i pass the time
thinking of him
hoping my words
have stuck
hoping the desperation
i'd sometimes shown
wasn't frowned upon
   but accepted
and realized as truthful
for i only want happiness
   peace of mind
     contentment
for him

giving to my child
something i couldn't reach myself
i can live with.

i will give you
nothing less
than me
if you'll accept
nothing less
than myself.

i get sick of the pathetic outpouring of
undying love
the pitiful begging
to someone
who doesn't give a ****
how can rejection
reduce a once self-possessed
                    someone
into
a spineless, slithering, mindless
                     coward
whose obvious outcome
is of being smeared
on the pavement of love.

today is cold
dreary
wintery
which makes sense
considering tomorrow
is the first day of winter
and i must say
   welcome
   come on in
   let's play
'cuz the sooner i can welcome you
the sooner i can say goodbye

*no offense, of course

i talk a lot
i know that
one word answers
turn into lifetime stories
i am constantly explaining myself
   my actions
why i do what i do
why i think the way i think
i over analyze
   under estimate
don't take credit for
   but give credit to
speculate
   insist upon

and question

questions demand answers
and some answers require more questions
which present answers that just don't cut it
for me
so...

yes, i talk a lot
i know that.

the wind blows grey clouds
past my window
blocking my view
                     of you
by the time they disperse
all that's left
are footprints in the mud
and a wisp of smoke
from where you were standing

my eyes told me you were real
but my mind questions this

but all i have as proof
is a muddy footprint
                  and smoke up my ***.

such a shame.

feeling alone
in a world
filled with greens
and blues
distant seas
beckon me
the wind tossed
branches of trees
whisper gently to me
i yearn
for the comforting arms
of a positive world
but my heart cries
in vain
any response
is silenced
and the suffocating aloneness
proves inescapable
as the days
drip by.

writing about cheeriness
      isn't as soul gripping
as writing about despair



is the contented mind
                  uncreative?

plunging into despair
the grip weakens me
from the inside
out
all hope
i've gathered
evaporates
with pokes
of insecurity
and thoughts
of helplessness
the height i've gained
is slowly being pulled
downward
into a slouching mass
of indescribable
sadness

i fight

but the continued losses
brings in me
an indescribable
hopelessness

i am here
again
alone
thinking
thinking
thinking
contemplating
what...­
when...
where...
sorting
separating
blending
thoughts
that make no sense
trying to figure out
why
what is my purpose
why
am i here
taking up needed space
why
breathing in
selfish air
why
to keep these lungs
pumping
pumping
pumping
why
supporting my twisted head
allowing my brain
to spew out
these unnecessary
words
why
that *****
crave
confirmation
and acceptance
why
why
why

i do cry
if only in my head
the longing
the need

         why

for answers

to questions

                 why

that even I

                                     why

can't explain.

skipping through life
following the
ordinary
riding the waves
of normal
cashing in
on what's
expected
a life filled
him
      her
the added
              2.5
BA
BS
MD
   SUV
RSVP
        FYI
ASAP
AAA
AM/PM
ETC...
         DOA
A-list
who cares!!!
we are flesh
meat
bones
grey matter
that twists
turns
vibrates
to the emotions
that we feed
nurture
shape
mold
and           encourage

live it
love it

BE

push me into the night
and protect me with darkness
where my dreams can come alive
and bring me to worlds
beyond my imagination

encircle me in fantastic wishes
and fulfilling moments
filled with peace & gratitude
embraced by those who love me.

i've lost the feeling
of love
i push my mind to the brink
willing it to remember
cradling it with memories
hoping my senses
will recall the familiarity
   of touch
     longing
         anticipation
but there is
   nothing
except i do feel
an ache
deep within
a void
   emptiness
not broken
but not fixed
unexplainable
so not missed
my mind says i haven't given up
but my body says
let it go.

my heart hurts
not for a lost love
nor for unfulfilled passion
but for loss
i've lost something
i didn't know i needed
until i realized it was
gone
the seeds i've sown
have evolved into something
i
  do
    not
      want
but the thought
of exhuming
what i had grown
leaves me burdened
with a heavy sadness
and leaves me desperate
for signs of
i can understand.

