a twisted, demented, psyche
tangled with obscene thoughts
producing a wild eyed look
that scares the unfortunate
                            who don't understand

uncontrollable twitches
wracking an untamed body
trying in vain
to suppress the brain
                spitting at a stranger instead

foul language
     unimaginable strength
       hurting without meaning to
                                                    embarrassi­ng the ignorant
being shunned
   ridiculed
     abolished

to live a life
of abandonment
and loneliness
all because of a warped
mind.

looking at you now
i wonder where you've gone
i can't reach you
because you're not there
   not really
and i miss you.
i miss watching your eyes light up
when seeing me at the end of the day
i miss you calling for me
i miss your hugs
   just because
and your kisses on my cheek
i miss wiping your tears
and cheering you on
i miss tucking you in bed at night
and waking you early for a day full of adventure
i miss looking over at the passenger seat in my car
and seeing you there
i miss talking about things that weren't important to anyone
but us
i miss sitting together watching tv
not saying a word
but both of us feeling safe and comfortable
i miss you being there when i needed you
even though you had no idea that i did
i miss the little boy you were
more so because you won't let me know
the man you have become.

today is cold
dreary
wintery
which makes sense
considering tomorrow
is the first day of winter
and i must say
   welcome
   come on in
   let's play
'cuz the sooner i can welcome you
the sooner i can say goodbye

*no offense, of course

they stood under a cloudy sky
staring
             eye to eye
a trickle rolled down her cheek
uncertain if it were a tear
  or raindrop

he kissed it, not caring

she looked up at him
       as it began to pour.

i dreamt of blood
   and pain
and horrified eyes
suffering
   and loss
and an undeniable desire
to set free

but i was helpless
   in this dream
to save the hurt
to ease the pain
to comfort
a terrified soul

i awoke
with wet eyes
and the gripping fear
of falling asleep
again.

as the water washes over me
i see the remains of days
trickle down the drain

friday
   saturday
        sunday

still, i stay hopeful of the day
that will be too viscous
to fade away.

my eyes borrow time from my brain
so they could stay open just a bit longer
to see the things
my hands have to create
on screen
which staring at makes my eyes weaker
forcing them to call on the brain
for help
...once again

if only this cycle would stop
with sleep.

i get sick of the pathetic outpouring of
undying love
the pitiful begging
to someone
who doesn't give a ****
how can rejection
reduce a once self-possessed
                    someone
into
a spineless, slithering, mindless
                     coward
whose obvious outcome
is of being smeared
on the pavement of love.

the mentally unstable
live contented lives
     while trapped in their own minds

medicate them
fill them with therapy

and you're left with another clone
to ruin society.

broken hearts
don't mean much to me
   now

i won't weep with you
when you've been tossed
nor will i offer
words of comfort
or a tissue
to wipe your snotty nose
after endless days of crying

   but

i will encourage you to look at me
   probe
     feel and
       pinch me, if you must
for i am living proof
that one can survive a broken heart
even a heart that's been
                   stomped on
        chewed up
drained
           and spit out
laughed at
          humiliated
                    used
and eventually
ignored

and that should give you the comfort
you need

'cuz something broken
   can definitely be fixed.

tossed towards what's right
but being pulled towards
what's wrong
shaking my head
to try and sort out
the correct answer to give
being glared at
with accusing eyes
but knowing in my heart
i did the right thing
i acted the right way
i've spoken all the right words
but those eyes
boring through me
coaxing
bringing forth
the answer they want to hear
but i hold my ground
i stand solid
and those ears have to accept
the idiotic truth
that is spoken
to them.

as of late
my time of contentment
is becoming less and less
i am filled with a grey unease
and bewilderment
that confuses me
my voice of reason
my thoughts of solidness
are there
but unreachable
i need to become grounded
but the strength i have felt in the past
is becoming weakened daily

oh so sad this day became
when realizing
i am losing control.

