a crevice carved
deep within
cutting through
the unnecessary
hacking away
at the undesirable
pieces
of things
unneeded
unwanted
but still
there

why?

the scrambled thoughts
i've organized
have urged me
to be rid of
to toss aside
this garbage
that fills my thoughts
fills my mind
consumes my head
with
darkness

an unseen truth
yet a suffocating
existence
of what is real

this unhappiness
this unsettlement
a wavering reality
of
discontentment

and it cannot
or it will not
leave me

and so
i live my life
nodding
smiling
urging those around me
to embrace
to love
to feel utterly fulfilled
in an envelope of plastic
that cannot
be
real

but that which
is a totally acceptable
form of
life.

a light shines
and it's coming from you
what i thought of as dull
is illuminated
because of your presence
your smile
awakens me
your laughter
brings forth a smile
the conversation that pours from you
fills the room
with comfort
an easiness
flows from you
like honey from a comb
and it works
   it fits
       you fit
and my heart bursts
for you are love
you are peace
and from deep within me
you extract
happiness.

you will move
among fields of grain
your limbs craving
the soft touch
of whispered grasses

you will dance
the dance of unbridled
happiness and enraptured joy
closing your eyes
to an imagined peacefulness

love surrounds you

peace reaches for you

you ache to be fulfilled
harmonized
sustained
within a fortress
of unblemished
union

movements smooth
objective solidified
freedom from interference

obtained.

plunging into despair
the grip weakens me
from the inside
out
all hope
i've gathered
evaporates
with pokes
of insecurity
and thoughts
of helplessness
the height i've gained
is slowly being pulled
downward
into a slouching mass
of indescribable
sadness

i fight

but the continued losses
brings in me
an indescribable
hopelessness

i'm known
only to me
i've faked
introduced
established
convinced
and allowed
a false persona
to shine
those who know me
don't
those who wish to
won't
i've struggled
to accept
the inevitable
that the me
i depict
contradicts
the me
i ache for.

you are the breath i crave
on lonely days
when desperation
suffocates my very soul

your embrace
warms me
the feelings of hopelessness
slowly draining
while i am filled
with temporary
ease

when i shake
you calm
when i cry
you soothe
when i feel alone
i think of you
and i dream
of love

and this love
the only love
in the purest of forms
cradles me
and lulls me into believing

i'm going to be
ok.

she: what is it about me?
he: what do you mean?
she: me...?
he: uh...
she: what don't i have?
he: uh...
she: i'm overweight...
he: um...
she: i'm unattractive
he: what?...
she: i'm boring
he: no...
she: i'm dumb
he: uh, well....
she: i give up
he: well, i....
she: nope, that's it, i give up
he: oh, come on...
she: quit trying to talk me out of it
he: i was only...
she: i'm done, good bye
he: wait, what, where are you...
she: have a good life
          he:.....
he:....
he: what about dinner?

in my darkest moments
a poem pops
words twirl
in my brain
pushing
throbbing
willing me
to expel
fingers to keys
thoughts exploding
dark
darker
darkest
melodramatic
melancholy
mediocre
th­oughts
based on a
monochromatic
life
that only the
mundane
may find
interesting

or so it seems.

belonging
then not
being swallowed
by a sea of emotion
then
drifting
bobbing
my eyes are closed
to what surrounds
me
i don't want to know
where i am
who has beckoned me
what has
disrupted my thoughts
i struggle to paddle back
fighting the current
suffering
tortured
to return
to the place
i feel the most
at home
safe

by myself
alone
i am comforted
embraced
by solitude

solitude.

coaxed towards
undesirable territory
she follows
playing along
wondering
curious
realizing
astonished

the fingers are pointed
at her
accusing eyes
bewildered faces
exclamations of
it was you!

thoughts of explanation
bubble towards
her lips
but she hesitates
   holding herself
looking towards
the one
she thought she knew
knowing
she has been
betrayed
and the words
choke
in her throat
for she knows
whatever explanation
whatever truth
she may bring forth
   isn't enough
to convince
the
ignorant.

don't tempt me
with a fate
that is not yours
to give.

