at long last
he sings a song for me
sweet
   gentle
     caressing
i watch and i am enraptured
   by the melody
each strum of the guitar strings
   quicken my heart a beat
every note he sings
feels like soft breath against my neck
   making me woozy

he glances up, catches my eye
   and winks

i am doomed.

she: what is it about me?
he: what do you mean?
she: me...?
he: uh...
she: what don't i have?
he: uh...
she: i'm overweight...
he: um...
she: i'm unattractive
he: what?...
she: i'm boring
he: no...
she: i'm dumb
he: uh, well....
she: i give up
he: well, i....
she: nope, that's it, i give up
he: oh, come on...
she: quit trying to talk me out of it
he: i was only...
she: i'm done, good bye
he: wait, what, where are you...
she: have a good life
          he:.....
he:....
he: what about dinner?

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”*

i toss in restless sleep
and wake with pain in my heart

the lifelong fight i have fought
   for a love never given
is coming to an end

i have not won
   nor lost
but come to accept what is

i'm left with a sadness...
   but also deliverance
from the constant need of approval
that would never have come.

a babe
having a baby
thinking all is just rosy
cute lil nose
   wiggly toes
soft skin
   cute laugh
fashionable clothes
teeny, tiny shoes
in all colors...
little hands reaching
to capture your heart

then...


ear shattering screams
   dream stomping cries
wretchedly soiled diapers
   colic
chicken pox
   measles
mumps
   ear ache
tooth aches
   bruised knees
stitched cuts
school friends
   best friends
bullies
   first loves
soft crying from her room

but always
   always

little hands reaching
to capture your heart.

my wild heart
beats excitedly
feeling overwhelmed
with desire

soft caresses
quicken the pulse
sending it into a whirlwind
of hypnotic feelings

control is lost
falling from fingertips
dazed
by prickles of need

not satisfied
until flesh meets flesh
ending with the exhaustion
and perspiration
of spent love

i'm humbled being here
and i'm not sure why

i'm visiting
so i'm allowed
   right?

   so many
the stones seem to go on forever
and i dare not step on one
   no
that would be disrespectful
   inconsiderate
so i walk around
  sometimes hop
if it's last minute

and i find him

here
   alone
  a grey stone
     a military stone
a proud army man
but how proud can you be
   after the fact
i clean it up
   the stone
brush off the dirt, dried leaves
   so i can look

   and i look

reading his name
my heart skips a beat
    my throat constricts
my stomach hurts

i miss him
       my dad
i surely, truly
unapologetically
   miss him

but it doesn't really matter, does it
he's not coming back
   he's gone

  and i'm left here
to figure things out by myself

and it hurts.

i grieve almost daily
for the girl i once was

losing yourself
grips your soul
like a predictable
death.

give me shelter
from these thoughts
that can destroy me
offer me protection
from words
that are better left unsaid
release me
from the prison
of my mind
that forces me to become
a suffragette
for causes i don't believe in
offer me my courage
let me take back my strength
so i can rebuild the morality
of the person i once was.

so many loud yelps
barking voices
clacking at each other
believing that their ignorance
and unabashed rudeness
will get results

   hurray for the strong shouldered
head held high
who ignore such brazen brashness
of the moronic

   bravo to you
that can stop an imbecile
dead in his tracks
by a stone cold
   even gazed
     eye meet eye
stare  

stopping the foolish without uttering a word.

i don't want to be bothered
      by mediocre
show me weird
        and we'll talk.

i love the look of
a hard working man
   the sweat
    the grit
     the dirt
are a complete and total
   turn on
no shower is necessary
babe
just bring your filthy *** over here
and gimme some.

i like having you around
   you always have my back
i could steal
   beat
    pillage
     ****
and ******
and i know you'll always be there for me
you're my muse
   my confidant
     my partner in crime
you build me up
push me
with your skewed ideas of nirvana
but i follow
because you know what's right for me
and you will protect me...always
for you are my alter ego
you are the warrior that has captured my mind

       insanity

living in your darkness
gives me an escape
helps me reach my true desires
for i'll always have you
to defend me

my friend.

