...scattered thoughts
explode from my brain
in a medley
of intense sparks & colors
to burst from my mouth
in an eruption of profanities.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”*

i toss in restless sleep
and wake with pain in my heart

the lifelong fight i have fought
   for a love never given
is coming to an end

i have not won
   nor lost
but come to accept what is

i'm left with a sadness...
   but also deliverance
from the constant need of approval
that would never have come.

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”
― Ernest Hemingway, The Garden of Eden

why can't i stay captivated by someone
     longer
why does my interest fade

   starting slowly
      then speeding up and becoming
imperceptible

their voice becomes
blah        blah
        blah        blah
           blah

their face begins to blur
i keep blinking my eyes
to try and bring them back in focus
but it doesn't happen
they melt into the background
   becoming a chair
     the bartop
         a glass of beer
        a door
it's all the same

they're the same

    as everyone else
nothing special anymore

just another boring combination of oxygen, carbon,
hydrogen, nitrogen,
calcium, & phosphorus
(i looked it up, that's 95% of what makes up the human body)

              no more mental stimulation
                          the initial excitement is gone

and i am bored yawn

once again.

you're a cute face
with a ****

that poor girl
waits & waits
   for someone to save her

her degenerated spine
crackles and moans
as she becomes nearly bent in half
   losing all support
she will soon be spineless
   an invertebrate
all because she didn't have the backbone
to save herself.

standing only
   on the bus
being jostled about
   my footing is lost
and i fall into you

   sorry

but turning to look
   and smiling
i know that i am not.

the wall of strength i've built
     can be destroyed with just one look
       from you.

no matter how far away i am
it is never far enough
   from you

   you are there during sleepless nights
i hear your words fall from my brothers lips
  the need you generate
    heats me throughout my day
    in the form of a cold sweat
when i look in the mirror
i see the judgments you've made are true
  the bruise you've left on my soul
   is a constant reminder
   of the hurt you gave

i am a prisoner of my own mind
and your cruel heartlessness
provide the restraints

i feel death
is the only option for peace...

...whether it be yours
or mine.

my sincerity has cost me
being honest has gotten me slapped
      scorned
        and shunned

***** looks follow me
pointed fingers find me

facing the truth...
most cannot swallow

exclaiming a flaw
is just for show
for many

but me
HA!
i call your bluff

you want to cry wolf?
   watcha got here
      is little red riding hood
in
    the
        flesh!

blow smoke in my face
i don't mind
i'm spineless
          needy

and you...

well...
you're very, very cute

so...

i'll take the smoke
   i'll giggle at your stupid jokes
     i'll come when i'm called
(and *** when you need it)
        i'll look up at you in awe
and count my blessings
because...
after all...
i have
               you
what more could a
homely
simple minded
desperate for love
inexperienced
wall flower
expect...

an ******* is better than nothing.

lonely women
aloof men
denying needs
that are readily available
...just because

so many games are played
over and over
   and over
     and over
again
to save face

no, i will not accept you
because you are the first
let me play the field a bit
   sleep around a little
      test the waters
and maybe
and i stress maybe
when i'm done
if your'e still around
i might give you
another chance

because, after all
it takes a long, long
long, long
time
to find
      happily
             ever
                after.

people confusing love
with want
   or need
or a hunger seeking to be fulfilled
  by anyone available
just fill the void
i'll worry about the rest later
doesn't matter if we don't fit
you're here now
that's all that's important
   to me
come on now
let's give this a whirl
you say you love me
i'll profess the same
people around us will smile
and clasp their hands
     'finally'
she has found love
and all will be good

mom will cry happy tears
dad will say, with a thump on your back
   'that's my boy'
friends with partners will include us in game night
   gals won't feel threatened
      guys won't have to hide a peak
and we can skip into foreverness
over the rainbow
tossing daisies as we go
to live happily ever after
in this manmade fairy tale.

