light and loathing
statically intertwined
within a mind
exploding with insanity.

write me a word


          ...show me your heart.

taking a breath
i inhale the ending of another day
thinking i've accomplished a lot
assuming i've shown love where needed
i still feel
           unfulfilled

this unsettling in me
is waring

i've grown bored with
   self medication

i've become unscathed
by the obvious reaching out
   from others

there's still too much hurt
not only my soul
but the soul of so many living beings

   too much hatred
    too much cruelty
the unending suffering
   is exhausting

i accept i am not a savior
i get i haven't the power
to rescue all
   but give me some hope
   show me some progression
                  of goodness
offer me that the majority
   are kind

do that
and the passing of days won't seem so dire

do that
and i'll gain the strength
   to continue on
facing another day
with the promise
of a better tomorrow.

those eyes
make me wish
   for younger days
when seeing eyes like yours
   looking into eyes like mine
was a sure thing.

as of late
my time of contentment
is becoming less and less
i am filled with a grey unease
and bewilderment
that confuses me
my voice of reason
my thoughts of solidness
are there
but unreachable
i need to become grounded
but the strength i have felt in the past
is becoming weakened daily

oh so sad this day became
when realizing
i am losing control.

lend me a hand, will ya
pull me up from this deep vat
of loneliness
and offer me to bask in the light
of a thousand suns
after washing me with compassion
and purifying me with love and tenderness
my needs are few/my wants easy
all i petition for is a strong arm to lift me up

there's a sadness in a poet
   at least in this poet there is
a deepness that squeezes my soul
something i carry around with me
     always
even through the happiest of times

i need it, that gloominess
i don't think i could survive without it
it pushes me
   this sadness
it stimulates my innards
   my feeling melancholic
leaves me suffocating at times
   and bewildered...

...but feeling doleful
gives my words life
and if i weren't able to give life to my words...
...well, the opposite of that
isn't too appealing

no, not this time
you will not eat me up
you will not tear me down
i am better than that
i am better than you
no, not this time

the rain plays a lullaby
that promises a peaceful sleep.

she stands startled
from the blow of feelings
that hit her
   hard

this man

this person

a simple living soul
has helped her discover
the beauty of just
being

she feels a thrill
at waking
a comfort
that cradles her
as she drifts to sleep

her days are long
but filled with an anticipation
of more

the pores
of the universe
burst in exclamations
of joy

smiling is
normal
a permanent grin
plastered to her face

the skip in her step
in not imagined

true
   everlasting
      perfect
love

has found her

and the suffocating passion
she clings to
will be her
downfall.

a light shines
and it's coming from you
what i thought of as dull
is illuminated
because of your presence
your smile
awakens me
your laughter
brings forth a smile
the conversation that pours from you
fills the room
with comfort
an easiness
flows from you
like honey from a comb
and it works
   it fits
       you fit
and my heart bursts
for you are love
you are peace
and from deep within me
you extract
happiness.

leaves crunch
   under my determined stride
flakes of autumn
   breeze past me
   making my eyes water
the crisp air
   sharpens my senses
   as i breath in a musky
   burnt smell

i gain momentum

fall pushes me forward
   edges me towards the beginnings
   of winter
where the stillness of the season
   comforts me

forced love
isn't love
giving what you got
and not getting back
throws the answer in your face
you cannot make it happen
you cannot prove them wrong
they know
just as you know
what is
and what isn't
you need to accept that
you need to move past that
let it be
calm yourself
because
where there is one
there is another.

looking at you now
i wonder where you've gone
i can't reach you
because you're not there
   not really
and i miss you.
i miss watching your eyes light up
when seeing me at the end of the day
i miss you calling for me
i miss your hugs
   just because
and your kisses on my cheek
i miss wiping your tears
and cheering you on
i miss tucking you in bed at night
and waking you early for a day full of adventure
i miss looking over at the passenger seat in my car
and seeing you there
i miss talking about things that weren't important to anyone
but us
i miss sitting together watching tv
not saying a word
but both of us feeling safe and comfortable
i miss you being there when i needed you
even though you had no idea that i did
i miss the little boy you were
more so because you won't let me know
the man you have become.