today, i'm within myself
looking out
and wondering
where exactly is that hand
that reaches out for me?

or have i slapped it away
so many times
they've finally given up?

he cries out
in pain or ecstacy
only he knows
bewildered he looks up
red eyed and sweating
a glance at him sees
dirt crusted, torn clothes
tangled, black hair streaked with grey
open sores
old snot crusts his nose
slowly he pushes himself up
trying to steady himself against a brick wall
when he stands his pants fall slightly
he neither notices or attempts to lift them
people scurry past him
some give disgusted glances
others pretend to not see
he shakily extends a ***** hand
weakly he whispers
'help please'
he's no one's husband
no one's father
no one's son
he is alone
everyday
hoping someone
anyone
will notice him

a mind wasted away
memories that no longer exist
imagined stories
   and adventures
fabrication
   not lies
finding comfort
   within a hug
      that never was
knowing people
   you've never met
moving through the days
   on brainwaves of inebriated bliss
      and fantastical pain
meeting, for the first time,
   the face in the mirror
living a different life
                             every day...

i like the word despair
in a poem
it packs a punch
whereas
      sad
        lonely
    unhappy
   or blue
don't offer as much of a
    wallop
give me a desperate, despairing person
burdened by anguish, misery
     and gloom
and i'll show you
a great poet!

the viscosity of my life
   offers me slim hope
     of treading through.

words melt off the page
from tears
dripping from his eyes
he's trying so, so hard
to express himself
but his grief erases
all his heart has spoken
     she's gone
and the exclamations of longing
that his soul is so desperate to project
are doused by the sorrow he feels
for a love that will not be
   returned.

i've been added
to the labels of
obscure
obstinate
and obsolete
and i acknowledge
the judgement
with excitement
anticipation
and acknowledgement
of what i've known
all along.

the truth is thrown at me
like a discarded
*** of paper
missing the target completely
but the point is made.

it's a sad day indeed
when the only poems
i feel i can write
are full of defeat...

floating with the breeze
letting it take me
...wherever
skimming, sliding, bending, twisting
laughing
enjoying it all
guzzling mouthfuls of air
synchronizing my breath
with the movements of my body
freeing myself from all restraints
feeling harmonized with the universe
letting myself go
to embrace all that is good

today is a good day.

alone in an atmosphere
of
what if's
maybe's
and
could've beens
i don't belong here
what wrong turn
have i taken
when did my
smarts
betray me
why did i settle
for less
than what
i know
i am worth
the losers
the degenerates
the downtroddens
embrace me
for being
the same
and i've reached the low
of low
the lowest
of lows
and still
i cannot
will not
accept
that i am accepted
into this familiar
of the unfamiliar
lifestyle.

feeling your breath
upon my neck
i urge my eyes to close
as i picture the you
i've imagined
in my dreams

as your breathing grows more intense
i'm lost in a fantasy
of pretend love;
picturing daisies
and blue skies
gentle rains
and swaying trees

and later, as you lie close to me
softly snoring
i imagine that happiness
fills my weary heart.

i've drawn an imaginary circle
                               around me
daring all to cross the line
and after crossing
                       daring again
to try and make me like you.

sitting alone
on a bench
eyes closed
silent
he startled
and opened his eyes
to find a small girl
standing before him
offering him a bright, yellow flower
"this is for you"
she said
"so you won't be sad no more"

he accepted it, confused
and she turned and skipped away

he looked at the flower
then smiled
and his heart glowed

thank god for the genuine goodness of children

time spent
wasted
forgotten thoughts
enter the inebriation
and float in obscurity
not to be remembered

not wanting to be remembered

smooth liquid
flows over any consciousness
and leaves a lovely feeling
of numb

"you must know", he cried
"you must tell me the truth!"
his eyes begged, hers showed nonchalance
she slowly picked at a nail
his fists clenched tighter and tighter as the moments passed
tick tock tick tock
"what must i do?", he begged.
she looked up, only slightly, and smirked
went back to her nail, shrugged
fists opening, closing, opening, closing
tick tock, tick tock
"please" he tried
she lifted her head slightly, a lock of hair hung over an eye, she slowly wetted her lips with her tongue
and then she smiled.
a victorious smile.
"please", he said quietly as his eyes followed her receding footsteps
tick tock, tick tock
slowly he unclenched his fists, his hands shook slightly
"but, i love you"
tick tock, tick tock

