"you must know", he cried
"you must tell me the truth!"
his eyes begged, hers showed nonchalance
she slowly picked at a nail
his fists clenched tighter and tighter as the moments passed
tick tock tick tock
"what must i do?", he begged.
she looked up, only slightly, and smirked
went back to her nail, shrugged
fists opening, closing, opening, closing
tick tock, tick tock
"please" he tried
she lifted her head slightly, a lock of hair hung over an eye, she slowly wetted her lips with her tongue
and then she smiled.
a victorious smile.
"please", he said quietly as his eyes followed her receding footsteps
tick tock, tick tock
slowly he unclenched his fists, his hands shook slightly
"but, i love you"
tick tock, tick tock

i've been added
to the labels of
obscure
obstinate
and obsolete
and i acknowledge
the judgement
with excitement
anticipation
and acknowledgement
of what i've known
all along.

skimming a rock
across the waters
fills me with
melancholy thoughts
and youthful memories
of happier days

unhindered laughter
innocent crushes
bare feet
swimsuits
wet hair
freckled faces
long walks
   longer talks
innocent kisses
opened dreams

oh, to soak my mind
with adolescence
to free my barbed thinking
   and instead
fill my head with innocence
once again

inexperience breeds
an unbridled
exploration.

not everyone can be as lonely as me

*can they?

i'm bewildered
by the weakness you project
compared to the madness
i've witnessed
directed towards
        me.

do you even know
your true self?

i like the word despair
in a poem
it packs a punch
whereas
      sad
        lonely
    unhappy
   or blue
don't offer as much of a
    wallop
give me a desperate, despairing person
burdened by anguish, misery
     and gloom
and i'll show you
a great poet!

a light shines
and it's coming from you
what i thought of as dull
is illuminated
because of your presence
your smile
awakens me
your laughter
brings forth a smile
the conversation that pours from you
fills the room
with comfort
an easiness
flows from you
like honey from a comb
and it works
   it fits
       you fit
and my heart bursts
for you are love
you are peace
and from deep within me
you extract
happiness.

if i think hard enough
i can almost feel
the powerfulness
of your embrace
and
at the time
it feels strong
and i feel secure
but if i allow my mind
to grasp the truth
i know it's only
pretended security
you give me
for an easy
lay.

maybe
i should've given you
a second chance

...i feel the solidness
of the day
holding me steady...

...until a strong wind
of memories
knocks me off
my feet.

it's a sad day indeed
when the only poems
i feel i can write
are full of defeat...

i talk a lot
i know that
one word answers
turn into lifetime stories
i am constantly explaining myself
   my actions
why i do what i do
why i think the way i think
i over analyze
   under estimate
don't take credit for
   but give credit to
speculate
   insist upon

and question

questions demand answers
and some answers require more questions
which present answers that just don't cut it
for me
so...

yes, i talk a lot
i know that.

i'm standing at the fork
looking this way and that
both roads look the same
but i know they're not
it's crucial i choose the right one
which way is my heart telling me to go?
...my head?
i again glance this way
and that
there's no sign
there's no one to point me in the right direction
so i swallow hard
and take the first step
   then the second
   third
   fourth
and i'm running
because i know
i have chosen the right path

grab me
   you
take charge of my body
show me what it can do
   touch
     stroke
      caress
weaken me enough
until a contented sigh
of satisfaction
escapes my lips

i've lost the feeling
of love
i push my mind to the brink
willing it to remember
cradling it with memories
hoping my senses
will recall the familiarity
   of touch
     longing
         anticipation
but there is
   nothing
except i do feel
an ache
deep within
a void
   emptiness
not broken
but not fixed
unexplainable
so not missed
my mind says i haven't given up
but my body says
let it go.

the truth is thrown at me
like a discarded
*** of paper
missing the target completely
but the point is made.

being alone
and accepting loneliness
separates
that are thrown together
when all explanations
have grown thin.

