skip to my lou, my darling
trip on a rock
and smash your head in.

i want to shake thoughts of you
like dust from a rug
to follow the breeze
and dissipate
into the sunny air
away from my space
but maybe polluting
another's

alone in an atmosphere
of
what if's
maybe's
and
could've beens
i don't belong here
what wrong turn
have i taken
when did my
smarts
betray me
why did i settle
for less
than what
i know
i am worth
the losers
the degenerates
the downtroddens
embrace me
for being
the same
and i've reached the low
of low
the lowest
of lows
and still
i cannot
will not
accept
that i am accepted
into this familiar
of the unfamiliar
lifestyle.

if i blow hard enough
can i rid myself
of whatever affliction
clouds my judgement
and shadows my insight?

if i thump my chest hard enough
will i jump start my heart
to feeling once again
the love i know is there
   somewhere?

if i write long enough
will i finally convince myself
of my talent
   and creativity
and become accepting
of that truth?

and if i think hard enough
will i find within me
thoughts of certainty
   and bliss
unscathed by my relentless feelings
of uneasiness and worry?

the calming of these universal questions
are what i seek.

urging myself to see something
   that isn't there
parading myself by uninterested observers
   hoping for acknowledgment
keeping the faith
   when faith was lost so long ago
giving a smile
   when my insides are ripped to shreds
laughing at unfunny jokes
   hugging the grotesque
spending time with the offensive
         sharing a lunch with the mind-numbing,
uninteresting, humdrum, stupid

the circle of a lifetime
     coming to a stop
at an unknown destination.

i can be your all
   if you let me

open your mind
and let my craziness
enter.

looking into your eyes
i see the pain of our past
and the pain
you are experiencing now
i wish i could turn back time
to the moment i last loved you
but with you having witnessed
a bleak future without me
then maybe
            maybe
we could comfort each other
now.

the years are passing
and my aloneness
seems permanent
but i do question myself
i probe my brain
and decide that yes,
this is my choice
my desire
my hand slap on the table
for it's been so long
my trying to convince others
so i've finally accepted it myself
the fate of being
so very much
alone.

you were given life
but you don't have to accept
the initial terms

you can take it
spin it around
turn it on it's axis
and start in a new direction

you're not happy
   change it!

risk making enemies
& losing friends
that probably never were

grab sadness
& depression
by the neck
and choke the life out of 'em

never give up the search
for happiness...
  contentment
     peace

it's all there if you'd only look hard enough.

i never feared
loneliness
i've always chosen
to be alone
i craved it
wallowed in it
sat satisfied
while alone
i thought
that is what
i wanted
to be alone
to be alone
but
not lonely
loneliness
is consuming
suffocating
it grips
my throat
and squeezes
every
last
breath
until i am left
panting
desperate
for contact
watching
the outside world
of human
commotion
and wanting to
be a part
of anything
something
but
i've pushed
and pushed
and now
there
is nobody
nobody
to reach out to
nobody
to call
nobody
to laugh with
share with
conspire with
and
i am definitively
left
alone
lonely


alone.

i feel the rolling thunder
vibrating through the walls
and it soothes me

splashing rain upon the roof
makes me smile...
...contented

the dreariness outside my window
embraces me like an old lover
and i feel at ease with this moment
comforted by the storm
lulled to sleep by dripping water
and wind ruffling trees

and i wake up feeling purified

...if only for a moment.

this time
i let the rain
wash over me
feeling delighted

and looking
in the mirror
instead of seeing
a drowned rat
i saw a
fluffy kitten.