i'm standing at the fork
looking this way and that
both roads look the same
but i know they're not
it's crucial i choose the right one
which way is my heart telling me to go?
...my head?
i again glance this way
and that
there's no sign
there's no one to point me in the right direction
so i swallow hard
and take the first step
   then the second
   third
   fourth
and i'm running
because i know
i have chosen the right path

i walk with you
feeling protected
by your arm
          casually draped
across my shoulders
i don't know
if we've walked blocks
       or miles
because when i'm in
the comfort of you
             time doesn't matter.

if i think hard enough
i can almost feel
the powerfulness
of your embrace
and
at the time
it feels strong
and i feel secure
but if i allow my mind
to grasp the truth
i know it's only
pretended security
you give me
for an easy
lay.

being alone
and accepting loneliness
separates
that are thrown together
when all explanations
have grown thin.

grab me
   you
take charge of my body
show me what it can do
   touch
     stroke
      caress
weaken me enough
until a contented sigh
of satisfaction
escapes my lips

sitting in traffic
looking around me
   at all these people
     going with the flow
moving slowly forward
   or shooting frantically past
          in a hurry
or biding time
        waiting
to reach a destination
that puts them through the motions
of this mediocre thing
we all call life.

stopping mid walk
and glancing up at the sky
i wonder
where does this all lead
   to keep pushing on
struggling to get through the days
and not seeing advancement
is disheartening
i cry to the sky
   the universe
to show me something
give me hope
   a reason
to keep moving forward
the loss of friends
   family
   myself
makes this day drearier
than the day before
it all seems so senseless
   ignorant even
to keep going
going and going
continuing the mundane
for nothing

somewhere, somehow
at sometime
there has to be a light
there has to be a reason
to continue this struggle

the father's arms
hold the girl close
he feels her weak heartbeat
against his chest
in his mind
he is desperately seeking
for help
   an answer
   some advise
   a sign of reassurance
               that this child
   will be okay
that this creature
    a part of him
a living being that he helped create
will survive this
she must pull through
she has to
for without her
he has no purpose
no reason
her life was planned
   mapped out
in his soul
years before
since the very beginning
of him
without him there would be no her
but without her
he also, will cease to exist.

you are to me
something i've ignored
and tried to toss away
for years.

the you
that i've been blaming
is actually
me.

you're in my head so much
i don't know if i'm living my life
or yours

the misted lake
seems to flow forever
and i sit with wine
and scrambled thoughts
offering them up
to ride the waves
of uncertainty
hoping to touch another
with similar concerns
to be tossed back
to me.

not everyone can be as lonely as me

*can they?

belonging
then not
being swallowed
by a sea of emotion
then
drifting
bobbing
my eyes are closed
to what surrounds
me
i don't want to know
where i am
who has beckoned me
what has
disrupted my thoughts
i struggle to paddle back
fighting the current
suffering
tortured
to return
to the place
i feel the most
at home
safe

by myself
alone
i am comforted
embraced
by solitude

solitude.

maybe
i should've given you
a second chance

i can be your all
   if you let me

open your mind
and let my craziness
enter.

standing on the corner waiting for the light to change
i'm looking at this one, that one, the one over there
all these people, all these moving beings
walking, walking, walking,
talking, talking, talking
lost in oblivion
not paying attention
to me
to anyone
BUMP
i stumble, drop a book
not a glance
no apology
vessel of meat with arms and legs
no heart
no feelings
talking, talking, talking
what's so important?
did someone die?
.....
ah, you're meeting for drinks at 6
and you'll
walk, walk, walk
so you could
talk, talk, talk
to another
creature of habit
fun.

i'm bewildered
by the weakness you project
compared to the madness
i've witnessed
directed towards
        me.

do you even know
your true self?

a shadow plays with my mind
crossing the room
ending in the chair
where you used to sit
and for a very brief moment
my heart skips a beat in anticipation
halted by thoughts
of how it used to be.

the realization
that i've finally gotten
what i thought i wanted
leaves me desperate
to have
what i thought
i didn't need.