walking along
the cobble ****** street
i drop pieces
of my shattered dreams
to be swept up
by the street cleaner
and deposited
into a pile of *******.

a breath of fresh air
that's what you are

so new
curious
fearless
pure of thought

unveiling love
with a tender touch
reaching
for me
           unafraid
brushing your cheek
ever
so
gently
across mine
making my heart melt
with your smile

i thought i knew love
then came you.

it would be easy
taking you back
easing on in
to the old routine
of you hurting me with actions
me hurting you with words
both numb
rolled out
stamped into shape
day after day
until the smiles turn to smirks
and thoughts of your touch
   make me cringe in disgust
phone calls go unanswered
   then unattempted
i won't see you for days
   and smile about it

yeah, it would be easy
taking you back

much more difficult
starting something new.

approaching the day
with a great anticipation
of good times
and laughter
starting out with a glass of wine
taking it slowly
feeling a lightness in spirit
and promise
desire, maybe
nothing too extreme
holding onto certainty
welcoming the concrete assurance
of merriment

when i look at her
i see a simple girl
someone with no expectations
someone content with
   what she has
not wanting more
   always smiling
even when humiliated
   she laughs
thinks every thing's funny
   and is happy
she can make others laugh too
   even if it's at her own expense
she doesn't ask for much
   no demands
   never pouts
just flows through life
   almost nonexistent
not many would notice if she left
   or didn't come
there might be a few probable
   tsk tsk's
   if she passed
but this is the path she chose
this is the path she follows
   though pathetic to some
to her
   this is her life.

bounced around from here to there
this girl didn't know
     where to call home
mommy loves her
   daddy loves her more
but she doesn't feel it
never did
maybe never will
so she'll seek love
spend her lifetime looking for it
not trusting what is presumed real
going from him to him
   a her in between
never fully satisfied
they all love her
this one more than the last
that one more than this
but she does not feel it
and she grows cold
    stoney
          hard
     but still
she continues on her search
for that one true love
that she may not ever find.

i spotted you among the crowd
and our eyes met for a second
   a split second
but that was enough
for in that moment
i felt a warmth fill me
   top to bottom
and i knew
yes, i knew
i had to have you

by the end of the night
we had our first date

in the back seat of your car.

feels like i'm always throwing something out there
only to have it bounce back at me
untouched
obviously unimpressive
to anyone

why are some conceptions
notions
thoughts
acclamations
beliefs
disregarded as nothing
by so many

kinda makes me want to quit
kinda makes me want to chuck it all
give up
throw in the towel
raise my hands in surrender
and be done with it all

but i won't
i'll keep tossing
with stubborn determination
knowing that one day
i'll electrifyingly amaze
the right person!

get away from me all you fools
store owners
underpaid store clerks
delivery people
disgruntled factory workers
bosses
know it alls
child molesting priests
rabbis
loud mouthed reverends
strippers
track armed hookers
pimps
johns who's wife won't give it up
teachers
shady lawyers
pill poppin' doctors
nurses
kids with colds
old people with dementia
***** dogs
feral cats
evil grandmas
perverted grandpas
street sweepers
***** garbage men
slick bartenders
waitresses
drunk people
people high on life
dope heads
meat heads
sober judges
all of you
go to hell in a handbasket
and let me live my life
in peace.

interfused rhymes
   that flow easily on paper
mingled words
   that make the heart melt
smooth verses
   capturing a story
people falling in love
   people falling out of love
sickness
   joy
hatred
   admiration
lies
   truth
angst
   calmness

feelings

all blended together
to produce the perfect
composition

a poem.

my heart has been touched
many a time
but my soul
   ah, my soul
that
remains virginal.

drifting upon
the waves of hypocrisy
being kept afloat
by the lies i've told
all it takes
is one proven truth
to puncture
the shell of my being
and leave me sinking
towards the bottom
to rest upon
the sands of my betrayal.

i don't like people
questioning me
looking at me
quizzically
trying to figure me out

don't

there's no rhyme
to my reason
no "aha" moments
to be had

for...
there's no book
more open
nothing more readable
than me

so...
if you want to get to know me

just be

eventually
we'll find each other.

