i'm done sacrificing something
just to get a phone call
late saturday night
for a date

no 6 foot anything
  is worth that
no filled out levis
  can get take me there again

stash the smile
stick the compliments
don't rub my back
stop smelling my hair
i've been there
        done that

so...

now then
shall we do this thing
on my terms?

or not?

her body swayed to the music
a melancholic song poured from her lips
i couldn't take my eyes off of her
no one could
we were hypnotized by her
her moves pulled us in
her voice embraced us
bonding us together
a wave of bodies
floating
twisting
turning
swirling
up and down and
down and up
over each other
fluid
to spill out and cover the floor
exhausted
spent
...
alone she stood on the stage
looking out at us
amused by what she saw
unaware until then
of the power she possessed
she raised her arms
and bowed graciously
until someone bellowed
ENCORE...

...in my mind,
blending dreams & hopes
  wishes & desires
   longings & need
gathering speed & intensity
like a snowball rolling down a mountainside
before being blown away
by the potency
of feelings

that leaves me utterly exhausted...

wind and rain beat
against mostly black cloth and exposed faces
occasionally a sniffle or quiet sob
could be heard
trees have been stripped of leaves
and mud replaces grass
in patches where sodden feet have dragged
if the day had been sunny
the mood would've been the same
a stillness seemed to surround the box
a sort of peace
but most couldn't see that
or feel it
they were too caught up in their own anguish
to understand the serenity of it all
he has finally gone home
he no longer feels pain
he no longer hopes for release
by freely going when he was called
he has liberated them
from their own pain
because of their love for him.

your fists beat on the door
hollering for me to answer
i sit cowering in the corner
   rocking
     waiting
for you to leave
when will your torture end?
when will you leave me be?
why can't the happiness i've found
in being without you
become the happiness you accept
in being without me?

such a sad, lost girl
holding tightly
onto what she feels
                     to be love.

      giving
                       giving
     giving

then silently waiting
                to take
but nothing is offered to her

so she's left
looking into an empty glass
that once held tears
     sprung forth
from a much damaged soul
                 and an even deeper
damaged heart.

so lost
        so fearful

     not realizing that what she seeks
is buried deep within
                               herself.

there's a sadness in a lonely child
a sadness that toys,
clothes,
or tv
can't bandage
no pill can ease
no therapy can erase
or help come to terms with
only love -
will satisfy the isolated
only love -
will bring a smile
and offer hope
love will provide encouragement
happiness
and create room for growth
love will offer a lifelong hug
and a gentle push
that will always guide them home.

the more i grab for
the more you pull away
the more help i offer
the more disgusted you look
you are breaking my heart
and at the same time
    getting off
           evil
    twisted
or just plain mean
whatever it is you've got
don't give it to me
this is the perfect time
for a thorough hand washing
****
i'm gonna shuck you to the ground
give you a final spit
and walk away

do what you want
without me.

i've been climbing
this same mountain
since
my day one
the stones
that hurt my knees
are stones
i've placed
the steepness
of the journey
are the degrees
i've set
the accuracy
couldn't be more true
and the stumbling
i've encountered
has been provoked
by me.

you, son, live a lie
live with a lie
ignoring the obvious
building a wall
from crumbling stone
and elmer's glue
only begs for the enemy
to knock it down.

i feel you with me
especially when i'm blue
i remember
the simple words you offered
that told me you cared
i know it was difficult
for you, sometimes
showing compassion
   encouragement
     love
but i never doubted it
and i always, always felt it
my hurt was your hurt
my desperation was your desperation
my happiness blazed in your eyes
i will never be loved like that again
i will never feel as secure as i did with you
i miss you, dad
i miss your solidness
your quiet
the comfort i got
when you reached for my son

yes, the good die young
   and you...
you were one of the best.

i thought i was reflecting on the past
when what i was actually doing
actually am doing
is dwelling on it

i'm too caught up with how i wanted things to be
compared to how it actually was...
...is

after all this time
i still wish things were different
aw, hell, i wish you were different
   me
     us

but they're not

accepting the unacceptable is very difficult

if only you had tried harder
   if only you would try now
if only i tried harder
   if only i would try now

but that's not going to happen

and it makes me sad
because i realize this is all i get
not that i'm owed anything
but at the very least
you could've shown support
   or compassion
     sympathy
        praise
     encouragement
  love

i've never felt it

i always felt ashamed of who i was
    who i am now
but only around you

so....
it's better i'm not around you
i'll try and take the past and leave it there

because not having you in my life
   gives me peace
not having you in my life
  allows me to be myself

without being shamed by doing so.

the words drop kicked my brain
and startled it
into writing again.

the lesser me
is always present
my positive proclamations
will be overshadowed
by a nagging feeling of
not good enough
not pretty enough
not skinny enough
not smart enough

no...
scratch that
i'm always smart enough
     pfft
actually
i'm smarter than...most

so...

we're back too
pretty
         skinny...

