i am consumed
with anger
   resentment
a disturbing need
for revenge
my body cries out
  for hurt
   cast upon
    another
and it makes me
uncomfortable
a personal insult
or something taken
as which
cannot be forgotten
cannot be ignored
cannot be cast aside
as something that
                                        is
i envy the person that can
and i laugh at the person that will
brush the intended dig
to the side
           ignored
      shrugged at

but me

i will get even
i will accomplish
peace of mind
by dishing out
what i was given

it's only right...right?
'cuz we all've heard
karma...

it's a *****.

the hopeful shuffling
of the unfortunate
poses the question

why?

sadness is the friend you gave up long ago
who continues to torture you
with uninvited knocks
on your door.

skimming a rock
across the waters
fills me with
melancholy thoughts
and youthful memories
of happier days

unhindered laughter
innocent crushes
bare feet
swimsuits
wet hair
freckled faces
long walks
   longer talks
innocent kisses
opened dreams

oh, to soak my mind
with adolescence
to free my barbed thinking
   and instead
fill my head with innocence
once again

inexperience breeds
an unbridled
exploration.

treachery
of the human heart
has no
bounds
its grip
   vicelike
     suffocating
causing injury
past the last
breath
of surrender

expendable desire
ignites
the flames
of desperation
glorifying
in the agony
of the intended

your want
   it's need
begging
scratching
devouring
until that one
last
morsel
of
hope

is found

and the soothing grip
of factitious
affection
lulls you

once again

into imagined
harmony
and hooked on a
blissful
state
of forged
devotion.

i've pushed you over
the edge of reason
and while desperately hanging on
you look up at me
and smile.

his words strike me
with the bitterness of a winter wind
leaving me still
   and shivering
agonizing for the cloak
of strength
that will protect me
and cover me in warmth.

i want to grab your face
and hold it
so you look closely,
and uncomfortably
into my eyes

can you please tell me

why you think
and take every chance
to vocalize
i am less than what i actually am?

desperation
breeds
nothing

aloofness
breaks
hearts.

sometimes
i just want to shake you free
let you fall to the ground
sweep you up
and toss you in the trash
wiping my hands saying
"his time was up,
he's used,
broken,
beyond repair"
then turn and walk away

but i can't

and it's hard

it feels like you're beating my heart
with your fists
until it becomes so battered
with bruises and pain
i can hardly breath
the pressure becomes unbearable
the hurt intolerable
agonizing

my only release is to weep
weep for the boy you once were
weep for the boy i know still exists
weep for the boy i love so, so unconditionally
and weep because i feel i have failed you
somehow
at some point

and i can't forgive myself for that
not now

so please, please
prove me wrong
and don't give up on yourself, my love

because if you do
i don't think i can live with that

as the water washes over me
i see the remains of days
trickle down the drain

friday
   saturday
        sunday

still, i stay hopeful of the day
that will be too viscous
to fade away.

sitting
contemplating
considering
what is
that what
that's in front of me
just doesn't jive
i want more
i deserve more
i've been promised
more
by me
as the years pass
i see my dreams
slipping away
following the unending
current of time
glancing back
with a wink
and a dejected nod
suggesting
time's up
how long
can a clouded soul
   a disappointed heart
continue to thrive
when all that's placed
in front of it
is more sorrow?

...i feel the solidness
of the day
holding me steady...

...until a strong wind
of memories
knocks me off
my feet.

beautiful verses
that flow easily from her fingertips
leave me in awe
of the fact
that simple words
can have such a deep impact
on my mind.

i dreamt of blood
   and pain
and horrified eyes
suffering
   and loss
and an undeniable desire
to set free

but i was helpless
   in this dream
to save the hurt
to ease the pain
to comfort
a terrified soul

i awoke
with wet eyes
and the gripping fear
of falling asleep
again.

removing my head
i toss it back and forth
from hand to hand
spinning it easily
   on one finger
doing a loop de loop
   under one leg
   through the other
settling on dribbling it
along the floor
before tossing it to you
which you catch and drop kick
into the nearest wastebasket.

