i've given up my dream to follow another's
   many times
that has left me dreamless
   and alone.

i feel the rolling thunder
vibrating through the walls
and it soothes me

splashing rain upon the roof
makes me smile...
...contented

the dreariness outside my window
embraces me like an old lover
and i feel at ease with this moment
comforted by the storm
lulled to sleep by dripping water
and wind ruffling trees

and i wake up feeling purified

...if only for a moment.

i pass the time
thinking of him
hoping my words
have stuck
hoping the desperation
i'd sometimes shown
wasn't frowned upon
   but accepted
and realized as truthful
for i only want happiness
   peace of mind
     contentment
for him

giving to my child
something i couldn't reach myself
i can live with.

can i get you anything
a life, maybe
change of scenery
a conscience (why do i always have trouble spelling that word!)
honesty?
yes, how about that?
would you know how to use it
or is that something else
                     i'd have to walk you through
you're like one of my childhood books (nothing beats seuss)
that i've read so often
i only use it for the pictures
so predictable
and stoic (i think that word fits, who cares, i like the way it sounds)

but...
******* it
why do i still feel guilty
when i debase (cool word) you?

i'm done sacrificing something
just to get a phone call
late saturday night
for a date

no 6 foot anything
  is worth that
no filled out levis
  can get take me there again

stash the smile
stick the compliments
don't rub my back
stop smelling my hair
i've been there
        done that

so...

now then
shall we do this thing
on my terms?

or not?

i spotted you among the crowd
and our eyes met for a second
   a split second
but that was enough
for in that moment
i felt a warmth fill me
   top to bottom
and i knew
yes, i knew
i had to have you

by the end of the night
we had our first date

in the back seat of your car.

i like the word despair
in a poem
it packs a punch
whereas
      sad
        lonely
    unhappy
   or blue
don't offer as much of a
    wallop
give me a desperate, despairing person
burdened by anguish, misery
     and gloom
and i'll show you
a great poet!

changing directions
midlife
is a scary thought

but when things become too tedious
   too boring
    too predictable
i think the choice is obvious

taking a chance
and embracing
the pounding of my heart
as a sign of anticipation
   instead of fear
gives me the courage i seek
to welcome something new.

“We either make ourselves miserable,
or we make ourselves strong.
The amount of work is the same.”
― Carlos Castaneda


i like this!!!

...in my mind,
blending dreams & hopes
  wishes & desires
   longings & need
gathering speed & intensity
like a snowball rolling down a mountainside
before being blown away
by the potency
of feelings

that leaves me utterly exhausted...

you purring besides me
intoxicates me
to a restful sleep

when gentle breezes blow past me
i hear soft words murmured by you
that were never spoken

when the heat of the sun grips me tightly
   and pulls me close
i feel an embrace from you
that never happened

and when feeling exhausted by life
i crave the love from you
that never was.

the asphalt scrapes my knees
as he drags me along
bump
   bump
      bumping
against the rock strewn road
my head hangs low
my sweater is torn
and i'm naked from the waste down
   and *****
    very, very *****
he might think i'm dead
or at the very least, unconscious
whatever he feels
he doesn't show it
he just grips the strap
tied around my wrists tightly
having wound it once
   twice
   three times
around his own hands

i don't know where he's taking me
i don't remember where i've been
  
and
there's no use fighting it
even if i had any fight left

i'm beyond humility
i feel no shame
the only thing that tells me i am alive
is the pain
the constant, raw, exposed
deeply embedded
pain.

a bellows is used to fan the flames
and my eyes follow the sparks
as they circle into the night

the small girl is staring at me
and i give her a wink
but she turns away

a stray dog is sniffing the ground
hoping for any leftover meat
that may have fallen

i turn my head towards laughter
coming from one of the tents
followed by drunken singing

looking back towards the flames
i realize i am alone

the breeze sighing through the trees
makes my eyeslids heavy
and i allow myself to be embraced by sleep

a happy camper.