"be happy!
don't be sad!"
sounds fine and dandy
but what if i'm happy
being sad?

sadness takes genius
to keep going
it isn't easy
holding a down turned
  smile
   wet eyes
     despairing demeanor
'woe is me' content
but i favor it
to the false bravado
demonstrated
by the eternally joyous
imitators

give me a good cry
compared to a forged belly laugh
after a lame joke
any day!

i've given up things
because they were toxic to me
unburdening myself
from the weight of the garbage
that cluttered my life
now i am free from the rot
and decay

but redemption hasn't claimed me

although i am carrying a lighter load
the heft of loneliness
is just as burdensome to bear.

i'm humbled being here
and i'm not sure why

i'm visiting
so i'm allowed
   right?

   so many
the stones seem to go on forever
and i dare not step on one
   no
that would be disrespectful
   inconsiderate
so i walk around
  sometimes hop
if it's last minute

and i find him

here
   alone
  a grey stone
     a military stone
a proud army man
but how proud can you be
   after the fact
i clean it up
   the stone
brush off the dirt, dried leaves
   so i can look

   and i look

reading his name
my heart skips a beat
    my throat constricts
my stomach hurts

i miss him
       my dad
i surely, truly
unapologetically
   miss him

but it doesn't really matter, does it
he's not coming back
   he's gone

  and i'm left here
to figure things out by myself

and it hurts.

she is with him
   and he is with her
they are together
   but those two...
...they're apart
don't talk to him
he is with that one
no   no   no
not him either
he's got eyes for the other one
   there
    that one
he is alone
go for him
   no
i don't think so
i'm still stuck
   on that one
     over there
but there's no chance of that
because him...
...he's with someone else
and me
ha!
***** it
i'm going home

this is messed up.

gawking and gazing
observing and seeing
knowing what is
and what is not
continuing with the flow
of what i've come to know
ending the day
not with regrets or disappointments
but with an understanding
of what has become
    ... normal.

tumultuous thoughts fill my head
whirling, twirling idioms
of what love should be

hand held strolls
protective arm that saves
a soft kiss that confirms
starry eyes that whisk away

no temptation of fate here
i'll allow the flow of love filled thoughts
to enrapture and hold me

until the real thing comes along.

i thought i was reflecting on the past
when what i was actually doing
actually am doing
is dwelling on it

i'm too caught up with how i wanted things to be
compared to how it actually was...
...is

after all this time
i still wish things were different
aw, hell, i wish you were different
   me
     us

but they're not

accepting the unacceptable is very difficult

if only you had tried harder
   if only you would try now
if only i tried harder
   if only i would try now

but that's not going to happen

and it makes me sad
because i realize this is all i get
not that i'm owed anything
but at the very least
you could've shown support
   or compassion
     sympathy
        praise
     encouragement
  love

i've never felt it

i always felt ashamed of who i was
    who i am now
but only around you

so....
it's better i'm not around you
i'll try and take the past and leave it there

because not having you in my life
   gives me peace
not having you in my life
  allows me to be myself

without being shamed by doing so.

watching you being lowered
i feel i'm going to retch
my mind has accepted it
by my heart cannot

you are too spirited to be confined
to a small wooden box

you use your hands way too much
when talking
to hold them still against your sides

what about your laughter?
...it's wide mouthed and loud
who can hear it when your'e closed in?

and your eyes
who will see the playfulness in them
if they're forever shut?

what about my son?
you haven't even played catch with him yet

and me...
who's going to love me as much as you did
if you leave me forever?

there's temptation all around
but i've grown too wise to succumb to it

   boyish grins
     come hither looks
      & empty compliments
don't do a thing for me...now

there was a time when all it took
was a glance & a crafty smile
   tossled hair &
           swell fitting levis
toss in a wink & a drink
and i'd swoon

   but now
now, i'm too smart for that nonsense...

