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209 · Oct 2015
the walls are built
susan Oct 2015
show me something
give me a reason

answer the questions
that constantly beat
inside my skull
   blinding me
     confusing
       blurring all thought
not knowing
   right
     wrong
       indifference

keep me stable
   solid
on hardened ground

but it's too tough
   this insecurity
knocks me
makes things unbalanced
   doubtful
     unsure
of what is what
who is who
   who is real
where am i safe?

i've gathered myself
into a cocoon of security
if only in my head
but safe
nonetheless...
susan Jun 2015
don't blame others
for your shortcomings
nor look at them
in contempt
you've chosen your path
are following your planned destiny
and any blame
you feel must be thrown
     should be accepted
by the person you see
in the mirror.
208 · Sep 2018
poetry
susan Sep 2018
words
i read
and they've blurred
before me
until one
   sentence
      catches
and the rest flows
   so
      so perfectly
like a tightly
fitted puzzle
that when finished
makes a beautiful
poem.
thank you to the poems, the poets, the poetry of all that has grasped my heart.
208 · Jan 2015
lake namekagon
susan Jan 2015
the serenity
is what brings me back
year after year

not listening but hearing
the peaceful sounds
of the lake
brings a tenderness to my heart
an uncomplicated feeling
   of just being

looking out across the water
filling myself up
with the sheer wonderment
   of all that is before me
takes me to another level
   of myself
where i am
all accepting
of what is offered to me
   non questioning
    accommodating
     gullible


breathing deeply
i blanket myself with
the pure, unassuming, welcomed
intensity
of sheer happiness.
a beautiful place i have the pleasure of visiting year after year since i was 5 years old...and it still takes my breath away each and every visit.
207 · Jan 2015
free
susan Jan 2015
for some reason
i always picture myself holding on
   desperately
fingertips lightly touching
       and finally letting go
with me floating away
               up and away
twisting and turning
with arms outstretched

       but no longer seeking to grasp
   or trying to reach out
just thoroughly enjoying
                         the ride.
i actually imagined this while driving, on the same bleak highway i drive everyday, to work this morning. no one in particular, just me reaching out and then letting go
207 · Mar 2015
wishful thinking
susan Mar 2015
i desperately willed you
to look my way
just a glance
i thought
for i was sure
        positive
that if you got a good look at me
you would be mine.
206 · Dec 2015
to choose
susan Dec 2015
when i consider my choices
i know i've made the right one.
susan Dec 2015
why is it
that more people are bothered
by my relationship status
then i am?
give it a break
if he comes, he comes

and yes, i do mean that in the literal sense.
206 · Jan 2015
reborn
susan Jan 2015
i wish to be buoyant
   like a tree
moving gracefully with the wind
   of my unsettling thoughts
letting the leaves of my worry
   fall to the ground
     dead and soon forgotten
to have buds of newness
spring forth and blossom
   in a natural birth
i'll embrace the calm of the earth
letting the sun hug me with it's warmth
   offering me a fresh start.
205 · Jan 2015
perfect together
susan Jan 2015
thinking of something perfect
i think of you
   and you
     and you
       and you
and.....

hmmm

i guess i haven't experienced total form of perfection
...yet.
204 · Nov 2014
suicide
susan Nov 2014
he's in the dark
shuffling along grim, polluted streets,
head hanging low
the collar of his worn, black jacket pulled up tight
it's raining
the mist cradles him,
seeming to almost carry him along
this is a journey he has both dreaded
and craved
it is a journey with a destination
that claims salvation
but that doesn't make it any easier

the bridge looms in the distance
and he lifts his head to stare at it
hazily
moving closer
it is consuming him, calling him

stopping at the top of the bridge
he looks downward into the dark, choppy waters
examining the distance down
casually he shrugs off his coat, removes his shoes
he takes a deep sigh while looking wearily around him
and slowly nods his head in final approval

gently lifting his leg over the railing he glances down for the last time
the waves below appear to be
beckoning him
promising him peace
encouraging deliverance

