grazing through words
i am distracted
after the first sentence
i am not thrilled
i am not awakened
i am bored
with the trivialities
of the normally written
verse.


a broken heart
a good poem
does not make.

a gathering

at first glance
innocent enough

hardened smiles
seemed made of
plaster

not one of which
wants to know
the other

riding the ebb
of familiarities

nodding heads
of blank faces

not caring
       nor curious
but always
agreeable

a gathering

yes

of a room full of
complete strangers.

blown torches
roads traveled
crosses bared

sleepless nights
uneasy meetings
shallow hello's

round about ways
wishy washy
ovations
that don't mean a thing

cowardice
that shouts the intent
without speaking a word

any intentional
accident
is seen as
a calculated
delusion.

do you see
what i am projecting?

look at me!

closer

                        closer

            closer...still

who am i
              to you?

this silliness
i am trying to prove
has got to come to an end

what you see
is what you get
                                      literally

i won't falsify
i will not pretend
i will not provoke a porous
        habitable
      accommodating
                     agreeable
      acceptable

me

THIS is me
this is who i am

take it


or


leave it.

(i really don't give a ****).

can you listen
instead of speaking
your words
confuse me
blur my senses
the sugar coated
nonsense
that spits from your mouth
makes me cringe
listen
for a change
hear
what others say
ignore
all that you've been taught
          or not...
your'e a pattern
an assembly line
production
of monotony

different
seems funny
   to you
odd
seems an insult
weird
a joke

can i grab you?
squeeze you?
force common sense
to burst your seams?
and have the absurdity
that makes you

come apart
at the seams...

candied greetings
topped with syrupy
smiles

sugar coated hugs
coated with the sweetness
of memories long
forgotten

long lost aunts
tossed into the mix
of relatives
eagerly awaiting
acceptance

     the holidays...

a forceful insurgence
of family
that normally
would be
ignored

a man
a boy, really
has reached out to me
and i've accepted
the friendship
   the commraderie
      the companionship
i've been craving
for far too long

it unsettles me
this friendship

i feel an unnerving
uneasiness
a falseness

but i will accept him
welcome him
embrace him

with all i have

because i feel
the connection

is worth it.

here
today
now
looking
who is this i see
me
this image
it is'nt
what i am used to
seeing
it's me
yes
but a
distorted image
of who
i know i am
sloping
wrinkles
cavernous spaces
where i know
a smooth terrain
is supposed to be
the disappointment
i feel
is expected
but i am unprepared
for the inevitable
that has come.

you
come to me
with the confusing
solidity
of
confidence.

i cannot dream
when my thoughts
are stilted

my brain feels tilted
stemming rational thoughts
from flourishing

things around me
seemed blurred

my observances
are skewed

regular rights
are wronged

rational thoughts
confusing

i don't belong

and the comfort i feel
with that agreement
leaves me all the more

befuddled.

i've forgotten
what a comforting hug
feels like

my arms are like soldiers
guarding
   protecting
     preventing
even the slightest
touch

a hardness
encircles me
unbendable
   impenetrable
solid

and

   always

      there

i can't remember
tenderness

i'm confused
when kindness is offered

this world
my world
has brought me to this place

and the fight in me
has fizzled.

walking
my mind scrambled
the swirling of my thoughts
make me dizzy
unstable
light headed
i try so hard
to get a grip
but the anxious hand
that grips my heart
is too strong
it squeezes
squeezes
and my breath catches
i stop
to calm myself
close my eyes
breathe in 2...3
out...2...3
and opening my eyes
i am greeted with life
life
life!
LIFE!!

and i decide
at that moment
to live
again.

the joy
has been ripped from her soul
and sold to the highest bidder
she looks on
in bewilderment and shame
collapsing in her lack of strength
crying for someone she wishes
she was
not fighting
for what is rightfully hers
standing alone
in a life
she doesn't want
weakened
by her own sense of self

being cradled
in the arms
of depression.

skip to my lou, my darling
trip on a rock
and smash your head in.

a mind wasted away
memories that no longer exist
imagined stories
   and adventures
fabrication
   not lies
finding comfort
   within a hug
      that never was
knowing people
   you've never met
moving through the days
   on brainwaves of inebriated bliss
      and fantastical pain
meeting, for the first time,
   the face in the mirror
living a different life
                             every day...