i'll lead you into my depths of despair
  if you'd like
let me show you the darkness
   as i see it

i'll offer you my pain to feel
and have my teardrops fall upon your face
so you can experience the burning
sadness that accompanies me always

reach in and grab the strong fingers of despair
   that grip my heart
    and leave me suffocating

so then maybe
    maybe
you'll understand me
a bit more.

a frozen smile
you are never without
your face carved from putty
that has hardened overnight

you smile at hardship
    disease
          molestation
  brutality
    ignorance
  and pain

just as you smile at purity
   love
         innocence
   and joy

you're forever unchanged
   unhurt
       unfazed
& unemotional

for this is how you've chosen
to face the world
   with a ceramic smile
that can't be touched
leading you to believe
you are invincible.

i see the smiles
and the laughter
and i wonder
what happened to the harsh words
the angry looks
of yesterday
what has changed
in the course of 24 hours
to make us all
so lovable?
is it the celebration of a 'holy' day
the gathering of 'friends'
of is it just the continuance
of what we're used to?
it makes me laugh
this phoniness
but i must admit
i do go with the flow
i continue the hugs
the laughter
the nodding of understanding
for this is what's expected
in this crazy
mixed up
tedium
we call 'family'.

where is the kindness
   to people
     to things
especially to the innocent
   and the trusting

what kind of person
can abuse the trust
    of someone
     something
to hurt
and more importantly
    why?

what can they possibly
get out of it
out of hurting something
               someone
that is weaker
     more afraid
or worse
      more trusting

to gain an innocents trust
just to abuse for sadistic satisfaction
    is beyond evil
surpasses anything humane
and basically
sickens me...
...to the point of provoking evil
upon those who are spineless enough
to hurt the defenseless .

the weather's getting nicer
so she'll be back
that silly woman
who walks, shaking her head
and talking to herself
cursing the air
giving *****,
and in her mind intimidating,
looks to passersby
who, in our small town,
have learned to ignore her
and she'll go away

but realistically
she's been gone
a long, long time.

i apologize for the foul language


wow, what a beautiful sunny day
hmm, i have a taste for a piece of chocolate
alright! not much traffic
i want a piece of chocolate
awesome! a parkin' spot right in front
i really need a piece of chocolate
yes! boss isn't in yet
i have to get a piece of chocolate
another plus, not too much on the agenda today
where is that piece of chocolate i had in my desk
computer on, ready to chocolate
******* it! who took my piece of chocolate
where's those *chocolate papers
mother *******, i'll **** whoever took
my last ******* chocolate!
why is that phone chocolate?
if i go to that ******* machine and
there's no effin' chocolate somebody's *** is chocolate!
would somebody please answer that dang chocolate!

chocolate

i have no change for chocolate
who's got change for a chocolate?
somebody gimme 4 chocolates for a chocolate
so i could please get chocolate!?

chocolate

i'm going to chocolate so i could get a... chocolate

c h o c o l a t e

the words drop kicked my brain
and startled it
into writing again.

i look up & see his mouth moving
but what's coming out is gibberish
i squint trying to read his lips
but it's still all nonsense
i shake my head a little
to try and clear the cobwebs
and open my eyes wide staring at him
giving him my full attention
but i still don't understand a word he's saying
who is this person
and why am i trying to give him
my full attention
when he is obviously the most boring
  unattractive
     monotonous
          human being
i've encountered in a very long time.

i get up & walk away
leaving him with his mouth open
looking at me in total surprise.


i really didn't need this job anyways.

i don't notice people much
                           anymore
they've become a blur
in the landscape i pass
while driving
   or walking
      or taking a train
collaged into one
      dreary mass
of blended colors
without definite shapes
bobbing with the bumps in the road
swaying this way
         then that
subtracting a black mass
   which is replaced
    with a greenish shape
that curls delicately
   around a brown one
again
& again

arriving at my destination
feeling i've traveled to it
   quite alone.

where are the days of
grandmas & grandpas
aunts, uncles, cousins
& unadulterated, honest,
deep in your belly
   laughter?