standing on the corner waiting for the light to change
i'm looking at this one, that one, the one over there
all these people, all these moving beings
walking, walking, walking,
talking, talking, talking
lost in oblivion
not paying attention
to me
to anyone
BUMP
i stumble, drop a book
not a glance
no apology
vessel of meat with arms and legs
no heart
no feelings
talking, talking, talking
what's so important?
did someone die?
.....
ah, you're meeting for drinks at 6
and you'll
walk, walk, walk
so you could
talk, talk, talk
to another
creature of habit
fun.

i've drawn an imaginary circle
                               around me
daring all to cross the line
and after crossing
                       daring again
to try and make me like you.

sitting alone
on a bench
eyes closed
silent
he startled
and opened his eyes
to find a small girl
standing before him
offering him a bright, yellow flower
"this is for you"
she said
"so you won't be sad no more"

he accepted it, confused
and she turned and skipped away

he looked at the flower
then smiled
and his heart glowed

thank god for the genuine goodness of children

urging myself to see something
   that isn't there
parading myself by uninterested observers
   hoping for acknowledgment
keeping the faith
   when faith was lost so long ago
giving a smile
   when my insides are ripped to shreds
laughing at unfunny jokes
   hugging the grotesque
spending time with the offensive
         sharing a lunch with the mind-numbing,
uninteresting, humdrum, stupid

the circle of a lifetime
     coming to a stop
at an unknown destination.

a mind wasted away
memories that no longer exist
imagined stories
   and adventures
fabrication
   not lies
finding comfort
   within a hug
      that never was
knowing people
   you've never met
moving through the days
   on brainwaves of inebriated bliss
      and fantastical pain
meeting, for the first time,
   the face in the mirror
living a different life
                             every day...

scrambling for attention
   the masses are
crowded streets
highways
horns blaring
curses spewed
anxious people
hurried towards nowhere
going through the daily
motions
then sitting idle
   come evening
pondering the day
trying in vain
to figure out the way
towards happiness
                        contentment
              peace
and failing miserably
   each
      and
         every
time.

...a thank you to all who helped me attain 70 followers. i glow with both the anticipation of reading and writing great poetry and i am honored to be a part of this community of great artists in every sense of the word.
i am humbled, thank you.
susan

i am consumed
with anger
   resentment
a disturbing need
for revenge
my body cries out
  for hurt
   cast upon
    another
and it makes me
uncomfortable
a personal insult
or something taken
as which
cannot be forgotten
cannot be ignored
cannot be cast aside
as something that
                                        is
i envy the person that can
and i laugh at the person that will
brush the intended dig
to the side
           ignored
      shrugged at

but me

i will get even
i will accomplish
peace of mind
by dishing out
what i was given

it's only right...right?
'cuz we all've heard
karma...

it's a *****.

you're in my head so much
i don't know if i'm living my life
or yours

you are the breath i crave
on lonely days
when desperation
suffocates my very soul

your embrace
warms me
the feelings of hopelessness
slowly draining
while i am filled
with temporary
ease

when i shake
you calm
when i cry
you soothe
when i feel alone
i think of you
and i dream
of love

and this love
the only love
in the purest of forms
cradles me
and lulls me into believing

i'm going to be
ok.

time takes it's toll
and changes become
evident
i wish to blur
my reflection
but my eyes won't
deceive
and the acceptance
that hovers 'round my soul
doesn't come
easy.

i can be your all
   if you let me

open your mind
and let my craziness
enter.

sitting in traffic
looking around me
   at all these people
     going with the flow
moving slowly forward
   or shooting frantically past
          in a hurry
or biding time
        waiting
to reach a destination
that puts them through the motions
of this mediocre thing
we all call life.

if i blow hard enough
can i rid myself
of whatever affliction
clouds my judgement
and shadows my insight?

if i thump my chest hard enough
will i jump start my heart
to feeling once again
the love i know is there
   somewhere?

if i write long enough
will i finally convince myself
of my talent
   and creativity
and become accepting
of that truth?

and if i think hard enough
will i find within me
thoughts of certainty
   and bliss
unscathed by my relentless feelings
of uneasiness and worry?

the calming of these universal questions
are what i seek.

do you see
what i am projecting?

look at me!

closer

                        closer

            closer...still

who am i
              to you?

this silliness
i am trying to prove
has got to come to an end

what you see
is what you get
                                      literally

i won't falsify
i will not pretend
i will not provoke a porous
        habitable
      accommodating
                     agreeable
      acceptable

me

THIS is me
this is who i am

take it


or


leave it.

