plunging into despair
the grip weakens me
from the inside
out
all hope
i've gathered
evaporates
with pokes
of insecurity
and thoughts
of helplessness
the height i've gained
is slowly being pulled
downward
into a slouching mass
of indescribable
sadness

i fight

but the continued losses
brings in me
an indescribable
hopelessness

we are born wanting
   needing
expecting
                something
   anything
that will fill the emptiness
the emptiness of hunger
  of comfort
security
we immerse ourselves
in the warmth
of our mother's arms
we are cradled
and soothed
until we feel secure enough
to drift
               knowing
that when we awake
those same, soft arms
will be there to hold us
assure us
that we are loved
taken care of
protected

and then life pushes us away
away from the protection
and security
of all that we have known
since birth

and we are left stranded

alone

and longing for the comfort
of those strong arms
that soft voice of reassurance
that we have come to crave

but

we must be strong
we must embrace our independence
we must take all that we've been taught

and let go...

freeing ourselves

and at the same time
allowing ourselves
to offer protection
   and love
to what that has yet
to come.

looking into your eyes
i see the pain of our past
and the pain
you are experiencing now
i wish i could turn back time
to the moment i last loved you
but with you having witnessed
a bleak future without me
then maybe
            maybe
we could comfort each other
now.

she stood watching him
  swinging slowly
     from side to side
his feet mere inches
   above the floor
she noticed his right shoe
       was untied
she bent down
and absently tied it
   gave his leg a little pat
looking up at his face
she realized he never looked
   so peaceful
she wiped away a teardrop
and put it to his lips
whispering
         good bye
as she heard
approaching sirens in the distance.

anger doesn't liberate you
it imprisons you

skip to my lou, my darling
trip on a rock
and smash your head in.

she is with him
   and he is with her
they are together
   but those two...
...they're apart
don't talk to him
he is with that one
no   no   no
not him either
he's got eyes for the other one
   there
    that one
he is alone
go for him
   no
i don't think so
i'm still stuck
   on that one
     over there
but there's no chance of that
because him...
...he's with someone else
and me
ha!
***** it
i'm going home

this is messed up.

standing only
   on the bus
being jostled about
   my footing is lost
and i fall into you

   sorry

but turning to look
   and smiling
i know that i am not.

sitting
contemplating
considering
what is
that what
that's in front of me
just doesn't jive
i want more
i deserve more
i've been promised
more
by me
as the years pass
i see my dreams
slipping away
following the unending
current of time
glancing back
with a wink
and a dejected nod
suggesting
time's up
how long
can a clouded soul
   a disappointed heart
continue to thrive
when all that's placed
in front of it
is more sorrow?

you're happy
he's happy
they're happy
so much happiness
to be consumed
but what bothers me

         is

is it truthful?

stopping mid walk
and glancing up at the sky
i wonder
where does this all lead
   to keep pushing on
struggling to get through the days
and not seeing advancement
is disheartening
i cry to the sky
   the universe
to show me something
give me hope
   a reason
to keep moving forward
the loss of friends
   family
   myself
makes this day drearier
than the day before
it all seems so senseless
   ignorant even
to keep going
going and going
continuing the mundane
for nothing

somewhere, somehow
at sometime
there has to be a light
there has to be a reason
to continue this struggle

the years are passing
and my aloneness
seems permanent
but i do question myself
i probe my brain
and decide that yes,
this is my choice
my desire
my hand slap on the table
for it's been so long
my trying to convince others
so i've finally accepted it myself
the fate of being
so very much
alone.

treachery
of the human heart
has no
bounds
its grip
   vicelike
     suffocating
causing injury
past the last
breath
of surrender

expendable desire
ignites
the flames
of desperation
glorifying
in the agony
of the intended

your want
   it's need
begging
scratching
devouring
until that one
last
morsel
of
hope

is found

and the soothing grip
of factitious
affection
lulls you

once again

into imagined
harmony
and hooked on a
blissful
state
of forged
devotion.

this time
i let the rain
wash over me
feeling delighted

and looking
in the mirror
instead of seeing
a drowned rat
i saw a
fluffy kitten.


