floating with the breeze
letting it take me
...wherever
skimming, sliding, bending, twisting
laughing
enjoying it all
guzzling mouthfuls of air
synchronizing my breath
with the movements of my body
freeing myself from all restraints
feeling harmonized with the universe
letting myself go
to embrace all that is good

today is a good day.

i have the urge
to walk into a bar
grab a barstool
order a beer
and join in some good o'l boy conversation...

does that make me less of a woman?

my eyes borrow time from my brain
so they could stay open just a bit longer
to see the things
my hands have to create
on screen
which staring at makes my eyes weaker
forcing them to call on the brain
for help
...once again

if only this cycle would stop
with sleep.

you brought her down
with a word
     and a stare
and with that
you twisted her tortured heart
into black silence
destroying any chance she ever had
of feeling loved

a succession in pain
administered by a coward.

i talk a lot
i know that
one word answers
turn into lifetime stories
i am constantly explaining myself
   my actions
why i do what i do
why i think the way i think
i over analyze
   under estimate
don't take credit for
   but give credit to
speculate
   insist upon

and question

questions demand answers
and some answers require more questions
which present answers that just don't cut it
for me
so...

yes, i talk a lot
i know that.

alone in an atmosphere
of
what if's
maybe's
and
could've beens
i don't belong here
what wrong turn
have i taken
when did my
smarts
betray me
why did i settle
for less
than what
i know
i am worth
the losers
the degenerates
the downtroddens
embrace me
for being
the same
and i've reached the low
of low
the lowest
of lows
and still
i cannot
will not
accept
that i am accepted
into this familiar
of the unfamiliar
lifestyle.

i crave
a strong chest
to lay my head upon
comforting arms
wrapped around me
eyes that meet mine
with glassy certainty
a home against a body
that fits snuggly into mine
no assumptions
no questions
no sleepless nights
just something
that's us.

i pass the time
thinking of him
hoping my words
have stuck
hoping the desperation
i'd sometimes shown
wasn't frowned upon
   but accepted
and realized as truthful
for i only want happiness
   peace of mind
     contentment
for him

giving to my child
something i couldn't reach myself
i can live with.

you struggle too much
for me to accept
that you are happy.

i will give you
nothing less
than me
if you'll accept
nothing less
than myself.

a mind wasted away
memories that no longer exist
imagined stories
   and adventures
fabrication
   not lies
finding comfort
   within a hug
      that never was
knowing people
   you've never met
moving through the days
   on brainwaves of inebriated bliss
      and fantastical pain
meeting, for the first time,
   the face in the mirror
living a different life
                             every day...

today, i'm within myself
looking out
and wondering
where exactly is that hand
that reaches out for me?

or have i slapped it away
so many times
they've finally given up?

feeling your breath
upon my neck
i urge my eyes to close
as i picture the you
i've imagined
in my dreams

as your breathing grows more intense
i'm lost in a fantasy
of pretend love;
picturing daisies
and blue skies
gentle rains
and swaying trees

and later, as you lie close to me
softly snoring
i imagine that happiness
fills my weary heart.

i've lost the feeling
of love
i push my mind to the brink
willing it to remember
cradling it with memories
hoping my senses
will recall the familiarity
   of touch
     longing
         anticipation
but there is
   nothing
except i do feel
an ache
deep within
a void
   emptiness
not broken
but not fixed
unexplainable
so not missed
my mind says i haven't given up
but my body says
let it go.

feeling alone
in a world
filled with greens
and blues
distant seas
beckon me
the wind tossed
branches of trees
whisper gently to me
i yearn
for the comforting arms
of a positive world
but my heart cries
in vain
any response
is silenced
and the suffocating aloneness
proves inescapable
as the days
drip by.

push me into the night
and protect me with darkness
where my dreams can come alive
and bring me to worlds
beyond my imagination

encircle me in fantastic wishes
and fulfilling moments
filled with peace & gratitude
embraced by those who love me.

the wind blows
   copper colored leaves
flip and turn
   along the straw colored grass
the smell of wood burning
   circles the air
bringing melancholy thoughts
   of younger years
gripping my head
   forcing me to think
of days past

autumn is close.

the wind blows grey clouds
past my window
blocking my view
                     of you
by the time they disperse
all that's left
are footprints in the mud
and a wisp of smoke
from where you were standing

my eyes told me you were real
but my mind questions this

but all i have as proof
is a muddy footprint
                  and smoke up my ***.

such a shame.

writing about cheeriness
      isn't as soul gripping
as writing about despair



is the contented mind
                  uncreative?

it's a sad day indeed
when the only poems
i feel i can write
are full of defeat...

the viscosity of my life
   offers me slim hope
     of treading through.

he cries out
in pain or ecstacy
only he knows
bewildered he looks up
red eyed and sweating
a glance at him sees
dirt crusted, torn clothes
tangled, black hair streaked with grey
open sores
old snot crusts his nose
slowly he pushes himself up
trying to steady himself against a brick wall
when he stands his pants fall slightly
he neither notices or attempts to lift them
people scurry past him
some give disgusted glances
others pretend to not see
he shakily extends a ***** hand
weakly he whispers
'help please'
he's no one's husband
no one's father
no one's son
he is alone
everyday
hoping someone
anyone
will notice him

i like the word despair
in a poem
it packs a punch
whereas
      sad
        lonely
    unhappy
   or blue
don't offer as much of a
    wallop
give me a desperate, despairing person
burdened by anguish, misery
     and gloom
and i'll show you
a great poet!

the you
that i've been blaming
is actually
me.

i walk with you
feeling protected
by your arm
          casually draped
across my shoulders
i don't know
if we've walked blocks
       or miles
because when i'm in
the comfort of you
             time doesn't matter.