will you go
oh, poet
of poetry
so well written
giving in to
the expectance
of society
declaring love
so marketable
and selling yourself
short
for the honor
of having
a
fat
wallet
?

treachery
of the human heart
has no
bounds
its grip
   vicelike
     suffocating
causing injury
past the last
breath
of surrender

expendable desire
ignites
the flames
of desperation
glorifying
in the agony
of the intended

your want
   it's need
begging
scratching
devouring
until that one
last
morsel
of
hope

is found

and the soothing grip
of factitious
affection
lulls you

once again

into imagined
harmony
and hooked on a
blissful
state
of forged
devotion.

there's a void
in my soul
that i cannot
fill
the harder
i try
the emptier
i become
the emptier
i become
the more vacant
i seem
there is no one
not one
person
who understands
me
who sees
me
for what
who
i am
and it aches
me
knowing
my destiny

is to be
alone.

i coax my body
to keep very still
to listen
i drink in
the noises
of the night
a dog barks
a train whistles
a car screeches
to a stop
sometimes
a soul cries
trying to be silent
but the quiet night
betrays her
drunken laughter
skims the streets
my own imagined
stories
giving life
to what i hear
and i think
there is
life
out there
somewhere
within range
of my own ears
and i listen
to the night
imaging purpose
of others
besides
myself.

grabbing a handful
of old photos
glancing
i remember times
of true happiness
                      sadness
of doubt
and pain
of self loathing
and hurt

i remember
not being good enough
settling
trying too hard
trying too little
blaming the wrong people
loving the wrong person

but you
you were my
one
true
truth

you gave my life
meaning

you made me
strong

you made me
laugh
and then
cry
   with feelings of
undying love
with feelings of
not being good enough
with feelings of
failure
with you

but
you've proved
me
wrong

you are perfect
to me

you give love

you are good

you are
me.

and she will be
you.

i am surrounded
by wounded spirits
protected by a veil
of hypocrisy.

tiny hand
in mine
pulsating
with trust
love
your eyes are clear
they see me
and i see you
and we connect
we are attached
not a word spoken
just the piercing
of our eyes
reaching
committing
   i will
always hold you
lift you
comfort
and encourage you
when you can't count on others
you can count on me.

in a room
full of people
i gaze into eyes
trying to find
the one set
that is real.

the delusion starts
with the first gasp
of breath
being lead
with promises
false hopes
distorted possibilities
of a good
life
initiated love
sometimes ends
sometimes grows
into resentment
hatred
and the balloon
of life
pops
pieces
fall to the ground
being swept away
by the breath
of mere
existence
struggling
trying
so hard
to start over
looking
yearning
needing
    that first breath
to start clean
untouched
unbiased
unaware
but filled
with endless possibilities
of good
with the mind of an
innocent
who not knows
of bad

yet.

lovely thoughts
fill my head
swarming
bumping
swaying
then settling
lying in wait
for the chance
to be
bellowed
exclaimed
and barked
at just the right
person
at just the right
moment.

sitting
contemplating
considering
what is
that what
that's in front of me
just doesn't jive
i want more
i deserve more
i've been promised
more
by me
as the years pass
i see my dreams
slipping away
following the unending
current of time
glancing back
with a wink
and a dejected nod
suggesting
time's up
how long
can a clouded soul
   a disappointed heart
continue to thrive
when all that's placed
in front of it
is more sorrow?

alone in an atmosphere
of
what if's
maybe's
and
could've beens
i don't belong here
what wrong turn
have i taken
when did my
smarts
betray me
why did i settle
for less
than what
i know
i am worth
the losers
the degenerates
the downtroddens
embrace me
for being
the same
and i've reached the low
of low
the lowest
of lows
and still
i cannot
will not
accept
that i am accepted
into this familiar
of the unfamiliar
lifestyle.

the emotions
of the day
bounce
bounce
bounce
inside my head
leading me to make
conclusions
that are palpable
slippery
unable to hold
onto
the bizarre thoughts
that consume my head
do
not
make
sense
but to me
at the time
they do
allowing me
to self destruct
and enjoying
every
last
minute
of
it.