blending into the crowd
that's not me
in a field of red
   i'm the black dot
when everyone's quiet
   it's me who squeals
people are crying
   i'm clapping and laughing
   at the hilarity of the moment
i'm running
   when it says 'walk'
i'm taking something
   that says 'do not touch'
i steal things
   just because
i'm a tail rider
garbage picker
evil eyed lady
that leers at an unruly toddler
i don't kick dogs
i don't eat meat
and i love candy
i drink beer
do shots
and make fun of people
i don't care if someone dislikes me
and i only have a few close friends
i wear sweats to parties
and dresses to bowl
my friends take me
   or leave me
it's all the same to me
i love my son
and would **** anyone that hurt him
my mother's a nut
and my dad's dead
my brother's are cool
but not as cool as me
i'm a great aunt
and an even better mother
i say what i mean
and mean what i say
i'm trying to stop saying '****'
but, sadly, i'm failing
each day is a gift
and even better when i'm drunk
i plan on retiring rich
and can't remember the last time i got laid
i'm doing what i was put here to do
and if i've touched your life...consider yourself lucky

i'm susan
   i'm a poet
and an artist

and i'm in love...

the rain outside my window
grabs my attention
and lifts me
to the places
of my dreams.

the wall of strength i've built
     can be destroyed with just one look
       from you.

i thought i was reflecting on the past
when what i was actually doing
actually am doing
is dwelling on it

i'm too caught up with how i wanted things to be
compared to how it actually was...
...is

after all this time
i still wish things were different
aw, hell, i wish you were different
   me
     us

but they're not

accepting the unacceptable is very difficult

if only you had tried harder
   if only you would try now
if only i tried harder
   if only i would try now

but that's not going to happen

and it makes me sad
because i realize this is all i get
not that i'm owed anything
but at the very least
you could've shown support
   or compassion
     sympathy
        praise
     encouragement
  love

i've never felt it

i always felt ashamed of who i was
    who i am now
but only around you

so....
it's better i'm not around you
i'll try and take the past and leave it there

because not having you in my life
   gives me peace
not having you in my life
  allows me to be myself

without being shamed by doing so.

she sits alone
this woman
staring blankly at nothing
thinking thoughts
she wished would leave her
haunted by the past
possessed by actions she cannot take back
her aloneness is deserved of her
she doesn't deny that
for this is her purgatory
this is her hell
the damage she had done is unfixable
the souls she has destroyed
are not salvable
her penance is eternity
to live with hearing
cries of anguish and pain
and to see the hollow, frightened eyes
of the ones she has hurt
she will feel a constant tugging of her heart
hoping for a love that will never come.
yearning for forgiveness
that will never be offered.
yes, this is her fate
this is her road to perdition.

the pain dissipates
as soon as she turns the corner
and he sees her smile
the pumping of his heart
engulfs his soul
and turns muddy sickness
into something alive
with each of her footsteps
his heart pumps harder
   & deeper
replenishing his body
with the pure redness of life

his life support has arrived
    disguised as angel
            in combat boots.

a suffocating loneliness
greets me with the morning sun

the grip on my soul
does not lessen

trying shallow breathing
i'm desperate
to escape myself
but the intensity
does
not
ease

another day
feeling burdened
by what's inside
and the darkness
consumes all of me
once
again.

wind and rain beat
against mostly black cloth and exposed faces
occasionally a sniffle or quiet sob
could be heard
trees have been stripped of leaves
and mud replaces grass
in patches where sodden feet have dragged
if the day had been sunny
the mood would've been the same
a stillness seemed to surround the box
a sort of peace
but most couldn't see that
or feel it
they were too caught up in their own anguish
to understand the serenity of it all
he has finally gone home
he no longer feels pain
he no longer hopes for release
by freely going when he was called
he has liberated them
from their own pain
because of their love for him.

your fists beat on the door
hollering for me to answer
i sit cowering in the corner
   rocking
     waiting
for you to leave
when will your torture end?
when will you leave me be?
why can't the happiness i've found
in being without you
become the happiness you accept
in being without me?