...funny thing is
i'm not 100% sure that's a good thing.

i couldn't help but dip my fingers
into the viscosity of your heart...
...to shake things up a bit
so by the time the wave
crashed into your brain
you'd look at me in drunken appreciation
and fall in love.

the hardest love affair
i ever considered starting
was the one with myself

it's difficult holding onto something
that doesn't quite fit

or not feeling an attraction

when disappointments are constant
   and false promises are made daily

when comfort only comes
  with my mind being blurred by intoxication

the time has come and
   the realization has been made

... the only way this relationship can work
is if serious changes are made.

the fear of hurting
engulfs the weakest
seeks those
   that...can't cope
               seem beyond hope
            yearn for attention
just one positive note
   is desired
a warm hand
  to cradle a tear stained face
  that looks into honest eyes
will stop the pain
   briefly
but just enough to coax a smile.

i'm trying my damndest to see past you
'cuz i need to know what's pushin' you
i know and you know
you ain't that ballsy on your own
   so...tell me
what is it that pushes you
to get in my face?

the aftermath of a night out
follows me for days

everything appears too lucid
like a Dali
dripping slowly
and eventually puddling on the floor
i'm being pushed through crowds
that give me ***** looks
frowning at my disposition
like it's my fault
sloshing about in this liquid tomb
that fills my head with the boom
                           boom
              boom
          of rock n' roll
and shot glasses hitting the floor

grant me sleep
or give me death.

i keep calling
and calling
yelling
from deep within my soul
but no one answers
no one heeds my pleas
i feel thoroughly alone

the one time i ask for help
and no one is around to answer

bounced around from here to there
this girl didn't know
     where to call home
mommy loves her
   daddy loves her more
but she doesn't feel it
never did
maybe never will
so she'll seek love
spend her lifetime looking for it
not trusting what is presumed real
going from him to him
   a her in between
never fully satisfied
they all love her
this one more than the last
that one more than this
but she does not feel it
and she grows cold
    stoney
          hard
     but still
she continues on her search
for that one true love
that she may not ever find.

there's a man
walking the streets
holding an umbrella frame
(no umbrella)
and wearing a rumpled, tan overcoat
he wears galoshes
(didn't think people still did)
a battered cowboy hat
and nothing else

he whistles a tune that's not familiar
and smiles a toothless smile

his whiskers are coarse
his hair unwashed
and dirt cakes every crease on his body

but he smiles
a toothless smile
and whistles a tune that's not familiar

everything he owns
is carried in a black hefty
slung over his shoulder
he sleeps by the river at night
and relishes in the sunshine by day
he places an old tin top from a thermos
(which has long ago disappeared)
by his side
while he snoozes
and doesn't ask for a thing
but if he wakes
and sees his cup brimming with coins...

he smiles
a toothless smile
and whistles a tune that's not familiar

he feels his days are full
he is grateful for every minute
the river is his lullaby at night
the sun his companion by day
and when he thinks of how fortunate he is...

he smiles
his toothless smile
and whistles a tune that's not familiar.

is it all about love
is it all about having someone
to talk to
         hang with
     lean on
are loners professing their happiness
   lying?
looking at the rain feeling peace...
   a facade?
           skidding cars
       moaning cats
        garbage can lids being opened
                    then closed
noticing that...
is it wrong to be so acute to my surroundings?
if someone were here
would these things be less noticeable?
        i like the rain
        i like insignificant outside noises
        i like letting my mind create fairy tales
                                      on what is happening
                                  at any precise moment
                              just because i am aware
but if someone were here...
...if i were in love enough
              to have someone here
would i become less whimsical?

my mind is set to blame
   accusations
     finger pointing
      flared anger
and i feed it with a bottle
of...
whatever
to keep it functioning smoothly
   oiled
        greased
  gears shifting noiselessly
with an alert fixed
to cast fault
on whoever may cross my path.

the only hope is time.

shaken, not stirred
with a twist of lemon
on the rocks

it's that kind of day.