i look at you
and see the past
a past
so, so unenjoyable
hurtful
but you're here
now
and sincere
or the sincerest
i've ever known
which could be
a falsity
because
the you
that i'd thought i'd known
is
unknown
to me.

my mind wanders
when i'm lost
claiming answers
to offer closure
the falseness
i live by
burrows deep
until the unbelievable
becomes believable
the obscure
makes sense
and the me
that i have known
becomes
questionable.

my head is filled
with waves of memories
from simpler times
the happiness
i remember
fills me
with a melancholic
longing

it was me
i've lost

and the image
i see in the mirror
is a stranger

what have i become?
when did it all slip away?
and more importantly...

how can i get it back?

love, untethered
may capture
the wrong
heart.

that couple in the corner
might be in love
it's hard to tell
she laughs
drunkenly
a bit too loudly
at something
he has said
he considers her
with lust
knowing
if he hits the right note
she is his

the sky above me
sings in the morning light
pulling me to wake
coaxing me
to try

the burden
of past days
melts
if just a little
with the promise
of a new start

i want to be a part
i crave just a bit
of willingness

the doors i've secured
around me
struggle to be opened
but the stubborn part of me
forms a solid lock
of solitude.

a blended atmosphere
of love and hate
surrounds me
sometimes suffocating
sometimes freeing
my mind twirls
with feelings
of hopelessness
and want
need
and appreciation

and indifference

i wish i cared more
i wish i loved more
i wish i needed more

a cement block
can only be broken
with force

i search for that force
to break me

free.

skipping through life
following the
ordinary
riding the waves
of normal
cashing in
on what's
expected
a life filled
him
      her
the added
              2.5
BA
BS
MD
   SUV
RSVP
        FYI
ASAP
AAA
AM/PM
ETC...
         DOA
A-list
who cares!!!
we are flesh
meat
bones
grey matter
that twists
turns
vibrates
to the emotions
that we feed
nurture
shape
mold
and           encourage

live it
love it

BE

clandestine arrangement
                            planned
               prepped
  cleansed
                          scoured
             scrubbed
shaved
                       powdered
fragranced
practiced
                     and pretended

to end up




home alone.

a breath of fresh air
that's what you are

so new
curious
fearless
pure of thought

unveiling love
with a tender touch
reaching
for me
           unafraid
brushing your cheek
ever
so
gently
across mine
making my heart melt
with your smile

i thought i knew love
then came you.

toppled thoughts
of tumultuous
times
tread tenderly
teasingly
underfoot.

the you
that i've been blaming
is actually
me.

i've been cleansed
by the words
of an exceptional
poet.

words
i read
and they've blurred
before me
until one
   sentence
      catches
and the rest flows
   so
      so perfectly
like a tightly
fitted puzzle
that when finished
makes a beautiful
poem.

i am here
again
alone
thinking
thinking
thinking
contemplating
what...­
when...
where...
sorting
separating
blending
thoughts
that make no sense
trying to figure out
why
what is my purpose
why
am i here
taking up needed space
why
breathing in
selfish air
why
to keep these lungs
pumping
pumping
pumping
why
supporting my twisted head
allowing my brain
to spew out
these unnecessary
words
why
that *****
crave
confirmation
and acceptance
why
why
why

i do cry
if only in my head
the longing
the need

         why

for answers

to questions

                 why

that even I

                                     why

can't explain.

skimming a rock
across the waters
fills me with
melancholy thoughts
and youthful memories
of happier days

unhindered laughter
innocent crushes
bare feet
swimsuits
wet hair
freckled faces
long walks
   longer talks
innocent kisses
opened dreams

oh, to soak my mind
with adolescence
to free my barbed thinking
   and instead
fill my head with innocence
once again

inexperience breeds
an unbridled
exploration.