if you throw a pebble at my window
i will let you in.

sadness
it surrounds me
darkness
it follows me
uneasiness
tries to consume me
the fight is tough
the urge to give in is strong,
easier
but
strength builds character
certainty produces confidence
this war can be won
the crusade towards happiness
is closer than once
imagined

guilt is overrated
so too is an overactive conscience

to be burdened emotionally
with another's cruelty
is ludricous

independence of a warped mind
is attainable
necessary
for spiritual freedom

i find myself filled with
zealous animosity
while observing the happy go lucky
faces of holiday revelers
i'm overtaken by a jealous urge
to deflate their wonderment and joy
                            somehow, someway

   would tripping one of them
as they walk by me
be too obvious
   would swiping the candy cane
from a rosy cheek brat
give away my true state of mind
   would throwing tomatoes at the parade santa
label me as a scrooge

these thoughts haunt me
i despise being eaten away by the exact frame of mind
i wouldn't tolerate from others
only the year before

hopefully this unintentional insanity
is short lived
hopefully my emotional strength of wills
will ground me...once again
for this me is not the me i want to spend
the remainder of my days with

grabbing a handful
of old photos
glancing
i remember times
of true happiness
                      sadness
of doubt
and pain
of self loathing
and hurt

i remember
not being good enough
settling
trying too hard
trying too little
blaming the wrong people
loving the wrong person

but you
you were my
one
true
truth

you gave my life
meaning

you made me
strong

you made me
laugh
and then
cry
   with feelings of
undying love
with feelings of
not being good enough
with feelings of
failure
with you

but
you've proved
me
wrong

you are perfect
to me

you give love

you are good

you are
me.

and she will be
you.

accepting the unacceptable
to accept
while trying to be accepted

believing the unbelievable
so to believe
in something

tolerating the unethical
to hide weakness
and deny decency

following the wicked
because of vulnerability and hopelessness

never comprehending truth
because of rejecting it for so long.

if it takes one of us
to act grown up & rational
i nominate you

i'm too uptight
to fake composure.

"be happy!
don't be sad!"
sounds fine and dandy
but what if i'm happy
being sad?

sadness takes genius
to keep going
it isn't easy
holding a down turned
  smile
   wet eyes
     despairing demeanor
'woe is me' content
but i favor it
to the false bravado
demonstrated
by the eternally joyous
imitators

give me a good cry
compared to a forged belly laugh
after a lame joke
any day!

quiet holds the end of the day
a stillness in the air
stifles the excitement that held us
just hours before
time to wind down
turn on the lights
sip that last glass of wine
and ready ourselves
for the beginning of a new week.

are my words too dire
does my life seem too
desperate
unhappy
lonely or
cruel?
because i am not
desperate
unhappy
lonely or
cruel...well, maybe sometimes
albeit unintentionally
i'm great!
see?
look at my smile!
see me grin!
hear me laugh!
i am wonderfully, blissfully,
joyfully on cloud 9 (give or take)!

i find no honesty
    in a toothy grin
...no satisfaction
     in a winking eye
your words of worship
       nonsense
the flattery you toss
      ridiculous
your praise
           empty
your claim of undying love
           worthless

the day i see truthfulness in your stare
              feel true compassion within your arms
    then
               and only then
will i welcome you
into my untainted
                          embrace.

do you ever look at a little kid
bouncing a ball
and just want to take that ball
and bounce it off his head?

no, me neither.

looking back and forth
from you
   to her
     to them
        & the others
and i wonder...
who of you are sincere
which of you go home in complete & utter contentment?

   you...
wearing plastic smiles
             coifed hair
      painted eyes
   and lips
             gelled
     sprayed
          sprinkled &  spritzed
                   iron out
     blown out
      shaken & tousled
for what?

to add to the alcohol induced facade
   of the similar?

no, i am not unique

i'm just better at showing what's real
than most.

walking through the park
people watching
eyeing the entertainment
a clown twisting balloons
into obscure shapes
and telling people
'it's a dog'
or
'it's a monkey'
and those same people
grinning enthusiastically and exclaiming
'it is, it is!!!'
while walking away
pulling junior by his arm
scolding
'hurry up'
the balloon lasts 5 minutes
usually less
before junior
trying to choke the 'doggie'
busts the balloons...