stared at
probed
bended
stretched
erased
added to
flipped
extended
squeezed tight

that's how i feel
in the presence of a new love interest

her body swayed to the music
a melancholic song poured from her lips
i couldn't take my eyes off of her
no one could
we were hypnotized by her
her moves pulled us in
her voice embraced us
bonding us together
a wave of bodies
floating
twisting
turning
swirling
up and down and
down and up
over each other
fluid
to spill out and cover the floor
exhausted
spent
...
alone she stood on the stage
looking out at us
amused by what she saw
unaware until then
of the power she possessed
she raised her arms
and bowed graciously
until someone bellowed
ENCORE...

it gets old
this thinking
wondering
sometimes hoping
for someone
anyone
to amuse me
enlighten me
stimulate me
with words
conversation
a look
a touch
anything
loneliness gets boring
being alone has lost its charm
i am not a loner
well, not some of the time
anyway
no, some of the time
i need someone
anyone
to rouse me
excite me
love me

ok, i'm ready
come get me.

tap tap tapping
on the computer
   working
my mind wonders
   as it usually does at this time
i hear the whir of work trucks
and smell the greasy, diesel exhaust
the mumbled hum of voices
   different but familiar
paper being spit out in sheets
labeled with jumbled words
   and photos
some artwork
   if you can call it that

production
   money
from this pocket to that

the cursor is blinking at me
beckoning me to make a move
   punch a key
    or shut it down

decisions, decisions...

...my eyes tell me it's time to call it a night
   there's always tomorrow
to get this machine running
   once again.

you have a beauty
that i cannot grasp
me, with you,
isn't possible

uncomfortableness
fills me

when i imagine your arms
around me
and even though my body
craves your touch
my mind
isn't ready for it.

i dreamt of you the other night
and woke up in tears
   i felt you
and the void in my heart
grew bigger
i saw the sadness in your eyes
the questioning of why i'd left you
   i felt it
and it tore me in two
and i haven't been the same since
i can't get you out of my mind
my head is filled with the sorrow
of not having you any longer
i want a replacement
   but i don't
i want you
back with me

if i could only turn back time
i'd stop my final closing of the latch
   on my suitcase
i'd make the call that said
   i can't make it this time
and i'd stay home with you
   be with you
   hold you
and cry when you finally left me
but feeling comfort in knowing
that i was there for you
   at the end
and that you were not alone
without the one that loved you most
without the one that you loved most

but i can't do that

so i suffer as penance
   i deserve this pain
   i'd let you down
   i wasn't there when you needed me most
and for that
     i am forever sorry.

there's a sadness in a lonely child
a sadness that toys,
clothes,
or tv
can't bandage
no pill can ease
no therapy can erase
or help come to terms with
only love -
will satisfy the isolated
only love -
will bring a smile
and offer hope
love will provide encouragement
happiness
and create room for growth
love will offer a lifelong hug
and a gentle push
that will always guide them home.

the more i grab for
the more you pull away
the more help i offer
the more disgusted you look
you are breaking my heart
and at the same time
    getting off
           evil
    twisted
or just plain mean
whatever it is you've got
don't give it to me
this is the perfect time
for a thorough hand washing
****
i'm gonna shuck you to the ground
give you a final spit
and walk away

do what you want
without me.

such a sad, lost girl
holding tightly
onto what she feels
                     to be love.

      giving
                       giving
     giving

then silently waiting
                to take
but nothing is offered to her

so she's left
looking into an empty glass
that once held tears
     sprung forth
from a much damaged soul
                 and an even deeper
damaged heart.

so lost
        so fearful

     not realizing that what she seeks
is buried deep within
                               herself.

i'm thinking of a
him
   a he
   mister
   dude
no reason for
just because
i've been missing
   a him
   he
   mister
   dude
for too long

alone
yet
not

peaceful
yet
not quite

stable
or so
it seems

jealous?

envious?
             undetermined?
as of
today...

melancholic and dreary
smokey and dark
these are feelings
that project from my heart

it may not be roses
sunshine and daisies
but gloom is what i feel today
tomorrow it may be silly boys
and crazies

please honor my feelings
if they bring you down
don't waiver
for if you end up turning the page on me
you might be doing us both
a favor.