Stephen King Used An 'Animal Farm' Quote To Call Out Donald Trump:

"George Orwell on Trump and Putin, in 1945: '“The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”'

categorized insanity
a relished ailment
   sought after
     acted for
       cases pled
sad eyes begging

ME
that's ME
please
please
  doctor

I

AM

ILL

         MENTALLY

it's socially acceptable
   admired
heads nod in understanding

give me that
write it in my chart
scroll out the 'script

i want to dance in the streets
run naked through the park
bark at strangers
drool on myself
**** myself
**** on pavement

and all will be accepted

because

i am labeled

mentally incoherent
   unstable
socially incompetent

and therefore

totally embraced

because of

my

insanity.

the sounds of life
surround me
the echoing of distant traffic
the sing song of birds
muffled arguments
a firecracker
close by
if i concentrate hard enough
if i allow myself
to leave
myself
i can forget my life
i can imagine a fantasy life
for me
an easy going life
filled with everyday sounds
smooth living
a mind void of troubles
contentment

if i just listen
to the everyday sounds
of everyone's life

i watch people
through windows
moving drapes
to get a glimpse
i hear people
the muddled laughter
the bark of a dog
the screams of children
at play
and i sit
and wait
and wonder
who's happy
who's desolate
content
satisfied
or who is like me
watching
listening
waiting
agonizing
in the thought
of yet another
day.

i never feared
loneliness
i've always chosen
to be alone
i craved it
wallowed in it
sat satisfied
while alone
i thought
that is what
i wanted
to be alone
to be alone
but
not lonely
loneliness
is consuming
suffocating
it grips
my throat
and squeezes
every
last
breath
until i am left
panting
desperate
for contact
watching
the outside world
of human
commotion
and wanting to
be a part
of anything
something
but
i've pushed
and pushed
and now
there
is nobody
nobody
to reach out to
nobody
to call
nobody
to laugh with
share with
conspire with
and
i am definitively
left
alone
lonely


alone.

we are born wanting
   needing
expecting
                something
   anything
that will fill the emptiness
the emptiness of hunger
  of comfort
security
we immerse ourselves
in the warmth
of our mother's arms
we are cradled
and soothed
until we feel secure enough
to drift
               knowing
that when we awake
those same, soft arms
will be there to hold us
assure us
that we are loved
taken care of
protected

and then life pushes us away
away from the protection
and security
of all that we have known
since birth

and we are left stranded

alone

and longing for the comfort
of those strong arms
that soft voice of reassurance
that we have come to crave

but

we must be strong
we must embrace our independence
we must take all that we've been taught

and let go...

freeing ourselves

and at the same time
allowing ourselves
to offer protection
   and love
to what that has yet
to come.

the lesser me
is always present
my positive proclamations
will be overshadowed
by a nagging feeling of
not good enough
not pretty enough
not skinny enough
not smart enough

no...
scratch that
i'm always smart enough
     pfft
actually
i'm smarter than...most

so...

we're back too
pretty
         skinny...

such shallowness

that's me?
is that really how i feel?
                                    me?

this overly wordy
exceedingly articulate
totally capricious
me?

imma gonna step back a bit
lemme reevaluate
reassess
and gauge
this
'lesser than me" ****

i AM all that
i AM smarter than most
i AM ******' writin' my poems for the whole ******* world to see!

so...

take that
my weak,
cowardly
'inner' self

you, uh, me, uh i...
need to ball up
and show the world

that i am
ALL THAT

and then some...

imagination
is a funny thing
and getting lost in the hallucinatory bliss
of a fantasy
may become ethereal

our minds
are moldable
   & viscous
the formation
directed
by a mere thought

   or thoughts...
that sometimes
consume
envelope
suffocate
inhabit
our very soul

floating through
an imaginary world
keeps us lost
   saves us
protects us
from the harsh reality
of what
really is.

there is only me
in my life

i love me
want me
caress me
yearn for
me

if you
can give me
me

i will be with
you

for me
alone.

i am consumed
with anger
   resentment
a disturbing need
for revenge
my body cries out
  for hurt
   cast upon
    another
and it makes me
uncomfortable
a personal insult
or something taken
as which
cannot be forgotten
cannot be ignored
cannot be cast aside
as something that
                                        is
i envy the person that can
and i laugh at the person that will
brush the intended dig
to the side
           ignored
      shrugged at

but me

i will get even
i will accomplish
peace of mind
by dishing out
what i was given

it's only right...right?
'cuz we all've heard
karma...

it's a *****.