such shallowness

that's me?
is that really how i feel?
                                    me?

this overly wordy
exceedingly articulate
totally capricious
me?

imma gonna step back a bit
lemme reevaluate
reassess
and gauge
this
'lesser than me" ****

i AM all that
i AM smarter than most
i AM ******' writin' my poems for the whole ******* world to see!

so...

take that
my weak,
cowardly
'inner' self

you, uh, me, uh i...
need to ball up
and show the world

that i am
ALL THAT

and then some...

i don't have the convenience
of acceptance
too many questions
fill my head
dissection of a common assumption
is a necessity
and in the end
i am more confused
then ever.

there's a sadness in a poet
   at least in this poet there is
a deepness that squeezes my soul
something i carry around with me
     always
even through the happiest of times

i need it, that gloominess
i don't think i could survive without it
it pushes me
   this sadness
it stimulates my innards
   my feeling melancholic
leaves me suffocating at times
   and bewildered...

...but feeling doleful
gives my words life
and if i weren't able to give life to my words...
...well, the opposite of that
isn't too appealing

you have a beauty
that i cannot grasp
me, with you,
isn't possible

uncomfortableness
fills me

when i imagine your arms
around me
and even though my body
craves your touch
my mind
isn't ready for it.

looking around me
    inside & out
i notice holes
in almost everything

day or night
sunshine & rain
pieces are missing
fulfillment hasn't been reached
       voided feelings
          unfulfilled desires
empty hearts
     and heads
people holding onto to anything
   just to hold onto something

    settling for less
expecting nothing more
riding the wave of discontent
and going with the flow

having it all end
by being just another
         unnoticeable whisper

with never having made
                      a difference.

i dreamt of you the other night
and woke up in tears
   i felt you
and the void in my heart
grew bigger
i saw the sadness in your eyes
the questioning of why i'd left you
   i felt it
and it tore me in two
and i haven't been the same since
i can't get you out of my mind
my head is filled with the sorrow
of not having you any longer
i want a replacement
   but i don't
i want you
back with me

if i could only turn back time
i'd stop my final closing of the latch
   on my suitcase
i'd make the call that said
   i can't make it this time
and i'd stay home with you
   be with you
   hold you
and cry when you finally left me
but feeling comfort in knowing
that i was there for you
   at the end
and that you were not alone
without the one that loved you most
without the one that you loved most

but i can't do that

so i suffer as penance
   i deserve this pain
   i'd let you down
   i wasn't there when you needed me most
and for that
     i am forever sorry.

standing alone
in the deep valley
i am carpeted by the dust
   of bygone days

memories float past me
   dissipating before my eyes
as my hands grasp vainly
   desperately trying to hold on
to just one small granule
   of an almost forgotten
past.

a storm grips my soul
   clouding hope
     encircling it with darkness
     & torrents of sadness
pulling me deeper & deeper
   suffocating me with despair
and holding me down
   with fingers of pain.

toppled thoughts
of tumultuous
times
tread tenderly
teasingly
underfoot.

where is that person
that can offer me
calmness
caressing my mind
to ease
allowing me comfort
and deep
              deep
                     sleep
unburdened by dreams
and then awakening
with a cleansed jolt
of happiness...

...where is that person?

what beauty in this world
what magic that surrounds us
too many times such simpleness is ignored
like the veins in a leaf
or bubbles on the wave.
the chirp of a bird
and the rustle of the trees.
a burping frog,
the sun, blinding us with sparkling, pure light, offering
swimming fish flashing perfect rainbows.
the slither of a snake through autumn soaked forests.
dew on the morning grass.
open your eyes
embrace what surrounds you
for there is nothing simple within the simplest of things

my words
bounce off of you
like a balloon
bounces off a
child's fingertips

they don't phase you

i sometimes wonder...
do you even hear me
or do you chose to not listen

the breath i waste
could be better spent
on someone who craves
the oxygen
i give.

melancholic and dreary
smokey and dark
these are feelings
that project from my heart

it may not be roses
sunshine and daisies
but gloom is what i feel today
tomorrow it may be silly boys
and crazies

please honor my feelings
if they bring you down
don't waiver
for if you end up turning the page on me
you might be doing us both
a favor.

the rain plays a lullaby
that promises a peaceful sleep.

i see you
in the distance
waving to me
   beckoning
i imagine you calling to me
i never left...
i'm right here

and i'll run to you
and you'll lift me up
and swing me round
planting a big, wet,
sloppy kiss on me
laughing, saying
i told you, i never left
i'm right here

and i won't wake up
               because i didn't want you to leave
i always wanted you to stay
             right here.

alone
yet
not

peaceful
yet
not quite

stable
or so
it seems

jealous?

envious?
             undetermined?
as of
today...