*"rain down, O heavens, from above,
and let the clouds pour down righteousness..."

begging for understanding
without saying a word
reaching for an illusory hand
feeling an ethereal embrace
holding onto illusive happiness

all in my imagination

i stand above you
watching you struggle
desperately trying to get a grip
grabbing at earth
that crumbles away
   from your grasp
the more you try
the more you are obviously
losing
for it is too late
   for you
i am, for once
on solid ground
it took your falling
to get me here
i can't help you
not that i would
if i could
for your sinking
into the depths
of blackness
is what brought me
to the light of being
my salvation
is your purgatory
                  so be it.

categorized insanity
a relished ailment
   sought after
     acted for
       cases pled
sad eyes begging

ME
that's ME
please
please
  doctor

I

AM

ILL

         MENTALLY

it's socially acceptable
   admired
heads nod in understanding

give me that
write it in my chart
scroll out the 'script

i want to dance in the streets
run naked through the park
bark at strangers
drool on myself
**** myself
**** on pavement

and all will be accepted

because

i am labeled

mentally incoherent
   unstable
socially incompetent

and therefore

totally embraced

because of

my

insanity.

show your strength
by admitting your weakness

a heart that's never been broken
is a heart that's never felt love

he looked up at me with pleading eyes
rheumy eyes,
while his breath came out in short huffs
and puffs
i looked down at his hand
and it was shaking slightly
i reached to grab it
but stopped myself

looking at this man
he was hardly the beast of the past
the dark, sinful eyes
were blank
the mouth that uttered profanities
and evil laughter
was silent
the hands that triggered so much pain
were weak and still

here lay a stranger
feeble
old
powerless
begging me for mercy
asking me for forgiveness
willing me to set him free

i bent down lower so we were face to face
gazing intently into his eyes
looking for some truth
trying so hard to find sincerity
trying so very hard to find love
just a small trace
a hint of...

i took in the vacant stare
the emptiness behind it
and shook my head

when i stood up and started towards the door
i heard him whimper quietly
i hesitated
then continued on

it wasn't enough.

a kaleidoscope of images
flash before my eyes
becoming embedded in my brain
what i need to see
   what i long to see
is the perfect you
constructed before me
every piece fitting
just right
turning slowly
you're displayed
for my approval
my heart beats
in anticipation
and the lifelong search
begins...

again.

the you
that i've been blaming
is actually
me.

sing a soft melody
straight from the heart
watch the music
float through the air
looking to land
on worthy ears.

you offer yourself
to me
and as tempting
as it may seem
i balk
at the suggestion.

standing close
until our heartbeats
collide
beating frantically
combining the two
into one
clutching desperately
reaching for anything
that could possibly
bring us closer
a passionate kiss
that grips from within
a soft stroke
becoming stronger
until the intensity
is overwhelming
heat rises
causing
desperate breaths
quietly begging for
                                  more
   giving
    taking
     getting
      receiving
until we collapse
into a heap
of  satisfied
love.

don't agonize
in desperation
about what could've been
   between us
don't dwell
on what you could've
   done different.
what is
   can't be changed
words spoken
   will not be forgotten
actions taken
   will continue to hurt

me?

i chose the path
to recovery

and you ?

continue to labor
in the past.

years
being built up
but
one word from you
and i'm
extinct

winter
why so serious?

belonging
then not
being swallowed
by a sea of emotion
then
drifting
bobbing
my eyes are closed
to what surrounds
me
i don't want to know
where i am
who has beckoned me
what has
disrupted my thoughts
i struggle to paddle back
fighting the current
suffering
tortured
to return
to the place
i feel the most
at home
safe

by myself
alone
i am comforted
embraced
by solitude

solitude.

the sky is brighter
   today
the colors more vibrant
   today
things i look at seem clearer
crisper
the edges sharper
   today
     i will enjoy today
i will swallow it up
and gorge myself on it
because this amazing intensity
might not be here
   tomorrow.

i never feared
loneliness
i've always chosen
to be alone
i craved it
wallowed in it
sat satisfied
while alone
i thought
that is what
i wanted
to be alone
to be alone
but
not lonely
loneliness
is consuming
suffocating
it grips
my throat
and squeezes
every
last
breath
until i am left
panting
desperate
for contact
watching
the outside world
of human
commotion
and wanting to
be a part
of anything
something
but
i've pushed
and pushed
and now
there
is nobody
nobody
to reach out to
nobody
to call
nobody
to laugh with
share with
conspire with
and
i am definitively
left
alone
lonely


alone.