once again
you win.

time takes it's toll
and changes become
evident
i wish to blur
my reflection
but my eyes won't
deceive
and the acceptance
that hovers 'round my soul
doesn't come
easy.

i think of you
you're not around
i forget about you
you're there
the more i want
the less you give
the less i give
the more you want
i'm desperate
you're not
i'm satisfied
you're desperate
up
down
up
down

i'm tired

i give up

you win

but it seems

we've both lost.

clandestine arrangement
                            planned
               prepped
  cleansed
                          scoured
             scrubbed
shaved
                       powdered
fragranced
practiced
                     and pretended

to end up




home alone.

there's you
there's me
and there's us
at this time
i'll stick with the me
without the you
giving me no reason
for us

one day
i'll be still
and accepting
of everything that's wrong
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll watch the chaos
and hurt
outside my window
and give a chuckle
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll gratefully accept my fate
with open arms
because
it never really mattered
anyway.

can you hear me
i am crying out to you but
can you hear me
i am desperate
i need you but
can you hear me

can you feel me
my arms are trying to reach for you
my feet are slipping on unstable ground
my heart is thundering in my chest but
can you feel me

do you want me
is your mind crammed with me
does your heart burst from fullness
does your body tremble
do you want me

is this love
the pain, the desperation,
the hunger, the tears,
the craving, the dread, the desire
is this love

i think not.

scrambling for attention
   the masses are
crowded streets
highways
horns blaring
curses spewed
anxious people
hurried towards nowhere
going through the daily
motions
then sitting idle
   come evening
pondering the day
trying in vain
to figure out the way
towards happiness
                        contentment
              peace
and failing miserably
   each
      and
         every
time.

watching you being lowered
i feel i'm going to retch
my mind has accepted it
by my heart cannot

you are too spirited to be confined
to a small wooden box

you use your hands way too much
when talking
to hold them still against your sides

what about your laughter?
...it's wide mouthed and loud
who can hear it when your'e closed in?

and your eyes
who will see the playfulness in them
if they're forever shut?

what about my son?
you haven't even played catch with him yet

and me...
who's going to love me as much as you did
if you leave me forever?

i watch people
through windows
moving drapes
to get a glimpse
i hear people
the muddled laughter
the bark of a dog
the screams of children
at play
and i sit
and wait
and wonder
who's happy
who's desolate
content
satisfied
or who is like me
watching
listening
waiting
agonizing
in the thought
of yet another
day.

i close my eyes
to soft gusts of wind
washing over me
like the sweet breath
of a lover
holding me in it's grasp
and suspending me
in a space
unaware of time

i am numb
except for the feeling
of peace
offered to me
by the unadulterated whisper
of a warm
spring
breeze.

i'm pushing and pushing
hoping that eventually
you, and all like you
will take the plunge
and leave me be.

at times
i feel i am floating comfortably
on the waves
of insanity.

they stood under a cloudy sky
staring
             eye to eye
a trickle rolled down her cheek
uncertain if it were a tear
  or raindrop

he kissed it, not caring

she looked up at him
       as it began to pour.

tossed towards what's right
but being pulled towards
what's wrong
shaking my head
to try and sort out
the correct answer to give
being glared at
with accusing eyes
but knowing in my heart
i did the right thing
i acted the right way
i've spoken all the right words
but those eyes
boring through me
coaxing
bringing forth
the answer they want to hear
but i hold my ground
i stand solid
and those ears have to accept
the idiotic truth
that is spoken
to them.

you're a cute face
with a ****

i'm known
only to me
i've faked
introduced
established
convinced
and allowed
a false persona
to shine
those who know me
don't
those who wish to
won't
i've struggled
to accept
the inevitable
that the me
i depict
contradicts
the me
i ache for.

it's been so long
i don't remember
a
   you
i revolve around
   me
i wake knowing
   me
i fall asleep thinking
   me
i answer invites,
make plans,
answer calls
with
   me
i miss
   us
      we
         our
but i only have time for
   me
      you
you've left me
so long ago
   you
have become
   me
only
   me.

