging deliverance

opening his arms to accept the deadly hug
he falls.

thinking of something perfect
i think of you
   and you
     and you
       and you
and.....

hmmm

i guess i haven't experienced total form of perfection
...yet.

plunging into despair
the grip weakens me
from the inside
out
all hope
i've gathered
evaporates
with pokes
of insecurity
and thoughts
of helplessness
the height i've gained
is slowly being pulled
downward
into a slouching mass
of indescribable
sadness

i fight

but the continued losses
brings in me
an indescribable
hopelessness

breathing you in
and hoping
it will give me the breath
i need to survive.

alone in an atmosphere
of
what if's
maybe's
and
could've beens
i don't belong here
what wrong turn
have i taken
when did my
smarts
betray me
why did i settle
for less
than what
i know
i am worth
the losers
the degenerates
the downtroddens
embrace me
for being
the same
and i've reached the low
of low
the lowest
of lows
and still
i cannot
will not
accept
that i am accepted
into this familiar
of the unfamiliar
lifestyle.

i met a man
i still don't know
who had a chip on his shoulder

i know where i stand
it's not up to me
to make you feel better

knock that chip off yourself.

not living up to my ideal of perfect
is very disappointing indeed

hey
when you walk past me
pull my chain
see if i react
if i do
that means you have touched me
not in a good way, mind you
but you have definitely touched me

“Tears are words that need to be written.”
― Paulo Coelho

i am holding on
so tightly
to what
i haven't decided yet
just holding on
gives purpose
a reason
something to show
to the other
holders on
see?
i'm like you
i can hold on too
just to be
like you

aren't we all pathetic?

look for me
when you reach
the end of your rainbow

i'll be the one bathing
in melted gold.

shaken, not stirred
with a twist of lemon
on the rocks

it's that kind of day.

words
i read
and they've blurred
before me
until one
   sentence
      catches
and the rest flows
   so
      so perfectly
like a tightly
fitted puzzle
that when finished
makes a beautiful
poem.

can you bend what i give you
   so that we fit
         like a puzzle
nothing forced
only smoooooth connections
         all the way around
so that the finished product
is one admired by artists
              and lovers
alike?

the moons reflection
is washed ashore
by gentle waves

an empty bench
holds memories
of laughter
   deep thoughts
      and the simple awareness
of living

laughter &
tears
          angry words
influenced hugs
   and drippy exclamations of
love

the ignorance
of knowing
   the knowledge
   of the despicable
and daily motions
held together
by lies

a mind overburdened
but kept unfazed
by consistent doses
of comfort

death brings you
peace
but in it's wake
leaves a cacophony
of grief

i am here
again
alone
thinking
thinking
thinking
contemplating
what...­
when...
where...
sorting
separating
blending
thoughts
that make no sense
trying to figure out
why
what is my purpose
why
am i here
taking up needed space
why
breathing in
selfish air
why
to keep these lungs
pumping
pumping
pumping
why
supporting my twisted head
allowing my brain
to spew out
these unnecessary
words
why
that *****
crave
confirmation
and acceptance
why
why
why

i do cry
if only in my head
the longing
the need

         why

for answers

to questions

                 why

that even I

                                     why

can't explain.

belonging
then not
being swallowed
by a sea of emotion
then
drifting
bobbing
my eyes are closed
to what surrounds
me
i don't want to know
where i am
who has beckoned me
what has
disrupted my thoughts
i struggle to paddle back
fighting the current
suffering
tortured
to return
to the place
i feel the most
at home
safe

by myself
alone
i am comforted
embraced
by solitude

solitude.

can you listen
instead of speaking
your words
confuse me
blur my senses
the sugar coated
nonsense
that spits from your mouth
makes me cringe
listen
for a change
hear
what others say
ignore
all that you've been taught
          or not...
your'e a pattern
an assembly line
production
of monotony

different
seems funny
   to you
odd
seems an insult
weird
a joke

can i grab you?
squeeze you?
force common sense
to burst your seams?
and have the absurdity
that makes you

come apart
at the seams...

why is it
that more people are bothered
by my relationship status
then i am?

lying in the darkness
i'm afraid
              and i'm not
i can feel something
                         someone
near me
reaching out to touch me
    gently
     timidly
i close my eyes tight
and wish it, him, her, away
                and they're gone
and i'm alone again
in the darkness
comforted by it
                 but not
waiting
for a touch that may not come
because i've wished it away
one too many times.

breathing in the energy
of this new day
helps bring me closer
to the happiness
i've been longing for
always

this is an emotionally thick day
in a way that it feels like i am
pushing, digging, burrowing
just to get through it.

i'd like to grab a stranger
   from the street
hold them upside down
and shake

just to see what falls out

if anything.

you make me smile
and that's all that matters
   for now
however long it lasts
isn't important
i'm not going to think about it
i'm just going to enjoy
what you are giving me
at this moment
and that is
   you make me smile.

a bright sunday morning
brings the crashing awareness
of the overindulgence
of the night before.