give me a day full of sunshine and flowers
and i will show you the clouds
and the lone ****

a colored world of happiness
drenched in a permanent grey
that my mind cannot erase
has caused many lost years

i want to reach up, grab a cloud
      squeeze out the excess,
and use it to wash the dirt that clutters my mind
so i can see the blue
           green
    yellow
          red
    orange
and green

this self induced misery
is pathetic
    even for me

but amazingly
i find comfort in it.

looking back and forth
from you
   to her
     to them
        & the others
and i wonder...
who of you are sincere
which of you go home in complete & utter contentment?

   you...
wearing plastic smiles
             coifed hair
      painted eyes
   and lips
             gelled
     sprayed
          sprinkled &  spritzed
                   iron out
     blown out
      shaken & tousled
for what?

to add to the alcohol induced facade
   of the similar?

no, i am not unique

i'm just better at showing what's real
than most.

not everyone can be as lonely as me

*can they?

again, i look for you
   amongst the faces

staring at shoes
   whips of hair
     sounds of laughter
but you still don't appear

where are you?

why won't you come to me?

what bait should i use to attract you?

i've tried being me
i've tried being someone else
   but nothing works

my expectations have reached their limit
i won't lower
and i can't go higher

i am teetering on the edge

one fall forward
and i will land alone
into the sea of lonesomeness

but if i stay solid
i am still alone.

as the water washes over me
i see the remains of days
trickle down the drain

friday
   saturday
        sunday

still, i stay hopeful of the day
that will be too viscous
to fade away.

why do i continue
to scrape the cut that's myself
deeper and deeper
each day
knowing that soon
the wound will be too severe
to heal?

my brain explodes
into a kaleidoscope of infinite colors

i find a piece of myself amongst the rubble

and it is grey.

beautiful verses
that flow easily from her fingertips
leave me in awe
of the fact
that simple words
can have such a deep impact
on my mind.

taking a long drag
i lay back comfortably
exhaling
i watch the smoke rise
up
   up
     up
and dissipate
somewhere around the ceiling fan
but before the smoke alarm


it's nice being in cahoots with the universe

i'm staggered by your walk
   electrified by your talk
     blown away by your looks
       blindsided by your smarts
   and bowled over by your kisses

i guess you leave me totally discombobulated.

i have the urge
to walk into a bar
grab a barstool
order a beer
and join in some good o'l boy conversation...

does that make me less of a woman?

the stranger i fear most
   is myself.

my mind is full
   and time is lost
i'm here
   wishing i were there
it's morning
   but oh, how i crave the night
bright sunshine
   yet i yearn for clouds
      cry for rain
bodies rushing about
   and i shake my head
      at their uselessness
words crashing into each other
   senseless but sensible
        to me
comfortable in my solitude
   not asking or expecting companionship
anytime soon

seclusion keeps me safe.

i look up at your window
and wonder what it is you're doing
cooking, maybe
listening to music
screwin'

thinking of me?

i pass your office
and wonder what it is you're doing
sending an email
attending a meeting
eating lunch (or your secretary)

thinking of me?

i sit at the bar
sipping a beer
and think of you
next to me
throwing back a shot of jack
and winking at the waitress
and i realize that
no
you never did think of me.

looking hard
i don't know what i see

i have an imagined image of
smooth lines
warm colors
blended tones
   adding depth
& beauty
i can envision that when i squint

but wide eyed and aware
i see something unfinished
harsh lines stopping abruptly
colors that clash
unbalanced features
an incomplete likeness
to what i've conceived

i've become the frankenstein
of my fabricated reality.

what bothers me most
is that i have allowed you
to hurt me again.

being battered emotionally
time and time again
has taken it's toll

becoming bitter
and unlikable
is not my chosen route
   but an established one
something i've accepted
   with open arms
     and a needy heart

you've throttled my compassion
to the point i feel
drained of goodness

no one understands
no one can relate

and i'm viewed as ugly
   mean
     disrespectful
      and cruel

     10 seconds
one derogatory remark
     and you've ****** the life out of me
once again.