she stumbled over her common sense
which she thought she had lost
many years ago
                       to her first love.

seems it'd been borrowed out
to every love thereafter.

i can yell the loudest
   should i prove it
i can laugh the most boisterous
   should i prove it
i can cry intensely
   should i prove it
i can love the deepest
   should i prove it
i can hurt immensely
and i think you've proven *that

...scattered thoughts
explode from my brain
in a medley
of intense sparks & colors
to burst from my mouth
in an eruption of profanities.

i wait for you
   in the dark
     expectant
       anxious
         prepared
but as the darkness
fades into light
a single teardrop
tells me you aren't coming

my heart is offering me
the comfort of my tears
until the next time.

the joy
has been ripped from her soul
and sold to the highest bidder
she looks on
in bewilderment and shame
collapsing in her lack of strength
crying for someone she wishes
she was
not fighting
for what is rightfully hers
standing alone
in a life
she doesn't want
weakened
by her own sense of self

being cradled
in the arms
of depression.

if i push, you pull
if i give, you take
if i talk, you listen
but if i love...

will you love?

the longer you allow
the storm to brew
the harsher the thrashing
when it arrives.

i want to spit you out
like you're infected bile
that collects at the bottom of my stomach
making me sick.

you leave me desperate
for a good cleansing.

alone in an atmosphere
of
what if's
maybe's
and
could've beens
i don't belong here
what wrong turn
have i taken
when did my
smarts
betray me
why did i settle
for less
than what
i know
i am worth
the losers
the degenerates
the downtroddens
embrace me
for being
the same
and i've reached the low
of low
the lowest
of lows
and still
i cannot
will not
accept
that i am accepted
into this familiar
of the unfamiliar
lifestyle.

i am here
again
alone
thinking
thinking
thinking
contemplating
what...­
when...
where...
sorting
separating
blending
thoughts
that make no sense
trying to figure out
why
what is my purpose
why
am i here
taking up needed space
why
breathing in
selfish air
why
to keep these lungs
pumping
pumping
pumping
why
supporting my twisted head
allowing my brain
to spew out
these unnecessary
words
why
that *****
crave
confirmation
and acceptance
why
why
why

i do cry
if only in my head
the longing
the need

         why

for answers

to questions

                 why

that even I

                                     why

can't explain.

a black soul is not evil
it's a pretense
of a pulsing heart
waiting to be exposed.

i sense you
   staring at me
but when i turn
   you quickly look away

aren't we way too old for this?

i like it that he keeps my mind
   occupied
i like it that he's here
   for now
i like the plans
i dig the compliments
i can't wait for the touch
but there's something nagging at me
   pulling my mind into the realization
that this may just be
another huge disappointment.

climbing the rickety stairs
i keep my eyes
on the worn,
wooden door
just ahead
reaching for the ****
it turns easily
for something so old

opening
   i see you
for the first time in years
facing the window
   rocking
the floor creaking
beneath the chair

you don't turn
you don't acknowledge me
but i know
that you know
i am here

i search the scene
outside the window
trying to see
what you are seeing
but what i observe
is what has always been there
   aged trees
swaying gently in the wind
   a few birds
calling to one another
   farther off
   a hilly horizon
where blue and green
                                kiss

as i approach you
i think i sense a
hesitation in the rocking
   but i'm not sure

i place my hand on your shoulder
and you gently place yours on top
of mine

and together we stare
at an unchanged scene
through a dusty window
dismissing years
and having our hearts embrace
once again.

being dragged through the mud
by somebody you don't care about
sometimes causes greater pain
then if it were done
by someone you love

high
then low
the confusing theory
in my mind
of what is
jumbled thoughts
of happiness
randomly pricked
with pain
and the desperate fight
with the darkness
that has vowed
to take over.

this gnawing ache
eating at me
blurring my vision
blocking out all emotions but
anger
disgust, annoyance, irritation
my mind travels a path in a frenzy
and my composure is pulling away from me
far, far, away
control is just beyond my reach
i am chasing it now
desperate
it is so close i can feel it
i take a long, deep breath
and self control begins to circle me
i close my eyes and start to feel peace
breathing out the fury flows from me
like the white tassels of a dandelion
catching the wind and disappearing
and all is calm once again.

i'll catapult my heart
into the universe
hoping the right one
will catch it.

“Tears are words that need to be written.”
― Paulo Coelho