treachery
of the human heart
has no
bounds
its grip
   vicelike
     suffocating
causing injury
past the last
breath
of surrender

expendable desire
ignites
the flames
of desperation
glorifying
in the agony
of the intended

your want
   it's need
begging
scratching
devouring
until that one
last
morsel
of
hope

is found

and the soothing grip
of factitious
affection
lulls you

once again

into imagined
harmony
and hooked on a
blissful
state
of forged
devotion.

throwing myself
onto the wave of normalcy
being spit out
to ride the thunderstorm
of uniqueness...

i like you
you offer me light
   which few have done

when i reach towards it
   and you
the darkness that
envelopes me
   fades

i stare in awe
at the brilliance you hold
and i smile with joy
knowing it's me
you're giving it to.

if i could give you
everything i'd wished
were given to me
i can rest
easy.

sitting
contemplating
considering
what is
that what
that's in front of me
just doesn't jive
i want more
i deserve more
i've been promised
more
by me
as the years pass
i see my dreams
slipping away
following the unending
current of time
glancing back
with a wink
and a dejected nod
suggesting
time's up
how long
can a clouded soul
   a disappointed heart
continue to thrive
when all that's placed
in front of it
is more sorrow?

the words drop kicked my brain
and startled it
into writing again.

his words strike me
with the bitterness of a winter wind
leaving me still
   and shivering
agonizing for the cloak
of strength
that will protect me
and cover me in warmth.

my head is filled
with waves of memories
from simpler times
the happiness
i remember
fills me
with a melancholic
longing

it was me
i've lost

and the image
i see in the mirror
is a stranger

what have i become?
when did it all slip away?
and more importantly...

how can i get it back?

the hopeful shuffling
of the unfortunate
poses the question

why?

i'm known
only to me
i've faked
introduced
established
convinced
and allowed
a false persona
to shine
those who know me
don't
those who wish to
won't
i've struggled
to accept
the inevitable
that the me
i depict
contradicts
the me
i ache for.

broken hearts
don't mean much to me
   now

i won't weep with you
when you've been tossed
nor will i offer
words of comfort
or a tissue
to wipe your snotty nose
after endless days of crying

   but

i will encourage you to look at me
   probe
     feel and
       pinch me, if you must
for i am living proof
that one can survive a broken heart
even a heart that's been
                   stomped on
        chewed up
drained
           and spit out
laughed at
          humiliated
                    used
and eventually
ignored

and that should give you the comfort
you need

'cuz something broken
   can definitely be fixed.

a twisted, demented, psyche
tangled with obscene thoughts
producing a wild eyed look
that scares the unfortunate
                            who don't understand

uncontrollable twitches
wracking an untamed body
trying in vain
to suppress the brain
                spitting at a stranger instead

foul language
     unimaginable strength
       hurting without meaning to
                                                    embarrassi­ng the ignorant
being shunned
   ridiculed
     abolished

to live a life
of abandonment
and loneliness
all because of a warped
mind.

desperation
breeds
nothing

aloofness
breaks
hearts.

i watch people
through windows
moving drapes
to get a glimpse
i hear people
the muddled laughter
the bark of a dog
the screams of children
at play
and i sit
and wait
and wonder
who's happy
who's desolate
content
satisfied
or who is like me
watching
listening
waiting
agonizing
in the thought
of yet another
day.

i've pushed you over
the edge of reason
and while desperately hanging on
you look up at me
and smile.

sadness is the friend you gave up long ago
who continues to torture you
with uninvited knocks
on your door.

i dreamt of blood
   and pain
and horrified eyes
suffering
   and loss
and an undeniable desire
to set free

but i was helpless
   in this dream
to save the hurt
to ease the pain
to comfort
a terrified soul

i awoke
with wet eyes
and the gripping fear
of falling asleep
again.

...i feel the solidness
of the day
holding me steady...