a blended atmosphere
of love and hate
surrounds me
sometimes suffocating
sometimes freeing
my mind twirls
with feelings
of hopelessness
and want
need
and appreciation

and indifference

i wish i cared more
i wish i loved more
i wish i needed more

a cement block
can only be broken
with force

i search for that force
to break me

free.

i've pushed you over
the edge of reason
and while desperately hanging on
you look up at me
and smile.

a suffocating loneliness
greets me with the morning sun

the grip on my soul
does not lessen

trying shallow breathing
i'm desperate
to escape myself
but the intensity
does
not
ease

another day
feeling burdened
by what's inside
and the darkness
consumes all of me
once
again.

i like you
you offer me light
   which few have done

when i reach towards it
   and you
the darkness that
envelopes me
   fades

i stare in awe
at the brilliance you hold
and i smile with joy
knowing it's me
you're giving it to.

sometimes
i just want to shake you free
let you fall to the ground
sweep you up
and toss you in the trash
wiping my hands saying
"his time was up,
he's used,
broken,
beyond repair"
then turn and walk away

but i can't

and it's hard

it feels like you're beating my heart
with your fists
until it becomes so battered
with bruises and pain
i can hardly breath
the pressure becomes unbearable
the hurt intolerable
agonizing

my only release is to weep
weep for the boy you once were
weep for the boy i know still exists
weep for the boy i love so, so unconditionally
and weep because i feel i have failed you
somehow
at some point

and i can't forgive myself for that
not now

so please, please
prove me wrong
and don't give up on yourself, my love

because if you do
i don't think i can live with that

she stands startled
from the blow of feelings
that hit her
   hard

this man

this person

a simple living soul
has helped her discover
the beauty of just
being

she feels a thrill
at waking
a comfort
that cradles her
as she drifts to sleep

her days are long
but filled with an anticipation
of more

the pores
of the universe
burst in exclamations
of joy

smiling is
normal
a permanent grin
plastered to her face

the skip in her step
in not imagined

true
   everlasting
      perfect
love

has found her

and the suffocating passion
she clings to
will be her
downfall.

there's you
there's me
and there's us
at this time
i'll stick with the me
without the you
giving me no reason
for us

skip through me
and pass
don't offer me hope
with a willful glance
i won't reciprocate
i won't respond

the love i seek
is buried deep
within myself

and that is the hardest love to find.

write me a word


          ...show me your heart.

his words strike me
with the bitterness of a winter wind
leaving me still
   and shivering
agonizing for the cloak
of strength
that will protect me
and cover me in warmth.

removing my head
i toss it back and forth
from hand to hand
spinning it easily
   on one finger
doing a loop de loop
   under one leg
   through the other
settling on dribbling it
along the floor
before tossing it to you
which you catch and drop kick
into the nearest wastebasket.

once again
you win.

i want to grab your face
and hold it
so you look closely,
and uncomfortably
into my eyes

can you please tell me

why you think
and take every chance
to vocalize
i am less than what i actually am?

you swallow your
bottled up anger
and spew onto the next person
that dares approach you

friend or foe
you know not the difference

they're all the same
   to you
you're as comfortable
with each
   which isn't at all

you've been crippled
bred in abuse
rage
   and hate
you know no other way

born innocent
then molded
into knowing
                     only how to hurt.

at times
i feel i am floating comfortably
on the waves
of insanity.

i think of you
you're not around
i forget about you
you're there
the more i want
the less you give
the less i give
the more you want
i'm desperate
you're not
i'm satisfied
you're desperate
up
down
up
down

i'm tired

i give up

you win

but it seems

we've both lost.

i need new boots
these are just too worn out
   scuffed up
      the sole is cracked
   the leather beaten...
but ****
  i love these boots
we've been through a lot...
i've worked in 'em
    partied in 'em
        vacationed with 'em
      kissed
  hugged
       kicked off and
******* with 'em
      nah
i'll hold onto 'em for awhile
these babies carry way more
than my feet.

throwing myself
onto the wave of normalcy
being spit out
to ride the thunderstorm
of uniqueness...

i'm pushing and pushing
hoping that eventually
you, and all like you
will take the plunge
and leave me be.

watching you being lowered
i feel i'm going to retch
my mind has accepted it
by my heart cannot

you are too spirited to be confined
to a small wooden box

you use your hands way too much
when talking
to hold them still against your sides

what about your laughter?
...it's wide mouthed and loud
who can hear it when your'e closed in?

and your eyes
who will see the playfulness in them
if they're forever shut?

what about my son?
you haven't even played catch with him yet

and me...
who's going to love me as much as you did
if you leave me forever?

one day
i'll be still
and accepting
of everything that's wrong
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll watch the chaos
and hurt
outside my window
and give a chuckle
because
it won't matter
one day
i'll gratefully accept my fate
with open arms
because
it never really mattered
anyway.

they stood under a cloudy sky
staring
             eye to eye
a trickle rolled down her cheek
uncertain if it were a tear
  or raindrop

he kissed it, not caring

she looked up at him
       as it began to pour.