no need to impress
   no arrogance
or show-offs, showboats
or gloating

now...
it's plastic smiles
and sidelong looks of disapproval
bad kids
ignorant spouses
and mean old women
      who judge

getting drunk to face the familiar
& dreading the sobriety
& disgusted looks
   of the golden agers

yup, gone are the days of
grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles
& cousins

enter the days spent with habitual strangers.

i chose solitude
over soul depreciating
neanderthals

waves of nausea rip through me
when realizing the inevitable
fighting back the tears
that aren't of sadness
   but of desperation
and buckling under the weakness
of giving up
   deflated
i try clearing my head
to consider what went wrong
then slowly turn back to start over

i'll climb this mountain if it kills me.

i don't trust myself as your friend right now
i've grown too egocentric
     for that
my heart has become indifferent
the compassion i once felt
is nearly gone
i feel nothing when you weep
   i say nothing when you beg for help
it doesn't thrill me when you do good
   it doesn't hurt me when you are down
our past has ****** me dry
and it's become too tiresome
    for me
        continuing with you.

you will find me
if you look real hard
i may be the one just around the corner
or the shadow you see
in the plate glass window
maybe it's me
behind the recently closed door
or the one that just said goodbye
to the lady selling flowers
but don't doubt it
i am here
look hard enough
and you will find me.

everyone offers their idea of happiness
desirous to believe
                   that it is real
hoping beyond hope that they have found it
       knowing, but questioning
that they are different from the others
    playing a game
        assuming a character
while making others think
    that they are the anomaly
            of what truly is

there is no true happiness
                     no real satisfaction

     and accepting that?

the sooner the better

make due with what you have
consummate what is offered to you
live the life that you are comfortable with
without fears
without lies
without obstruction
and you too
can redefine
the definition of happy.

you're happy
he's happy
they're happy
so much happiness
to be consumed
but what bothers me

         is

is it truthful?

there seems to be a lover missing
in this exotic playroom i incorporate
all the players seemed paired off
      but me
i search the inventory
but can't seem to find a match
there's big ones
          small ones
    short ones
        tall ones
    smart ones
              dumb ones
sarcastic ones
       and lame ones

but where is mine?

of all there is to offer
not one suits me
so i guess i will continue
alone in this plight
for there's not a hopeful potential
in this land
of lovers delight.

urging myself to see something
   that isn't there
parading myself by uninterested observers
   hoping for acknowledgment
keeping the faith
   when faith was lost so long ago
giving a smile
   when my insides are ripped to shreds
laughing at unfunny jokes
   hugging the grotesque
spending time with the offensive
         sharing a lunch with the mind-numbing,
uninteresting, humdrum, stupid

the circle of a lifetime
     coming to a stop
at an unknown destination.

if i push, you pull
if i give, you take
if i talk, you listen
but if i love...

will you love?

sitting in my car
waiting for a train
listening to the hummmm
of the engine
and it lulls me to sleep
only to be wakened
by the blare of a horn
behind me

the nerve of some people!!!

i'll catapult my heart
into the universe
hoping the right one
will catch it.

knowing
just knowing
it's you i'm looking for
i feel my search is in vain
for you
are nowhere to be found
time's running out
my search cannot turn to desperation
for in desperation
nothing good comes.

i give you a sidelong glance
and wonder why
is it your looks
      your body
definitely not your personality
you're mundane
     predictable
       boring even
speaking with you
     i sometimes drift off
often times shake my head
                  baffled
so why are we friends
what do i get out of this exactly
            comradery
    companionship
      someone i can depend on
i don't feel it
maybe i am jealous
     insecure around you
because of your mundane views
      your predictability
     even your boring opinions
maybe it's not you
it's me
i'm the one that tries too hard
i'm the one that always has to be on
and you
you go with the flow
funny thing is
       it seems to be working
for you.

you seek public appraisal
but can't accept criticism
you offer animated conversation
and lame jokes
but won't consent to looks of confusion
or disinterest
you live a lie
but believe it to be truth

years go by
with nothing changing

your conversations have become less animated
the jokes less frequent
but your belief...
...that has stayed the same
except now
you only have yourself to convince.