...until a strong wind
of memories
knocks me off
my feet.

there's you
there's me
and there's us
at this time
i'll stick with the me
without the you
giving me no reason
for us

a friendship ends
when you're no longer cool
but an embarrassment...

sometimes
i just want to shake you free
let you fall to the ground
sweep you up
and toss you in the trash
wiping my hands saying
"his time was up,
he's used,
broken,
beyond repair"
then turn and walk away

but i can't

and it's hard

it feels like you're beating my heart
with your fists
until it becomes so battered
with bruises and pain
i can hardly breath
the pressure becomes unbearable
the hurt intolerable
agonizing

my only release is to weep
weep for the boy you once were
weep for the boy i know still exists
weep for the boy i love so, so unconditionally
and weep because i feel i have failed you
somehow
at some point

and i can't forgive myself for that
not now

so please, please
prove me wrong
and don't give up on yourself, my love

because if you do
i don't think i can live with that

happiness comes
   in fleeting moments
     that fly by too fast
and too soon

i'm never prepared
for a happy moment.

i want to grab your face
and hold it
so you look closely,
and uncomfortably
into my eyes

can you please tell me

why you think
and take every chance
to vocalize
i am less than what i actually am?

can you hear me
i am crying out to you but
can you hear me
i am desperate
i need you but
can you hear me

can you feel me
my arms are trying to reach for you
my feet are slipping on unstable ground
my heart is thundering in my chest but
can you feel me

do you want me
is your mind crammed with me
does your heart burst from fullness
does your body tremble
do you want me

is this love
the pain, the desperation,
the hunger, the tears,
the craving, the dread, the desire
is this love

i think not.

at times
i feel i am floating comfortably
on the waves
of insanity.

watching you being lowered
i feel i'm going to retch
my mind has accepted it
by my heart cannot

you are too spirited to be confined
to a small wooden box

you use your hands way too much
when talking
to hold them still against your sides

what about your laughter?
...it's wide mouthed and loud
who can hear it when your'e closed in?

and your eyes
who will see the playfulness in them
if they're forever shut?

what about my son?
you haven't even played catch with him yet

and me...
who's going to love me as much as you did
if you leave me forever?

as the water washes over me
i see the remains of days
trickle down the drain

friday
   saturday
        sunday

still, i stay hopeful of the day
that will be too viscous
to fade away.

i think of you
you're not around
i forget about you
you're there
the more i want
the less you give
the less i give
the more you want
i'm desperate
you're not
i'm satisfied
you're desperate
up
down
up
down

i'm tired

i give up

you win

but it seems

we've both lost.

time takes it's toll
and changes become
evident
i wish to blur
my reflection
but my eyes won't
deceive
and the acceptance
that hovers 'round my soul
doesn't come
easy.

removing my head
i toss it back and forth
from hand to hand
spinning it easily
   on one finger
doing a loop de loop
   under one leg
   through the other
settling on dribbling it
along the floor
before tossing it to you
which you catch and drop kick
into the nearest wastebasket.

once again
you win.

we are born wanting
   needing
expecting
                something
   anything
that will fill the emptiness
the emptiness of hunger
  of comfort
security
we immerse ourselves
in the warmth
of our mother's arms
we are cradled
and soothed
until we feel secure enough
to drift
               knowing
that when we awake
those same, soft arms
will be there to hold us
assure us
that we are loved
taken care of
protected

and then life pushes us away
away from the protection
and security
of all that we have known
since birth

and we are left stranded

alone

and longing for the comfort
of those strong arms
that soft voice of reassurance
that we have come to crave

but

we must be strong
we must embrace our independence
we must take all that we've been taught

and let go...

freeing ourselves

and at the same time
allowing ourselves
to offer protection
   and love
to what that has yet
to come.

i close my eyes
to soft gusts of wind
washing over me
like the sweet breath
of a lover
holding me in it's grasp
and suspending me
in a space
unaware of time

i am numb
except for the feeling
of peace
offered to me
by the unadulterated whisper
of a warm
spring
breeze.

it's been so long
i don't remember
a
   you
i revolve around
   me
i wake knowing
   me
i fall asleep thinking
   me
i answer invites,
make plans,
answer calls
with
   me
i miss
   us
      we
         our
but i only have time for
   me
      you
you've left me
so long ago
   you
have become
   me
only
   me.