(i really don't give a ****).

dreams
with no intention of fulfilling
   wishes
with no desire to make true
   clouded expectations
   false promises
   believing in fantastical thoughts
that provide shattered hope
   lying to yourself
offering a temporary salve
that gets you through another day

that is a very sad existence
   indeed.

writing about cheeriness
      isn't as soul gripping
as writing about despair



is the contented mind
                  uncreative?

a shadow plays with my mind
crossing the room
ending in the chair
where you used to sit
and for a very brief moment
my heart skips a beat in anticipation
halted by thoughts
of how it used to be.

i want to shake thoughts of you
like dust from a rug
to follow the breeze
and dissipate
into the sunny air
away from my space
but maybe polluting
another's

give me a day full of sunshine and flowers
and i will show you the clouds
and the lone ****

a colored world of happiness
drenched in a permanent grey
that my mind cannot erase
has caused many lost years

i want to reach up, grab a cloud
      squeeze out the excess,
and use it to wash the dirt that clutters my mind
so i can see the blue
           green
    yellow
          red
    orange
and green

this self induced misery
is pathetic
    even for me

but amazingly
i find comfort in it.

the father's arms
hold the girl close
he feels her weak heartbeat
against his chest
in his mind
he is desperately seeking
for help
   an answer
   some advise
   a sign of reassurance
               that this child
   will be okay
that this creature
    a part of him
a living being that he helped create
will survive this
she must pull through
she has to
for without her
he has no purpose
no reason
her life was planned
   mapped out
in his soul
years before
since the very beginning
of him
without him there would be no her
but without her
he also, will cease to exist.

i feel the rolling thunder
vibrating through the walls
and it soothes me

splashing rain upon the roof
makes me smile...
...contented

the dreariness outside my window
embraces me like an old lover
and i feel at ease with this moment
comforted by the storm
lulled to sleep by dripping water
and wind ruffling trees

and i wake up feeling purified

...if only for a moment.

the realization
that i've finally gotten
what i thought i wanted
leaves me desperate
to have
what i thought
i didn't need.

i question my sanity
and state of mind
i can feel the cruelness within
and it burdens me
with sadness

i watch people
through windows
moving drapes
to get a glimpse
i hear people
the muddled laughter
the bark of a dog
the screams of children
at play
and i sit
and wait
and wonder
who's happy
who's desolate
content
satisfied
or who is like me
watching
listening
waiting
agonizing
in the thought
of yet another
day.

you are to me
something i've ignored
and tried to toss away
for years.

when gentle breezes blow past me
i hear soft words murmured by you
that were never spoken

when the heat of the sun grips me tightly
   and pulls me close
i feel an embrace from you
that never happened

and when feeling exhausted by life
i crave the love from you
that never was.

anger doesn't liberate you
it imprisons you

my head is filled
with waves of memories
from simpler times
the happiness
i remember
fills me
with a melancholic
longing

it was me
i've lost

and the image
i see in the mirror
is a stranger

what have i become?
when did it all slip away?
and more importantly...

how can i get it back?

skip to my lou, my darling
trip on a rock
and smash your head in.

she stood watching him
  swinging slowly
     from side to side
his feet mere inches
   above the floor
she noticed his right shoe
       was untied
she bent down
and absently tied it
   gave his leg a little pat
looking up at his face
she realized he never looked
   so peaceful
she wiped away a teardrop
and put it to his lips
whispering
         good bye
as she heard
approaching sirens in the distance.

she is with him
   and he is with her
they are together
   but those two...
...they're apart
don't talk to him
he is with that one
no   no   no
not him either
he's got eyes for the other one
   there
    that one
he is alone
go for him
   no
i don't think so
i'm still stuck
   on that one
     over there
but there's no chance of that
because him...
...he's with someone else
and me
ha!
***** it
i'm going home

this is messed up.

you're happy
he's happy
they're happy
so much happiness
to be consumed
but what bothers me

         is

is it truthful?