floating with the breeze
letting it take me
...wherever
skimming, sliding, bending, twisting
laughing
enjoying it all
guzzling mouthfuls of air
synchronizing my breath
with the movements of my body
freeing myself from all restraints
feeling harmonized with the universe
letting myself go
to embrace all that is good

today is a good day.

beautiful verses
that flow easily from her fingertips
leave me in awe
of the fact
that simple words
can have such a deep impact
on my mind.

i have the urge
to walk into a bar
grab a barstool
order a beer
and join in some good o'l boy conversation...

does that make me less of a woman?

the hopeful shuffling
of the unfortunate
poses the question

why?

it's been so long
i don't remember
a
   you
i revolve around
   me
i wake knowing
   me
i fall asleep thinking
   me
i answer invites,
make plans,
answer calls
with
   me
i miss
   us
      we
         our
but i only have time for
   me
      you
you've left me
so long ago
   you
have become
   me
only
   me.

happiness comes
   in fleeting moments
     that fly by too fast
and too soon

i'm never prepared
for a happy moment.

desperation
breeds
nothing

aloofness
breaks
hearts.

skip a rock
across the water
and hope for more than three
                                skips
but where does the last skip
   put the rock

spiraling towards the bottom
   of the lake
making snuffing the life
of an unsuspecting fish.

can you hear me
i am crying out to you but
can you hear me
i am desperate
i need you but
can you hear me

can you feel me
my arms are trying to reach for you
my feet are slipping on unstable ground
my heart is thundering in my chest but
can you feel me

do you want me
is your mind crammed with me
does your heart burst from fullness
does your body tremble
do you want me

is this love
the pain, the desperation,
the hunger, the tears,
the craving, the dread, the desire
is this love

i think not.

grazing through words
i am distracted
after the first sentence
i am not thrilled
i am not awakened
i am bored
with the trivialities
of the normally written
verse.


a broken heart
a good poem
does not make.

the wind blows
   copper colored leaves
flip and turn
   along the straw colored grass
the smell of wood burning
   circles the air
bringing melancholy thoughts
   of younger years
gripping my head
   forcing me to think
of days past

autumn is close.

i'm thinking of a
him
   a he
   mister
   dude
no reason for
just because
i've been missing
   a him
   he
   mister
   dude
for too long

the wind blows grey clouds
past my window
blocking my view
                     of you
by the time they disperse
all that's left
are footprints in the mud
and a wisp of smoke
from where you were standing

my eyes told me you were real
but my mind questions this

but all i have as proof
is a muddy footprint
                  and smoke up my ***.

such a shame.

i close my eyes
to soft gusts of wind
washing over me
like the sweet breath
of a lover
holding me in it's grasp
and suspending me
in a space
unaware of time

i am numb
except for the feeling
of peace
offered to me
by the unadulterated whisper
of a warm
spring
breeze.

he cries out
in pain or ecstacy
only he knows
bewildered he looks up
red eyed and sweating
a glance at him sees
dirt crusted, torn clothes
tangled, black hair streaked with grey
open sores
old snot crusts his nose
slowly he pushes himself up
trying to steady himself against a brick wall
when he stands his pants fall slightly
he neither notices or attempts to lift them
people scurry past him
some give disgusted glances
others pretend to not see
he shakily extends a ***** hand
weakly he whispers
'help please'
he's no one's husband
no one's father
no one's son
he is alone
everyday
hoping someone
anyone
will notice him

you're a cute face
with a ****

push me into the night
and protect me with darkness
where my dreams can come alive
and bring me to worlds
beyond my imagination

encircle me in fantastic wishes
and fulfilling moments
filled with peace & gratitude
embraced by those who love me.

light and loathing
statically intertwined
within a mind
exploding with insanity.

waves of nausea rip through me
when realizing the inevitable
fighting back the tears
that aren't of sadness
   but of desperation
and buckling under the weakness
of giving up
   deflated
i try clearing my head
to consider what went wrong
then slowly turn back to start over

i'll climb this mountain if it kills me.