opening his arms to accept the deadly hug
he falls.
204 · Feb 2016
breath of hope
susan Feb 2016
breathing you in
and hoping
it will give me the breath
i need to survive.
203 · Dec 2015
blame
susan Dec 2015
i met a man
i still don't know
who had a chip on his shoulder

i know where i stand
it's not up to me
to make you feel better

knock that chip off yourself.
why are some people
always looking for an argument
202 · Jan 2015
Untitled
susan Jan 2015
not living up to my ideal of perfect
is very disappointing indeed
202 · Jan 2018
death of the ho-hum
susan Jan 2018
can you listen
instead of speaking
your words
confuse me
blur my senses
the sugar coated
nonsense
that spits from your mouth
makes me cringe
listen
for a change
hear
what others say
ignore
all that you've been taught
          or not...
your'e a pattern
an assembly line
production
of monotony

different
seems funny
   to you
odd
seems an insult
weird
a joke

can i grab you?
squeeze you?
force common sense
to burst your seams?
and have the absurdity
that makes you

come apart
at the seams...
i loathe the unfortunate victims of an unimaginative society
202 · Mar 2015
reaction
susan Mar 2015
hey
when you walk past me
pull my chain
see if i react
if i do
that means you have touched me
not in a good way, mind you
but you have definitely touched me
200 · Dec 2015
a step ahead
susan Dec 2015
look for me
when you reach
the end of your rainbow

i'll be the one bathing
in melted gold.
199 · Feb 2015
going with the flow
susan Feb 2015
i am holding on
so tightly
to what
i haven't decided yet
just holding on
gives purpose
a reason
something to show
to the other
holders on
see?
i'm like you
i can hold on too
just to be
like you

aren't we all pathetic?
198 · Apr 2015
over served
susan Apr 2015
shaken, not stirred
with a twist of lemon
on the rocks

it's that kind of day.
198 · Jul 2017
the selfishness of one
susan Jul 2017
the moons reflection
is washed ashore
by gentle waves

an empty bench
holds memories
of laughter
   deep thoughts
      and the simple awareness
of living

laughter &
tears
          angry words
influenced hugs
   and drippy exclamations of
love

the ignorance
of knowing
   the knowledge
   of the despicable
and daily motions
held together
by lies

a mind overburdened
but kept unfazed
by consistent doses
of comfort

death brings you
peace
but in it's wake
leaves a cacophony
of grief
i love you, aunt barb,
and your death leaves me dazed
197 · Jun 2015
artwork
susan Jun 2015
can you bend what i give you
   so that we fit
         like a puzzle
nothing forced
only smoooooth connections
         all the way around
so that the finished product
is one admired by artists
              and lovers
alike?
i need someone that fits
194 · Nov 2014
heavy, man
susan Nov 2014
this is an emotionally thick day
in a way that it feels like i am
pushing, digging, burrowing
just to get through it.
susan Aug 2015
i'd like to grab a stranger
   from the street
hold them upside down
and shake

just to see what falls out

if anything.
random thoughts....
194 · Feb 2015
living for the moment
susan Feb 2015
you make me smile
and that's all that matters
   for now
however long it lasts
isn't important
i'm not going to think about it
i'm just going to enjoy
what you are giving me
at this moment
and that is
   you make me smile.
193 · Jan 2015
the end of trying
susan Jan 2015
lying in the darkness
i'm afraid
              and i'm not
i can feel something
                         someone
near me
reaching out to touch me
    gently
     timidly
i close my eyes tight
and wish it, him, her, away
                and they're gone
and i'm alone again
in the darkness
comforted by it
                 but not
waiting
for a touch that may not come
because i've wished it away
one too many times.
193 · Oct 2014
ready, set, go
susan Oct 2014
breathing in the energy
of this new day
helps bring me closer
to the happiness
i've been longing for
always
191 · Jan 2018
unwitting intent
susan Jan 2018
blown torches
roads traveled
crosses bared