blindsided by the reality
of what almost was...

come forward
and enter my life
take the blows
meant for me
wallow in my pain
rejoice in my good fortune
trip over my mistakes
suffocate the uneasiness
i feel at times
take it all away from me
live it
summarize it
then
breathe your findings
into my ear.

she stands startled
from the blow of feelings
that hit her
   hard

this man

this person

a simple living soul
has helped her discover
the beauty of just
being

she feels a thrill
at waking
a comfort
that cradles her
as she drifts to sleep

her days are long
but filled with an anticipation
of more

the pores
of the universe
burst in exclamations
of joy

smiling is
normal
a permanent grin
plastered to her face

the skip in her step
in not imagined

true
   everlasting
      perfect
love

has found her

and the suffocating passion
she clings to
will be her
downfall.

i loathe
long, sappy,
poems of love

the thrumming heart
set ablaze
by a woeful look
and predictable
exclamations
of desire...

                bore me

the
'can't live withouts'
           and
'without you i'm nothings'
make me want
to puke

i don't care about you

and
the all you've given

the trust that was tampered with?
   your fault

the constant lies
   your stupidity

the unfulfilled need
   could've been sought elsewhere

and that hole in your heart...
could've been filled by you
           a long
    time
ago.

the moons reflection
is washed ashore
by gentle waves

an empty bench
holds memories
of laughter
   deep thoughts
      and the simple awareness
of living

laughter &
tears
          angry words
influenced hugs
   and drippy exclamations of
love

the ignorance
of knowing
   the knowledge
   of the despicable
and daily motions
held together
by lies

a mind overburdened
but kept unfazed
by consistent doses
of comfort

death brings you
peace
but in it's wake
leaves a cacophony
of grief

the anthem of my heart
sings a low melody
the chords crying
in pain
my soul is touched
my mind awakened
and i listen
     listen
        listen
as the crescendo
tickles my senses
and my pulse
keeps in tune
with the beat
of my heart
   quickening
leaving me breathless
       ecstatic
until the pessimistic downbeat
brings me back
slowly
   slowly
     slowly
to where
i started.

a confetti of white
tossed from above
blankets the earth
in silence.

the thrumming
in my chest
a quickened pulse
with just the thought
of you
i can see your smile
before me
and my hand reaches out
to touch you
   stroke your face
but i grieve
in the absence of
the love
i once felt
my heart aches
for feelings
i cannot find
my blood pumps
i breathe in
and out
i am alive
but without you
without someone
i am empty.

mouths
clamped shut
for fear of
humiliation

a brain that pops
with thoughts
unprojected

the solidness
of being
threatened
with destruction
by unbelieved
proclamations
of truth

this world
   our world
      your world
faced with
predictions
of destruction
because leaders
chose to follow
and followers
chose
a zipped
upper lip.

i write
because i can
i read
because i desire dreams
i hope
because it's all i have
i don't give up
because i don't know how
i love
because of you
i live
because you need me

i live
because i need you.

i will lead you
to the place i've always wanted to be
i will coax you
and train you
and let you know
how good it could be
i will caress your mind
until you realize
that you are powerful
my mistakes
   your fortune
my hesitation
   your confirmation
ignore my insecurity
to ride the whirlwind of achievement
and hold in your hand
the solidness
of your future
and feel in your heart
the security
of peace.

it's been so long
i don't remember
a
   you
i revolve around
   me
i wake knowing
   me
i fall asleep thinking
   me
i answer invites,
make plans,
answer calls
with
   me
i miss
   us
      we
         our
but i only have time for
   me
      you
you've left me
so long ago
   you
have become
   me
only
   me.

i've lost the feeling
of love
i push my mind to the brink
willing it to remember
cradling it with memories
hoping my senses
will recall the familiarity
   of touch
     longing
         anticipation
but there is
   nothing
except i do feel
an ache
deep within
a void
   emptiness
not broken
but not fixed
unexplainable
so not missed
my mind says i haven't given up
but my body says
let it go.

blank stares
of the offended
that plead silently
for mercy
feeds the flame
of the sadistic
allowing continuation
of assault
on the exposed nerve.