i pass the time
thinking of him
hoping my words
have stuck
hoping the desperation
i'd sometimes shown
wasn't frowned upon
   but accepted
and realized as truthful
for i only want happiness
   peace of mind
     contentment
for him

giving to my child
something i couldn't reach myself
i can live with.

my heart hurts
not for a lost love
nor for unfulfilled passion
but for loss
i've lost something
i didn't know i needed
until i realized it was
gone
the seeds i've sown
have evolved into something
i
  do
    not
      want
but the thought
of exhuming
what i had grown
leaves me burdened
with a heavy sadness
and leaves me desperate
for signs of
i can understand.

feeling your breath
upon my neck
i urge my eyes to close
as i picture the you
i've imagined
in my dreams

as your breathing grows more intense
i'm lost in a fantasy
of pretend love;
picturing daisies
and blue skies
gentle rains
and swaying trees

and later, as you lie close to me
softly snoring
i imagine that happiness
fills my weary heart.

it doesn't take much
to hurt me
but it takes a long time
for me to show it.

the viscosity of my life
   offers me slim hope
     of treading through.

sadness is the friend you gave up long ago
who continues to torture you
with uninvited knocks
on your door.

words melt off the page
from tears
dripping from his eyes
he's trying so, so hard
to express himself
but his grief erases
all his heart has spoken
     she's gone
and the exclamations of longing
that his soul is so desperate to project
are doused by the sorrow he feels
for a love that will not be
   returned.

i walk with you
feeling protected
by your arm
          casually draped
across my shoulders
i don't know
if we've walked blocks
       or miles
because when i'm in
the comfort of you
             time doesn't matter.

i crave
a strong chest
to lay my head upon
comforting arms
wrapped around me
eyes that meet mine
with glassy certainty
a home against a body
that fits snuggly into mine
no assumptions
no questions
no sleepless nights
just something
that's us.

you brought her down
with a word
     and a stare
and with that
you twisted her tortured heart
into black silence
destroying any chance she ever had
of feeling loved

a succession in pain
administered by a coward.

letting go
i see you drift away from me
getting smaller
and smaller
until you are nothing more
than a tiny speck
on the horizon
of my heart.

(M)iserable
(O)rnery
(M)isfit

the misted lake
seems to flow forever
and i sit with wine
and scrambled thoughts
offering them up
to ride the waves
of uncertainty
hoping to touch another
with similar concerns
to be tossed back
to me.

today, i'm within myself
looking out
and wondering
where exactly is that hand
that reaches out for me?

or have i slapped it away
so many times
they've finally given up?

i will give you
nothing less
than me
if you'll accept
nothing less
than myself.

if i could give you
everything i'd wished
were given to me
i can rest
easy.

time spent
wasted
forgotten thoughts
enter the inebriation
and float in obscurity
not to be remembered

not wanting to be remembered

smooth liquid
flows over any consciousness
and leaves a lovely feeling
of numb

feeling alone
in a world
filled with greens
and blues
distant seas
beckon me
the wind tossed
branches of trees
whisper gently to me
i yearn
for the comforting arms
of a positive world
but my heart cries
in vain
any response
is silenced
and the suffocating aloneness
proves inescapable
as the days
drip by.

"you must know", he cried
"you must tell me the truth!"
his eyes begged, hers showed nonchalance
she slowly picked at a nail
his fists clenched tighter and tighter as the moments passed
tick tock tick tock
"what must i do?", he begged.
she looked up, only slightly, and smirked
went back to her nail, shrugged
fists opening, closing, opening, closing
tick tock, tick tock
"please" he tried
she lifted her head slightly, a lock of hair hung over an eye, she slowly wetted her lips with her tongue
and then she smiled.
a victorious smile.
"please", he said quietly as his eyes followed her receding footsteps
tick tock, tick tock
slowly he unclenched his fists, his hands shook slightly
"but, i love you"
tick tock, tick tock