sleepless nights
uneasy meetings
shallow hello's

round about ways
wishy washy
ovations
that don't mean a thing

cowardice
that shouts the intent
without speaking a word

any intentional
accident
is seen as
a calculated
delusion.
191 · Dec 2015
hangover
susan Dec 2015
a bright sunday morning
brings the crashing awareness
of the overindulgence
of the night before.
shots! shots! shots!
190 · Nov 2014
pals
susan Nov 2014
empty streets, empty nights
temporary fulfillment
found in laughter and drinks
looking into the faces
of childhood friends
realizing they are strangers to me
and i to them
parting at the end of the night
sharing gripping hugs
and promises to stay in touch
driving home
i'm wondering if they feel as vacant as i do
i'm curious if this limited gathering of acquaintances
was really worth the trouble.
190 · Sep 2014
Son
susan Sep 2014
Son
the day starts normal enough;
i get out of bed
bathroom stop
brush my teeth
comb my mop
make the coffee
feed the cats
get the paper
check the stats
take a shower
pick out my clothes
put on makeup
start to slow
get to thinking
remembering when
you were somewhere
close at hand
usually sleeping
didn't matter
i could feel you
hear your patter
you are my baby
never forget
even though you're older
your place is set
my heart is broken
but in a good way
you've left our home
somewhere else you'll play
you're a man now
and prouder i could not be
but it doesn't make it easier
your leaving me
i shed some tears
just thinking of you
knowing that this love
is so so purely true
a mother's heart starts to break
the moment her baby makes his stake
he grabs her heart
and holds on tight
never letting go
it's his given right
to feel that joy
and then the sorrow
when your little one leaves
for better tomorrows
he doesn't know any better
this is what you've groomed him for, right?
if only it didn't hurt so much
when he permanently takes flight
i'll wipe my tears
i'll stand up tall
knowing my boy
became a man after all.
you'll never know
how much of my heart you hold
until you, yourself
have a little one of your own.
I love you, Alexander. The love I feel for you can never be matched or replaced. I could never be more proud of the man you have become. Live purely, simply and wisely. May everyday be filled with love. Mom
190 · Jan 2015
Untitled
susan Jan 2015
someone take a bat to my head
and knock out the last of my self pity


please.
189 · Nov 2018
alone
susan Nov 2018
the sky above me
sings in the morning light
pulling me to wake
coaxing me
to try

the burden
of past days
melts
if just a little
with the promise
of a new start

i want to be a part
i crave just a bit
of willingness

the doors i've secured
around me
struggle to be opened
but the stubborn part of me
forms a solid lock
of solitude.
189 · Sep 2019
a dim view
susan Sep 2019
in my darkest moments
a poem pops
words twirl
in my brain
pushing
throbbing
willing me
to expel
fingers to keys
thoughts exploding
dark
darker
darkest
melodramatic
melancholy
mediocre
th­oughts
based on a
monochromatic
life
that only the
mundane
may find
interesting

or so it seems.
189 · Dec 2018
who am i
susan Dec 2018
my mind wanders
when i'm lost
claiming answers
to offer closure
the falseness
i live by
burrows deep
until the unbelievable
becomes believable
the obscure
makes sense
and the me
that i have known
becomes
questionable.
when you lose sense of self, the rest is obscure
189 · Sep 2018
the poet
susan Sep 2018
i've been cleansed
by the words
of an exceptional
poet.
189 · Dec 2014
Untitled
susan Dec 2014
tooling through the day
in a bewildered sense of slap happy being

and i haven't even had a drink yet!
188 · Sep 2014
grey
susan Sep 2014
the rain pings against the drain pipe outside my window
my mind floats in a universe i do not understand
i am feeling guilt i have no control over
i have done no wrong yet i am burdened
the world around me is grey
   am i sick?
     am i tired?
have i really been given a life i can control?
do i really have that much power?
i want to embrace happiness
grey has become tiring
the rain nourishes, promotes birth, allows growth
if i can only accept that
188 · May 2015
mixed up
susan May 2015
i like being alone
but something tells me i shouldn't
i do not want to cave
and become what is expected
which is so far from what i want
the tug of war inside of me
    is exhausting
for when i think i've finally found
       peace
the other half wants normalcy
which is so far from what i want
the sordid looks tell me
     silly isn't good
the grunts and head shaking tells me
   weird isn't accepted
and the admonishment tells me
   i'm really not loved
           or am i
what really worries me, though
   is my own doubt
of what i'm feeling in my heart
           to be true to self.
is it me who's been living her life wrong?
186 · Mar 2015
i'm right here
susan Mar 2015
you will find me
if you look real hard
i may be the one just around the corner
or the shadow you see
in the plate glass window
maybe it's me
behind the recently closed door
or the one that just said goodbye
to the lady selling flowers
but don't doubt it
i am here
look hard enough
and you will find me.
186 · Apr 2015
sunday
susan Apr 2015
my brain explodes
into a kaleidoscope of infinite colors