*"rain down, O heavens, from above,
and let the clouds pour down righteousness..."

don't agonize
in desperation
about what could've been
   between us
don't dwell
on what you could've
   done different.
what is
   can't be changed
words spoken
   will not be forgotten
actions taken
   will continue to hurt

me?

i chose the path
to recovery

and you ?

continue to labor
in the past.

give me a day full of sunshine and flowers
and i will show you the clouds
and the lone ****

a colored world of happiness
drenched in a permanent grey
that my mind cannot erase
has caused many lost years

i want to reach up, grab a cloud
      squeeze out the excess,
and use it to wash the dirt that clutters my mind
so i can see the blue
           green
    yellow
          red
    orange
and green

this self induced misery
is pathetic
    even for me

but amazingly
i find comfort in it.

dreams
with no intention of fulfilling
   wishes
with no desire to make true
   clouded expectations
   false promises
   believing in fantastical thoughts
that provide shattered hope
   lying to yourself
offering a temporary salve
that gets you through another day

that is a very sad existence
   indeed.

winter
why so serious?

a kaleidoscope of images
flash before my eyes
becoming embedded in my brain
what i need to see
   what i long to see
is the perfect you
constructed before me
every piece fitting
just right
turning slowly
you're displayed
for my approval
my heart beats
in anticipation
and the lifelong search
begins...

again.

you're happy
he's happy
they're happy
so much happiness
to be consumed
but what bothers me

         is

is it truthful?

when gentle breezes blow past me
i hear soft words murmured by you
that were never spoken

when the heat of the sun grips me tightly
   and pulls me close
i feel an embrace from you
that never happened

and when feeling exhausted by life
i crave the love from you
that never was.

standing close
until our heartbeats
collide
beating frantically
combining the two
into one
clutching desperately
reaching for anything
that could possibly
bring us closer
a passionate kiss
that grips from within
a soft stroke
becoming stronger
until the intensity
is overwhelming
heat rises
causing
desperate breaths
quietly begging for
                                  more
   giving
    taking
     getting
      receiving
until we collapse
into a heap
of  satisfied
love.

she stood watching him
  swinging slowly
     from side to side
his feet mere inches
   above the floor
she noticed his right shoe
       was untied
she bent down
and absently tied it
   gave his leg a little pat
looking up at his face
she realized he never looked
   so peaceful
she wiped away a teardrop
and put it to his lips
whispering
         good bye
as she heard
approaching sirens in the distance.

you offer yourself
to me
and as tempting
as it may seem
i balk
at the suggestion.

anger doesn't liberate you
it imprisons you

“Tears are words that need to be written.”
― Paulo Coelho

standing only
   on the bus
being jostled about
   my footing is lost
and i fall into you

   sorry

but turning to look
   and smiling
i know that i am not.

if i push, you pull
if i give, you take
if i talk, you listen
but if i love...

will you love?

i want to spit you out
like you're infected bile
that collects at the bottom of my stomach
making me sick.

you leave me desperate
for a good cleansing.

a heart that's never been broken
is a heart that's never felt love

words
i read
and they've blurred
before me
until one
   sentence
      catches
and the rest flows
   so
      so perfectly
like a tightly
fitted puzzle
that when finished
makes a beautiful
poem.

years
being built up
but
one word from you
and i'm
extinct

sing a soft melody
straight from the heart
watch the music
float through the air
looking to land
on worthy ears.

i wait for you
   in the dark
     expectant
       anxious
         prepared
but as the darkness
fades into light
a single teardrop
tells me you aren't coming

my heart is offering me
the comfort of my tears
until the next time.

he looked up at me with pleading eyes
rheumy eyes,
while his breath came out in short huffs
and puffs
i looked down at his hand
and it was shaking slightly
i reached to grab it
but stopped myself

looking at this man
he was hardly the beast of the past
the dark, sinful eyes
were blank
the mouth that uttered profanities
and evil laughter
was silent
the hands that triggered so much pain
were weak and still

here lay a stranger
feeble
old
powerless
begging me for mercy
asking me for forgiveness
willing me to set him free

i bent down lower so we were face to face
gazing intently into his eyes
looking for some truth
trying so hard to find sincerity
trying so very hard to find love
just a small trace
a hint of...

i took in the vacant stare
the emptiness behind it
and shook my head

when i stood up and started towards the door
i heard him whimper quietly
i hesitated
then continued on

it wasn't enough.