battered, bruised
   broken
distraught, anguished
  disillusioned
grabbing onto something
that just isn't there
don't you know that?
can't you stop yourself?
    give up
please
save whatever pride you have left
and move on
          to greener pastures
    brighter days
            well lit bar rooms
anything but what you're doing
quit imploring to be noticed
crying...
           ...that's for babies
    ball up
           man up
and go get yourself a real woman
for christ's sake!

looking around this square room
silently observing
end to end
corner to corner
measuring the width
the depth
with my eyes
of what i call
'my peaceful place'
it looks like me
   smells like me
but there is still something missing
i can't put my finger on it
but i can feel it
in how the room echos slightly
when i cough or sneeze
it brings a coldness to it
it doesn't feel exactly right
what can i bring to this place of solitude
that will warm it
give it that womb-like feeling
i want to feel hugged when i enter
wrapped in the cozy warmth of comfortableness

i've got some thinking to do...

the more i grab for
the more you pull away
the more help i offer
the more disgusted you look
you are breaking my heart
and at the same time
    getting off
           evil
    twisted
or just plain mean
whatever it is you've got
don't give it to me
this is the perfect time
for a thorough hand washing
****
i'm gonna shuck you to the ground
give you a final spit
and walk away

do what you want
without me.

laughing and singing
     dancing
swaying to the music in my head
living in my world
the most comfortable world
       just me
dancing naked
amongst wildflowers that bow
to my every move
applauding me and urging me on
smiling up at me with yellowed faces
       purple
  blue
            pink
    and green
so so much green
the preferred currency color
of this world
             and that
being thrown at me
for my performance
the wind whistling
        in appreciation
and i fall exhausted
upon a bed of blossoms
bumble bees
             buzzing around my face
covering it with pollinized kisses
smiling i fall into a deep, deep sleep
dreaming of fantastical adventures
              and handsome paramours

this is my world
                        welcome to it.

do i have the power to end you
will the force of my words
make you go away
my look, will it stop you
in your tracks
and make you cower
like a whipped dog in the corner
do i possess that much control?
i wish i knew
for if i did
i might just be tempted
   to use it
           on you
to make you disappear
forever.

living, loving, giving taking
going there, doing that
falling in love
   falling in hate
mesmerized by fantasies
   caught up in dreams
        wishing
  wanting
imploring for
receiving everything but
   pushing on
moving forward
stopping
taking a breath
starting over

day two...

watching the petals of a flower
gently following the wind
reaching the highest of highs
somersaulting towards fields of color
before floating softly
towards earth
to create beauty
naturally.

looking at her tear soaked eyes
i see real pain
   not a show of
     but a feeling of
so deep, deep within
her chest cradles a broken heart
destroyed beyond repair
this girl has lost it
she has been punched with
           the final cut
that has brought her down
  down
     down
torturing the emptiness of her soul
yielding an inflamed wound
leaving her to suffer

alone

having been kicked one too many times
she's shackled with everlasting
   despair.

mean
   cold blooded
  ignorant
rude
uncaring
    selfish

i've been called worse.

you
skipping towards me
with arms opened wide
   smiling

then tripping over a rock
and smashing your face into the earth

and i laugh
       and laugh
            and...

if i blow hard enough
can i rid myself
of whatever affliction
clouds my judgement
and shadows my insight?

if i thump my chest hard enough
will i jump start my heart
to feeling once again
the love i know is there
   somewhere?

if i write long enough
will i finally convince myself
of my talent
   and creativity
and become accepting
of that truth?

and if i think hard enough
will i find within me
thoughts of certainty
   and bliss
unscathed by my relentless feelings
of uneasiness and worry?

the calming of these universal questions
are what i seek.

i don't like being angry
   or resentful
or at the mercy of the red rage
that builds inside of me

    but

when i feel you're hurting him...
   picturing your face
sits better with me
when i see hatchet buried
deep within it

   but

i won't let my revulsion
pull me down into the bowels
of your elementary like intelligence

nope

besides, if i do
i risk losing him

and no one is worth that.