having only myself to depend on
worries me

it's been a long time
since i've looked into
a beautiful face

and even longer
since i've been lost
in lustful eyes.

when the street is dark
and the day closes
when noises become mute
and activity seems to stop
this is when my mind clears
and my thoughts become sharper
this is when i feel the emptiness inside of me
and i grudgingly accept
                                         that i am truly alone.

to accept your convoluted definition of love
is like putting a loaded gun to my head
and pulling the trigger

gazing at the night sky
i think
of carefree days
days when the darkness
gave way
to the purple haze of morning
days when driving home
was filled with laughter
and young giddiness
when whatever was done
during that night
didn't matter
because we were young
and free
to do as we pleased

not that i long to be that age again
but i do long for that spirit
carefree
arrogant
trouble free
not caring about anything
except what we can do
to have fun

age is an unsettling thing
the numbers are engraved in us
we are supposed to ignore that
but how?
how do you forget something
that is celebrated each year?
how do you ignore the questions of
how old?
when were you born?
when did you graduate?
when, when, when....?????

no matter how young you look
or act
you are still THAT age.

so...how can i act happy
be happy
when what i want is to act
and be the way i was
back then
back in the day...

...when the darkness
gave way
to the purple haze of morning
when driving home
was filled with laughter
and young giddiness
when whatever was done
during that night
didn't matter
because we were young
and free
to do as we pleased

...and we hadn't imagined
anything other than that.

you
come to me
with the confusing
solidity
of
confidence.

love lost
then found
desperate hands
groping in the dark
for something warm
settling
on a naked back
falling asleep
with a contented sigh

only to wake up
in a cold bed

alone.

the emotions
of the day
bounce
bounce
bounce
inside my head
leading me to make
conclusions
that are palpable
slippery
unable to hold
onto
the bizarre thoughts
that consume my head
do
not
make
sense
but to me
at the time
they do
allowing me
to self destruct
and enjoying
every
last
minute
of
it.

all this talk of love
want
need
lust
crying for
begging for
humbling oneself for
a look
a touch
attention
just a little
maybe a lot
something
anything
now
or later
but soon.
for life
is all about
love.

in my darkest moments
a poem pops
words twirl
in my brain
pushing
throbbing
willing me
to expel
fingers to keys
thoughts exploding
dark
darker
darkest
melodramatic
melancholy
mediocre
th­oughts
based on a
monochromatic
life
that only the
mundane
may find
interesting

or so it seems.

in a room
full of people
i gaze into eyes
trying to find
the one set
that is real.

i see you
at the end of my rope
waiting patiently
for me to fall
open arms ready
head full of ideas
desperate to save me
although i didn't ask
to be saved.

you plead for my friendship
with your worried eyes
but
desperation only
pushes me further away.

today is that day
when my mind explodes
with words
that attach themselves to paper.

there's a void
in my soul
that i cannot
fill
the harder
i try
the emptier
i become
the emptier
i become
the more vacant
i seem
there is no one
not one
person
who understands
me
who sees
me
for what
who
i am
and it aches
me
knowing
my destiny

is to be
alone.

take this day and live

there's this
there's that
and of course, the other thing
so...
      give me this
and that
plus the other thing
then
and only then
will i sit back contented
and happy.

trying to capture the perfect words
to make you know
and believe
how i truly feel
is difficult
because i really don't know
myself

how can one person
complicate the mind of another
just by being?

why is it, with everything else
i am strong,
secure,
sure of myself
but when it comes to you
i am a blubbering idiot?

i wonder
will there ever be a you i am comfortable with?
is there a you out there that will allow me to be me
without ever trying?

i want my white horse
where's my knight
do i have to wait until the next lifetime
have i missed my chance for real passion
love
happiness
peace
should i give up
?

i am suffocating daily
as i feel the days pass
and the clock spin

this cannot be my destiny
this cannot be fate

please, show yourself to me.

“We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”
― Charles Bukowski

...smile for me
just one more time
leave me with an everlasting memory
of true love

longing to see your discarded jeans
at the foot of my bed.

the stranger i fear most
   is myself.

the delusion starts
with the first gasp
of breath
being lead
with promises
false hopes
distorted possibilities
of a good
life
initiated love
sometimes ends
sometimes grows
into resentment
hatred
and the balloon
of life
pops
pieces
fall to the ground
being swept away
by the breath
of mere
existence
struggling
trying
so hard
to start over
looking
yearning
needing
    that first breath
to start clean
untouched
unbiased
unaware
but filled
with endless possibilities
of good
with the mind of an
innocent
who not knows
of bad

yet.

a man
a boy, really
has reached out to me
and i've accepted
the friendship
   the commraderie
      the companionship
i've been craving
for far too long

it unsettles me
this friendship

i feel an unnerving
uneasiness
a falseness

but i will accept him
welcome him
embrace him

with all i have

because i feel
the connection

is worth it.

i've given up my dream to follow another's
   many times
that has left me dreamless
   and alone.

sitting in a room
full of people
yet i've never felt so all alone.

i am surrounded
by wounded spirits
protected by a veil
of hypocrisy.

when word gets out
that you're going though difficult times
people circle around you like vultures
waiting to feast
on something dying

will you go
oh, poet
of poetry
so well written
giving in to
the expectance
of society
declaring love
so marketable
and selling yourself
short
for the honor
of having
a
fat
wallet
?

coaxed towards
undesirable territory
she follows
playing along
wondering
curious
realizing
astonished

the fingers are pointed
at her
accusing eyes
bewildered faces
exclamations of
it was you!

thoughts of explanation
bubble towards
her lips
but she hesitates
   holding herself
looking towards
the one
she thought she knew
knowing
she has been
betrayed
and the words
choke
in her throat
for she knows
whatever explanation
whatever truth
she may bring forth
   isn't enough
to convince
the
ignorant.

you're someone who's hug
i can melt into

i crave the warm embrace
of a bottle of wine

your soul
comforts me into believing
that i have finally
come home.

tomorrow will be bittersweet
filled with melancholy memories
of us
so much time has passed
i still think of you often
i have no more anger
i harbor no bad will
i do wish you happiness,
peace
and of course, love

we could've made it, you know
the two of us
i wanted you to be the one
with all my heart i tried
but with you
it could never be
just us
and i won't settle for that

but you did give me something
something that made me whole
complete
and for that
i am forever grateful

and that is why i hold you now
and always
in my heart
with wistful memories
of the us
that will never be.

i'd be willing to follow the road to happiness
if it came with a guarantee.

here
today
now
looking
who is this i see
me
this image
it is'nt
what i am used to
seeing
it's me
yes
but a
distorted image
of who
i know i am
sloping
wrinkles
cavernous spaces
where i know
a smooth terrain
is supposed to be
the disappointment
i feel
is expected
but i am unprepared
for the inevitable
that has come.

in my dream
i am watching myself
and i am wondering
who i am
               exactly
where do my thoughts come from
my desires

or do i desire...anything
                           anyone
or am i content
with only myself
settling for nothing less
                   than the best
which, in this dream
happens to be
me.