she is with him
   and he is with her
they are together
   but those two...
...they're apart
don't talk to him
he is with that one
no   no   no
not him either
he's got eyes for the other one
   there
    that one
he is alone
go for him
   no
i don't think so
i'm still stuck
   on that one
     over there
but there's no chance of that
because him...
...he's with someone else
and me
ha!
***** it
i'm going home

this is messed up.

i stand above you
watching you struggle
desperately trying to get a grip
grabbing at earth
that crumbles away
   from your grasp
the more you try
the more you are obviously
losing
for it is too late
   for you
i am, for once
on solid ground
it took your falling
to get me here
i can't help you
not that i would
if i could
for your sinking
into the depths
of blackness
is what brought me
to the light of being
my salvation
is your purgatory
                  so be it.

begging for understanding
without saying a word
reaching for an illusory hand
feeling an ethereal embrace
holding onto illusive happiness

all in my imagination

i sense you
   staring at me
but when i turn
   you quickly look away

aren't we way too old for this?

the serenity
is what brings me back
year after year

not listening but hearing
the peaceful sounds
of the lake
brings a tenderness to my heart
an uncomplicated feeling
   of just being

looking out across the water
filling myself up
with the sheer wonderment
   of all that is before me
takes me to another level
   of myself
where i am
all accepting
of what is offered to me
   non questioning
    accommodating
     gullible

breathing deeply
i blanket myself with
the pure, unassuming, welcomed
intensity
of sheer happiness.

high
then low
the confusing theory
in my mind
of what is
jumbled thoughts
of happiness
randomly pricked
with pain
and the desperate fight
with the darkness
that has vowed
to take over.

she stumbled over her common sense
which she thought she had lost
many years ago
                       to her first love.

seems it'd been borrowed out
to every love thereafter.

show your strength
by admitting your weakness

for some reason
i always picture myself holding on
   desperately
fingertips lightly touching
       and finally letting go
with me floating away
               up and away
twisting and turning
with arms outstretched

       but no longer seeking to grasp
   or trying to reach out
just thoroughly enjoying
                         the ride.

i met a man
i still don't know
who had a chip on his shoulder

i know where i stand
it's not up to me
to make you feel better

knock that chip off yourself.

i can yell the loudest
   should i prove it
i can laugh the most boisterous
   should i prove it
i can cry intensely
   should i prove it
i can love the deepest
   should i prove it
i can hurt immensely
and i think you've proven *that

...scattered thoughts
explode from my brain
in a medley
of intense sparks & colors
to burst from my mouth
in an eruption of profanities.

climbing the rickety stairs
i keep my eyes
on the worn,
wooden door
just ahead
reaching for the ****
it turns easily
for something so old

opening
   i see you
for the first time in years
facing the window
   rocking
the floor creaking
beneath the chair

you don't turn
you don't acknowledge me
but i know
that you know
i am here

i search the scene
outside the window
trying to see
what you are seeing
but what i observe
is what has always been there
   aged trees
swaying gently in the wind
   a few birds
calling to one another
   farther off
   a hilly horizon
where blue and green
                                kiss

as i approach you
i think i sense a
hesitation in the rocking
   but i'm not sure

i place my hand on your shoulder
and you gently place yours on top
of mine

and together we stare
at an unchanged scene
through a dusty window
dismissing years
and having our hearts embrace
once again.

a black soul is not evil
it's a pretense
of a pulsing heart
waiting to be exposed.

show me something
give me a reason

answer the questions
that constantly beat
inside my skull
   blinding me
     confusing
       blurring all thought
not knowing
   right
     wrong
       indifference

keep me stable
   solid
on hardened ground

but it's too tough
   this insecurity
knocks me
makes things unbalanced
   doubtful
     unsure
of what is what
who is who
   who is real
where am i safe?

i've gathered myself
into a cocoon of security
if only in my head
but safe
nonetheless...

why is it
that more people are bothered
by my relationship status
then i am?

the joy
has been ripped from her soul
and sold to the highest bidder
she looks on
in bewilderment and shame
collapsing in her lack of strength
crying for someone she wishes
she was
not fighting
for what is rightfully hers
standing alone
in a life
she doesn't want
weakened
by her own sense of self

being cradled
in the arms
of depression.