it's been a long time
since i've looked into
a beautiful face

and even longer
since i've been lost
in lustful eyes.

love
so small a word
so heavy a burden

   give me love
     i want to love

what is this word
           *love
that possesses so many hearts
     that so many ears are longing to hear
     so many arms
                            aching to hold
so many voids
                        waiting to be filled

one word
   one feeling
but the deepest of emotions

people **** for it
beg for it
long for it
loose all common sense for it
   abandon all decency
just to have a taste of it
to hold onto one small fragment of
                     love

an all consuming word
a word that
   once given
can open universal doorways
but once taken away
can deflate
the strongest of the strong.

love lost
then found
desperate hands
groping in the dark
for something warm
settling
on a naked back
falling asleep
with a contented sigh

only to wake up
in a cold bed

alone.

following beauty
gives me an obscure
sense of what is assumed.

you will find me
if you look real hard
i may be the one just around the corner
or the shadow you see
in the plate glass window
maybe it's me
behind the recently closed door
or the one that just said goodbye
to the lady selling flowers
but don't doubt it
i am here
look hard enough
and you will find me.

my brain explodes
into a kaleidoscope of infinite colors

i find a piece of myself amongst the rubble

and it is grey.

blindsided by the reality
of what almost was...

you came to me
   again
just like i've dreamed
but i was stunted
   stopped
for i knew it was wrong
for me to welcome you
   so i didn't
and now i'm left wondering
if i did the right thing.

when my mind shakes i urge it, silently, to quell, to stop
i can ease it, slowly, to ebb
then it is silent, unthinking, blurred, but alert
with eyes that seek but do not see
with ears that listen but do not hear
with a mouth that forms words but finds no voice.
this will become my moment of peace.
this has become my moment of life.

what bothers me most
is that i have allowed you
to hurt me again.

you plead for my friendship
with your worried eyes
but
desperation only
pushes me further away.

to accept your convoluted definition of love
is like putting a loaded gun to my head
and pulling the trigger

having only myself to depend on
worries me

when the street is dark
and the day closes
when noises become mute
and activity seems to stop
this is when my mind clears
and my thoughts become sharper
this is when i feel the emptiness inside of me
and i grudgingly accept
                                         that i am truly alone.

i am surrounded
by wounded spirits
protected by a veil
of hypocrisy.

today is that day
when my mind explodes
with words
that attach themselves to paper.

coaxed towards
undesirable territory
she follows
playing along
wondering
curious
realizing
astonished

the fingers are pointed
at her
accusing eyes
bewildered faces
exclamations of
it was you!

thoughts of explanation
bubble towards
her lips
but she hesitates
   holding herself
looking towards
the one
she thought she knew
knowing
she has been
betrayed
and the words
choke
in her throat
for she knows
whatever explanation
whatever truth
she may bring forth
   isn't enough
to convince
the
ignorant.

gazing at the night sky
i think
of carefree days
days when the darkness
gave way
to the purple haze of morning
days when driving home
was filled with laughter
and young giddiness
when whatever was done
during that night
didn't matter
because we were young
and free
to do as we pleased

not that i long to be that age again
but i do long for that spirit
carefree
arrogant
trouble free
not caring about anything
except what we can do
to have fun

age is an unsettling thing
the numbers are engraved in us
we are supposed to ignore that
but how?
how do you forget something
that is celebrated each year?
how do you ignore the questions of
how old?
when were you born?
when did you graduate?
when, when, when....?????

no matter how young you look
or act
you are still THAT age.

so...how can i act happy
be happy
when what i want is to act
and be the way i was
back then
back in the day...

...when the darkness
gave way
to the purple haze of morning
when driving home
was filled with laughter
and young giddiness
when whatever was done
during that night
didn't matter
because we were young
and free
to do as we pleased

...and we hadn't imagined
anything other than that.

all this talk of love
want
need
lust
crying for
begging for
humbling oneself for
a look
a touch
attention
just a little
maybe a lot
something
anything
now
or later
but soon.
for life
is all about
love.

take this day and live

there's this
there's that
and of course, the other thing
so...
      give me this
and that
plus the other thing
then
and only then
will i sit back contented
and happy.

i see you
at the end of my rope
waiting patiently
for me to fall
open arms ready
head full of ideas
desperate to save me
although i didn't ask
to be saved.

...smile for me
just one more time
leave me with an everlasting memory
of true love

trying to capture the perfect words
to make you know
and believe
how i truly feel
is difficult
because i really don't know
myself

how can one person
complicate the mind of another
just by being?

why is it, with everything else
i am strong,
secure,
sure of myself
but when it comes to you
i am a blubbering idiot?

i wonder
will there ever be a you i am comfortable with?
is there a you out there that will allow me to be me
without ever trying?

i want my white horse
where's my knight
do i have to wait until the next lifetime
have i missed my chance for real passion
love
happiness
peace
should i give up
?

i am suffocating daily
as i feel the days pass
and the clock spin

this cannot be my destiny
this cannot be fate

please, show yourself to me.

the stranger i fear most
   is myself.

longing to see your discarded jeans
at the foot of my bed.

sitting in a room
full of people
yet i've never felt so all alone.

“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”
― Charles Bukowski

i've given up my dream to follow another's
   many times
that has left me dreamless
   and alone.

when word gets out
that you're going though difficult times
people circle around you like vultures
waiting to feast
on something dying

you're someone who's hug
i can melt into

i crave the warm embrace
of a bottle of wine

your soul
comforts me into believing
that i have finally
come home.

tomorrow will be bittersweet
filled with melancholy memories
of us
so much time has passed
i still think of you often
i have no more anger
i harbor no bad will
i do wish you happiness,
peace
and of course, love

we could've made it, you know
the two of us
i wanted you to be the one
with all my heart i tried
but with you
it could never be
just us
and i won't settle for that

but you did give me something
something that made me whole
complete
and for that
i am forever grateful

and that is why i hold you now
and always
in my heart
with wistful memories
of the us
that will never be.

here
today
now
looking
who is this i see
me
this image
it is'nt
what i am used to
seeing
it's me
yes
but a
distorted image
of who
i know i am
sloping
wrinkles
cavernous spaces
where i know
a smooth terrain
is supposed to be
the disappointment
i feel
is expected
but i am unprepared
for the inevitable
that has come.

i'd be willing to follow the road to happiness
if it came with a guarantee.

in my dream
i am watching myself
and i am wondering
who i am
               exactly
where do my thoughts come from
my desires

or do i desire...anything
                           anyone
or am i content
with only myself
settling for nothing less
                   than the best
which, in this dream
happens to be
me.