time spent
wasted
forgotten thoughts
enter the inebriation
and float in obscurity
not to be remembered

not wanting to be remembered

smooth liquid
flows over any consciousness
and leaves a lovely feeling
of numb

i've been added
to the labels of
obscure
obstinate
and obsolete
and i acknowledge
the judgement
with excitement
anticipation
and acknowledgement
of what i've known
all along.

belonging
then not
being swallowed
by a sea of emotion
then
drifting
bobbing
my eyes are closed
to what surrounds
me
i don't want to know
where i am
who has beckoned me
what has
disrupted my thoughts
i struggle to paddle back
fighting the current
suffering
tortured
to return
to the place
i feel the most
at home
safe

by myself
alone
i am comforted
embraced
by solitude

solitude.

words melt off the page
from tears
dripping from his eyes
he's trying so, so hard
to express himself
but his grief erases
all his heart has spoken
     she's gone
and the exclamations of longing
that his soul is so desperate to project
are doused by the sorrow he feels
for a love that will not be
   returned.

the misted lake
seems to flow forever
and i sit with wine
and scrambled thoughts
offering them up
to ride the waves
of uncertainty
hoping to touch another
with similar concerns
to be tossed back
to me.

the truth is thrown at me
like a discarded
*** of paper
missing the target completely
but the point is made.

i've drawn an imaginary circle
                               around me
daring all to cross the line
and after crossing
                       daring again
to try and make me like you.

sitting alone
on a bench
eyes closed
silent
he startled
and opened his eyes
to find a small girl
standing before him
offering him a bright, yellow flower
"this is for you"
she said
"so you won't be sad no more"

he accepted it, confused
and she turned and skipped away

he looked at the flower
then smiled
and his heart glowed

thank god for the genuine goodness of children

being alone
and accepting loneliness
separates
that are thrown together
when all explanations
have grown thin.

"you must know", he cried
"you must tell me the truth!"
his eyes begged, hers showed nonchalance
she slowly picked at a nail
his fists clenched tighter and tighter as the moments passed
tick tock tick tock
"what must i do?", he begged.
she looked up, only slightly, and smirked
went back to her nail, shrugged
fists opening, closing, opening, closing
tick tock, tick tock
"please" he tried
she lifted her head slightly, a lock of hair hung over an eye, she slowly wetted her lips with her tongue
and then she smiled.
a victorious smile.
"please", he said quietly as his eyes followed her receding footsteps
tick tock, tick tock
slowly he unclenched his fists, his hands shook slightly
"but, i love you"
tick tock, tick tock

i'm standing at the fork
looking this way and that
both roads look the same
but i know they're not
it's crucial i choose the right one
which way is my heart telling me to go?
...my head?
i again glance this way
and that
there's no sign
there's no one to point me in the right direction
so i swallow hard
and take the first step
   then the second
   third
   fourth
and i'm running
because i know
i have chosen the right path

sitting in traffic
looking around me
   at all these people
     going with the flow
moving slowly forward
   or shooting frantically past
          in a hurry
or biding time
        waiting
to reach a destination
that puts them through the motions
of this mediocre thing
we all call life.

if i think hard enough
i can almost feel
the powerfulness
of your embrace
and
at the time
it feels strong
and i feel secure
but if i allow my mind
to grasp the truth
i know it's only
pretended security
you give me
for an easy
lay.

maybe
i should've given you
a second chance

grab me
   you
take charge of my body
show me what it can do
   touch
     stroke
      caress
weaken me enough
until a contented sigh
of satisfaction
escapes my lips

the father's arms
hold the girl close
he feels her weak heartbeat
against his chest
in his mind
he is desperately seeking
for help
   an answer
   some advise
   a sign of reassurance
               that this child
   will be okay
that this creature
    a part of him
a living being that he helped create
will survive this
she must pull through
she has to
for without her
he has no purpose
no reason
her life was planned
   mapped out
in his soul
years before
since the very beginning
of him
without him there would be no her
but without her
he also, will cease to exist.

stopping mid walk
and glancing up at the sky
i wonder
where does this all lead
   to keep pushing on
struggling to get through the days
and not seeing advancement
is disheartening
i cry to the sky
   the universe
to show me something
give me hope
   a reason
to keep moving forward
the loss of friends
   family
   myself
makes this day drearier
than the day before
it all seems so senseless
   ignorant even
to keep going
going and going
continuing the mundane
for nothing

somewhere, somehow
at sometime
there has to be a light
there has to be a reason
to continue this struggle

not everyone can be as lonely as me

*can they?

you are to me
something i've ignored
and tried to toss away
for years.

i can be your all
   if you let me

open your mind
and let my craziness
enter.

you're in my head so much
i don't know if i'm living my life
or yours

a shadow plays with my mind
crossing the room
ending in the chair
where you used to sit
and for a very brief moment
my heart skips a beat in anticipation
halted by thoughts
of how it used to be.

i'm bewildered
by the weakness you project
compared to the madness
i've witnessed
directed towards
        me.

do you even know
your true self?

i never feared
loneliness
i've always chosen
to be alone
i craved it
wallowed in it
sat satisfied
while alone
i thought
that is what
i wanted
to be alone
to be alone
but
not lonely
loneliness
is consuming
suffocating
it grips
my throat
and squeezes
every
last
breath
until i am left
panting
desperate
for contact
watching
the outside world
of human
commotion
and wanting to
be a part
of anything
something
but
i've pushed
and pushed
and now
there
is nobody
nobody
to reach out to
nobody
to call
nobody
to laugh with
share with
conspire with
and
i am definitively
left
alone
lonely


alone.

i question my sanity
and state of mind
i can feel the cruelness within
and it burdens me
with sadness