i'm easily bored
and dread monotony
the constant changing of things
                                   people
is necessary
    to keep me amused
     entertained
      enlightened
       stimulated
my senses need to appreciate
new things
  sights
  smells
  sounds
           touch

something for you to consider

for i don't want to corral you
with the mundane
                   and boring

i'd be forced to dismiss you
with a wave of my hand
while imagining a poem
of yet another
fallacious love.

letting go
i see you drift away from me
getting smaller
and smaller
until you are nothing more
than a tiny speck
on the horizon
of my heart.

do you see
what i am projecting?

look at me!

closer

                        closer

            closer...still

who am i
              to you?

this silliness
i am trying to prove
has got to come to an end

what you see
is what you get
                                      literally

i won't falsify
i will not pretend
i will not provoke a porous
        habitable
      accommodating
                     agreeable
      acceptable

me

THIS is me
this is who i am

take it


or


leave it.

(i really don't give a ****).

waves of nausea rip through me
when realizing the inevitable
fighting back the tears
that aren't of sadness
   but of desperation
and buckling under the weakness
of giving up
   deflated
i try clearing my head
to consider what went wrong
then slowly turn back to start over

i'll climb this mountain if it kills me.

we are born wanting
   needing
expecting
                something
   anything
that will fill the emptiness
the emptiness of hunger
  of comfort
security
we immerse ourselves
in the warmth
of our mother's arms
we are cradled
and soothed
until we feel secure enough
to drift
               knowing
that when we awake
those same, soft arms
will be there to hold us
assure us
that we are loved
taken care of
protected

and then life pushes us away
away from the protection
and security
of all that we have known
since birth

and we are left stranded

alone

and longing for the comfort
of those strong arms
that soft voice of reassurance
that we have come to crave

but

we must be strong
we must embrace our independence
we must take all that we've been taught

and let go...

freeing ourselves

and at the same time
allowing ourselves
to offer protection
   and love
to what that has yet
to come.

a friendship ends
when you're no longer cool
but an embarrassment...

it doesn't take much
to hurt me
but it takes a long time
for me to show it.

my eyes borrow time from my brain
so they could stay open just a bit longer
to see the things
my hands have to create
on screen
which staring at makes my eyes weaker
forcing them to call on the brain
for help
...once again

if only this cycle would stop
with sleep.

my head is filled
with waves of memories
from simpler times
the happiness
i remember
fills me
with a melancholic
longing

it was me
i've lost

and the image
i see in the mirror
is a stranger

what have i become?
when did it all slip away?
and more importantly...

how can i get it back?

skip a rock
across the water
and hope for more than three
                                skips
but where does the last skip
   put the rock

spiraling towards the bottom
   of the lake
making snuffing the life
of an unsuspecting fish.

i have the urge
to walk into a bar
grab a barstool
order a beer
and join in some good o'l boy conversation...

does that make me less of a woman?

you struggle too much
for me to accept
that you are happy.

i crave
a strong chest
to lay my head upon
comforting arms
wrapped around me
eyes that meet mine
with glassy certainty
a home against a body
that fits snuggly into mine
no assumptions
no questions
no sleepless nights
just something
that's us.

happiness comes
   in fleeting moments
     that fly by too fast
and too soon

i'm never prepared
for a happy moment.

you brought her down
with a word
     and a stare
and with that
you twisted her tortured heart
into black silence
destroying any chance she ever had
of feeling loved

a succession in pain
administered by a coward.

today is cold
dreary
wintery
which makes sense
considering tomorrow
is the first day of winter
and i must say
   welcome
   come on in
   let's play
'cuz the sooner i can welcome you
the sooner i can say goodbye

*no offense, of course

i pass the time
thinking of him
hoping my words
have stuck
hoping the desperation
i'd sometimes shown
wasn't frowned upon
   but accepted
and realized as truthful
for i only want happiness
   peace of mind
     contentment
for him

giving to my child
something i couldn't reach myself
i can live with.