...and then we're left with
a screaming
      crying
        toddler
       great

i turn my attention to the pond
ducks, geese, a swan or two (i think)
moving gracefully
on the water
until one duck
smaller than the rest
starts quacking anxiously
obviously distressed
and i turn to see it caught up in a tangle of discarded
fishing twine
his terror obviously alarming the others
and then there's a spectacle
of quaking, splashing birds and people
while a few good hearted samaritans rush to
save the duck
eventually a beat cop arrives
shooing people away
while saving the day using his handy
sport knife to cut away the twine and set the bird free
taking a small bow to the crowd of people cheering

moving along
i come to a street vendor
selling ice cones, pop, cotton candy and popcorn
so i stop for a small ice cone
blue
treating myself
walking along
enjoying the scene
i notice a few kids laughing and pointing
i shrug it off until a kindhearted old lady
offers
'your face is blue, dear'
taking out my compact mirror
i do see that my face is indeed blue
   the ice cone
which i unceremoniously dump into the next waste bin
trying in vane to scrub the blue off of my face
with a slowly shredding napkin
i take the path to the nearest exit
out of the park

so much for a relaxing stroll in the park
on a beautiful spring day.

i've opened my arms
and tossed the feelings
of my soul
         to the world

     take them

give them back to me
   cleansed
      purified of dirt
and wholesome
   and i'll cradle them tightly
against my chest
      to be soaked up
by my heart.

a solid rain
washing, purifying
presenting a chance
for a new start
standing in the downpour
looking up
embracing the baptism
wishing
believing
for a chance
to start again.

breathing in the scent of pine*
is it too cliche to say it opens up memories
of christmas's past?
do i need to light a pine scented candle
in order to get into the spirit?
   i do
     i will
if that's what it takes.

i cannot dream
when my thoughts
are stilted

my brain feels tilted
stemming rational thoughts
from flourishing

things around me
seemed blurred

my observances
are skewed

regular rights
are wronged

rational thoughts
confusing

i don't belong

and the comfort i feel
with that agreement
leaves me all the more

befuddled.

dew drops
rain drops
lemon drops
dropped ball
drop kick
side kick
kick in the ***
*******
*******
jack of all trades
jack of hearts
heartache
heartbreak
break my heart
break up
up your ***
up up and away

i love words.

love, untethered
may capture
the wrong
heart.

do you know
i think of you
in my saddest moments
bittersweet memories
fill my head

but i feel no comfort
with these thoughts of you
only reminders
of where my sadness
was planted.

a boy with bright blue eyes
   giggles
as he snatches the purse
and runs off crookedly
   bumping into people
   knocking down old ladies
   kicking dogs out of the way
            giggling
   giggling
running far enough
out of sight
   and sound
to drop the purse
without opening it
into the trash.

come forward
and enter my life
take the blows
meant for me
wallow in my pain
rejoice in my good fortune
trip over my mistakes
suffocate the uneasiness
i feel at times
take it all away from me
live it
summarize it
then
breathe your findings
into my ear.

i want to help you
the person with the fake smile
   hiding behind a mask
      of forced happiness
why do you do it?
why do you want the world to see you
    as something you are not?
don't project happiness
because that's what's to be expected
people can handle happy
it makes them feel content
if they assume you are happy
but what does that leave you
   nothing
      empty
         unfulfilled
& burdened with carrying
that extra heavy weight
   of uncertainty
      uncomfortableness
just to comfort everyone else
be free with your sadness
   cry
      rain tears of despair
         open your arms, desperately
and plead with your eyes
   beg
      ask
for someone
   anyone
to grab ahold of you
and squeeze you tight
whispering
that everything
will be alright

expressing your sadness
   reaching out for help
      is the only real road
to recovery

the only real road
to peace.

leaving this world
and entering mine
comforts me
like a warm blanket.