skipping through life
following the
ordinary
riding the waves
of normal
cashing in
on what's
expected
a life filled
him
      her
the added
              2.5
BA
BS
MD
   SUV
RSVP
        FYI
ASAP
AAA
AM/PM
ETC...
         DOA
A-list
who cares!!!
we are flesh
meat
bones
grey matter
that twists
turns
vibrates
to the emotions
that we feed
nurture
shape
mold
and           encourage

live it
love it

BE

beautiful verses
that flow easily from her fingertips
leave me in awe
of the fact
that simple words
can have such a deep impact
on my mind.

one day
i'll be still
and accepting
of everything that's wrong
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll watch the chaos
and hurt
outside my window
and give a chuckle
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll gratefully accept my fate
with open arms
because
it never really mattered
anyway.

i'm pushing and pushing
hoping that eventually
you, and all like you
will take the plunge
and leave me be.

scrambling for attention
   the masses are
crowded streets
highways
horns blaring
curses spewed
anxious people
hurried towards nowhere
going through the daily
motions
then sitting idle
   come evening
pondering the day
trying in vain
to figure out the way
towards happiness
                        contentment
              peace
and failing miserably
   each
      and
         every
time.

i'm easily bored
and dread monotony
the constant changing of things
                                   people
is necessary
    to keep me amused
     entertained
      enlightened
       stimulated
my senses need to appreciate
new things
  sights
  smells
  sounds
           touch

something for you to consider

for i don't want to corral you
with the mundane
                   and boring

i'd be forced to dismiss you
with a wave of my hand
while imagining a poem
of yet another
fallacious love.

you're a cute face
with a ****

categorized insanity
a relished ailment
   sought after
     acted for
       cases pled
sad eyes begging

ME
that's ME
please
please
  doctor

I

AM

ILL

         MENTALLY

it's socially acceptable
   admired
heads nod in understanding

give me that
write it in my chart
scroll out the 'script

i want to dance in the streets
run naked through the park
bark at strangers
drool on myself
**** myself
**** on pavement

and all will be accepted

because

i am labeled

mentally incoherent
   unstable
socially incompetent

and therefore

totally embraced

because of

my

insanity.

tossed towards what's right
but being pulled towards
what's wrong
shaking my head
to try and sort out
the correct answer to give
being glared at
with accusing eyes
but knowing in my heart
i did the right thing
i acted the right way
i've spoken all the right words
but those eyes
boring through me
coaxing
bringing forth
the answer they want to hear
but i hold my ground
i stand solid
and those ears have to accept
the idiotic truth
that is spoken
to them.

they stood under a cloudy sky
staring
             eye to eye
a trickle rolled down her cheek
uncertain if it were a tear
  or raindrop

he kissed it, not caring

she looked up at him
       as it began to pour.

i get sick of the pathetic outpouring of
undying love
the pitiful begging
to someone
who doesn't give a ****
how can rejection
reduce a once self-possessed
                    someone
into
a spineless, slithering, mindless
                     coward
whose obvious outcome
is of being smeared
on the pavement of love.

letting go
i see you drift away from me
getting smaller
and smaller
until you are nothing more
than a tiny speck
on the horizon
of my heart.

today is cold
dreary
wintery
which makes sense
considering tomorrow
is the first day of winter
and i must say
   welcome
   come on in
   let's play
'cuz the sooner i can welcome you
the sooner i can say goodbye

*no offense, of course

it doesn't take much
to hurt me
but it takes a long time
for me to show it.

my heart hurts
not for a lost love
nor for unfulfilled passion
but for loss
i've lost something
i didn't know i needed
until i realized it was
gone
the seeds i've sown
have evolved into something
i
  do
    not
      want
but the thought
of exhuming
what i had grown
leaves me burdened
with a heavy sadness
and leaves me desperate
for signs of
i can understand.

waves of nausea rip through me
when realizing the inevitable
fighting back the tears
that aren't of sadness
   but of desperation
and buckling under the weakness
of giving up
   deflated
i try clearing my head
to consider what went wrong
then slowly turn back to start over

i'll climb this mountain if it kills me.

skip a rock
across the water
and hope for more than three
                                skips
but where does the last skip
   put the rock

spiraling towards the bottom
   of the lake
making snuffing the life
of an unsuspecting fish.