the desperate scratching
of words to paper
producing mediocre prose
that beg for likes
leaving the author
breathless and sweating
while awaiting confirmation
he's good enough.

the hopeful shuffling
of the unfortunate
poses the question

why?

scrambling for attention
   the masses are
crowded streets
highways
horns blaring
curses spewed
anxious people
hurried towards nowhere
going through the daily
motions
then sitting idle
   come evening
pondering the day
trying in vain
to figure out the way
towards happiness
                        contentment
              peace
and failing miserably
   each
      and
         every
time.

light and loathing
statically intertwined
within a mind
exploding with insanity.

where is that person
that can offer me
calmness
caressing my mind
to ease
allowing me comfort
and deep
              deep
                     sleep
unburdened by dreams
and then awakening
with a cleansed jolt
of happiness...

...where is that person?

i read your tumbled thoughts
through your eyes
the mirrors to your soul
and they speak sadness
discontent
unease
and woe
they cannot see the brightness
of the sky
the beauty of clouds
nor hear the sing song melody
of birds way up high
consumption of bitterness
has directed your being
into becoming
an angry individual
a hateful person
vengeful
jealous
contemptuous
i search for the softness
the love
the forgiveness
but i find none
your misery is too strong
and the force of it
makes me abandon you
forget you
toss you to the curb
to live out your pain
all alone.

i question my sanity
and state of mind
i can feel the cruelness within
and it burdens me
with sadness

will you leave me
self loathing
disguising the image
i see in the mirror
extinguishing the hope
   it took me a lifetime
to build
with one glance
exhaustion envelopes me
the warmth of my bed beckons
to fill my head with the dreams
of how i want
my life to be
then awakening
to the reality
and disappointment
of how my life
actual is.

sadness is the friend you gave up long ago
who continues to torture you
with uninvited knocks
on your door.

romance & love
   holding hands
wandering eyes
   stealing kisses
unanswered calls
laughing at unfunny jokes
canceled dates
smiling when you want to puke
hurtful words
cringing at a touch
crying alone
old photos moved to drawers
single
winking at the sun
free
   the end
     it feels good.

...i feel the solidness
of the day
holding me steady...

...until a strong wind
of memories
knocks me off
my feet.

now
you're a fleeting breeze
a swift sensation
gliding past my face
just out of touch
i can feel the softness
but the comforting warmth,
the protection you'd provided
is long gone
and i am left
with the memories
of what could have been.

the lies that hurt the most
are the ones you tell yourself

throwing myself
onto the wave of normalcy
being spit out
to ride the thunderstorm
of uniqueness...

a portal is lifted
allowing words to escape
from mind
         to paper

with the
            tumbling
                          of
                               text
   i am filled with a release

chains
   that have bound my thoughts,
are broken
and expressive prose
fills the pages

writers block
no longer suffocates me
and i am filled
with the sweet breath
of poetry.

feeling your breath
upon my neck
i urge my eyes to close
as i picture the you
i've imagined
in my dreams

as your breathing grows more intense
i'm lost in a fantasy
of pretend love;
picturing daisies
and blue skies
gentle rains
and swaying trees

and later, as you lie close to me
softly snoring
i imagine that happiness
fills my weary heart.

being filled with an emotion
so intense
it forces tears from my eyes
and envelopes me
in a soft thickness
of comfort...


...finally finding peace.

i don't want something
that rhymes
what i want is a few words
that cause goosebumps.

skip through me
and pass
don't offer me hope
with a willful glance
i won't reciprocate
i won't respond

the love i seek
is buried deep
within myself

and that is the hardest love to find.

you have a beauty
that i cannot grasp
me, with you,
isn't possible

uncomfortableness
fills me

when i imagine your arms
around me
and even though my body
craves your touch
my mind
isn't ready for it.

the days blur
into nights
and i'm still
me

assuming position
wanting assurance
hoping for flattery
that rarely comes

the mirror has betrayed me

the once bright eyes
that stared back
have turned into
criticizing
judgemental
globes of hypocrisy

i harbor a dislike

i cradle a disgust

the love, built over years,
has crumbled down
after just one glance
into the
familiar.