the day starts normal enough;
i get out of bed
bathroom stop
brush my teeth
comb my mop
make the coffee
feed the cats
get the paper
check the stats
take a shower
pick out my clothes
put on makeup
start to slow
get to thinking
remembering when
you were somewhere
close at hand
usually sleeping
didn't matter
i could feel you
hear your patter
you are my baby
never forget
even though you're older
your place is set
my heart is broken
but in a good way
you've left our home
somewhere else you'll play
you're a man now
and prouder i could not be
but it doesn't make it easier
your leaving me
i shed some tears
just thinking of you
knowing that this love
is so so purely true
a mother's heart starts to break
the moment her baby makes his stake
he grabs her heart
and holds on tight
never letting go
it's his given right
to feel that joy
and then the sorrow
when your little one leaves
for better tomorrows
he doesn't know any better
this is what you've groomed him for, right?
if only it didn't hurt so much
when he permanently takes flight
i'll wipe my tears
i'll stand up tall
knowing my boy
became a man after all.
you'll never know
how much of my heart you hold
until you, yourself
have a little one of your own.

someone take a bat to my head
and knock out the last of my self pity


please.

empty streets, empty nights
temporary fulfillment
found in laughter and drinks
looking into the faces
of childhood friends
realizing they are strangers to me
and i to them
parting at the end of the night
sharing gripping hugs
and promises to stay in touch
driving home
i'm wondering if they feel as vacant as i do
i'm curious if this limited gathering of acquaintances
was really worth the trouble.

tooling through the day
in a bewildered sense of slap happy being

and i haven't even had a drink yet!

blown torches
roads traveled
crosses bared

sleepless nights
uneasy meetings
shallow hello's

round about ways
wishy washy
ovations
that don't mean a thing

cowardice
that shouts the intent
without speaking a word

any intentional
accident
is seen as
a calculated
delusion.

the rain pings against the drain pipe outside my window
my mind floats in a universe i do not understand
i am feeling guilt i have no control over
i have done no wrong yet i am burdened
the world around me is grey
   am i sick?
     am i tired?
have i really been given a life i can control?
do i really have that much power?
i want to embrace happiness
grey has become tiring
the rain nourishes, promotes birth, allows growth
if i can only accept that

i like being alone
but something tells me i shouldn't
i do not want to cave
and become what is expected
which is so far from what i want
the tug of war inside of me
    is exhausting
for when i think i've finally found
       peace
the other half wants normalcy
which is so far from what i want
the sordid looks tell me
     silly isn't good
the grunts and head shaking tells me
   weird isn't accepted
and the admonishment tells me
   i'm really not loved
           or am i
what really worries me, though
   is my own doubt
of what i'm feeling in my heart
           to be true to self.

you will find me
if you look real hard
i may be the one just around the corner
or the shadow you see
in the plate glass window
maybe it's me
behind the recently closed door
or the one that just said goodbye
to the lady selling flowers
but don't doubt it
i am here
look hard enough
and you will find me.

love
so small a word
so heavy a burden

   give me love
     i want to love

what is this word
           *love
that possesses so many hearts
     that so many ears are longing to hear
     so many arms
                            aching to hold
so many voids
                        waiting to be filled

one word
   one feeling
but the deepest of emotions

people **** for it
beg for it
long for it
loose all common sense for it
   abandon all decency
just to have a taste of it
to hold onto one small fragment of
                     love

an all consuming word
a word that
   once given
can open universal doorways
but once taken away
can deflate
the strongest of the strong.

my dreams bring me to tears
how sad is that
when my awakened hours
do not offer me
enough intense emotion
to produce the cleansing
of a good cry?

my brain explodes
into a kaleidoscope of infinite colors

i find a piece of myself amongst the rubble

and it is grey.

...sleep
why have you abandoned me
when i need you most?
i beg for you now
or i will crave you even more
tomorrow
please come to me
  hold me
   comfort me

do this for me tonight
and i promise i will leave you alone
tomorrow.

there's this day
and that
the weeks merge into
months
months into years
i think i'm still the same
i don't feel different
do i look different
to you
do i smell different
then what you're used to
has my body changed
is my mind less than brilliant
do i not amuse you
stimulate
attract
turn on?
let me know
please, let me know
so i could let you know
that this is it
this is what i've been
this is what you know i am
and just because you've grown tired
bemused
uninterested
does not mean
i will change
because changing to suit you
will not suit me.

Thinking: the talking of the soul with itself.
- Plato

the sky above me
sings in the morning light
pulling me to wake
coaxing me
to try

the burden
of past days
melts
if just a little
with the promise
of a new start

i want to be a part
i crave just a bit
of willingness

the doors i've secured
around me
struggle to be opened
but the stubborn part of me
forms a solid lock
of solitude.

you came to me
   again
just like i've dreamed
but i was stunted
   stopped
for i knew it was wrong
for me to welcome you
   so i didn't
and now i'm left wondering
if i did the right thing.

when my mind shakes i urge it, silently, to quell, to stop
i can ease it, slowly, to ebb
then it is silent, unthinking, blurred, but alert
with eyes that seek but do not see
with ears that listen but do not hear
with a mouth that forms words but finds no voice.
this will become my moment of peace.
this has become my moment of life.

following beauty
gives me an obscure
sense of what is assumed.

blindsided by the reality
of what almost was...

my mind wanders
when i'm lost
claiming answers
to offer closure
the falseness
i live by
burrows deep
until the unbelievable
becomes believable
the obscure
makes sense
and the me
that i have known
becomes
questionable.

i've been cleansed
by the words
of an exceptional
poet.

what bothers me most
is that i have allowed you
to hurt me again.

having only myself to depend on
worries me