i find a piece of myself amongst the rubble

and it is grey.
thought of this in the shower
some people sing...
186 · Feb 2015
love
susan Feb 2015
love
so small a word
so heavy a burden

   give me love
     i want to love

what is this word
           *love

that possesses so many hearts
     that so many ears are longing to hear
     so many arms
                            aching to hold
so many voids
                        waiting to be filled

one word
   one feeling
but the deepest of emotions

people **** for it
beg for it
long for it
loose all common sense for it
   abandon all decency
just to have a taste of it
to hold onto one small fragment of
                     love

an all consuming word
a word that
   once given
can open universal doorways
but once taken away
can deflate
the strongest of the strong.
185 · Nov 2015
the state of a dream
susan Nov 2015
my dreams bring me to tears
how sad is that
when my awakened hours
do not offer me
enough intense emotion
to produce the cleansing
of a good cry?
185 · Nov 2018
easy
susan Nov 2018
that couple in the corner
might be in love
it's hard to tell
she laughs
drunkenly
a bit too loudly
at something
he has said
he considers her
with lust
knowing
if he hits the right note
she is his
182 · Jul 2019
created
susan Jul 2019
the delusion starts
with the first gasp
of breath
being lead
with promises
false hopes
distorted possibilities
of a good
life
initiated love
sometimes ends
sometimes grows
into resentment
hatred
and the balloon
of life
pops
pieces
fall to the ground
being swept away
by the breath
of mere
existence
struggling
trying
so hard
to start over
looking
yearning
needing
    that first breath
to start clean
untouched
unbiased
unaware
but filled
with endless possibilities
of good
with the mind of an
innocent
who not knows
of bad

yet.
182 · Aug 2019
me
susan Aug 2019
me
there's a void
in my soul
that i cannot
fill
the harder
i try
the emptier
i become
the emptier
i become
the more vacant
i seem
there is no one
not one
person
who understands
me
who sees
me
for what
who
i am
and it aches
me
knowing
my destiny

is to be
alone.
182 · Mar 2015
calling for...
susan Mar 2015
...sleep
why have you abandoned me
when i need you most?
i beg for you now
or i will crave you even more
tomorrow
please come to me
  hold me
   comfort me

do this for me tonight
and i promise i will leave you alone
tomorrow.
181 · Dec 2014
me
susan Dec 2014
me
there's this day
and that
the weeks merge into
months
months into years
i think i'm still the same
i don't feel different
do i look different
to you
do i smell different
then what you're used to
has my body changed
is my mind less than brilliant
do i not amuse you
stimulate
attract
turn on?

let me know
please, let me know
so i could let you know
that this is it
this is what i've been
this is what you know i am
and just because you've grown tired
bemused
uninterested
does not mean
i will change
because changing to suit you
will not suit me.
181 · Sep 2015
Untitled
susan Sep 2015
Thinking: the talking of the soul with itself.
- Plato
i love this
180 · Dec 2018
boom
susan Dec 2018
the emotions
of the day
bounce
bounce
bounce
inside my head
leading me to make
conclusions
that are palpable
slippery
unable to hold
onto
the bizarre thoughts
that consume my head
do
not
make
sense
but to me
at the time
they do
allowing me
to self destruct
and enjoying
every
last
minute
of
it.
180 · Feb 2016
to each...
susan Feb 2016
following beauty
gives me an obscure
sense of what is assumed.
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