...in my mind,
blending dreams & hopes
  wishes & desires
   longings & need
gathering speed & intensity
like a snowball rolling down a mountainside
before being blown away
by the potency
of feelings

that leaves me utterly exhausted...

where is that person
that can offer me
calmness
caressing my mind
to ease
allowing me comfort
and deep
              deep
                     sleep
unburdened by dreams
and then awakening
with a cleansed jolt
of happiness...

...where is that person?

skip through me
and pass
don't offer me hope
with a willful glance
i won't reciprocate
i won't respond

the love i seek
is buried deep
within myself

and that is the hardest love to find.

(M)iserable
(O)rnery
(M)isfit

a storm grips my soul
   clouding hope
     encircling it with darkness
     & torrents of sadness
pulling me deeper & deeper
   suffocating me with despair
and holding me down
   with fingers of pain.

i'm done sacrificing something
just to get a phone call
late saturday night
for a date

no 6 foot anything
  is worth that
no filled out levis
  can get take me there again

stash the smile
stick the compliments
don't rub my back
stop smelling my hair
i've been there
        done that

so...

now then
shall we do this thing
on my terms?

or not?

what beauty in this world
what magic that surrounds us
too many times such simpleness is ignored
like the veins in a leaf
or bubbles on the wave.
the chirp of a bird
and the rustle of the trees.
a burping frog,
the sun, blinding us with sparkling, pure light, offering
swimming fish flashing perfect rainbows.
the slither of a snake through autumn soaked forests.
dew on the morning grass.
open your eyes
embrace what surrounds you
for there is nothing simple within the simplest of things

looking around me
    inside & out
i notice holes
in almost everything

day or night
sunshine & rain
pieces are missing
fulfillment hasn't been reached
       voided feelings
          unfulfilled desires
empty hearts
     and heads
people holding onto to anything
   just to hold onto something

    settling for less
expecting nothing more
riding the wave of discontent
and going with the flow

having it all end
by being just another
         unnoticeable whisper

with never having made
                      a difference.

broken hearts
don't mean much to me
   now

i won't weep with you
when you've been tossed
nor will i offer
words of comfort
or a tissue
to wipe your snotty nose
after endless days of crying

   but

i will encourage you to look at me
   probe
     feel and
       pinch me, if you must
for i am living proof
that one can survive a broken heart
even a heart that's been
                   stomped on
        chewed up
drained
           and spit out
laughed at
          humiliated
                    used
and eventually
ignored

and that should give you the comfort
you need

'cuz something broken
   can definitely be fixed.

the words drop kicked my brain
and startled it
into writing again.

if i could give you
everything i'd wished
were given to me
i can rest
easy.

throwing myself
onto the wave of normalcy
being spit out
to ride the thunderstorm
of uniqueness...

my words
bounce off of you
like a balloon
bounces off a
child's fingertips

they don't phase you

i sometimes wonder...
do you even hear me
or do you chose to not listen

the breath i waste
could be better spent
on someone who craves
the oxygen
i give.

a twisted, demented, psyche
tangled with obscene thoughts
producing a wild eyed look
that scares the unfortunate
                            who don't understand

uncontrollable twitches
wracking an untamed body
trying in vain
to suppress the brain
                spitting at a stranger instead

foul language
     unimaginable strength
       hurting without meaning to
                                                    embarrassi­ng the ignorant
being shunned
   ridiculed
     abolished

to live a life
of abandonment
and loneliness
all because of a warped
mind.

i am consumed
with anger
   resentment
a disturbing need
for revenge
my body cries out
  for hurt
   cast upon
    another
and it makes me
uncomfortable
a personal insult
or something taken
as which
cannot be forgotten
cannot be ignored
cannot be cast aside
as something that
                                        is
i envy the person that can
and i laugh at the person that will
brush the intended dig
to the side
           ignored
      shrugged at

but me

i will get even
i will accomplish
peace of mind
by dishing out
what i was given

it's only right...right?
'cuz we all've heard
karma...

it's a *****.